divorce dilemma: parenting plan
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
divorce dilemma: parenting plan
I’m facing a dilemma and I know I’m not seeing things clearly and I need some help sorting this out.
First, some quick background. I’ve been married to AH 18 years and involved over 20 years. He has always had a problem with drugs and alcohol but I didn’t realize the extent or that he was an A until 7 years ago. I allowed myself to be convinced that I had unreasonable expectations and was a nag. The lying, manipulations and arrogance reached a all time high 7 years ago when my kids were 3 and 5. He had a DUI crash and miraculously survived life threatening injuries and walked away after a 6 month recovery with an amputated arm. I was the perfect codie and should have won the Florence Nightingale award for devoted and caring wife. Later I found out the entire incident was surrounded by lies and he claimed he quit drinking but I suspect he was secretly drinking because of the smell. Fast forward to last year I was hurt and required surgery and a lengthy recovery. I didn’t get much care from him (the arrogance, lying and manipulations were back big time) and instead he surprised me by having an affair, investing a large sum of money without my knowledge and lying his ass off about it all, while blaming me. That was my bottom and I filed for divorce 10 months later.
My dilemma involves the fact that I have been a stay at home mom and I have homeschooled my kids for the last 4 years. I Homeschool because one of them has specialized needs that the school refuses to meet. Due to advice of an inept mediator I agreed to a 50-50 parenting plan. Basically, I have the kids 7-5:30 every weekday. I feed them 3 meals, I school them, I parent them. He picks them up on his weeknights and takes them to dance. They get to his home at 8/9PM and go to bed. This scenario is exactly like the marriage was...I do most of the parenting and he swoops in and plays with them when it suits him. The only differnece is he has them every other weekend without my help. He basically balks at helping them with any school work. It took the first mediator 1 hour to get him to agree to have the kids read for 20 minutes a night, it took him 6 weeks to get them beds and they were sleeping on the floor with a blanket and the dogs, and he had guns in the house.
I fired the inept mediator and hired an attorney. He suggests I ask for 65-35 parenting time. My AH is balking big time. It is ugly. I am tired of fighting for the kids and what I think is right, I’m tired of his hostility and lies. I am tired of the the professionals that meet him saying, “He seems to be such a nice and caring man.” (So do lots of high functioning alcoholics!!!) Maybe I should just give up and say OK, “If you want 50-50 let’s have it a true 50-50. We will alternate weeks and you do everything required for the week. The kids will go back to school. I will return to work. We will have to sell the house and probably move.
If I stay at home and Homeschool the plan was to add a lock off apartment to earn extra income for me, and keep the house together until the youngest graduates from high school. Then I would be tied to him and his manipulations for the next 6 years. I would be dealing with his crap and lies in a very personal way. But, the kids would be getting a better education than the public school in our small town provides and they would be keeping their "life" that they love. I would keep them at home until high school when the options for education increase.
I don’t know what to do because there are similar amounts of pros and cons for each decision. I think my codie need to control is interfering here and I may be unreasonable. Maybe he would rise to the occasion and parent them well or maybe hang himself with his own rope. He is drinking again, and hanging out in bars.
What am I not seeing here....All advice appreciated. TIA
First, some quick background. I’ve been married to AH 18 years and involved over 20 years. He has always had a problem with drugs and alcohol but I didn’t realize the extent or that he was an A until 7 years ago. I allowed myself to be convinced that I had unreasonable expectations and was a nag. The lying, manipulations and arrogance reached a all time high 7 years ago when my kids were 3 and 5. He had a DUI crash and miraculously survived life threatening injuries and walked away after a 6 month recovery with an amputated arm. I was the perfect codie and should have won the Florence Nightingale award for devoted and caring wife. Later I found out the entire incident was surrounded by lies and he claimed he quit drinking but I suspect he was secretly drinking because of the smell. Fast forward to last year I was hurt and required surgery and a lengthy recovery. I didn’t get much care from him (the arrogance, lying and manipulations were back big time) and instead he surprised me by having an affair, investing a large sum of money without my knowledge and lying his ass off about it all, while blaming me. That was my bottom and I filed for divorce 10 months later.
My dilemma involves the fact that I have been a stay at home mom and I have homeschooled my kids for the last 4 years. I Homeschool because one of them has specialized needs that the school refuses to meet. Due to advice of an inept mediator I agreed to a 50-50 parenting plan. Basically, I have the kids 7-5:30 every weekday. I feed them 3 meals, I school them, I parent them. He picks them up on his weeknights and takes them to dance. They get to his home at 8/9PM and go to bed. This scenario is exactly like the marriage was...I do most of the parenting and he swoops in and plays with them when it suits him. The only differnece is he has them every other weekend without my help. He basically balks at helping them with any school work. It took the first mediator 1 hour to get him to agree to have the kids read for 20 minutes a night, it took him 6 weeks to get them beds and they were sleeping on the floor with a blanket and the dogs, and he had guns in the house.
I fired the inept mediator and hired an attorney. He suggests I ask for 65-35 parenting time. My AH is balking big time. It is ugly. I am tired of fighting for the kids and what I think is right, I’m tired of his hostility and lies. I am tired of the the professionals that meet him saying, “He seems to be such a nice and caring man.” (So do lots of high functioning alcoholics!!!) Maybe I should just give up and say OK, “If you want 50-50 let’s have it a true 50-50. We will alternate weeks and you do everything required for the week. The kids will go back to school. I will return to work. We will have to sell the house and probably move.
If I stay at home and Homeschool the plan was to add a lock off apartment to earn extra income for me, and keep the house together until the youngest graduates from high school. Then I would be tied to him and his manipulations for the next 6 years. I would be dealing with his crap and lies in a very personal way. But, the kids would be getting a better education than the public school in our small town provides and they would be keeping their "life" that they love. I would keep them at home until high school when the options for education increase.
I don’t know what to do because there are similar amounts of pros and cons for each decision. I think my codie need to control is interfering here and I may be unreasonable. Maybe he would rise to the occasion and parent them well or maybe hang himself with his own rope. He is drinking again, and hanging out in bars.
What am I not seeing here....All advice appreciated. TIA
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Hampton Roads, VA
Posts: 68
I don't have kids so I really don't have much advice. Just wanted to offer you prayers & positive thoughts at this difficult time.
Are you sure keeping the kids at home would really be best? Especially at their respective ages they are old enough to know that something is not right. What kind of example are you setting for them in this situation?
Again I don't have kids so I don't really know that I'm qualified to even ask these questions. But I do know some others here will probably have good insight for you.
Are you sure keeping the kids at home would really be best? Especially at their respective ages they are old enough to know that something is not right. What kind of example are you setting for them in this situation?
Again I don't have kids so I don't really know that I'm qualified to even ask these questions. But I do know some others here will probably have good insight for you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
It sounds like you are trying to keep everything as close to the way it WAS and maybe that is not working any more for you.
Many things change with separation and divorce. My kids were no longer minors when my marriage ended but we all had to adjust to a quite different standard of living.
Draw up a list of pros and cons about the things that aren't working any more as you had hoped. Ask what the worst thing is that could happen if you had to change something that you don't want to change.
I suspect you have very high personal standards for yourself and the people who are important to you and that is good but there are times when you have to relinquish control.
Just a note...65-35 custody is STILL going to make you feel like you are doing it all.
ARL
Many things change with separation and divorce. My kids were no longer minors when my marriage ended but we all had to adjust to a quite different standard of living.
Draw up a list of pros and cons about the things that aren't working any more as you had hoped. Ask what the worst thing is that could happen if you had to change something that you don't want to change.
I suspect you have very high personal standards for yourself and the people who are important to you and that is good but there are times when you have to relinquish control.
Just a note...65-35 custody is STILL going to make you feel like you are doing it all.
ARL
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
we were in a sense both single working parents.....but not really cuz we co-parented and always had each others back. first couple years were kinda icky, but we got over it. we both worked to provde our kid the best life possible. we went without a lot of "stuff". we helped each other be better parents.........we were no longer husband and wife but we were always gonna be mom and dad.......
I'm hoping my divorce will evolve into something like this. But, my soon to be XAH only watches my back if it is in his interest. he still is playing mind games and very passive aggressive and his favorite technique is to gaslight me. It gets so old trying to live my life and protect myself at the same time. I'm hoping my recovery through ALanon will help with this.
It sounds like you are trying to keep everything as close to the way it WAS and maybe that is not working any more for you......I suspect you have very high personal standards for yourself and the people who are important to you and that is good but there are times when you have to relinquish control.
Are my standards high? I don't know and i don't think so when I compare myself to other mothers I know. I want my kids in a gun free home, with a sober parent that sees to their needs. I think I am very tolerant but you are right that I want to keep it as easy as possible for my precious kids and that is the dilemma. Is better for them to keep things the same or better for them to have a big change but a healthy recovering mom...I'm leaning toward door #2 at the moment.
Just a note...65-35 custody is STILL going to make you feel like you are doing it all.
I don't mind doing it all. I mind being taken advantage of and disrespected by AH. My lawyer said that the 65-35 arrangement is smarter in the long run for me from a legal standpoint. In the event that I need to move away it is easier if I am the primary parent. I hope to never keep them from their Dad but I will if it becomes unsafe. AH wants me to sacrifice everything since he works. I should be responsible for all holiday time including summers so he doesn't have to pay a babysitter...it is easier for him. In the mean time his salary increase, his retirement increases while I'm having a hard time financially without any retirement. Then my kids move out and I'm in my early 50's needing to find a job... Ok, I'm starting to see my decision guys--well atleast for tonight!
Thanks all.
I'm hoping my divorce will evolve into something like this. But, my soon to be XAH only watches my back if it is in his interest. he still is playing mind games and very passive aggressive and his favorite technique is to gaslight me. It gets so old trying to live my life and protect myself at the same time. I'm hoping my recovery through ALanon will help with this.
It sounds like you are trying to keep everything as close to the way it WAS and maybe that is not working any more for you......I suspect you have very high personal standards for yourself and the people who are important to you and that is good but there are times when you have to relinquish control.
Are my standards high? I don't know and i don't think so when I compare myself to other mothers I know. I want my kids in a gun free home, with a sober parent that sees to their needs. I think I am very tolerant but you are right that I want to keep it as easy as possible for my precious kids and that is the dilemma. Is better for them to keep things the same or better for them to have a big change but a healthy recovering mom...I'm leaning toward door #2 at the moment.
Just a note...65-35 custody is STILL going to make you feel like you are doing it all.
I don't mind doing it all. I mind being taken advantage of and disrespected by AH. My lawyer said that the 65-35 arrangement is smarter in the long run for me from a legal standpoint. In the event that I need to move away it is easier if I am the primary parent. I hope to never keep them from their Dad but I will if it becomes unsafe. AH wants me to sacrifice everything since he works. I should be responsible for all holiday time including summers so he doesn't have to pay a babysitter...it is easier for him. In the mean time his salary increase, his retirement increases while I'm having a hard time financially without any retirement. Then my kids move out and I'm in my early 50's needing to find a job... Ok, I'm starting to see my decision guys--well atleast for tonight!
Thanks all.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by Chrysalis123 
Basically, I have the kids 7-5:30 every weekday. I feed them 3 meals, I school them, I parent them. He picks them up on his weeknights and takes them to dance. They get to his home at 8/9PM and go to bed. This scenario is exactly like the marriage was...I do most of the parenting and he swoops in and plays with them when it suits him.
What am I not seeing here.... TIA
What am I not seeing here.... TIA
So some things don't change when there is change, just less stress.
Think things through and make your choices on what is best for your health and safety and that of your children.
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
I am a homeschooling parent. My advice: in the long run...a beaten down and frazzled mom is not in your childrens best interest. What is best for mom generally blesses the children...What kids will remember most is, "Was mom happy?" I don't think you can survive like this until your 50yrs old. You could work during the day, have a trusted person babysit the children and homeschool at night. Just my thoughts. Only you know what is best.
((((C123))))
((((C123))))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: MO
Posts: 56
Firstly, Gentle hugs to you!! My children are nearly 12 and 10 as well...and I am stepping out for the first time as a single parent. It was pointed out to me by a very dear friend of mine that I tend to worry too much about making the "perfect" decisions for my children especially when they are always at the expense of my own health. The ironic part to the "perfect" decisions is simply this...they are decisions that I have preconceived notions about, and after tons of evaluation I realize that they weren't "perfect" anyway. With this change, with all the changes of leaving my AH and my inability to even consider moving them from one school to another as I thought I would absolutely destroy my kids with such a change in schools, I realized that the changes also represent a new life for us. As scary as it is even now to think about these things it is also very inspiring! As parents we do our very best to make our children have the most wonderful life possible(as we should) but as stated above...are they really going to be happy if we are completely drained and frustrated and disappointed and left with nothing for ourselves when they grow up and move out. Do we then become bitter and once again feel "left"?
The moral of my story here is it was MY inability to make changes. I have been so focused on trying to make things as easy as possible for the kids (as parents do) that I haven't been able to see that the changes I thought so negative really are quite the opposite and that my children are much more resilient than I...
I also hang tightly to this... I am so lucky to have the most wonderful, loving, honest and open relationship with my children...if I am able to maintain that relationship I KNOW I am doing something right for them and MYself!
hugs to you chrys! Go easy on yourself...as a mother you are blessed with the ability to have unconditional love...so however many times we may make the wrong decision...we always have the opportunity to make it right!
g
The moral of my story here is it was MY inability to make changes. I have been so focused on trying to make things as easy as possible for the kids (as parents do) that I haven't been able to see that the changes I thought so negative really are quite the opposite and that my children are much more resilient than I...
I also hang tightly to this... I am so lucky to have the most wonderful, loving, honest and open relationship with my children...if I am able to maintain that relationship I KNOW I am doing something right for them and MYself!
hugs to you chrys! Go easy on yourself...as a mother you are blessed with the ability to have unconditional love...so however many times we may make the wrong decision...we always have the opportunity to make it right!
g
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Originally Posted by gjfc3
The moral of my story here is it was MY inability to make changes. I have been so focused on trying to make things as easy as possible for the kids (as parents do) that I haven't been able to see that the changes I thought so negative really are quite the opposite and that my children are much more resilient than I...
I also hang tightly to this... I am so lucky to have the most wonderful, loving, honest and open relationship with my children...if I am able to maintain that relationship I KNOW I am doing something right for them and MYself!g
I also hang tightly to this... I am so lucky to have the most wonderful, loving, honest and open relationship with my children...if I am able to maintain that relationship I KNOW I am doing something right for them and MYself!g
So, I need to breathe, and trust that my HP has this all in control and I am exactly where I need to be today. Thank you so much as you gave me hope and strength.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
When my husband and I separated, I suddenly found myself faced with some choices as well. We had lived 35 miles away from where I work for nearly 10 years. Why? Because he didn't "like" the town I work in.
I could never count on him to be available when the kids needed to be picked up at school, and I was 35 miles away. This was a constant source of stress and worry to me knowing I would be over a 1/2 hour away in case of emergency.
After much agonizing, I decided to sell the house and move to where I work. This meant my kids had to change schools. I was so worried about what this would do to them. I waited till school was out for the summer so they could start in the new town at the beginning of a new grade. (They were 5th and 9th grade at the time.)
I am amazed at how well it all turned out. They both love their new schools and since it is a slightly bigger town, they both have more opportunities to choose from in the way of activities. And I no longer have to worry about my ability to respond in case of an emergency. It has been a total win-win situation. Except for their father, who still insists on living 35 miles away. But that's his decision, and his problem.
Do what's best for you and your kids, even if it seems difficult. You won't regret it.
L
I could never count on him to be available when the kids needed to be picked up at school, and I was 35 miles away. This was a constant source of stress and worry to me knowing I would be over a 1/2 hour away in case of emergency.
After much agonizing, I decided to sell the house and move to where I work. This meant my kids had to change schools. I was so worried about what this would do to them. I waited till school was out for the summer so they could start in the new town at the beginning of a new grade. (They were 5th and 9th grade at the time.)
I am amazed at how well it all turned out. They both love their new schools and since it is a slightly bigger town, they both have more opportunities to choose from in the way of activities. And I no longer have to worry about my ability to respond in case of an emergency. It has been a total win-win situation. Except for their father, who still insists on living 35 miles away. But that's his decision, and his problem.
Do what's best for you and your kids, even if it seems difficult. You won't regret it.
L
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
