thanks -- didn't mean to scare you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Hinsdale, Illinois
Posts: 19
thanks -- didn't mean to scare you!
Overwhelmed by your real concern. Thank you (one and all). I neglected to mention that he has not hit me. Not that he's not verbally abusive. But he sure does get my extreme fears up. In my self-pity, I just wrote that post, but rereading it and your responses I think I misled you. However, I'm not going to say that it couldn't happen, or explode into something physical, so I'm taking your advice to heart anyway, because it still applies.
No explosions on Sunday. Alanon meeting went well on Friday. Worked at writing my thesis all day Sat and Sun, (despite the chaos -- how on earth???) and delivered a chapter this morning to my professor. I didn't know how I'd make that 10 am meeting this morning, but I strolled in at 9:59 -- somehow. It takes me an hour to drive to the university, and it was a beautiful warm sunny day, and I was starting to think of all the things I wanted to say to my AH. Eventually, my heart felt a pinch (physically). I asked God to take the pain away and help me figure out what to do. I saw my breakfast bar sitting on the seat -- the mental lightbulb went on -- and I said outloud "do something good for yourself" and the something was to eat my breakfast. And the physical pain disappeared. Perhaps the psychic pain lessened a bit too.
Of course, on the way home I was thinking (AGAIN) a little too much about what I'd like to say -- all of it couched in AA/Alanon terms. And there's the problem: I can be manipulative and controlling using AA/Alanon terms as much as I could be without using them. Ugh. So, how do I know when I am trying to force an outcome? Because I just want an outcome? What if I want an outcome, but am detached from getting it? I don't think I'm detached yet
, but just thinking theoretically . . . .
I'm so used to not thinking clearly, to "arranging" for particular outcomes, etc, that I don't know what to say or do. So, I say nothing to my AH, and I do nothing (like move out, or leave, or fight). And maybe that's the right thing right now. Wish I could tell.
Thank you all for your love, prayers, hugs. I share them back with you!
No explosions on Sunday. Alanon meeting went well on Friday. Worked at writing my thesis all day Sat and Sun, (despite the chaos -- how on earth???) and delivered a chapter this morning to my professor. I didn't know how I'd make that 10 am meeting this morning, but I strolled in at 9:59 -- somehow. It takes me an hour to drive to the university, and it was a beautiful warm sunny day, and I was starting to think of all the things I wanted to say to my AH. Eventually, my heart felt a pinch (physically). I asked God to take the pain away and help me figure out what to do. I saw my breakfast bar sitting on the seat -- the mental lightbulb went on -- and I said outloud "do something good for yourself" and the something was to eat my breakfast. And the physical pain disappeared. Perhaps the psychic pain lessened a bit too.
Of course, on the way home I was thinking (AGAIN) a little too much about what I'd like to say -- all of it couched in AA/Alanon terms. And there's the problem: I can be manipulative and controlling using AA/Alanon terms as much as I could be without using them. Ugh. So, how do I know when I am trying to force an outcome? Because I just want an outcome? What if I want an outcome, but am detached from getting it? I don't think I'm detached yet
, but just thinking theoretically . . . .I'm so used to not thinking clearly, to "arranging" for particular outcomes, etc, that I don't know what to say or do. So, I say nothing to my AH, and I do nothing (like move out, or leave, or fight). And maybe that's the right thing right now. Wish I could tell.
Thank you all for your love, prayers, hugs. I share them back with you!
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
candlelight
good to hear from you, we get a little upset when we hear about being crouched in fear !!!
I just finished writing my notes for my first time speaking tonight, I was scared but think my HP has handled that for me ( for now)
Guess what it is on? "Live and Let Live " !! I know I needed to hear more, its not even exactly what I thought I was going to speak on but its what it turned into ! My HP is so cool.
One Day at a Time pg 215 courage to change pg 92 i think.
If you look up the slogan you will find many more, hope this is helpful to you as it was for me
God Bless your day
liddy
good to hear from you, we get a little upset when we hear about being crouched in fear !!!
I just finished writing my notes for my first time speaking tonight, I was scared but think my HP has handled that for me ( for now)
Guess what it is on? "Live and Let Live " !! I know I needed to hear more, its not even exactly what I thought I was going to speak on but its what it turned into ! My HP is so cool.
One Day at a Time pg 215 courage to change pg 92 i think.
If you look up the slogan you will find many more, hope this is helpful to you as it was for me
God Bless your day
liddy
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hey Candlelight.
First... pshew! I was ready to overnight you a hockey mask.
Next... smokie has been awake for about 3 days now and had to read your 3rd paragraph 3 times.
re: wanting an outcome but being detached from getting it... I think that's what we call hope. Nothing wrong with that. Now I am going to need a nap before I tackle any more. LOL
Hugs,
Smoke
First... pshew! I was ready to overnight you a hockey mask.
Next... smokie has been awake for about 3 days now and had to read your 3rd paragraph 3 times.
re: wanting an outcome but being detached from getting it... I think that's what we call hope. Nothing wrong with that. Now I am going to need a nap before I tackle any more. LOL
Hugs,
Smoke
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 444
((((Candlelight)))))))
I am so glad you made it through another weekend--they sure can be a bummer!
When I read your other post, as I said, that was where I was 2 years ago. I could have written that same thing--as I was filled with the same kind of fear. My A has never hit me either--but I would believe he could, when he's drunk. Thankfully, right now he's trying to quit. (What a grouch!
)
That fear can be debilitating! I believe a lot of my fear was reliving what my Alcoholic father did to me. So much of what we learned as children is played out in our role as an adult. You would probably benefit from reading the posts on the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum. I'm learning new things everyday.
As you said--do something really nice for yourself! You deserve it.
I posted a few scary posts when I first came here, and all these wonderful caring folks helped me to see the abuse as it really was! Really scared the heck out of me--but I know I needed it. Sometimes looking at it from another's perspective can really help.
Hugs,
Lyn
When I read your other post, as I said, that was where I was 2 years ago. I could have written that same thing--as I was filled with the same kind of fear. My A has never hit me either--but I would believe he could, when he's drunk. Thankfully, right now he's trying to quit. (What a grouch!
)That fear can be debilitating! I believe a lot of my fear was reliving what my Alcoholic father did to me. So much of what we learned as children is played out in our role as an adult. You would probably benefit from reading the posts on the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum. I'm learning new things everyday.
As you said--do something really nice for yourself! You deserve it.
I posted a few scary posts when I first came here, and all these wonderful caring folks helped me to see the abuse as it really was! Really scared the heck out of me--but I know I needed it. Sometimes looking at it from another's perspective can really help.
Hugs,
Lyn
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Candlelight,
What you said about "so I say nothing and do nothing" is just fine. If you are not sure, don't so anything. Right now you are reoranizing your thoughts. If you do or say...you may change your mind. That is not good either. One of my guidleines is if I am not sure then don't. Another is to not do anything that might cause me regret.
You scared us to death!!
JT
What you said about "so I say nothing and do nothing" is just fine. If you are not sure, don't so anything. Right now you are reoranizing your thoughts. If you do or say...you may change your mind. That is not good either. One of my guidleines is if I am not sure then don't. Another is to not do anything that might cause me regret.
You scared us to death!!
JT
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