Wascally Wabbit

I'm back. Todays recovery rant is about mom's request to find her adequate housing. She lives in GA. I live in SC.
She is living with my cousin, her nephew, and her sister who is OLD and not doing well.
To make a long story short, mom constantly says how she can't take living there any more. "Please find me a good apartment for seniors."
She moved out of the last one because she claimed it smelled bad. I couldn't smell anything.
Right now she is sleeping in a living room with no privacy.

Ok, so I do all the searching and she changes her mind.
Two months later she's wanting to buy a house. Problem is, she wants me to live with her. (Gulp!)
On and off with this for the last year.
Well, last week, she came down to go look for a place to live. She was dead serious. Near tears claiming she just couldn't live with her sister like that because it was too much work caring for the sis, and the nephew had screaming tantrums.

I showed her around, viewed senior living apts, and even took a ride with a real estate agent looking for homes to buy. I did all this freaking work only to have her go back home and tell me she changed her mind. (again)
She always finds something wrong with every single place.

The bottom line is she does not want to live alone. She is 75. That's why she stays where she is.
I have a granddaughter and DIL living wtih me. Mom sees this and thinks I will just toss them out for her to come live with me. She thinks that I am doing too much for them. She doesn't imagine that she herself would be a pain in the butt for me. She complains about the very same thing every single day twenty times a day. I know what she is really wanting is for me to live with her and wait on her hand and foot.

I told her that DIL and Gd stay with me as long as is necessary for DIL to finish school. I told her that I want a safe environment for both of them to live, and that helping your children out when they are trying is what families do.

I think this kinda got to her. She was the hateful alcoholic who didnt' sober up till us kids didn't want anything to do with her any more. My sis refuses to speak to her, and has ended any relationship with her to this day. Mom quit drinking in 1980 after 13 years of hardcore drinking.

I didn't resume a relationship with her for almost 20 years. She never remarried after my dad died in 1969. She was 34.

I really am rambling here.

What I have realized is that it is OK not to bend to her every wish, that I have a life too, and if she can't accept that, then she can stay where she is and live in misery. It's really her choice, not mine.

grateful2b

Wascally, I am so glad you've got her number...reminds me of my mum. Thanks for sharing , good job on standing firm........

Growing

This is where I'm at Wabbit, glad you are here with me although I wish we weren't having to deal with this.

I called mom to thank her for a gift she sent, she was rude, rushed me off the phone with an obviously lame excuse. I am her daughter and I know she just didn't want to talk to me.

Got me thinking, if she has no problem telling me to get lost....then why should I sweat telling her I don't want her to visit right now? She has no problem setting boundaries with me, why should I sweat setting boundaries with her? A true lightbulb moment for me.

Good for you setting that boundary with your mom and choosing to take care of the kids who are trying.

If you can do it....I feel like there is hope for me.

Wascally Wabbit

It took me a life time to reach this point. When it finally came, I slapped myself on the forehead and asked myself why I didn't do this sooner.
It's awful how our mothers seem to think of us as doormats they can walk all over with out one thought to our feelings or our needs.
This why we just have to stop allowing it, and stand up for ourselves. If we don't we will surely go crazy.

Growing

I am right there with you sister!