NYC_Chick

I recently ended my relationship with my abf. He sent me a lengthy letter about his feelings right before the end, in which he chose alcohol over me. Part of the letter described how his depression had grown over the years, causing him to eventually become a pint of whiskey a night solo drinker. For the past two years, he's been working with a therapist on his issues with depression. Of course, he lied to the therapist about the drinking until a few months ago. He also came clean with me about his "problem" with alcohol at the same time, 3 years into the relationship. I think he was able to admit to some problem with alcohol because of this his therapy and that is growth, I suppose, but what difference does it make if he won't work on the real problem now?

I have been pondering whether he really was just depressed and that is why he drank and if so, if he takes care of the depression, does that take care of the alcoholism? There seems to be two problems now, alcoholism and depression. Or, was he an alcoholic and that is why his depression got worse? He claims now that because he is not depressed any longer he has no need to drink, no urge to drink, and can take it or leave it. Of course, he has put strict rules into place to ensure he keeps it in check that involve only social drinking (I know, it's denial at its finest to me too). I woke up in a funk and now wonder if his depression is in check if this could be true. A therapist told me that there is a difference between alcohol abuse and alcohol dependancy. I can't seem to draw a bright line as to what the difference is. Everything on this board says to me he's an alcoholic. I guess the weak part of me still wonders.

Thoughts anyone?

Mair

Hi NYC my xab was also depressed and was on prescribled drugs, this i think was one of the reasons i stayed with him so long, i blamed depression not alcohol (My denial). But when i really sat down and thought about it all i could see was problems caused always by drinking that in turn made him depressed.

*Had no employment - would after first paypacket go drinking would miss work and eventually loose job, hence at home depressed without work.
*Criminal convictions and court appearances followed by fines - all alcohol related
*Owing money - would borrow money from anyone - to buy alcohol
*His son - a clone of himself - Guilt
*More guilt for all of the above any probably many more nasty deeds that i knew nothing of.

If i had even one of the above on my conscience i too would be depressed. His quality of life is well below par, because he chooses to live this way.

I know a few people who suffer from depression, and there is a differnece, nothing makes them snap out of their state they have nothing that makes them feel better. Alcoholics have alcohol to ease their pain.

My xab would have a great week and when sober would be happy as larry but once he went drinking everything was wrong in his life. The alcohol itself is a depressive drug.

At the moment im just trying not to wonder anymore about my xab and the things he did and stuff because it just tooooo complicated.

Take care

Mair

DesertEyes

There's a slogan in al-anon that goes like this: "Play it thru to the end".

That means you go ahead and figure out in your mind what hapens next, and what happens after that. So let's play it thru with depression.

1- Suppose depression comes first. What happens next?

He continues to drink more and more until he either dies or gets recovery.

2- Suppose drinking comes first. What happens next?

He continues to drink more and more until he either dies or gets recovery.

So in the end it doesn't matter if the chicken or the egg come first. The result is the same.

ok, so "Play it thru". Suppose you _do_ find a bright line as to what the difference is. What happens next in _your_ life?

- do you go back to him?

- are you going to meetings of al-anon? CODA?

- are you working on _you_ so that _you_ beome a better person that doesn't get involved with un-healthy people in the first place?

- are you spending time healing _your_ pain caused by this relationship?

ok, so, what is it that this board is telling you about _you_? What are you learning about _you_ that will benefit you from now on?

The reason all of the above is focused on _you_ is because of something I learned about _me_. It's another little al-anon slogan that helped me understand why my whole life was always about my "A".

"Whatever I fill my mind with, fills my heart. Whatever I fill my heart with, fills my life"

What _I_ was doing was filling my head with constant thoughts about _her_. All day long. All night long. I was just as obsessed with _her_ as she was with her own addiction. I had a "drug of choice" too, and my drug was _her_. My thoughts were confused, hurt, frightened. My heart filled with all that negativity, and my life became dark with despair.

I don't do that anymore. I fill my mind with the _healthy_ people I have in my life today. I am involved in my meetings and stay in touch with folks who are having troubles in their own life, yesterday I visited one of those guys and had a great time just sitting around chit-chatting. Later today I'll do a little yoga as per doctors orders (even though I _hate_ yoga, I do it cuz it's good for me )
Tonite I'll go to one of my fav meetings and be surrounded by people who care about being healthy.

What are _you_ doing for _your_ recovery today?

Mike

kraze3

That is actually a good question. I was actually wondering that myself today. My husband quick drinking once for about 2 months and was still not happy and worst part is he tells me that he feels like he is 2 people. So I myself wonder if the depression and alcoholicism derive from the same stem.

My husband tells me he drinks to make the sadness away so in my situtation they are very similar and apart of the same problem.

denny57

It doesn't matter.

karmakoma

If you knew the answer, how would it change the situation?

Barbara52

Taking a depressant for depression sure doesn't make a whole lotta sense regardless of which came first.

SerenitySeaker

"Whatever I fill my mind with, fills my heart. Whatever I fill my heart with, fills my life"

This is one of the greatest things I have ever heard, I'm going to write it into the front cover of my ODAT.

Growing

Me too SerenitySeaker....Thanks Mike!

"Whatever I fill my mind with, fills my heart. Whatever I fill my heart with, fills my life"

hope2bhappy

I agree with this.

Barbara52

Yes, there is a difference between alcohol abuse and alcohol dependancy. But they can also be part of the progression of alcoholism. And whatever words are used to describe whats going on, if alcohol is part of a problem, its a problem.

chess

This is a thought I stumble upon a lot. A friend of mine keeps reminding me that there are no such thing as healty people. We are all damaged in some way or other....

So is it just more about hanging around with people that don't get me obbsessed or drained?

This leads to me bouncing that old thought "Is it all just me?" and that doesn't seem to get me anywhere either.

So Mike the wise man Am I just sabotaging myself or what's going on?

How does one stay on that road to recovery and focused on rights things when even the tiniest bump can get me sidetracked and questioning everything in my mind?

Later,

Chess

Pick-a-name

Alcohol is a depressant,so if it is used to "self-medicate",it only makes matters worse.

Depression and alcoholism can co-exist in people,but like others have said,it isn't ultimately going to help.

I think there is a chapter about this question in both "Under the Influence" and one of the "Getting Them Sober" books (see Getting Them Sober- Recovery Communications)

fwiw; I have been treated for depression and know that getting drunk isn't going to do anything but make me feel much worse. It is counter-indicated and interfers with the medication used to treat depression. My exAH's doctor refused to prescribe an antidepressant for him at a certain point,because of the drinking with the medication. I learned that ex just found a different doctor (but who is surprised?) . That also says to me that is not about true depression relief;just an excuse,if only self-denial, and "reason" to continue to drink (otherwise he would have stopped drinking and taken an effective treatment AND kept his family in the process).

I'd be depressed living the alcoholic lifestyle,too. Heck, living WITH it was depressing enough for me!

denny57

I would consider someone in my life who said that might not be coming from a healthy place. I don't believe I am damaged, I believe I'm living life.