Mskattie

I have not been coming to this forum for a few months. Ashamed to say this, but I think everything was going to be okay when my ex decided to get clean, we got back together, and I stopped coming here. And, 5 months later, here I am again on this forum with an identical situation and same emotions, hurt, sad, angry, and depressed. My ex left me, again.

He left me after I opposed to his idea of leaving his sober living home to share an apartment with another (questionablely "ex")addict. We were planning to move in together when he finishes 6 months at sober recovery home. But, instead, he decided to leave and move in with his friend, one month shy from our plan to move in together. He continues to say he is sober and clean going into 6 months, but my gut feeling is telling me he is about to start using if he hasn't already. This time, I don't even feel like I need a proof if he is using or not.

Here I am again, same pain, same anger, and same despair. All my hopes are again crashed. It is always wonderful while it lasted, it is almost like he is trying to make up for the time he was unavailable. He hooks me. But the end is always the same, I end up feeling hurt and betrayed. He goes through the cycle of using, detoxing, rehabing, then using again, with eveytime there is always a promise saying he won't do it anymore, and we will be happily ever after. I don't know how long I have to go through this cycle to "learn my lesson". This time it will be different, this time he is getting it, this time he is changed.... I don't want to find myself being old still wishing this time he will change.

Thank you for listening.

ICU

Welcome back Mskattie. Sorry for all of the pain an dissapointment you are feeling right now.

It takes however long it takes for each of us to learn our lessons. But, there are things one can do to work towards being ready for that lesson...and that begins by working on changing 'ourselves'.

Have you have picked up a copy of the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie? Have you attended any Al/Naranon meetings?

In addition to the above, keep coming back, reading through the threads and the stickies at the top, and keep asking questions!

Again, welcome back!

tryingtoheal

There is no need to be ashamed, Mskattie. There is no shame in hope and trust of another; the only shame should be had by those that take advantage of your trust and hope.

Welcome back. Just another lesson in life...maybe this time around you can better ward off those hooks! I'm sorry you have to deal with this again. Hopefully we can all learn some things from you and you from us. I need to learn a lot, too!! Still hurting from my mistakes, being banged up emotionally because I am an idiot and can't take advice that is right on, taking hooks, clinging to hopes that crushes me more and more each time, etc.!!

shakarris

welcome back .. I am sorry for your pain. You have to start to worry about you. I know it is hard when the feeling that you had was it was all going to be ok.... if it is going to be thay way, it will but you will be the healthier you - if you start. I am new to this but everyday I learn to be stronger, wiser, and dodge those hooks

Keep strong - you are not alone
shakarris

Rella927

Welcome MsKatte back to our family! The door is always open- sorry that you are going through this again.

I must say DITTO from above-

The book suggested is a great one! I have it in my night stand and it is a great reminder of how wonderful life is now! Al-Anon and SR have been my two greatest cheerleaders-it is in these two places I can be the person I was always meant to be-and with these places in my life I have learned tools to cope and deal with life today the way it was meant for me to live years ago-with peace and serenity.

I do hope that you consider some of the above-It is worth discovering who we are to come to a better way of living life-Be gentle with yourself, because you are worth it-it is ok to take steps back as long as we are aware of doing so then take those steps forward to a brighter way of life.

Keep posting and check out the stickies there are other great book suggestions there too!

FormerDoormat

He is not only using booze and or drugs. He is using YOU. And you are allowing it. Perhaps a good place to start is figuring out why you allow this cycle to continue.

I hope you'll stick around for a while this time. Assuming that there is a quick fix to alcoholism has led to the downfall/relapse of many codependent partners.

Growing

I agree with FDM....

I know I need to learn from you guys.

Hang in there and keep working it!

denny57

Welcome back, Mskattie.

Take the alcohol out of it. The plan was the two of you would move in together after a certain time frame, after certain actions. That didn't happen; not for the first time. Making excuses based on the fact someone is an alcoholic got me nowhere.

Good luck in your journey - it can be very rewarding.

Spiritual Seeker

You are expecting something from him he is not able to give. You keep going to an empty well.
We can't partner with someone as we "wish them to be" What you see is what you get.
Sorry to say but He is wise to break off with you. The relationship is not healthy for you,
If he really is working on recovery- then that is where his efforts should be and he should not be in a relationship until he has lots of recovery time.
If he is using he is not available. Either way, it seems he is taking the best action.
Figure out what is the best action in your own life to get yourself to a place to choose partners that are available. I know this is a painful time...but this will pass
Take your own inventory and get busy.

Mskattie

I wanted to thank you for everyone for support, it's great to have a lot of people understand what I am going through.

Yes,I think I have allowed him to use me for too long. I think I always had hoped that things will be different this time if I stick around a little longer. I really can't tell why I decided to do this for years when I could walk away when out divorce was done(we were married, then divorced, back again kind of things...). May be a fear, a fear of being alone, or it is kind of strange to say, but I felt like I put so much effort and energy in this relationship already that I felt "it had to work out somehow". I held on to "good memories" in our relationship even though these good memories are becoming less and less now days. I am definitely returning to Alanon meetings in this area, fortunately we have a lot of meetings in So California.

Mskattie

Denny, I was not sure what you mean by making excuse based on someone is alcoholic. But, I can definitely say I have made some excuses or reasonings for his bad behaviors, which resulted me in allowing myself to stay with him. But, I know for sure, Alcoholism and Drug Use were major factors in out relationship going down hill in last few years. I guess I came to the point where I don't care too much if he is using or not. I just can't tolerate what he has been doing to me. I feel like I deserve more.

denny57

Hi Mskattie - that's exactly what I meant. I personally kept saying things (to myself mostly) that he wouldn't do this or that if he wasn't drinking. It took me awhile to understand it didn't matter - I also deserved more.

Good luck to you. I also feel blessed and grateful that we have so many meetings to choose from here in SoCal.

Mskattie

I'm sorry I think I posted the same thing twice and I don't know how to delete!

Mskattie

You are expecting something from him he is not able to give. You keep going to an empty well.
We can't partner with someone as we "wish them to be" What you see is what you get.

This is so true. I have been going an empty well expecting a miracle.

Sorry to say but He is wise to break off with you. The relationship is not healthy for you,
If he really is working on recovery- then that is where his efforts should be and he should not be in a relationship until he has lots of recovery time.
If he is using he is not available. Either way, it seems he is taking the best action.
Figure out what is the best action in your own life to get yourself to a place to choose partners that are available. I know this is a painful time...but this will pass
Take your own inventory and get busy.

The relationship is not clearly healthy for me. But, I don't think he is being wise, I strongly feel his choice to break it off is mainly based on his desire to be able to use. The reason why he chose to live with his friend was because he was desperate to leave the recovery home. I was firm about him not moving in with me until 6 month and he did not like that. He said living with a bunch of addicts in a recovery home will put him in danger of using, so I should let him move in sooner (he though I would but that) . He also got kicked out of an outpatient program a few weeks ago, but he insists that he did not get kicked out, it was a mutual decision in which staff thought he did not need "recovery" anymore (...!).

Anyway, you're right, I do need to stop staying with someone who is not available or only available when it is convinient to him. But, starting all over again is a depressing feeling. I feel alone.

denny57

I did 90 in 75 - try to go to as meetings as possible. The results were so worth it for me.

((()))

LaTeeDa

You could choose to look at it that way, or you could choose to look at it as an incredible opportunity to remake your life they way you want it to be without the dead weight of another's problems holding you back.

L

NYC_Chick

Hi MsKattie,

I just started reading all these threads yesterday after my break-up. I can really relate to what you are saying. I went to therapy last night to try to begin the process of letting him go. He hid his alcoholism from me for 3 years. The night I thought we were getting engaged, he told me about it. It's been 6 months of hell with him insisting that while he is an alcoholic, he is a different kind of alcoholic that can have 2 drinks if out with friends, never drinking alone (he used to drink a pint of whiskey each night alone) and he can't have alcohol in the house. His bottom line was that I could either accept that or he would end it, all while telling me I am the love of his life. His life is about "balance" now, because he's so much healthier than me, he can handle it.

It's so painful, but I went to alanon this weekend and have held on to something someone said. She is an adult child of an alcoholic, like me, and said that growing up in her house, she took whatever her alcoholic father gave her. Essentially crumbs. She never got an entire cake because he gave his attention to his addiction. She grew up believeing all she could ever ask or hope for were crumbs. I think I did too. In looking back, I didn't get anything else from this relationship, even before I really knew why.

I lost over a substance. When you're not addicted yourself that is hard to understand. I feel worthless, but I hope that I will heal in time.

Hope you feel better soon. I'm glad I read your post and I'm not alone in this.

tryingtoheal

Thanks for sharing the story about the crumbs. That is a great analogy, and I really need little reminders as simple as that to keep my head clear concerning all of the relationships in my life!