recreating childhood
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 405
recreating childhood
Wondering what your thoughts were - do you think we are looking for parent-love which we did or did not get as children?
Do you think we create our childhood relationships/issues?
Do you think we create our childhood relationships/issues?
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Per the books it says we do but I don't like what the books say.
It says we marry our mother/father (or the vision of what we hoped they were)
In many ways I see the goodness that my mother had in my wife but my wife has more goodness then my mother ever had.
I see some of her codie behavior in my wife as well but I do not see her horrid behaviors in my wife at all. All in all, the codie behavior of them both seems to be the only real part that is the same. I would attribute my seeking out such a person as my own need of being alcoholic...not because I am looking to mirror who I wished my mom was.
It says we marry our mother/father (or the vision of what we hoped they were)
In many ways I see the goodness that my mother had in my wife but my wife has more goodness then my mother ever had.
I see some of her codie behavior in my wife as well but I do not see her horrid behaviors in my wife at all. All in all, the codie behavior of them both seems to be the only real part that is the same. I would attribute my seeking out such a person as my own need of being alcoholic...not because I am looking to mirror who I wished my mom was.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Until we address the past, understand it, accept it, forgive it, I personally believe we're doomed to keep repeating it in our relationships. At least that was my experience.
I no longer date my father, no longer have a poverty mentality, and no longer panic when I don't get the attention I didn't get as a child. To get here, I had to deal with it all on many levels, identify my patterns, and forcibly fix them. It started with taking 100% responsibility for my choices now (rather than blaming them all on then).
So I'd agree with you, myself.
I no longer date my father, no longer have a poverty mentality, and no longer panic when I don't get the attention I didn't get as a child. To get here, I had to deal with it all on many levels, identify my patterns, and forcibly fix them. It started with taking 100% responsibility for my choices now (rather than blaming them all on then).
So I'd agree with you, myself.
Unconditional love
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Mi
Posts: 84
You are right "GiveLove". We have to understand our childhood and accept are parents for who they are.
I am no longer with the man that shows no emotions and now have a man in my life that knows how to cry and show emotions and I am the one that had to realize thats thats ok for him to do. He is a normal man.
Its called working on yourself. Give it a try!
I am no longer with the man that shows no emotions and now have a man in my life that knows how to cry and show emotions and I am the one that had to realize thats thats ok for him to do. He is a normal man.
Its called working on yourself. Give it a try!
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
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The best book I ever read on this subject is called "Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix. It was suggested by my therapist when my husband and I were trying to reconcile. He also has one called "Keeping the Love You Find" for single/dating people. His theory is that not only do we recreate, to some extent, the relationships we had as children, but that if we recognize and work on these issues in the context of our current relationships, there is great opportunity to heal. There are also exercises in the book to help you indentify and work through your issues.
L
L
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Originally Posted by gns 
Givelove how did you get over the panic and need for attention? Can you tell me a little more about that?
I'm not even sure that there was one thing I did, or didn't do. It was long growth process of finding something.....I don't know......"bigger" to focus my attention on.
I'm one of those weird people that thinks we're all dropped here on earth for a reason. I had to take some time and hunt around and find out what that reason might be for me -- what I want to do with this tiny blip of life I've been given to spend here. I talked to coaches, read books about finding your true work in the world, started paying attention to the things -- besides other people's opinions of me -- that really gave me that deep jolt of joy.
Mind you, I'm not done hunting yet, but I do realize now that it's something way, way bigger than just making sure that everybody (especially a man) likes me and wants to hang out with me. Kinda helps to puncture any weird "oh my god they haven't called" scenario.....when you have something bigger you want to get done before you die.
That's just me, gns. I think it's much easier for me than for someone who believes that their entire reason for being here is to be someone's wife, someone's mom. That's a perfectly valid life too, don't get me wrong, I admire them and wish they'd been MY mom....it just makes it harder to detach from somebody else's behavior if that's your mission in life.
As for me, I realize that if someone chooses not to be with me, it's not the end of my world, it's just their choice --- and on good-ego hair days, their loss!!
I think I crossed over into rambling here
I'll stop.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
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P.S. Something anvil said hit home too --
At first, when I tried to become better about this, I would act out these feelings and realize the next day that I'd been scratching for attention.
After a while working on this, I found that I'd realize within the hour what I'd done.
After some more practice, soon it was, I'd realize it as soon as something had left my mouth.
It's a big victory day when you can stop yourself before you do something by saying, "what is your motive here? What are you trying to get him/her to do? We are NOT going to do this today, kiddo. We have more pride than that."
Seems like you have those days already, gns. You just need to keep practicing, and find some joys that don't revolve around what anybody thinks of you...but you.
At first, when I tried to become better about this, I would act out these feelings and realize the next day that I'd been scratching for attention.
After a while working on this, I found that I'd realize within the hour what I'd done.
After some more practice, soon it was, I'd realize it as soon as something had left my mouth.
It's a big victory day when you can stop yourself before you do something by saying, "what is your motive here? What are you trying to get him/her to do? We are NOT going to do this today, kiddo. We have more pride than that."
Seems like you have those days already, gns. You just need to keep practicing, and find some joys that don't revolve around what anybody thinks of you...but you.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 196
My parents have been married for almost 39 years. My recovering alcoholic husband's parents have been married for over 40 years. Both of us have very loving parents. We love to say--My parents are the best parents in the whole world, and then the other will say --no, my parents are the best parents in the whole world.
My mother worked for 2 years as a teacher and then she was basically supported by my father who is a veterinarian. She stayed at home when we were really young. But later she was a receptionist for my father at his veterinary clinic. I remember debating my mother as a teenager on why she could not be more independent of my father --have her own career.
My husband's mother was supported by his father. His father was in the military. His mother was a stay at home mother. His mother's family had issues with substance abuse and alcoholism--her brothers--my husband's uncles.
I have my own career in the travel industry. My husband has been unemployed since last June (we were married 4 months at the time). When I met him, he had a job, and it was easy for us to commute with each other to downtown Seattle. But now it has different between us since he lost his job (it is like there was not a balance).
I think I was expecting my marriage to be like my mothers, but I would just be more independent with my own career.
I have really had to focus more on humility and God. My dreams of having a family, taking time off from work in order to have a child, and pursue other goals such as travel and vacations are very much put on hold at this point since my husband is in a recovery program, and he still does not have a job.
My mother worked for 2 years as a teacher and then she was basically supported by my father who is a veterinarian. She stayed at home when we were really young. But later she was a receptionist for my father at his veterinary clinic. I remember debating my mother as a teenager on why she could not be more independent of my father --have her own career.
My husband's mother was supported by his father. His father was in the military. His mother was a stay at home mother. His mother's family had issues with substance abuse and alcoholism--her brothers--my husband's uncles.
I have my own career in the travel industry. My husband has been unemployed since last June (we were married 4 months at the time). When I met him, he had a job, and it was easy for us to commute with each other to downtown Seattle. But now it has different between us since he lost his job (it is like there was not a balance).
I think I was expecting my marriage to be like my mothers, but I would just be more independent with my own career.
I have really had to focus more on humility and God. My dreams of having a family, taking time off from work in order to have a child, and pursue other goals such as travel and vacations are very much put on hold at this point since my husband is in a recovery program, and he still does not have a job.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 25
As a kid, I was being groomed to take care of my parents. They never asked for help, their drunkeness simply required it. I had to be the emotional shoulder to cry on for my mother, as well as take care of her physically when she was passed out. I never had an emotional connection with my dad, but had to live with his disappointment in me and my disappointment in him. He was so helpless, I learned to not even try to take care of him, even though I was forced to take care of his house, his yard, his belongings, etc.
So in all of my relationships up until recovery, I looked for weak women, women I could rescue, women I could take care of, women I could inspire. Even walking down the street, at a party, or some social event, I was only attracted to women who appeared helpless, vulnerable; basically women who looked like they could use some rescuing, even if they didn't need it.
Recovery has opened my eyes more than I ever imagined in this area. Going through recovery has brought out not only my inner-strength, but it has caused me to be attracted to those with great inner-strength. I notice myself being attracted to women who work out, who eat right, who go to school, who have healthy hobbies, who know what they want, who strive for the best in life etc, etc. I used to find those types superficial, maybe even conceited. I used to think that passiveness and uninspired were strong qualities in women because they were qualities I could help change in them, but now I see it's a whole lot easier for the relationship and my own emotions to be attracted to women who already possess strength and vigor.
So in all of my relationships up until recovery, I looked for weak women, women I could rescue, women I could take care of, women I could inspire. Even walking down the street, at a party, or some social event, I was only attracted to women who appeared helpless, vulnerable; basically women who looked like they could use some rescuing, even if they didn't need it.
Recovery has opened my eyes more than I ever imagined in this area. Going through recovery has brought out not only my inner-strength, but it has caused me to be attracted to those with great inner-strength. I notice myself being attracted to women who work out, who eat right, who go to school, who have healthy hobbies, who know what they want, who strive for the best in life etc, etc. I used to find those types superficial, maybe even conceited. I used to think that passiveness and uninspired were strong qualities in women because they were qualities I could help change in them, but now I see it's a whole lot easier for the relationship and my own emotions to be attracted to women who already possess strength and vigor.
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
My therapist once told me that in an attempt to resolve childhood issues, we find ways to bring the same issues, and role-playing into our lives as adults in order to resolve them. Until we resolve them, we keep reeling them inside.
I think this goes along with the notion that until we are "whole" beings, we try to find those who fill any void we have. I want a whole person, and I know today that I have to be "Whole" to do it
I think this goes along with the notion that until we are "whole" beings, we try to find those who fill any void we have. I want a whole person, and I know today that I have to be "Whole" to do it
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 36
Thanks for sharing those stories. I've been wondering about this myself.
I know my AH has issues regarding his childhood, his self-esteem, self-worth. I hope he finds out if this plays a part in his disease.
One thing I can say for certain is that throughout our marriage he's been afraid to stand up for himself to his mother and she has done some terrible things throughout the years but here's the catch - she lures with money. Whenever something is not right, she thinks she can fix it and all will be forgiven with money. We fell into this trap thinking "ok, she's not ever going to change. Maybe she really does care for us and this is the only way she knows how to show it." WRONG! Because every time it has come back to bite us hard. We're constantly reminded how much we've been given, how much we owe. As far as I'm concerned, if someone gives you a gift it's yours.
When I called a family meeting as part of an intervention, she thought she could fix things with money AGAIN. She didn't listen to the real problem. This woman is even sicker than he is. Through therapy, I know it will all come out and he will have to deal with it but he's held so many things in for so long. You can't possibly go through life like that without it leaving an imprint.
Just curious if anyone has read Bad Childhood - Good Life by Laura Schlesinger.
I know my AH has issues regarding his childhood, his self-esteem, self-worth. I hope he finds out if this plays a part in his disease.
One thing I can say for certain is that throughout our marriage he's been afraid to stand up for himself to his mother and she has done some terrible things throughout the years but here's the catch - she lures with money. Whenever something is not right, she thinks she can fix it and all will be forgiven with money. We fell into this trap thinking "ok, she's not ever going to change. Maybe she really does care for us and this is the only way she knows how to show it." WRONG! Because every time it has come back to bite us hard. We're constantly reminded how much we've been given, how much we owe. As far as I'm concerned, if someone gives you a gift it's yours.
When I called a family meeting as part of an intervention, she thought she could fix things with money AGAIN. She didn't listen to the real problem. This woman is even sicker than he is. Through therapy, I know it will all come out and he will have to deal with it but he's held so many things in for so long. You can't possibly go through life like that without it leaving an imprint.
Just curious if anyone has read Bad Childhood - Good Life by Laura Schlesinger.
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