sam79

Since ive been wondering how to cope and get myself stronger the past month or so my b/f problems have been getting worse again.

Hes been trying to stop drinking but over the past month has had a number of binges, the worst lasted 6 days.

Following this he screamed at me to get out and never come back and called me some horrible names. He was very drunk and was scaring me so much.

So i got a bit of my stuff together and our two cats and asked my mum if i come back to her house. I have done this about 3 times in the past year or so but gone back hoping things would change.

I finally got used to the idea that he hated me and didnt want me in his life again, we had no contact for 4 days and i went out got myself a tv and laptop and started planning what to do.

since then we talked, hes apologised and told me everything he says when drunk he doesnt mean, he thinks if he says those things and i leave i wont stay around and he cant hurt me anymore.
He said he loves me and would do anything to get help and get better so we can work on us again. Apparently he doesnt want anyone else despite going behind my back several times.

i wasnt sure if he actually meant it this time but agreed to get help. He is is seeing a new alcohol practitioner on 20th February to see if he can have detox. Also he is going to see a group who help people with alcoholism to get back to work and get training the next day.

I must admit this made me think he was serious about it this time but though i still needed to see some action.

We sat and talked some more a few days later and he said he would love to have me and the cats back as he missed us so much. I must say that at this point i realised that i would love it if we could get back together and sort this once and for all but we have get ourselves sorted first, we cannot build a relationship on two people with problems, its always cause so many arguements.

He agreed and i just let my mum know that we wanted to give it another go with all the help we can get from support groups etc.......

Well this is kinda the bit i need advice on, my mum said 'well you are a bigger fool than i thought you were in the first place and i dont want anymore to do with it'

I was so upset, my b/f said that he was sure if i had a good talk with her she would understand. Unfortunately she didnt.
I was told that if i go back to him and things go wrong she will not allow me to come back to her house again and will have nothing to do with me.

How could she say that to me???? i was absolutely gutted that my own mum would abandon me like this.
She said fair enough,stay friends,see eachother and do what you want but live separately. She even said she would help him find out what benefits he could get to cope living alone(hes unemployed and totally broke) and go to places with him for moral support but as soon as i want to be more than friends and work on our relationship together she turns he back on me and says she cant handle anymore crap from all this and its taking its toll on her as well as me and im better off out of it.

Obviousl;y my b/f thinks she is being very unreasonable and selfish and i am wondering the same thing.

What ever i choose to do im gonna lose someone i love. My b/f is resigned to the fact im never gonna be able to come back to him again now and is getting really stressed out again and im taking the backlash. I so know hes gonna be getting drunk again over this.

I love my b/f and i love my mum and dont want to lose either of them. This is an impossible situation for me and i feel like im being forced to choose.

How can i?????????????? please help!

Sorry its so long!

sam.xx

ARealLady

Hi Sam.

I am a parent and I only want what is best for my adult children. The door of my home is always open to them but I will not rescue them. I raised them to the point where they are independent and able to take responsibility for their actions.

Your mother has lived on the earth much longer than you have, Sam. She has experience of the world and is able to give you her opinion 1) because she possibly knows more than you about human nature, 2) because she can as your mother and 3) because she loves you! Sorry, if I sound harsh, but you have allowed this endless cycle of drama if you've already moved in and out of your BF's house and your mother's house three times this past year. Your mother could well be trying to protect HERSELF from the drama....and isn't that her right?

What are you going to do to break the cycle now and take back control over your life?

Based on my own experience with XABF and his empty promises, this disease gets worse before it ever starts to get better. Your BF abuses you emotionally so that you have to leave and then he reels you back in with promises.

Why don't you get your own place, work on you (Read Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie and go to Alanon or CODA meetings), and see how you feel after your BF has been seriously working a programme for one year?

ARL

denny57

I think your mom is doing a great job at detaching, bully for her!

No situation is impossible for me, except maybe living with active alcoholism when I'm not the one drinking.

Questions I'd ask myself: why is it so important to go back at this time? what needs are being met? what good does it serve? what bad does it serve? just a little while ago i got used to the idea he "hated" me and now I believe he loves me - why?

There are a thousand more - how about trying a brutally honest list of pros and cons?

Good luck!

nowinsituation

I don't think your Mom is abandoning you. I think she is doing everything she can to help you -- it's called tough love. Sounds like she has set a boundary and is sticking to it. Being a Mom myself, I imagine it's very hard for her to NOT let you move back in again. But, she knows that you will never grow and learn if you know she is always there to rescue you. She has offered to help in other ways, which just shows how much she does love you and want YOU to be in control of your life. IMO -- you should proceed slowly and cautiously (if at all) with ABF. Wait for results and real progress, not just promises.

sam79

probably because im scared.

i never saw my life without him,never wanted anyone else and then all this happens.

alcoholhas changed his personality but i truely belive he doesnt want to be this way, he is in a rut and doesnt see a way out, that is why he has these appointments and im hoping it will make a difference.

atm i have no choice but to stay at my mums. i cant just go back and never have contact with my own mum! but i love my b/f very much although i know what he has done is very wrong but he also knows this too.

we do really want us to work out but we have to try and get over our individual problems first,if we can.

its a horrible situation to be in and its all because of his actions but i feel like im the one whos gonna lose everything,not him.

Mair

Sam, i know what your going through, my family told me over and over to get the hell out, listen to your Mam she is a healthy person looking from the outside in and is seeing two sick people who are wrecking each others lives, your mum is doing what you should be doing setting bounderies. You should set the bounderies with your ab, tell him that in 1 year you and him can move in together, as long as he can stay sober and is working a programme. If he is serious about this ,he will see it is not an unreasonable request.
.
"She even said she would help him find out what benefits he could get to cope living alone(hes unemployed and totally broke) and go to places with him for moral support "

What!! he is a grown man, by enabling him like this he will never take responsibility for his actions. If he gets more benefits or a job what do you think he will spend his extra money on? I dont mean so sound horrible, but i wish someone had told me that living with an active alcoholic is hell. And that it get worse.

"alcoholhas changed his personality but i truely belive he doesnt want to be this way, he is in a rut and doesnt see a way out, that is why he has these appointments and im hoping it will make a difference"

And what will you do if it doesnt work? Can you go back to your Mams?

I have a feeling you are being manipulated here, alcoholics are good at this, if he was seriously going to stop for HIMSELF he would never put these pressures on you.

"Obviousl;y my b/f thinks she is being very unreasonable and selfish and i am wondering the same thing"

Obviously your Mother is a threat to his drinking!!!!

Please be very careful Sam, read codependant no more, it helped me a lot and it will help you to to take care of yourself.

Mair x

NYC_Chick

Sam:

Alcohol will always win unless HE wants to get help.

I just went through a similar situation. My xabf told me after 3 years of being together that he has been drinking every night for our entire relationship and has lied to me about it. I didn't live with him, so I had no clue. He has since decided that while he is an alcoholic, he can drink socially, which I would not accept.

I have been fed the same lines over and over "I cannot accept you won't be in my life," "You are the love of my life," "I would never do anything to hurt us," Blah, Blah, Blah. Does this mean he doesn't really love you? Of course not, but it does mean he will say whatever it takes to get you back, so he can stop worrying about getting you back and get back to his drinking schedule.

I think your mom is doing the right thing. My mom knows about my situation and has been very supportive, but I live in another state and my constant back and forth isn't really disrupting her life. You mom seems to be looking out for you AND her own sanity.

I think you should stay out for a while. I recently ended my relationship because it's been hell for the last 7 months since I found out. I did this for two reasons. First, I can't live like that anymore. Second, if I continually stay, he has me as a crutch and will never seriously consider getting help. At least apart there is a chance he will slide further into his disease (my hope) and realize he needs to take his recovery seriously. If he did, there would be a chance for us in the future once a good amount of time passes. I don't believe that will happen, so I'm in therapy working on getting over it, but if it makes you feel better than just cutting the relationship off, tell him you'll let him get into his recovery for a while and consider where you are both at later in time.

Also, for what it's worth, I think some of them realize they are hurting their partners and try to remove them from the equation to avoid inflicting more pain, but in the end, the selfishness takes over and they are in hot pursuit again.

Take care of you for now and let him take care of him!

Mr. Christian

Sorry to say but it sounds like your mother is doing the right thing.
If I were you I’d listen to her. Nothing is worth what you are going through and for him to change, will take YEARS.


Move on.

hope2bhappy

Are you listening to yourself? Your b/f is back and forth with the bottle... you are back and forth in his life... your addiction to him is the same as his addiction to the bottle. Just as he slips, so do you.

As a result, your mother has been part of this because you are back and forth in her home. Just as you continue to enable your b/f's drinking, your mother has continued to enable you by allowing you to move in and out, in and out... She's breaking the cycle. Someone has to. Once you have spent some time working on your own recovery, I think this will become clear to you.

You think your mother is doing a mean thing, but she is actually helping you (and herself in the process)... you just can't see that right now. Just because you are willing to put up with this kind of life, doesn't mean that your mother should, also. Your mother has taken the right and proper action, here.

Barbara52

I applaud your mother for setting her own boundaries and sticking to them. She doesn't need the entanglement with someone else's alcoholism, she doesn't need to enable your behavior/choice to continue to enable your bf.

If one of my children were in the smae situation, I would say he same thing. Just as I have no power to change an alcoholic, I have no power to change an enabler.

Only you can decide what you want for your life. Only your mother can decide what she wants for her life. Only you bf can decide what he want from his life.