Debra-Ann

My husband used to go to marriage counseling with me and every week he would tell the therapist how he could be a better husband by not drinking he just had to set his mind to it. And every week we would go back and he saw through conversing with the therapist that every week he binged, at least once a week, from the time we got married this past Oct. he would pull an all nighter somewhere (usually his brothers house). Then he broke his ankle one night and had no idea, he went to the hospital the next day only to find out that indeed his ankle was broken and severley enough to need surgery. I told his family I wouldnt take him home after the operation. If my husbands brother could be so accomadating let him take care of him. Needless to say I took him home and he stopped going to therapy but did admit he had a problem. He called a local rehab to find a therapist there. He made several calls all of which I was witness to and the rehab called back each time leaving a message on our home phone saying there was an insurance issue which I had taken care of prior to the first phone call. It took them 3 weeks to call him to tell him they would see him and in that time he convinced himself that he could handle the drinking that it wasnt a problem. He isnt a mean drunk, he doesnt hit me or yell unless I yell at him first and even then he usually just sits and stares at me. When I first met him he never drank and he doesnt drink in front of me now only on a rare occassion will he open a beer in front of me and if he does its because he started before I got home and he's on a roll . Ultimately I just feel sad . I am so lonely for him. I miss him. I miss who he used to be and how we used to be together. I miss how I used to be. I have turned into somebody that I dont recognize, and I am angry. I am so angry with him and myself. The other night when he was drunk I told him I hated him, I screamed it at the top of my lungs. How can I be lonely for him and love him and be so angry and hateful towards him? I wish I could just pick an emotion and just stick with it.

liddy

(((Debra ann)))
sometimes we have an alcoholic that just sits and gets drunk,
my daughter is that kind , she is quiet and reserved, she would get drunk then pass out. I was the one doing the crazy dance
and yelling, crying and screaming.
That's how I ended up in alanon, hit my bottom, couldnt take any more of what i was seeing. That was 13 mths ago , they saved my life and I am one grateful person today.
Take care of yourself, and keep visiting here, this is my refuge between meetings.
Hugs
liddy

tiredbusymom

Debra Ann,

You just have to keep moving forward. As I read these boards, I discover that everyone of us has a million emotions going on at the same time. I know from experience that this can make you feel crazy. You aren't. I also have come to the conclusion that the most functional households are full of these same emotions. You don't have to pick just one. You just need to learn to balance them.

Tired Mom

Rainy

Debra Ann,

What you are feeling is normal! I remember screaming at my H dozens of times how I hated him for the man he had become because of his addiction. I now know that I don't hate him at all, I love him dearly, but I hate his addiction, and that's OK.

Now, the choice you need to make is to get help for yourself, go to Alanon, keep reading msgs. on here, I find so much encouragement from reading others msgs when I am feeling down or like I don't want to do this anymore and just want it all to go away.

My H would tell me ALL the time how he knew his drinking was the cause of a lot of our problems, and I believe now that he was sincere when he said that. Your H probably means it too, he just hasn't reached the point yet where he is WILLING to do something about it.

Just remember that you can't change him, he has to make that choice, the only thing you can do is work on your recovery and quite possibly when he sees changes in you, it will motivate him to seek his own recovery.

((hugs))