What would you do about this situation?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: NJ
Posts: 66
What would you do about this situation?
My 19 year old sister left detox (many of you already read my posts) about 12 days ago - she's been sleeping with abf on the streets or on his porch because his parents won't let her in. HIS parents will always let him in, he's 30 years old. His parents have been calling my parents saying "aren't you going to pick her up? They are sleeping on the porch, she needs to go home." My mom keeps telling them to call the police and let her find her own way out of there. They would never call the police on their son, so they keep calling my parents. My parents have gone out twice in the past week looking for her -- the first time she begged them for $20 when they found her so they left. The 2nd time they came to abf house and found her sleeping on the porch. My father said, "you are going to get arrested, we reported the theft." My mom said, "you can come with us now and we'll take you to the hospital and detox or rehab otherwise you are going to get arrested". She said, "no, not today. I am going to go to the hospital but not today." So they left her there -- much to the surprise and anger of abf's parents.
Last night my sister calls my mom and said, "can you take me to the hospital?" My mom was mad about the two failed attempts - and said I think you can find your own way there. My sister says "are you going to turn your back on me when I want help". Basically my mom said to call her back in an hour she'd think about it. She did plan to get her but guess what? Sister never called back
Today abf's parents called again saying that they let them in for awhile because it was so cold and they were crying to come in. They convinced my mom to come and get her. When my mom gets there my sister asks to be taken to get her Coach purse back ($350 coach purse she got for Christmas after 2 months clean - from my mom and I, yes I know stupid!) that it is $40 and she has the money from panhandling! My mom agrees but sister says abf has to come too because she doesn't know the guy or where it is. My mom takes abf too about 20 minutes from his house. He comes out and said the guy kept their $40 and wants $45 more for it. My mom says "too bad". Something doesn't add up, I bet this was a drug stop and little did my mom know she'd be picking them up and taking them to get their fix. Then they ask her to stop at McDonalds so they (yes both of them!) can go to the bathroom. My mom calls me and I tell her that they are in there using. They are taking quite a while so my mom goes in and my sister is in the stall and of course objects to my moms questions - she says I'm sick, of course I'm not using! My mom takes abf home. My sister calls detox and they will take her tomorrow. My dad doesn't want her in the house. My mom asks me what is she supposed to do with her. I said I don't know! My sister calls me a few minutes later and asks if she can sleep at my house in the basement. I said no, she said okay and hung up (unemotional).
I felt terrible, but I would have to turn my house into fort knox first, I'd have to watch her every minute and I have 2 children - one is 8 and will know if she is freaking out or acting weird. I really don't want him to know my sister is on drugs! Did I do the right thing? What the heck do you do if you don't want them in the house but still want to encourage them to be clean? How can my mom tell her kid to get out of the car and "find" a place to sleep? I think my mom should take her in their basement and sleep there with her until she can get in detox tomorrow. I have no idea what is right or wrong. I would let her come here if I didn't have kids. Uggh! I feel so bad for my parents right now - they are going through hell and honestly I'm not sure if she really wants to be clean. She could just be coming home to look for stuff to take or just for "show". She didn't seem like she wanted this at all.
Last night my sister calls my mom and said, "can you take me to the hospital?" My mom was mad about the two failed attempts - and said I think you can find your own way there. My sister says "are you going to turn your back on me when I want help". Basically my mom said to call her back in an hour she'd think about it. She did plan to get her but guess what? Sister never called back
Today abf's parents called again saying that they let them in for awhile because it was so cold and they were crying to come in. They convinced my mom to come and get her. When my mom gets there my sister asks to be taken to get her Coach purse back ($350 coach purse she got for Christmas after 2 months clean - from my mom and I, yes I know stupid!) that it is $40 and she has the money from panhandling! My mom agrees but sister says abf has to come too because she doesn't know the guy or where it is. My mom takes abf too about 20 minutes from his house. He comes out and said the guy kept their $40 and wants $45 more for it. My mom says "too bad". Something doesn't add up, I bet this was a drug stop and little did my mom know she'd be picking them up and taking them to get their fix. Then they ask her to stop at McDonalds so they (yes both of them!) can go to the bathroom. My mom calls me and I tell her that they are in there using. They are taking quite a while so my mom goes in and my sister is in the stall and of course objects to my moms questions - she says I'm sick, of course I'm not using! My mom takes abf home. My sister calls detox and they will take her tomorrow. My dad doesn't want her in the house. My mom asks me what is she supposed to do with her. I said I don't know! My sister calls me a few minutes later and asks if she can sleep at my house in the basement. I said no, she said okay and hung up (unemotional).
I felt terrible, but I would have to turn my house into fort knox first, I'd have to watch her every minute and I have 2 children - one is 8 and will know if she is freaking out or acting weird. I really don't want him to know my sister is on drugs! Did I do the right thing? What the heck do you do if you don't want them in the house but still want to encourage them to be clean? How can my mom tell her kid to get out of the car and "find" a place to sleep? I think my mom should take her in their basement and sleep there with her until she can get in detox tomorrow. I have no idea what is right or wrong. I would let her come here if I didn't have kids. Uggh! I feel so bad for my parents right now - they are going through hell and honestly I'm not sure if she really wants to be clean. She could just be coming home to look for stuff to take or just for "show". She didn't seem like she wanted this at all.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Sweetie, nothing changes if nothing changes.
The only thing that helped me was meetings...they literally saved my life. Maybe a family visit to a few would be a good start.
Nobody is going to save your sister, only she can do that...and frankly, I have serious doubts whether she will go to detox tomorrow, my experience tells me that was all a ploy. I pray I am wrong, but maybe hiding the valuables might be a good idea.
The good news is that you can all help yourselves. "Her" problem is destroying your family, each one of you are feeling the effects of addiction, and like I said, the best antidote I know is to start hitting the meetings and finding a better way to live. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Hugs and prayers for all of you.
The only thing that helped me was meetings...they literally saved my life. Maybe a family visit to a few would be a good start.
Nobody is going to save your sister, only she can do that...and frankly, I have serious doubts whether she will go to detox tomorrow, my experience tells me that was all a ploy. I pray I am wrong, but maybe hiding the valuables might be a good idea.
The good news is that you can all help yourselves. "Her" problem is destroying your family, each one of you are feeling the effects of addiction, and like I said, the best antidote I know is to start hitting the meetings and finding a better way to live. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Hugs and prayers for all of you.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Concerned Sis,
You're getting a front row seat to the drama that is an addict's life. Your sister doesn't sound like she's ready for detox or treatment or sobriety. And your parents can spend all the money in the world to get her there, and if she isn't ready it probably won't "take".
The best thing you can do is practice detachment. I had a mantra for awhile that I had to repeat over and over to my son: "I love you so much. You're so smart and I KNOW you're going to find your way." He heard that a lot, and he heard the always famous Al Anon "oh" which can be said about 10 different ways. (try it, you'll see!) That was about all I said, too.
Hugs. I know how hard this is. You're doing the best you can do for your own children - they don't need to have a seat at this drama...
Hugs
Cats
You're getting a front row seat to the drama that is an addict's life. Your sister doesn't sound like she's ready for detox or treatment or sobriety. And your parents can spend all the money in the world to get her there, and if she isn't ready it probably won't "take".
The best thing you can do is practice detachment. I had a mantra for awhile that I had to repeat over and over to my son: "I love you so much. You're so smart and I KNOW you're going to find your way." He heard that a lot, and he heard the always famous Al Anon "oh" which can be said about 10 different ways. (try it, you'll see!) That was about all I said, too.
Hugs. I know how hard this is. You're doing the best you can do for your own children - they don't need to have a seat at this drama...
Hugs
Cats
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Cleveland, Ohio
Posts: 138
I wouldn't let them in. She very likely would try to steal something, as she has in the past. If she really wants to get to detox, it will be more likely that she would go if she had to spend another night on the streets as opposed to having a somewhat comfy place to stay. But I do agree with Ann and Cats, it doesn't sound like she is planning to get into any kind of treatment.
Take care of yourselves. You guys should all have a fun family night or something where you make an effort not to talk about your sister and her problems. Play board games and order pizza or something. Maybe take a family trip to a meeting like Ann suggested.
I think the best thing to do, in my opinion, would be to stop engaging her. The guy who usually leads the meetings at the family group I go to has a great visual analogy. He starts throwing a ball back and forth with someone. The other person represents the addict and he represents the family member. He sits there and tells the "addict" that he is tired of playing, that he doesn't want to play anymore, that he wants to stop...he gets "angry" saying he "hates them", he doesn't want to play. But he keeps throwing the ball back to the "addict." His point is, if he doesn't want to continue playing anymore, he can just put the ball down. The addict will continue engaging and trying all sorts of new tricks to get you to keep throwing the ball back, but you are the only one who can make the choice to stop engaging them and stop playing their game.
Another guy in our group has made his boundary to not talk to his son when he is using. He will return text messages to his son and say that he loves him, but that's it. He will not talk to him if he is active in his addiction. Which can't be easy, I bet.
Anyways, that's just my two cents. You guys need to do something fun for yourselves!
, Vanessa
Take care of yourselves. You guys should all have a fun family night or something where you make an effort not to talk about your sister and her problems. Play board games and order pizza or something. Maybe take a family trip to a meeting like Ann suggested.
I think the best thing to do, in my opinion, would be to stop engaging her. The guy who usually leads the meetings at the family group I go to has a great visual analogy. He starts throwing a ball back and forth with someone. The other person represents the addict and he represents the family member. He sits there and tells the "addict" that he is tired of playing, that he doesn't want to play anymore, that he wants to stop...he gets "angry" saying he "hates them", he doesn't want to play. But he keeps throwing the ball back to the "addict." His point is, if he doesn't want to continue playing anymore, he can just put the ball down. The addict will continue engaging and trying all sorts of new tricks to get you to keep throwing the ball back, but you are the only one who can make the choice to stop engaging them and stop playing their game.
Another guy in our group has made his boundary to not talk to his son when he is using. He will return text messages to his son and say that he loves him, but that's it. He will not talk to him if he is active in his addiction. Which can't be easy, I bet.
Anyways, that's just my two cents. You guys need to do something fun for yourselves!
, Vanessa
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: NJ
Posts: 66
Originally Posted by VanessaLee13 
I wouldn't let them in. She very likely would try to steal something, as she has in the past. If she really wants to get to detox, it will be more likely that she would go if she had to spend another night on the streets as opposed to having a somewhat comfy place to stay. But I do agree with Ann and Cats, it doesn't sound like she is planning to get into any kind of treatment.
Take care of yourselves. You guys should all have a fun family night or something where you make an effort not to talk about your sister and her problems. Play board games and order pizza or something. Maybe take a family trip to a meeting like Ann suggested.
I think the best thing to do, in my opinion, would be to stop engaging her. The guy who usually leads the meetings at the family group I go to has a great visual analogy. He starts throwing a ball back and forth with someone. The other person represents the addict and he represents the family member. He sits there and tells the "addict" that he is tired of playing, that he doesn't want to play anymore, that he wants to stop...he gets "angry" saying he "hates them", he doesn't want to play. But he keeps throwing the ball back to the "addict." His point is, if he doesn't want to continue playing anymore, he can just put the ball down. The addict will continue engaging and trying all sorts of new tricks to get you to keep throwing the ball back, but you are the only one who can make the choice to stop engaging them and stop playing their game.
Another guy in our group has made his boundary to not talk to his son when he is using. He will return text messages to his son and say that he loves him, but that's it. He will not talk to him if he is active in his addiction. Which can't be easy, I bet.
Anyways, that's just my two cents. You guys need to do something fun for yourselves!
, Vanessa
Take care of yourselves. You guys should all have a fun family night or something where you make an effort not to talk about your sister and her problems. Play board games and order pizza or something. Maybe take a family trip to a meeting like Ann suggested.
I think the best thing to do, in my opinion, would be to stop engaging her. The guy who usually leads the meetings at the family group I go to has a great visual analogy. He starts throwing a ball back and forth with someone. The other person represents the addict and he represents the family member. He sits there and tells the "addict" that he is tired of playing, that he doesn't want to play anymore, that he wants to stop...he gets "angry" saying he "hates them", he doesn't want to play. But he keeps throwing the ball back to the "addict." His point is, if he doesn't want to continue playing anymore, he can just put the ball down. The addict will continue engaging and trying all sorts of new tricks to get you to keep throwing the ball back, but you are the only one who can make the choice to stop engaging them and stop playing their game.
Another guy in our group has made his boundary to not talk to his son when he is using. He will return text messages to his son and say that he loves him, but that's it. He will not talk to him if he is active in his addiction. Which can't be easy, I bet.
Anyways, that's just my two cents. You guys need to do something fun for yourselves!
, VanessaIt's winter, it's 20 degrees. I can't imagine not giving your family member a place to sleep.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Cleveland, Ohio
Posts: 138
Originally Posted by concernedsister
I've done these nights with my sister before When she's clean she's another person and I love her to death. I've had fun, preached, talked, listened, etc. it has never worked. It's true that you have to stop enabling, we all know that, but when your child or sister is calling or knocking on your door - with no car or friends in sight and you live in the suburbs, how do you just say go away. She doesn't have a dime, a cell phone, a friend, etc. You can't even get to a store by us without driving 10 minutes. There are no shelters, etc.
It's winter, it's 20 degrees. I can't imagine not giving your family member a place to sleep.
It's winter, it's 20 degrees. I can't imagine not giving your family member a place to sleep.
I have never had to make the decision to turn a family member away (although I did tell my RABF that if he relapsed and stole money from me again, I would have no problem changing the locks and kicking him out of our place....we rent from his dad, and I know his dad would support me in that!
), so I can't speak from personal experience. The best I can say is maybe to find a homeless shelter or a woman's shelter and offer to drop her off there. A couple people in my family group have done that with their children.Vanessa
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: phoenix arizona
Posts: 741
I know it's hard!! I'm the sister, too. Nothing we (family) have done to try to help my sister has been successful. It's when we stopped enabling that she started to find her own way. Her path is a lot longer and worn than we would like, but time will tell.
If she's serious about getting help, she is the only one that can do it.
Letting go is the hardest thing to do, but might just be the thing that saves her life and your own.
If she's serious about getting help, she is the only one that can do it.
Letting go is the hardest thing to do, but might just be the thing that saves her life and your own.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Nearby
Posts: 231
You asked what to do.....I'd let my 8 year old know what's going on. Maybe not the gory details, but as much as an 8 year old can understand. Unless you live on the grounds of a convent and maybe even if you do someone is most likely going to offer your child drugs sometime within the next 4 years. Addiction/alcoholism are family diseases and imo one of the few defenses we have is knowledge.
That elephant in the living room that no one ever talks about is how the next generation gets sucked into the abyss.
As to your sister, it's harsh but I think your Mom should put her out. As long as a user has a comfortable landing, there will be little incentive to quit using.
Hugs and prayers for your entire family.
That elephant in the living room that no one ever talks about is how the next generation gets sucked into the abyss.
As to your sister, it's harsh but I think your Mom should put her out. As long as a user has a comfortable landing, there will be little incentive to quit using.
Hugs and prayers for your entire family.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: NJ
Posts: 66
Originally Posted by Easeful
You asked what to do.....I'd let my 8 year old know what's going on. Maybe not the gory details, but as much as an 8 year old can understand. Unless you live on the grounds of a convent and maybe even if you do someone is most likely going to offer your child drugs sometime within the next 4 years. Addiction/alcoholism are family diseases and imo one of the few defenses we have is knowledge.
That elephant in the living room that no one ever talks about is how the next generation gets sucked into the abyss.
As to your sister, it's harsh but I think your Mom should put her out. As long as a user has a comfortable landing, there will be little incentive to quit using.
Hugs and prayers for your entire family.
That elephant in the living room that no one ever talks about is how the next generation gets sucked into the abyss.
As to your sister, it's harsh but I think your Mom should put her out. As long as a user has a comfortable landing, there will be little incentive to quit using.
Hugs and prayers for your entire family.
As for my sister, today my mom was taking her to detox. let's pray it works this time.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 456
Yes, I have to agree with "Miss Pink"... Good job! As much as it hurts, I would not let her in. (Easier said then done)
May your backbone stay strong through this....
May your backbone stay strong through this....
Originally Posted by Miss Pink
Good going, girl!
You did not enable, which means you did not feed her DISEASE!
Thats the beginning. Enforcing boundaries works!!
You did not enable, which means you did not feed her DISEASE!
Thats the beginning. Enforcing boundaries works!!
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
((((((((Concernedsister))))))))
Praying your sister goes to rehab and your mom can detach from all the
drama. McDonalds restroom? My son's been there, done that.
I pray your mom can stop allowing herself to be sucked in. This is seriously going to take a toll on her and her mental health. It's so hard. I know. I've
been there before. Give her a hug from me.
Linda
Praying your sister goes to rehab and your mom can detach from all the
drama. McDonalds restroom? My son's been there, done that.
I pray your mom can stop allowing herself to be sucked in. This is seriously going to take a toll on her and her mental health. It's so hard. I know. I've
been there before. Give her a hug from me.
Linda
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: NJ
Posts: 66
She didn't go today, they couldn't take her until tomorrow nd she ran because she had to get high today. She said she'll be back tonight and she is definitely going tomorrow, I guess we'll see!
One question I have, is it actually possible to shoot up in a bathroom at a restaurant? Isn't the stuff they buy powder and they have to melt it somehow? Do they just mix it with water?
One question I have, is it actually possible to shoot up in a bathroom at a restaurant? Isn't the stuff they buy powder and they have to melt it somehow? Do they just mix it with water?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
Hey Concerned ----
"...One question I have, is it actually possible to shoot up in a bathroom at a restaurant? Isn't the stuff they buy powder and they have to melt it somehow? Do they just mix it with water?.."
Well....without going into gory details, I will say that when I was active in my addiction I shot up in bathrooms....of restaurants, of grocery stores, of gas stations, of bars, of departments stores, of my work place,,,,,,just anywhere. The melting(?)/mixing with water?....it's always available in bathrooms....and if not....heck, where there's a will there's a way).... Sooooooo, I guess the simple answer to your question is a resounding.....YES.
To go a wee bit off target on this post....I'm seeing something in your posts regarding your sister....I get the feeling she doesn't want to get well....She always seems to have an excuse as to why she can't go (to detox or rehab or wherever).....it always seem to be tomorrow......just thought I'd say this so you don't get your hopes up too high only to perhaps have them dashed to the ground......
I didn't get clean till it was my time.......regardless of any of the folks who were trying to help me.......sorry if this brings you down; definitely not my intention.....
NoelleR
P.S. ....and regarding the children?....I have to agree with Easeful....you don't have to make your sister out to be anything more than who she is - someone in trouble/sick ..... In my 60+ years on this earth, one thing I have learned is that we don't give kids enough credit; they deserve the truth --- age appropriate truth, at least. One other thing I've learned about kids, in this same vein, is that they really don't like being lied to (or not informed of the truth of a situation) 'for their protection.' --- in fact, they really, REALLY don't like it......just a word to the wise, here.....something to think about..... (o:
"...One question I have, is it actually possible to shoot up in a bathroom at a restaurant? Isn't the stuff they buy powder and they have to melt it somehow? Do they just mix it with water?.."
Well....without going into gory details, I will say that when I was active in my addiction I shot up in bathrooms....of restaurants, of grocery stores, of gas stations, of bars, of departments stores, of my work place,,,,,,just anywhere. The melting(?)/mixing with water?....it's always available in bathrooms....and if not....heck, where there's a will there's a way).... Sooooooo, I guess the simple answer to your question is a resounding.....YES.
To go a wee bit off target on this post....I'm seeing something in your posts regarding your sister....I get the feeling she doesn't want to get well....She always seems to have an excuse as to why she can't go (to detox or rehab or wherever).....it always seem to be tomorrow......just thought I'd say this so you don't get your hopes up too high only to perhaps have them dashed to the ground......
I didn't get clean till it was my time.......regardless of any of the folks who were trying to help me.......sorry if this brings you down; definitely not my intention.....
NoelleR
P.S. ....and regarding the children?....I have to agree with Easeful....you don't have to make your sister out to be anything more than who she is - someone in trouble/sick ..... In my 60+ years on this earth, one thing I have learned is that we don't give kids enough credit; they deserve the truth --- age appropriate truth, at least. One other thing I've learned about kids, in this same vein, is that they really don't like being lied to (or not informed of the truth of a situation) 'for their protection.' --- in fact, they really, REALLY don't like it......just a word to the wise, here.....something to think about..... (o:
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
I'm with Noelle on what she said about kids being told the truth. If he is not allowed to know this he will figure it out for himself most likely and he may know more than he's telling you already. It is my opinion the even the youngest baby knows when things are different. You want your children to trust you and lies even when you are trying to protect him are lies all the same. Children are not unaware by a long shot. You want him to be able to trust himself in a bad situation and your denial to him can turn into his addiction . Addiction grows in the darkness shed some light on this with your son.
As for your sister goes I know you hate her being on the street. Your mom is the one who seems to be the most vulnerable to your sister's drama and I totally believe she needs help (your mom). Your sister knows she can suck your mom into her stuff.
I thought they were going to call the cops on her for stealing their credit cards??? It's probably not too late to bring charges on her. With any luck no one would get her out of jail and she might sit there and actually wake up. If some one does get her out if you play your cards right you can keep her out of your hair by putting a restraining order for your mom and yourself and call the cops every time she violates it with one of you. She might actually get straightened out if you stop letting her control all of you.
The person who keeps calling ya'll is not your sister it is her addiction calling all the shots. She's playing the old and I mean very old game of "I'll go to detox tomorrow" so she can come in out of the cold. Maybe if it gets cold enough even she might decide she would rather be warm in detox. I know it hurts real bad to try and deal with her and doing what does not enable her seems cruel but she has a cruel master right now that only she can decide to stop. be gentle with yourself and tell mom I said so too
(((((((((BIGHuGs))))))))))))))))))
As for your sister goes I know you hate her being on the street. Your mom is the one who seems to be the most vulnerable to your sister's drama and I totally believe she needs help (your mom). Your sister knows she can suck your mom into her stuff.
I thought they were going to call the cops on her for stealing their credit cards??? It's probably not too late to bring charges on her. With any luck no one would get her out of jail and she might sit there and actually wake up. If some one does get her out if you play your cards right you can keep her out of your hair by putting a restraining order for your mom and yourself and call the cops every time she violates it with one of you. She might actually get straightened out if you stop letting her control all of you.
The person who keeps calling ya'll is not your sister it is her addiction calling all the shots. She's playing the old and I mean very old game of "I'll go to detox tomorrow" so she can come in out of the cold. Maybe if it gets cold enough even she might decide she would rather be warm in detox. I know it hurts real bad to try and deal with her and doing what does not enable her seems cruel but she has a cruel master right now that only she can decide to stop. be gentle with yourself and tell mom I said so too
(((((((((BIGHuGs))))))))))))))))))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: NJ
Posts: 66
Actually my sister had the detox on speakerphone today - they didn't have a bed. She is home with my mom and going tomorrow. I just hope it works this time.
I'll tell my son if I have to, but she's never at my house when she's using (so she hasn't been here for months), so we don't live with it and I just don't see the reason to make him aware of it now - what purpose would that serve? I only brought the kids into this topic because my sister called asking to spend the night at my house (first time ever that she called and asked) and I didn't think it was a good idea to have her freaking out in my house when my kids don't know about her problems and have school the next day. I will certainly tell my kids (at least my older one) when I need to, but what purpose would it serve now? To make an example out of her (bad example)? He's not asking any questions and she's not anywhere around us.
My parents did not press charges, they just reported it to the credit card company. They tried pressing charges once before and just got the run around from the local police department (acting like there was really nothing they could do because it was their child, etc.).
My mom could probably benefit from some help - a meeting or something, but I can't force her into it. She's really against it right now. Maybe that will change, I don't know!
I guess we take this day by day at this point. Maybe she'll take off from detox again, maybe she'll run away in the middle of the night. All we can do is hope and pray that she wants to be clean this time.
I'll tell my son if I have to, but she's never at my house when she's using (so she hasn't been here for months), so we don't live with it and I just don't see the reason to make him aware of it now - what purpose would that serve? I only brought the kids into this topic because my sister called asking to spend the night at my house (first time ever that she called and asked) and I didn't think it was a good idea to have her freaking out in my house when my kids don't know about her problems and have school the next day. I will certainly tell my kids (at least my older one) when I need to, but what purpose would it serve now? To make an example out of her (bad example)? He's not asking any questions and she's not anywhere around us.
My parents did not press charges, they just reported it to the credit card company. They tried pressing charges once before and just got the run around from the local police department (acting like there was really nothing they could do because it was their child, etc.).
My mom could probably benefit from some help - a meeting or something, but I can't force her into it. She's really against it right now. Maybe that will change, I don't know!
I guess we take this day by day at this point. Maybe she'll take off from detox again, maybe she'll run away in the middle of the night. All we can do is hope and pray that she wants to be clean this time.
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>I'll tell my son if I have to, but she's never at my house when she's using (so she hasn't been here for months), so we don't live with it and I just don't see the reason to make him aware of it now - what purpose would that serve? <
The reason I wish it had been done in my family is......there was this enormous elephant in the living room. No one every talked about it, but everyone had their lives affected by it. The biggest effects on the younger children were:
1. They came to understand this behavior as normal. ie my favorite relative who loves me more than anything on earth didn't come to my birthday party (or tuck me in, or come see me when I was in the hospital, fill in the blanks). Yet, I'm told constantly how much this person loves me. Pretty easy to see this person loves something more than me, but we can't talk about it. So I as a child learn to accept this behavior as normal and acceptable and love.
2. Alcoholism and addiction are family diseases. You can study them all day long in books and classrooms, but if you're a child in a family predisposed to alcohol or drug abuse you need more than book "learnin", you need the truth. And you need it as early as possible. BTW, in my experience it doesn't prevent their own experimentation and/or addiction but it does give them the information they need to seek help sooner.
3. Children know when things are "off." But they don't always have the experience to understand why or what, so they're likely to invent the reasons based on what they do know, themselves. Something like, "Mommie is angry all the time, it must be cause I'm not good enough. I'll try harder." Which sounds like a really good thing, except that's one way abused wives are born.
Just my experience, I pray that your family's will be better.
The reason I wish it had been done in my family is......there was this enormous elephant in the living room. No one every talked about it, but everyone had their lives affected by it. The biggest effects on the younger children were:
1. They came to understand this behavior as normal. ie my favorite relative who loves me more than anything on earth didn't come to my birthday party (or tuck me in, or come see me when I was in the hospital, fill in the blanks). Yet, I'm told constantly how much this person loves me. Pretty easy to see this person loves something more than me, but we can't talk about it. So I as a child learn to accept this behavior as normal and acceptable and love.
2. Alcoholism and addiction are family diseases. You can study them all day long in books and classrooms, but if you're a child in a family predisposed to alcohol or drug abuse you need more than book "learnin", you need the truth. And you need it as early as possible. BTW, in my experience it doesn't prevent their own experimentation and/or addiction but it does give them the information they need to seek help sooner.
3. Children know when things are "off." But they don't always have the experience to understand why or what, so they're likely to invent the reasons based on what they do know, themselves. Something like, "Mommie is angry all the time, it must be cause I'm not good enough. I'll try harder." Which sounds like a really good thing, except that's one way abused wives are born.
Just my experience, I pray that your family's will be better.
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