How to confront the functional drinker?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 4
How to confront the functional drinker?
Hello,
First off, I am not here for a drinking problem of mine, I do not consider myself to have a drinking problem. Sure I go out and have a couple drinks on Saturday night but I'm here because I'm concerned about my boyfriend.
He is a highly functional drinker. He rarely shows signs of being intoxicated but I can see him polishing off over half a bottle of Makers in one night, sometimes more. He drinks every night and at some points in our relationship he admitted to drinking before work. that has stopped but the drinking has not decreased, only increased as far as I can tell.
He doesn't get mean or aggressive from drinking, usually just ultra sensitive. He takes great care in his appearance and work ethic. He has no classic signs of an alcoholic. Yet I don't believe anyone can drink as much and as often as he does to not develope some addiction.
I've talked to him about it many times and he always agrees that he drinks too much. I've offered to not drink for a while with him but somehow he always changes the subject in a sneaky way that I don't push it. I don't think he believes he has a drinking "problem" because he always says he can stop or not drink but I have yet to see that day in a very long time.
Does anyone have any advice or knowledge of a similar experience? He doesn't seem to hide his drinking from me either. I know he knows it bothers me. I had an alcoholic father as did he. I just want him to be healthier because I know it affects our relationship in ways that he does not even see. He is always overly tired, unless I want to go get a drink. he doesn't want to do any physical activities with me or ever. What to do? Please if anyone knows anything!
Thanks
First off, I am not here for a drinking problem of mine, I do not consider myself to have a drinking problem. Sure I go out and have a couple drinks on Saturday night but I'm here because I'm concerned about my boyfriend.
He is a highly functional drinker. He rarely shows signs of being intoxicated but I can see him polishing off over half a bottle of Makers in one night, sometimes more. He drinks every night and at some points in our relationship he admitted to drinking before work. that has stopped but the drinking has not decreased, only increased as far as I can tell.
He doesn't get mean or aggressive from drinking, usually just ultra sensitive. He takes great care in his appearance and work ethic. He has no classic signs of an alcoholic. Yet I don't believe anyone can drink as much and as often as he does to not develope some addiction.
I've talked to him about it many times and he always agrees that he drinks too much. I've offered to not drink for a while with him but somehow he always changes the subject in a sneaky way that I don't push it. I don't think he believes he has a drinking "problem" because he always says he can stop or not drink but I have yet to see that day in a very long time.
Does anyone have any advice or knowledge of a similar experience? He doesn't seem to hide his drinking from me either. I know he knows it bothers me. I had an alcoholic father as did he. I just want him to be healthier because I know it affects our relationship in ways that he does not even see. He is always overly tired, unless I want to go get a drink. he doesn't want to do any physical activities with me or ever. What to do? Please if anyone knows anything!
Thanks
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
When I was young and first married, I remember asking my ex-alcoholic husband "Can't you ever just not drink for one night?"
He couldn't either. I didn't understand then that he was an alcoholic. It took me a long time and a ton of suffering before I admitted he had a problem and found some self-help books. The self-help books were for me, not him. I had become as sick as him by that time and I was scared to death of how low I was in life.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. That means he will NEVER get better at drinking, and he will definitely get way worse. It just gets more terrible and more terrible.
It's hard to admit that this is the truth, that your boyfriend is an alcoholic. And for sure don't expect him to recognize this truth just because you do, when you do. Try reading some literature on being codependent to someone who has an addiction. It helps you to get the focus back on yourself and what YOU really want out of life, even if it means not being with your boyfriend anymore.
Just think about it, and read a bunch here. It's very eye-opening. If you realize that he is an alcoholic while reading, understand that it can be a very painful experience and kind of sucks the wind right out of your life. But that passes and then you soon feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders, just with this KNOWLEDGE. The smarter you get on the subject, the better it feels. Even if it means not being with your boyfriend for the rest of your life.
He couldn't either. I didn't understand then that he was an alcoholic. It took me a long time and a ton of suffering before I admitted he had a problem and found some self-help books. The self-help books were for me, not him. I had become as sick as him by that time and I was scared to death of how low I was in life.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. That means he will NEVER get better at drinking, and he will definitely get way worse. It just gets more terrible and more terrible.
It's hard to admit that this is the truth, that your boyfriend is an alcoholic. And for sure don't expect him to recognize this truth just because you do, when you do. Try reading some literature on being codependent to someone who has an addiction. It helps you to get the focus back on yourself and what YOU really want out of life, even if it means not being with your boyfriend anymore.
Just think about it, and read a bunch here. It's very eye-opening. If you realize that he is an alcoholic while reading, understand that it can be a very painful experience and kind of sucks the wind right out of your life. But that passes and then you soon feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders, just with this KNOWLEDGE. The smarter you get on the subject, the better it feels. Even if it means not being with your boyfriend for the rest of your life.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
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Originally Posted by Livin' It 
I've talked to him about it many times and he always agrees that he drinks too much.
Originally Posted by Livin' It
I know he knows it bothers me.
So, I would propose that the question is not "how to confront him," but rather "what are you going to do now?"
L
Another Day in Paradise
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Upland, CA
Posts: 900
I was your boyfriend for almost 25 years. Never did lose stuff; just marriages, children's affection and in some cases contact with those children. I was a business owner during all my years of drinking and continue to be today after 8 years plus of sobriety. I never displayed any untoward behavior that would have caused folks to label my "heavy drinking" as actual alcoholism. No DUIs or any legal problems, I just gradually isolated and soon I was terrified, (quietly and in a dignified manner of course) that I really was an alcoholic. I was not good for those that loved me because I had my Canadian Club every night and eventually during the day as well and the good single malt scotch and all the right cognac and wine. I was a VERY DIGNIFIED AND WELL APPOINTED DRUNK! Finally when I could no longer stand who I had become I went to AA and that was when I realized just how absolutely selfish and self centered I had become.
The point is that we as the alcoholic don't even fathom how isolated we are becoming. We don't FAIL TO CARE ABOUT OUR LOVED ONES, we simply FORGET THEY EXIST.
No amount of concern and love or any amount of threats and ultimatums will alter the alcoholic’s path. We are done when and if we are done, end of story. The odds of most of us getting sober for any length of time and in fact staying sober are very small.
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, however it is delivered to impress on you that as was previously said, take care of yourself and understand that unless you are prepared to live with a practicing alcoholic you had best assume that the odds say that most of us don't recover. I did stop some years ago, it was a decision based entirely on my needs. Ironically when I did it was within 3 months I left (yes me) a 7-1/2 year live in relationship with a non alcoholic woman because I was no longer the fellow she had known when I was drinking.
Best of luck,
Jon
The point is that we as the alcoholic don't even fathom how isolated we are becoming. We don't FAIL TO CARE ABOUT OUR LOVED ONES, we simply FORGET THEY EXIST.
No amount of concern and love or any amount of threats and ultimatums will alter the alcoholic’s path. We are done when and if we are done, end of story. The odds of most of us getting sober for any length of time and in fact staying sober are very small.
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, however it is delivered to impress on you that as was previously said, take care of yourself and understand that unless you are prepared to live with a practicing alcoholic you had best assume that the odds say that most of us don't recover. I did stop some years ago, it was a decision based entirely on my needs. Ironically when I did it was within 3 months I left (yes me) a 7-1/2 year live in relationship with a non alcoholic woman because I was no longer the fellow she had known when I was drinking.
Best of luck,
Jon
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Even if by some chance your BF is not an alcoholic, the amount he drinks is a problem in your relationship which means its a problem. He knows this but won't change. So what do you want in your lide going forward? More of the same or something better/different. That is the real question to consider. You can't change or control him. You can change or control your own life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Hi,
I am new to these boards as well. I learned, very painfully this week, that unless the A wants to do anything about it he won't. My recent ex decided, after being a pint a night whiskey drinker, that he is an alcoholic, but can control it.
My story is different in that he lied to me about the drinking for three years, and I had no clue because he hid it so well. He finally told me and said he was going to get help numerous times. Technically we've been apart for a couple of months. Monday he gave me an ultimatum to accept the drinking or he would move on. I got this in a lengthy email in which he professed his undying love also. I emailed to clarify that he was taking alcohol over me. I emailed "Yes." I emailed back "Ok. Goodbye." That was the last I've heard from him, then on to counseling for me to begin the moving on process.
On the flip side there are different stories on this board that can give some hope. I would just be prepared for the worst if you are really ready to do something about it. For now, keep the focus on you. That is difficult, but I think any of us in this situation have no choice if we want to be sane.
I am new to these boards as well. I learned, very painfully this week, that unless the A wants to do anything about it he won't. My recent ex decided, after being a pint a night whiskey drinker, that he is an alcoholic, but can control it.
My story is different in that he lied to me about the drinking for three years, and I had no clue because he hid it so well. He finally told me and said he was going to get help numerous times. Technically we've been apart for a couple of months. Monday he gave me an ultimatum to accept the drinking or he would move on. I got this in a lengthy email in which he professed his undying love also. I emailed to clarify that he was taking alcohol over me. I emailed "Yes." I emailed back "Ok. Goodbye." That was the last I've heard from him, then on to counseling for me to begin the moving on process.
On the flip side there are different stories on this board that can give some hope. I would just be prepared for the worst if you are really ready to do something about it. For now, keep the focus on you. That is difficult, but I think any of us in this situation have no choice if we want to be sane.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Birmingham, Alabama
Posts: 44
If I knew then what I
know now, I would have kept on searching. I am nearly 40 years old, with four precious children and my AH of 16 years, walked out on us almost three weeks ago. He was a functional alcoholic for many years but as his disease progressed, we no longer fit into his life. His conscious has been numbed if it ever even existed. He only cares for himself and I can't tell you how much damage it has done to me and my kids, especially my two older ones. I know it sounds callous but if I was 'just dating' someone and already recongnizing problems I would run the other way before I invested any more energy, spirit or time in the relationship. There is a whole world out there. Work on yourself and try to pinpoint why you may be attracted to this type of person. Work hard at not needing to have someone in your life in order to feel complete. I suggest reading this forum and try some of the suggested self help books. Alanon is doing wonders for me and I also see a spiritual counselor which helps me deal with my own self. I wish you luck and hope you make a wise choice. This choice could shape the next 20 years or more. I wish someone would have pointed this out to me years ago when I was having similar concerns. ALthough I did get the very best out of him in my four wonderful children. For that, I WOULD do it all over again. =))
Melissa
Melissa
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
Thank you for sharing with us
Originally Posted by Jfanagle
I was your boyfriend for almost 25 years. Never did lose stuff; just marriages, children's affection and in some cases contact with those children. Finally when I could no longer stand who I had become I went to AA and that was when I realized just how absolutely selfish and self centered I had become.
The point is that we as the alcoholic don't even fathom how isolated we are becoming. We don't FAIL TO CARE ABOUT OUR LOVED ONES, we simply FORGET THEY EXIST.
No amount of concern and love or any amount of threats and ultimatums will alter the alcoholic’s path. We are done when and if we are done, end of story. The odds of most of us getting sober for any length of time and in fact staying sober are very small.
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, however it is delivered to impress on you that as was previously said, take care of yourself and understand that unless you are prepared to live with a practicing alcoholic you had best assume that the odds say that most of us don't recover.
The point is that we as the alcoholic don't even fathom how isolated we are becoming. We don't FAIL TO CARE ABOUT OUR LOVED ONES, we simply FORGET THEY EXIST.
No amount of concern and love or any amount of threats and ultimatums will alter the alcoholic’s path. We are done when and if we are done, end of story. The odds of most of us getting sober for any length of time and in fact staying sober are very small.
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, however it is delivered to impress on you that as was previously said, take care of yourself and understand that unless you are prepared to live with a practicing alcoholic you had best assume that the odds say that most of us don't recover.
I always recommend open aa meetings to anyone trying to "get an angle" on alcoholics. I think post like yours, Jfanagle, are so important and I hope everyone is listening...spoken from the mouth of an alcoholic himself.
Thank you.
Retired Pro Drunk
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Saint Paul, MN
Posts: 901
Hey Livin It, looks like you have a lot of boyfriends on this board because I was your boyfriend too! Only difference was I drank gin instead of whiskey.
Same situation - my wife is worried about my health. Convinces me to get a physical and be *honest* with the Dr. about how much I drink a night. I do so. Dr. tells me as long as I'm not getting in trouble with the law or losing jobs I'm probably okay. Checks the liver and such. Yay! I can keep drinking all I want!
Then the wifey says she wants me to get a real chemcal assessment. I do so. They tell me I'm a raging drunk and I check into treatment, but not for me, for her.
I've now been in treatment 3 times, county detox once, innumerable relapses, etc. Yet still have never had any trouble with the law or at work.
It took me a long time to see the consequences of my drinking and using. This last treatment I was in was from July - Novemeber last year. I spent lots of time on the not-so-tangible consequences of drinking. They are there, believe me!
I hope I hope I hope it doesn't take as long for your boyfriend to understand the intangible consequences as it did for me.
Same situation - my wife is worried about my health. Convinces me to get a physical and be *honest* with the Dr. about how much I drink a night. I do so. Dr. tells me as long as I'm not getting in trouble with the law or losing jobs I'm probably okay. Checks the liver and such. Yay! I can keep drinking all I want!
Then the wifey says she wants me to get a real chemcal assessment. I do so. They tell me I'm a raging drunk and I check into treatment, but not for me, for her.
I've now been in treatment 3 times, county detox once, innumerable relapses, etc. Yet still have never had any trouble with the law or at work.
It took me a long time to see the consequences of my drinking and using. This last treatment I was in was from July - Novemeber last year. I spent lots of time on the not-so-tangible consequences of drinking. They are there, believe me!
I hope I hope I hope it doesn't take as long for your boyfriend to understand the intangible consequences as it did for me.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,051
I agree, excellent response from Jfanagle! As I read this post I kept thinking "hey, I know this person". Just as Jon shared, this was me for 27 years.
Most likely it'll continue to increase. That's the natural progression of alcoholism. For me it was sometimes more, sometimes less, but at my end there wasn't enough.
No, not yet. Those are just a few of the "yets" that alcoholics in recovery often speak of. I was married twice, and didn't consider myself a mean or aggressive drinker, but I'd bet money my ex's would tell you otherwise. I'm incredibly passive-aggressive, and I also took my anger out on other things such as pets and inanimate objects. I never hit my wives (Thank God. We're not supposed to.) but there were times when it crossed my mind. And oh, normal drinkers don't have "accidents" where their children end up with broken noses from being dropped on the ground. Yep, I was very sensitive and loving too. That's one of the methods I used to manipulate and control my relationships, along with lying through my teeth.
I always showered and dressed in clean clothes, but rarely shopped for new clothing. I'd spend the money on booze instead. As far as work, I never missed a day and always functioned. After all, my boss was one of my drinking partners and I looked forward to cracking open my first beer at 4:00 PM every day.
I knew I drank too much no matter how many times my second wife suggested it to me. But there were no serious repurcussions so I saw no reason to change. I got drunk, I fell down, no problem! Even when I knew I was hurting people I just excused it as no big deal, slowed down for a few weeks, then returned and drank more than I previously was.
Yes, I do, and there are rooms full of people in recovery who are willing to share their experience and help you with your recovery. Have you attended Al-Anon or open AA meetings? That'd be a great place to start.
Welcome to SR, I'm glad you've joined our family.
Scott
Originally Posted by Livin' It
only increased as far as I can tell.
Originally Posted by Livin' It
He doesn't get mean or aggressive from drinking, usually just ultra sensitive. He takes great care in his appearance and work ethic. He has no classic signs of an alcoholic.
I always showered and dressed in clean clothes, but rarely shopped for new clothing. I'd spend the money on booze instead. As far as work, I never missed a day and always functioned. After all, my boss was one of my drinking partners and I looked forward to cracking open my first beer at 4:00 PM every day.
Originally Posted by Livin' It
I've talked to him about it many times and he always agrees that he drinks too much. I've offered to not drink for a while with him but somehow he always changes the subject in a sneaky way that I don't push it. I don't think he believes he has a drinking "problem" because he always says he can stop or not drink but I have yet to see that day in a very long time.
Originally Posted by Livin' It
Does anyone have any advice or knowledge of a similar experience?
What to do? Please if anyone knows anything!
What to do? Please if anyone knows anything!
Welcome to SR, I'm glad you've joined our family.
Scott
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
keep um comin
Originally Posted by justanothrdrunk
Hey Livin It, looks like you have a lot of boyfriends on this board because I was your boyfriend too! Only difference was I drank gin instead of whiskey....Same situation...
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
Originally Posted by Astro
Just as Jon shared, this was me for 27 years...
Yep, I was very sensitive and loving too. That's one of the methods I used to manipulate and control my relationships, along with lying through my teeth...I knew I drank too much no matter how many times my second wife suggested it to me. But there were no serious repurcussions so I saw no reason to change. I got drunk, I fell down, no problem! Even when I knew I was hurting people I just excused it as no big deal, slowed down for a few weeks, then returned and drank more than I previously was...Yes, I do, and there are rooms full of people in recovery who are willing to share their experience and help you with your recovery. Have you attended Al-Anon or open AA meetings? That'd be a great place to start.
Yep, I was very sensitive and loving too. That's one of the methods I used to manipulate and control my relationships, along with lying through my teeth...I knew I drank too much no matter how many times my second wife suggested it to me. But there were no serious repurcussions so I saw no reason to change. I got drunk, I fell down, no problem! Even when I knew I was hurting people I just excused it as no big deal, slowed down for a few weeks, then returned and drank more than I previously was...Yes, I do, and there are rooms full of people in recovery who are willing to share their experience and help you with your recovery. Have you attended Al-Anon or open AA meetings? That'd be a great place to start.
Thank you HP...you do answer prayers. I hope everyone is listening. I don't care if I look like a repetitive idiot...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Justanothrdrunk - My eabf went and did the liver test too! After 3 plus years of a pint of whiskey a night, he was scared!!! Well, the night of the results was also the first time he fell off the wagon. Thanks for the reminder that nothing WE do will help the Alcoholic.
Astro - Thanks for this also. My eabf told me twice during arguments that he wanted to "smash my face in." I'd forgotten about it until now. It always helps to be reminded of the terrible so I can stop dwelling on the saddness that he's out of my life.
Question: How do I explain myself at an AA meeting? I went once and when I didn't say I was a alcoholic right after my name, they all looked at me a little puzzled. Thanks!
Astro - Thanks for this also. My eabf told me twice during arguments that he wanted to "smash my face in." I'd forgotten about it until now. It always helps to be reminded of the terrible so I can stop dwelling on the saddness that he's out of my life.
Question: How do I explain myself at an AA meeting? I went once and when I didn't say I was a alcoholic right after my name, they all looked at me a little puzzled. Thanks!
Retired Pro Drunk
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Saint Paul, MN
Posts: 901
Originally Posted by NYC_Chick
Question: How do I explain myself at an AA meeting? I went once and when I didn't say I was a alcoholic right after my name, they all looked at me a little puzzled. Thanks!
Maybe you wandered into a closed meeting before by mistake.
Either that or you could say, "I'm Soandso and I'm here to support AAperson."
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by Growing
(((((Astro))))) Thank you Astro.
Thank you HP...you do answer prayers. I hope everyone is listening. I don't care if I look like a repetitive idiot...
Thank you HP...you do answer prayers. I hope everyone is listening. I don't care if I look like a repetitive idiot...
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