Permission to Step Away?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Albuquerque NM
Posts: 6
Permission to Step Away?
I have just joined this forum. Both of my adult children have drug problems. I thought that I would help them one at a time ... so I concentrated on my younger daughter and she is in rehab now. My son next .... ???
My problem is the contradiction between stepping away and feeling responsible. The feeling of powerlessness is from society laying the blame of failure or success of children on their parents.
My colleagues kids have Oxford fellowships, 3.8 GPA's in college and are having seemingly great lives. My kids had the same opportunities and are just as capable but chose another path. I have little to add to conversations about family at this time. "My kids? Oh their finding their way."
Also my reading says that I am that you must be supportive and participate in the recovery. I'm not getting a lot of support from the facility where my daughter is at in terms of my participation. I feel like I am in the way most of the time and my kids still manage to blame me for their situation.
I am a single mom - their father died of cirrhosis when the kids were 11 and 13. They are now 22 and 19. I work 2 jobs, take care of an elderly parent with dementia every other weekend, am trying to write a dissertation that I have spent 6 years in school part time for and vacillate between being really tired, trying, and giving up.
I could really use some feedback from folks that are here or there now.
Thank you.
My problem is the contradiction between stepping away and feeling responsible. The feeling of powerlessness is from society laying the blame of failure or success of children on their parents.
My colleagues kids have Oxford fellowships, 3.8 GPA's in college and are having seemingly great lives. My kids had the same opportunities and are just as capable but chose another path. I have little to add to conversations about family at this time. "My kids? Oh their finding their way."
Also my reading says that I am that you must be supportive and participate in the recovery. I'm not getting a lot of support from the facility where my daughter is at in terms of my participation. I feel like I am in the way most of the time and my kids still manage to blame me for their situation.
I am a single mom - their father died of cirrhosis when the kids were 11 and 13. They are now 22 and 19. I work 2 jobs, take care of an elderly parent with dementia every other weekend, am trying to write a dissertation that I have spent 6 years in school part time for and vacillate between being really tired, trying, and giving up.
I could really use some feedback from folks that are here or there now.
Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Alive
Posts: 168
First welcome! Wow! What a full plate you have. My thoughts & prayers are with you...my problem is myself, but, I am sure some of the "experienced" folks will be along shortly with some very useful feedback!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
Welcome, I have and addict daughter, age 23. She has been in rehab more times than I can count, 1/2 way house, sober living, etc. She is currently "out there" drinking and drugging and God know what else. There are many wonderful people here who have been where we are. The facilities my AD was in all wanted family participation, but one thing I have learned is I can't do it for her! I did my rehab work, followed every guideline, etc. She didn't, she enjoys the "life" more. You are welcome here, say what you want...read some of the other post for a little history. We are all on the path out of hell together. I have good days and bad days, but none as bad as last year before I found SR and face to face meetings. We aren't alone!!
welcome,
susan
welcome,
susan
Trying to get out of God's way
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Freeland Michigan
Posts: 60
Jen - I know exactly what you mean when you look at other people's children...why can't my son be more like that? I see young men in the mall, places where people go, and see them laughing, having a great time with their girl or a group of guys, and it breaks my heart. My son is 20, and has been in and out of jail, rehab, boot camp, Teen Challenge...he's now in limbo, out of teen Challenge, and basically waiting to be picked up on probation violations, at which point he knows he will be doing prison time. I'm not so sure he is using right now, he said he's not and did learn a few things at Teen Challenge, he was there over 3 months. BUT, either way, he's violating probation so I'm trying not to have much to do with him at this point, because if the authorities do come looking for him, I can honestly say I don't know where he is. They will find him eventually.
All I can say is please read the posts in this forum, and the ones in the "sticky" titled "let me fall" particularly helped me see things in a new light, please check them out, some great stuff there -
*sending prayers your way to help you with the situation, remember you're not alone as long as you're here!!!*
All I can say is please read the posts in this forum, and the ones in the "sticky" titled "let me fall" particularly helped me see things in a new light, please check them out, some great stuff there -
*sending prayers your way to help you with the situation, remember you're not alone as long as you're here!!!*
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Welcome jenningsbarj- greetings from another mom here.
You have a lot going on, and a lot of stressors.
Read my recent post titled "detachment"
It is so very difficult to not allow our grown addicted kids derail us.
We are the ones powerless over their choices + disease. But we are the ones with the power to figure out how to deal with it for our own peace.
All the moms here struggle with this. Many have learned healthy ways to live in spite of this horrible family disease of addiction.
Please stick around and join us for support and to add your own esperiences, strengths and hopefullness.
You have a lot going on, and a lot of stressors.
Read my recent post titled "detachment"
It is so very difficult to not allow our grown addicted kids derail us.
We are the ones powerless over their choices + disease. But we are the ones with the power to figure out how to deal with it for our own peace.
All the moms here struggle with this. Many have learned healthy ways to live in spite of this horrible family disease of addiction.
Please stick around and join us for support and to add your own esperiences, strengths and hopefullness.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
jenningsbarj,
Well, welcome to you! I'm glad you found us.
The first thing that comes to my mind is meetings. See if you can find Naranon meetings, or Alanon meetings in your area, and start attending. They help SO much!
I am the mom of two AS's, one is 30, the other 34, and it's been a very long road.
And keep posting, we're all here for you...
Others should be along shortly.
Hugs
Well, welcome to you! I'm glad you found us.
The first thing that comes to my mind is meetings. See if you can find Naranon meetings, or Alanon meetings in your area, and start attending. They help SO much!
I am the mom of two AS's, one is 30, the other 34, and it's been a very long road.
And keep posting, we're all here for you...
Others should be along shortly.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Welcome, another mom here, addict daughter 21. When my daughter went to rehab her dad and I participated in the parent program. She relapsed shortly after coming out and I, of course, relapsed with her. If she ever decides to try rehab and recovery again, I am going to stay as far away as I can. I will let her know I love her and wish her the best, but it is her life, her decisions and I no longer want to put all my eggs in her basket. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 108
Originally Posted by jenningsbarj 
Also my reading says that I am that you must be supportive and participate in the recovery. I'm not getting a lot of support from the facility where my daughter is at in terms of my participation. I feel like I am in the way most of the time and my kids still manage to blame me for their situation.
I think the issue is that when you deal with a dozen addicts per day, you have to take a hardened attitude with them and you end up doing it with everyone.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 50
Hi jenningsbarj! Sorry to hear all that you are going through. You are not alone in this. I am also new here to SR. I feel very fortunate to have stumbled upon it. Keep reading, it really helps. My prayers are with you and your children.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Albuquerque NM
Posts: 6
Thanks ...
... for the kind words and the support.
Since this is my 19 year old daughter's first time in recovery. I am really hopefull that she will be successful. How does one afford this time and time again, financlally and emptionally?
She has been in three weeks of inpatient for detox and 3 weeks of residential. The location moved her to transitional living this week and she wants to get a job. I think that she is better off in a distant environment. She is 1500 miles from home and wants to come home to get her car. But she wants to drive back alone. I insisted on my going with her. Her arguement - "It is my program - I need you to be supportive."
I thought that I had found a reputable place but I have concerns. 1) They didn't monitor her phone calls and she ket in touch with her user boyfriend ('He's stopped using!") and they left her with her ATM, and a prescription medical card. I just got her statement and she spent $1000 the first month?
I have sent email, made phone calls, and sent FAXs - not all in the same day of course. The folks aren't being very responsive. Does this sound right or am I being too controlling as my daughter suggests?
Barbara
Since this is my 19 year old daughter's first time in recovery. I am really hopefull that she will be successful. How does one afford this time and time again, financlally and emptionally?
She has been in three weeks of inpatient for detox and 3 weeks of residential. The location moved her to transitional living this week and she wants to get a job. I think that she is better off in a distant environment. She is 1500 miles from home and wants to come home to get her car. But she wants to drive back alone. I insisted on my going with her. Her arguement - "It is my program - I need you to be supportive."
I thought that I had found a reputable place but I have concerns. 1) They didn't monitor her phone calls and she ket in touch with her user boyfriend ('He's stopped using!") and they left her with her ATM, and a prescription medical card. I just got her statement and she spent $1000 the first month?
I have sent email, made phone calls, and sent FAXs - not all in the same day of course. The folks aren't being very responsive. Does this sound right or am I being too controlling as my daughter suggests?
Barbara
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I thought that I had found a reputable place but I have concerns. 1) They didn't monitor her phone calls and she ket in touch with her user boyfriend ('He's stopped using!") and they left her with her ATM, and a prescription medical card. I just got her statement and she spent $1000 the first month?
I have sent email, made phone calls, and sent FAXs - not all in the same day of course. The folks aren't being very responsive. Does this sound right or am I being too controlling as my daughter suggests?
I have sent email, made phone calls, and sent FAXs - not all in the same day of course. The folks aren't being very responsive. Does this sound right or am I being too controlling as my daughter suggests?
If your daughter paid completely for her car, pays her own expenses, pays her own gas and insurance, well then I think you can voice your concerns but her choices are her choices. But if it is "her" car because you got it for her and you are in some way supporting her, I think you have a right to say no. Saying no and sticking to it without argument is something that many of us moms seem to have to work on. I found it so hard...I'm not sure what i thought was going to happen, but once I praticed saying no when I meant no and meaning it (and not saying it in anger or mean, or saying no then letting a yes happen anyway) I found that it was liberating. To me, this is not "controlling" it is doing what I believe is right and being true to myself. If I say no because it is my decision and not because I am trying to manuipulate or control my child's use, I am comfortable with my choice. I find checking my motivations helps me when I am making decisions.
As far as the lack of response to your concerns, I do agree that this certainly isn't the best situation. I can understand the phone calls a bit...I think there has to be some areas where the recovering addict has to take responsibility for her own conduct, and phone calls can be the first step, but I really don't get the ATM part. Why would an addict in in patient need an ATM and what could she possibly require that costs $1,000? Did she earn this money or is this money you have deposited in her account? (I have a hard time picturing an addict being able to hang onto so much money that she earned, thus the question) If this is not her money, I would strongly suggest stopping access to these funds so you are not suffering the consequences of her lack of responsibility. Yes the facility should probably have taken it from her, but they didn't, or she slipped it in (happens all the time...I know in my daughter's rehab sneaking in cell phones was the rage) so to me, if the money is yours, you have the right to stop the flow.
Hugs...The more you can focus on you...read, go to meetings, the better!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Albuquerque NM
Posts: 6
Small steps
Between a short conference call with my daughter and her counselor and a grea session with my own counselor I had a wonder outcome that other mom's may be able to relate to.
My daughter is 6 weeks in recovery - about week 4 she started changing. She was demanding again and trying to lay guilt trips on me for not letting her come home. She also had some very recollection or perspective of some of our conversations and she was accusatory and argumentative. At the same time wanting a "furlough" to come home and get her car and drive a 17 hour trip alone. I let her counselor know that she had not been following the rules and then I spoke with my counselor. This is amazing - we talked about the heart wrenching pain of being a parent and watching your child dive lower and lower.... " That feeling - the one ou have now ... it is a cue to you that you are not dealing with your daughter ...you are dealing with the addiction within her. Something is up. the center doesn't have all of the data to understand that yet. But you as a parent have some data that will help "traingulate" your daughter's progress or slippage. She may have aleady relapsed or she is struggling not to. Her out of control behavior indicates that."
I love that she supported my intuition and instead of making me feel like I need to back out of the situatin with the center not knowing all of the facts - I can offer them as another set of data that they would not have access to otherwise.
Thank you God for the lessons today and the support that I hve recently been introduced to. You all are wonderful.
Thanks,
--Barbara
My daughter is 6 weeks in recovery - about week 4 she started changing. She was demanding again and trying to lay guilt trips on me for not letting her come home. She also had some very recollection or perspective of some of our conversations and she was accusatory and argumentative. At the same time wanting a "furlough" to come home and get her car and drive a 17 hour trip alone. I let her counselor know that she had not been following the rules and then I spoke with my counselor. This is amazing - we talked about the heart wrenching pain of being a parent and watching your child dive lower and lower.... " That feeling - the one ou have now ... it is a cue to you that you are not dealing with your daughter ...you are dealing with the addiction within her. Something is up. the center doesn't have all of the data to understand that yet. But you as a parent have some data that will help "traingulate" your daughter's progress or slippage. She may have aleady relapsed or she is struggling not to. Her out of control behavior indicates that."
I love that she supported my intuition and instead of making me feel like I need to back out of the situatin with the center not knowing all of the facts - I can offer them as another set of data that they would not have access to otherwise.
Thank you God for the lessons today and the support that I hve recently been introduced to. You all are wonderful.
Thanks,
--Barbara
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
jenn,
I am the mom of a 26 yr. old daughter who is presently recovering. She began using drugs at the age of 19. Her father died of cirrhosis when she was 19. She has been to rehab twice and relapsed both times after she was out for a while. She ended up in jail 3 times and the last time she came out she decided to turn things around. She has had a few slips but they were short and she came and told me and got back on the recovery horse. She is presently under doctors care for bipolar disorder and she is doing pretty well. She struggles, but I know it will take a long time for her to be really well again.
I wanted to give you hope that people do recover everyday and I have never given up that hope. It has been very hard for me, but I always tried to maintain some contact with my daughter even in the worst of times. There were times that she was homeless.
She has lived a very hard and dangerous lifestyle. I thank God for keeping her safe and bringing her back to me.
I also have an 89 yr. old mom with dementia. Sometimes you just wonder how much more you can take. Somehow you just get through it.
My heart goes out to you that you are doing this alone and you have 2 addicted kids.
My story has much more to it but I don't want to ramble. Please know that there is a lot of support here and it is amazing that a lot of us have similiar situations. We are here for you. You can PM me anytime if you'd like.
God Bless...............Lo
I am the mom of a 26 yr. old daughter who is presently recovering. She began using drugs at the age of 19. Her father died of cirrhosis when she was 19. She has been to rehab twice and relapsed both times after she was out for a while. She ended up in jail 3 times and the last time she came out she decided to turn things around. She has had a few slips but they were short and she came and told me and got back on the recovery horse. She is presently under doctors care for bipolar disorder and she is doing pretty well. She struggles, but I know it will take a long time for her to be really well again.
I wanted to give you hope that people do recover everyday and I have never given up that hope. It has been very hard for me, but I always tried to maintain some contact with my daughter even in the worst of times. There were times that she was homeless.
She has lived a very hard and dangerous lifestyle. I thank God for keeping her safe and bringing her back to me.
I also have an 89 yr. old mom with dementia. Sometimes you just wonder how much more you can take. Somehow you just get through it.
My heart goes out to you that you are doing this alone and you have 2 addicted kids.
My story has much more to it but I don't want to ramble. Please know that there is a lot of support here and it is amazing that a lot of us have similiar situations. We are here for you. You can PM me anytime if you'd like.
God Bless...............Lo
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Hardy Ky
Posts: 170
Welcome Sweetie,
God Bless your Soul...I have a son who is an addict and he is in rehab right now too.
I know how you feel about blaming yourself and God knows they will put the blame on anyone but their ownselves...I was blessed in that area...I would ask my son if I did something wrong as a parent, his reply would always be No Mom, it was me...I am just messed up. That alone broke my heart. Like he didn't feel like normal people did.
Keep in mind my son is very handsome(not just because he is mine) but he is LOL and popular in school, and at the top of his class. Drugs effects anyone..
FIRST OF ALL DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF...IF YOU DON'T WATCH THAT WILL MAKE YOU AN ENABLER. You will feel like you owe you daughter and feed into her addictive behavior without realizing what you are doing. Believe me, I have already been there.
Support and Love them, but do not enable their addiction.
I have found that praying is getting me through this...Pray is powerful!!:praying
God Bless you Sweetie,
I will pray for your daughters and you,
Hugs:ghug3
Machele
God Bless your Soul...I have a son who is an addict and he is in rehab right now too.
I know how you feel about blaming yourself and God knows they will put the blame on anyone but their ownselves...I was blessed in that area...I would ask my son if I did something wrong as a parent, his reply would always be No Mom, it was me...I am just messed up. That alone broke my heart. Like he didn't feel like normal people did.
Keep in mind my son is very handsome(not just because he is mine) but he is LOL and popular in school, and at the top of his class. Drugs effects anyone..
FIRST OF ALL DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF...IF YOU DON'T WATCH THAT WILL MAKE YOU AN ENABLER. You will feel like you owe you daughter and feed into her addictive behavior without realizing what you are doing. Believe me, I have already been there.
Support and Love them, but do not enable their addiction.
I have found that praying is getting me through this...Pray is powerful!!:praying
God Bless you Sweetie,
I will pray for your daughters and you,
Hugs:ghug3
Machele
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: nebraska
Posts: 20
Wow I too know what your dealing with I have a 19yr old AS and I'm new to this site too! But am learning in the short time I've been here ther is so much support here its awesome and I too want to blame myself for all of it but I know I didn't make the choice and I can't control his choices either ! See I have learned that much and am working on much more for ME! Thanks to all of you and just hang in there and keep reading!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Barbara, I just wanted to welcome you and send hugs because I know the pain of watching our children destroy their lives.
It sounds to me like you are doing a great job and making some good choices including getting counseling for yourself. The thing is, nothing we do or don't do will make them stay clean, they have to work that out themselves and sometimes they do that quickly, sometimes it takes several tries in and out of the revolving door or recovery/relapse, and some don't make it at all...and we never know where our kids will fall in this pattern.
Taking good care of ourselves is so important, addiction is truly a family disease and takes a toll on each of us. And sometimes in our attempts to "save" them, we end up walking into hell with them instead of drawing them out to a better place. I know that because I lived in a very dark place of fear for many years before I surrendered in exhaustion and found my own program, that ended up saving my life...literally.
If you haven't tried any live meetings, maybe go to 3 or 4 and see if it doesn't help you as much as it's helped so many of us. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain and I promise you that you will be glad you did.
Sending hugs and prayers for you and your daughter, it's not an easy road for either one of you but just know that we're walking with you.
Hugs
It sounds to me like you are doing a great job and making some good choices including getting counseling for yourself. The thing is, nothing we do or don't do will make them stay clean, they have to work that out themselves and sometimes they do that quickly, sometimes it takes several tries in and out of the revolving door or recovery/relapse, and some don't make it at all...and we never know where our kids will fall in this pattern.
Taking good care of ourselves is so important, addiction is truly a family disease and takes a toll on each of us. And sometimes in our attempts to "save" them, we end up walking into hell with them instead of drawing them out to a better place. I know that because I lived in a very dark place of fear for many years before I surrendered in exhaustion and found my own program, that ended up saving my life...literally.
If you haven't tried any live meetings, maybe go to 3 or 4 and see if it doesn't help you as much as it's helped so many of us. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain and I promise you that you will be glad you did.
Sending hugs and prayers for you and your daughter, it's not an easy road for either one of you but just know that we're walking with you.
Hugs
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