Detachment
get it, give it, grow in it
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Detachment
WHAT I HAVE LEARNED FROM THREE FAILED INTERVENTIONS
As my son is responsible to get clean, so am I responsible to be healthy, both spiritually and emotionally. I am trying to change my fear to faith. As hard as it is to detach, I have discovered that I do not let my HP control the situation until I detach. As the parent of an addict/alcoholic, I recognize that I can not make him quit using and seek treatment. I raised my child correctly. It was him that chose to use. I recognize that although I was not always the perfect parent, my mistakes are not responsible for my child’s addiction.
At first, detachment seems like giving up, but the only thing I give up, is the illusion of control. No doubt, detachment is not easy. I will practice it every day. Relapses will occur in my journey toward detachment.
What if my child does not get clean? What if my child ruins his life? What if my child dies? Detachment does not mean that I do not care about him. Detachment does not mean that I do not have compassion. Detachment does not mean I stop loving him. Detachment does not mean I do not take some steps to help. I've learned that only his decisions will get him clean. It is possible that his decision to use may take years off his life, it
has prevented him from getting a college degree or getting a good job. But those are choices and decisions he is making. This isn't between the addict and me.
Zach Whaley, a counselor, explains detachment this way:
“When I detach from an addicted loved one it means that I am no longer tied to the addict’s emotions or behavior. It means I have chosen to stop reacting to certain stimuli. Since I am no longer attached to the other person’s behavior, I am no longer under the control of the other person. Of course, my detachment also means that I can no longer think I can control the other person. It also means I can no longer blame him or her for the things that are totally under my control, like my thoughts, feelings and my behavior.”
As my son is responsible to get clean, so am I responsible to be healthy, both spiritually and emotionally. I am trying to change my fear to faith. As hard as it is to detach, I have discovered that I do not let my HP control the situation until I detach. As the parent of an addict/alcoholic, I recognize that I can not make him quit using and seek treatment. I raised my child correctly. It was him that chose to use. I recognize that although I was not always the perfect parent, my mistakes are not responsible for my child’s addiction.
At first, detachment seems like giving up, but the only thing I give up, is the illusion of control. No doubt, detachment is not easy. I will practice it every day. Relapses will occur in my journey toward detachment.
What if my child does not get clean? What if my child ruins his life? What if my child dies? Detachment does not mean that I do not care about him. Detachment does not mean that I do not have compassion. Detachment does not mean I stop loving him. Detachment does not mean I do not take some steps to help. I've learned that only his decisions will get him clean. It is possible that his decision to use may take years off his life, it
has prevented him from getting a college degree or getting a good job. But those are choices and decisions he is making. This isn't between the addict and me.
Zach Whaley, a counselor, explains detachment this way:
“When I detach from an addicted loved one it means that I am no longer tied to the addict’s emotions or behavior. It means I have chosen to stop reacting to certain stimuli. Since I am no longer attached to the other person’s behavior, I am no longer under the control of the other person. Of course, my detachment also means that I can no longer think I can control the other person. It also means I can no longer blame him or her for the things that are totally under my control, like my thoughts, feelings and my behavior.”
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Even when I did not see my daughter, I still wanted to have a text message once in a while knowing that she was okay. That was important to me. After 7 and a half months of not seeing her, I saw her once in October, once in November and once in December. She was also texting or calling almost weekly. Since Christmas she has texted once. I have come to realize that there is nothing that I did that has caused this recent lack of contact. We had a good Christmas visit and things seemed to be better. We did not have an argument, things were not strained between us. I would have liked the visits to continue because I have good boundaries. But they have not and the only reason is addiction. So I have decided to let it go. There is nothing that I can do to change it. I have to detach from the situation and realize that nothing I have done and nothing I can do will change whatever is happening on her side of the fence. Detaching and giving her to God is what I do. In the past I would have continued to try to have contact by texting her or calling, but I know it does no good. She knows that I love her and I do believe that she loves me. For now that will have to do. Hugs, Marle
get it, give it, grow in it
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
"To let go is not to criticize or regulate, but rather letting go of the obsession with another's behavior" Parenting is not a test that I fail, yet most interactions with my son feel like a failure, because I've always tried getting him to see he needed a recovery program.
I will stop telling him what he needs!!!
I will stop telling him what he needs!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lake Tahoe CA
Posts: 1,098
Thanks for both of your posts (as well as yours Marle)...I am struggling with both my oldest son's addiction and trying to put my own life back together (Humpty Dumpty has nothing on me right now). I am at day 5 in my own recovery. After multiple failed attempts for myself, I know I am quite limited in handling what I need to do in my relationship with my son. Right now I need to want my own recovery MORE then anything. It does help to read how parents further along then I am cope with their struggles. Don't understand much of it yet, but the hope just shines through for me.
Thanks again.
Thanks again.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Hang in there mtnmagic, it truly does get better even if it feels like it is taking forever.
How clear that all seems yet how very long it took me to understand it. I didn't detach until we were both going down for the third time and I knew I would drown in his disease if I didn't let go.
Like Marle and many of the moms here, I found "my" peace when I surrendered, when I accepted that nothing I did or didn't do would change the path of any addict. That's when I gave my son to God, by beginning each day with a prayer asking Him to take care of him and then living the rest of my day well, trusting in faith that He would.
My son has been missing for over 3 years and I have had two choices and two choices only. I could live my life in sadness, fear and depression until I didn't want to live another day....or I could grab the lifeline of recovery, connect with a power greater than myself that I choose to call God, and learn to find a better way to live, finding beauty in each new day and happiness that shines in my heart.
I have a special little place in my heart where I park the pain, the loss of my son to addiction, it's a place right next to where I keep the candles of Hope and Faith lit every day.
As long as I draw a breath, I will never give up hope for my son. But I will no longer live my life as a hostage to fear.
Hugs
What if my child does not get clean? What if my child ruins his life? What if my child dies? Detachment does not mean that I do not care about him. Detachment does not mean that I do not have compassion. Detachment does not mean I stop loving him. Detachment does not mean I do not take some steps to help. I've learned that only his decisions will get him clean. It is possible that his decision to use may take years off his life, it has prevented him from getting a college degree or getting a good job. But those are choices and decisions he is making. This isn't between the addict and me.
Like Marle and many of the moms here, I found "my" peace when I surrendered, when I accepted that nothing I did or didn't do would change the path of any addict. That's when I gave my son to God, by beginning each day with a prayer asking Him to take care of him and then living the rest of my day well, trusting in faith that He would.
My son has been missing for over 3 years and I have had two choices and two choices only. I could live my life in sadness, fear and depression until I didn't want to live another day....or I could grab the lifeline of recovery, connect with a power greater than myself that I choose to call God, and learn to find a better way to live, finding beauty in each new day and happiness that shines in my heart.
I have a special little place in my heart where I park the pain, the loss of my son to addiction, it's a place right next to where I keep the candles of Hope and Faith lit every day.
As long as I draw a breath, I will never give up hope for my son. But I will no longer live my life as a hostage to fear.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 388
Mntmagic,
I am proud of you, 5 days sober, Keep up the good work.
Being the parent of an addict(s) is a very hard and a difficult thing to be. The ground is slippery and I find myself falling often, falling not failing. I am learning more each day, thanks so all the people here. The people that share their stories, good and bad. I am not an addict, Thank God, but I can only imagine how difficult this has to be for you. Focus on you at this time. You have no control over your children's addiction or their recovery, but you can control your destiny (you and your HP)
Spiritual Seeker, thanks for your post.
Sometimes I feel like a be-och when it comes to dealing with my addicted kids. But so be it.
I have taken back my life, and I am enjoying it.
Colleen
I am proud of you, 5 days sober, Keep up the good work.
Being the parent of an addict(s) is a very hard and a difficult thing to be. The ground is slippery and I find myself falling often, falling not failing. I am learning more each day, thanks so all the people here. The people that share their stories, good and bad. I am not an addict, Thank God, but I can only imagine how difficult this has to be for you. Focus on you at this time. You have no control over your children's addiction or their recovery, but you can control your destiny (you and your HP)
Spiritual Seeker, thanks for your post.
Sometimes I feel like a be-och when it comes to dealing with my addicted kids. But so be it.
I have taken back my life, and I am enjoying it.
Colleen
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
It often boggles my mind when I look back and realize how hard I worked to make my will my loved one's will. How I thought that if I said it often enough, nagged enough, manipulated enough (of course at the time I could not recognize that I was manipulating) then my children would see that of course doing it my way, stopping the using and thinking like I think was the road to happiness. One thing that helped me in my own journey was realizing how I react to someone else constantly giving me unsolicited advice...I resent it...big time. Who are they to know how I feel, what my thoughts are, where my journey is taking me? Reminding myself of this each time I wanted to interfere, and envisioning my children wrapped in their HP's protective arms like a warm, comfortable quilt, helped me to bite my tongue on more than one occassion and to convey love and support rather than judgement and control.
Thanks so much for this thread, Spiritual Seeker...it is filled with hope..For our loved ones and for us! Mtnmagic...Great going! Keep doing the next right thing and focusing one you; we are here for you!
Thanks so much for this thread, Spiritual Seeker...it is filled with hope..For our loved ones and for us! Mtnmagic...Great going! Keep doing the next right thing and focusing one you; we are here for you!
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
so many beautiful words before me and so much wisdom and grace. It is one thing to surrender RAH and it is another to think about that with my sons. I appreciate all the parents that share your stories - I learn so much from each of you -
Donna
Donna
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
spiritual seeker
sigh, sorry yours is bringing you in to his battle. I am there too.
It is a constant pull for me. just when I think I am detached the pull begins. Recently my son was given the opportunity of a plea bargain that would drop the felony drug charge if he got treatment. He isn't sure if he wants to take it as he claims he is innocent and was just a passenger
( whether he was or not this time doesn't matter, it is his way of life and only a matter of time). He lives out of state and the offer is based on that. Well I offered to have him come here ( Ca.) to attend a treatment program. At that moment this great parent enabling though came to my head, " Maybe if he was back here he would be away from it all up there and he would be more successful. (yeah because we don't have that sort of stuff down her in Ca. even though it's where he started his addiction). Where do these thoughts come from? I don't want him here. I don't want to see the problem up close, I am enjoying the peace of being away from it. We have nice conversations on the phone that don't revolve around his life and choices so I thought my detachment was pretty good! I think if you looked close I was even patting myself on the back! But I still went there. hoping that I could give the one answer that would help him see the light. Sigh. Two steps forward one step back these days.
I know I find more peace when I work my program. I have to believe that if I keep at my work on detachment I will get better at it. I agree that it will still hurt, I will still worry and definitely with love and hope, but I need to constantly remind me to GET OUT OF HIS CRAP and work on mine.
Prayers for you and your son,Cathy
sigh, sorry yours is bringing you in to his battle. I am there too.
It is a constant pull for me. just when I think I am detached the pull begins. Recently my son was given the opportunity of a plea bargain that would drop the felony drug charge if he got treatment. He isn't sure if he wants to take it as he claims he is innocent and was just a passenger
( whether he was or not this time doesn't matter, it is his way of life and only a matter of time). He lives out of state and the offer is based on that. Well I offered to have him come here ( Ca.) to attend a treatment program. At that moment this great parent enabling though came to my head, " Maybe if he was back here he would be away from it all up there and he would be more successful. (yeah because we don't have that sort of stuff down her in Ca. even though it's where he started his addiction). Where do these thoughts come from? I don't want him here. I don't want to see the problem up close, I am enjoying the peace of being away from it. We have nice conversations on the phone that don't revolve around his life and choices so I thought my detachment was pretty good! I think if you looked close I was even patting myself on the back! But I still went there. hoping that I could give the one answer that would help him see the light. Sigh. Two steps forward one step back these days. I know I find more peace when I work my program. I have to believe that if I keep at my work on detachment I will get better at it. I agree that it will still hurt, I will still worry and definitely with love and hope, but I need to constantly remind me to GET OUT OF HIS CRAP and work on mine.
Prayers for you and your son,Cathy
get it, give it, grow in it
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
I miss my son today.
He had been gone for several yrs. During those yrs. we hardly ever saw ea. other and had limited communication. I had learned how to detach.
Then last August he came to live in my home and travel with me for 6 mos. I got attached to him. He was off drugs and drinking minimally. We had many good times until the last mo. when his addiction progressed rapidly.
He moved out because I told him it was treatment or out. He's been gone 9 days with no communication.
With his addiction it is all or nothing. When he is semi-clean he is available and when he is not there is no relationship at all. This is the cylce. I don't know how long this
go-round will last. But I do know datachment takes practice and time. I do know where my focus needs to be now.
It helps to have all of you remind me about detachment.
He had been gone for several yrs. During those yrs. we hardly ever saw ea. other and had limited communication. I had learned how to detach.
Then last August he came to live in my home and travel with me for 6 mos. I got attached to him. He was off drugs and drinking minimally. We had many good times until the last mo. when his addiction progressed rapidly.
He moved out because I told him it was treatment or out. He's been gone 9 days with no communication.
With his addiction it is all or nothing. When he is semi-clean he is available and when he is not there is no relationship at all. This is the cylce. I don't know how long this
go-round will last. But I do know datachment takes practice and time. I do know where my focus needs to be now.
It helps to have all of you remind me about detachment.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: nebraska
Posts: 20
Wow yes thanks to all of you because I read this and it helps me understand why we need detactment even we don't want ot know about ! My AS pulls me in lots of times and I am learning to step back but as most of you say itso hard! Thanks for all your word of wisdom!
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Originally Posted by Ann 
But I will no longer live my life as a hostage to fear.
Hugs Spiritual...
Hangin' In
get it, give it, grow in it
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Please release me from fear, doubt & worry.
I couldn't sleep last night due to obsessing.
I've got work to do.
My co relapse was a big one. I've been through this before in the last 5 yrs.
I will get through this again. One day at a time.
Thanks everyone for the wise counsel and support.
I couldn't sleep last night due to obsessing.
I've got work to do.
My co relapse was a big one. I've been through this before in the last 5 yrs.
I will get through this again. One day at a time.
Thanks everyone for the wise counsel and support.
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
Hi Serenity Seeker,
I have been out of town this past weekend since your first post on detachment. I am sorry that its hitting hard these days and I understand the battle, especially the pain. i often will find myself worrying about where this all will take my son . I try to remember that he is on the path he needs to be right now. That his HP is walking with him and he'll get it when he's supposed to get it and no time sooner, although I've tried to alter that a few times.
Thinking of you and pulling for your recovery,
Cathy
I have been out of town this past weekend since your first post on detachment. I am sorry that its hitting hard these days and I understand the battle, especially the pain. i often will find myself worrying about where this all will take my son . I try to remember that he is on the path he needs to be right now. That his HP is walking with him and he'll get it when he's supposed to get it and no time sooner, although I've tried to alter that a few times.
Thinking of you and pulling for your recovery,
Cathy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Oh SS - my heart goes out to you, I cannot imagine the strength it takes, but you know you have that strength, and the tools required to build that strength back up to a healthy spirit! (((((hugs))))) and prayers to both you and your son! You are a great parent! Remember that always! I have no idea what the HP plans for you or your son, I just know that who you are is what he needs, and you shine like a beacon, wherever he is for whatever it is!
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