Feeling Lost

Old 02-05-2008, 01:49 PM
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Feeling Lost

Just found this site.

My Story

When I met my wife she had 7 years of sobriety. She was honest with me about her history of alcoholism. I had no real prior experience with alcholism or addiction. I thought with 7 years of sobriety there was no reason not expect her to remain sober... and even if she did fall at some future point... she had already demonstrated that she could recover and stay sober. We got
married and she got pregnant shortly after. About 6 months after our son was born, she started drinking again.

Our son is now 5. She has been drinking off and on ever since. At times she recovers and is able to stay sober for a few months but invariably she will crash and start drinking again. This cycle has repeated itself so many times that I honestly have difficulty recalling how much of the last 4-1/2 years she has been sober and how much she has been drunk. She is also very good at hiding her drinking.... I continualy question myself whether she is drinking or not.... I want very much to believe that she isn't, but she has lied so many times that my trust is completely gone.... sometimes I actualy do think that I believe she is drinking when she is not....just because I have become so used to being disapointed.

She knows that her Alcholism is a problem and (I believe) earnestly did try treatments at certain points (AA and counsling) particularly early in her relapse... although at other times she seems to have given up on them or only "played" at trying them. The treatments have met with mixed success.... I think they do help to some degree, but have often not stopped her from
drinking.... although sometimes they have also given her a few months of sobriety.

Her problem is compounded by the fact that she takes perscription Xanax for anxiety. She has developed an addiction to this as well...she over-takes her perscribed dose... then she either runs out early and compensates by drinking or finds ways to get more. Her psychiatrist is little better then a pusher, he knows what she is doing... yet continues to supply her with Xanax. One
time she even went to the emergency room....and I called him and told him exactly what was going on...and he had nothing to say and continues to write her perscriptions. Xanax and alcohol have a dangerous interaction I've been told by others.

The one thing she hasn't tried yet, is an in-patient program (i.e. 28 days). That is how she recovered in the past and gotten her 7 years of sobriety. She says she doesn't want to be parted from our son for so long. He is only 5 years old and he has mild autisim. To me this sounds like simply an excuse not to do it....although I do believe that in her mind the emotion is real.

I am at the end of my rope. I feel lost and don't know what to do. I really, really do love my wife.... and I don't want to be divorced from her.... but lately I've also begun to think about what a relief it would be to be free from this cycle of misery. I think I would have already called it quits if it were not for our son.... he loves both his parents so much and I don't want to give him a broken home... I also know that if I did call it quits, I could not leave him with my wife.... she is a great mom when she is sober, but when she is drinking she just isn't capable of taking care of him...and it is not safe to leave him with her alone. I also know that it would kill her to take him away from her... he is her life. That weighs on me heavly

If she had been drinking every day for the past 4 years, the decision would have been easy... but the periods of recovery have given me hope....perhaps false hope. Every time I keep thinking it will be the time it sticks....and so far every time I have been disapointed. I just don't know what to do anymore. I just don't know how many more chances to give her. Every time I do and it
fails, I feel like a fool for having given it one more try. Lately I have been thinking alot about divorce....I've told my wife too.

Her last period of recovery was in the spring...and it was a really good one, it lasted all summer and into the fall. I think she had a couple of "incidents" where she did drink during that period....but they were isolated...one day and then nothing.... it's tough to remember accurately ..... I know that sounds crazy, but it's difficult for me to remember exactly how many of those
incidents there were.....but I do know she went through some very stressfull things during that period and was sober...things that I expected would cause her to drink but she didn't.... If our life could be like that period, I think I could be happy.... but in the fall she crashed again.... it's been getting really bad lately. She has been out of control and it seems like she's given up even trying to get treatment.

The other day I gave her an ultimatum that I would divorce her and sue for custody of our child if she didn't get serious about treatment. She said that she knew she couldn't continue and agreed to get treatment...even in patient treatment. She even went to an AA meeting. However in the past she has agreed to treatment....and then backed out or found ways to put it off. It's so easy to give in to her too. I don't know what to do. Do I give her one more shot? (How many times before have I said that to myself). How do you know when enough is enough?



Mel
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Old 02-05-2008, 02:34 PM
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Mel welcome to SR im so sorry to hear of your troubles. Firstly you need to get help for yourself, Alanon and help is here in SR. It will make you stronger and you need to be strong for your son. You ask "when do you know when enough is enough"? I think you already know the answer to that question.

I posted here read lots of books "under the influence" and "codependant no more" it gave me the knowledge that i needed to survive, and helped me make the right choices for me and my kids. alcoholics will stop when they want to, not when you ask them to, sadly some never do stop drinking. You have to ask yourself how many more years do i waste, is it fair on me and my son.

My heart bleeds for you Mel. I am very glad you found SR this could be the start of your recovery. Take care.

Mair x
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Old 02-05-2008, 02:46 PM
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You will know when enough is enough. That point is different for all of us but we do all recognize it when we reach it.

Try AlAnon or individual therapy. Therapy did wonders for me. Try figuring out what you want from life and what you want for your son. That is likely to tell you what you want to do .
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Old 02-05-2008, 03:22 PM
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I don't know what you are going through. My A's were my parents. But what about some type of seperation? You don't have to get divorced, but maybe you need a serene environment to work on yourself, one that doesn't have an active alcoholic in it...your own private space. Only you know if this is right for you. Maybe you could make a list of what your choices are...pros and cons...you do have choices...you are not trapped with no choices...that is the first thing we learn in alanon. I would also suggest alanon and/or some type of counseling to help you with those choices.
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Old 02-05-2008, 03:37 PM
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Please read the post on here from Darkness Falls 'Was Angry/Hurt...At First' or something like that...

I do hope you and your wife can work through this, I really do. I just hope that the cycle doesn't continue much longer, especially with a child involved. Trust yourself, always.

My thoughts are with you during this time. Please stick around and let us know how things are going.
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Old 02-05-2008, 05:30 PM
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Hi Mel and welcome to SR.

It's interesting that you say your AW's excuse for not going to re-hab is because she can't bear to be parted from your son. What is her drinking doing to him? And, you worry about destroying your AW's world in the event of a divorce because your son is, as you put it, "her life". Well that isn't quite true....alcohol is your AW's life and everything else comes second to that.

I feel for the children in these situations. I worry about the examples that are being set and the quality of care they are receiving and more so in your situation, Mel, as your son has special needs. Once he begins formal schooling, the school is going to be wanting to work WITH both parents.

Mel, don't beat yourself up. Read here, ask questions, go to Alanon and make informed decisions as to what is best for you and your son. You can control you, your son really only has you and you have no control over your W's disease. I'd be careful about giving ultimatums unless you are seriously going to follow through...otherwise the A knows you weren't really serious and the cycle continues.

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Old 02-05-2008, 05:37 PM
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dear mel, it is good you are reaching for insight and input. dealing with addiction in isolation pretty much fails.

on reading your story, i see a husband who loves his wife, a child who needs his family together, and an addict who knows she is an addict and who knows recovery but just isn't able this time to get back to it.

IMO, it sounds like a good situation for a professional intervention. that 's what i would suggest you look into, before you pursue divorce. she sounds like an ideal candidate for 30 or 60 day inpatient treatment because she has the motivation, beneath the addiction, to be a wife and mother. but she needs to get there.

with an intervention, she will be given a clear choice. what she then chooses will make things crystal clear for you and you will know then how to proceed for yourself.

do get support for your own emotional illness from living with an addict, mel. you deserve to feel better. a men's al-anon group could be a big help to you.

all the best, especially to your dear little boy.
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Old 02-05-2008, 07:37 PM
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Welcome to SR - I am sorry that you find yourself here. Please read and share as you feel you can - you will find much wisdom here.

I am new here myself and have recently made the decision to leave. My A is not ready to quit drinking and my son and I have been through enough. To be honest even if he came to me and said ok I am ready to quit - I still would be leaving, I love him very much but I love my son and myself more.

You asked when do you know when enough is enough.... you will just know.

Again welcome,

shakarris
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Old 02-05-2008, 08:05 PM
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Mel, welcome to SR. I think you have taken a great step by reaching out for help as you are among people that understand. I am so sorry for the anguish you are going through and I know how hard it is to make a decision. I realized in my situation I lost myself. I am working hard on finding me and becoming self-centered for the first time in my life because what good am I to my kids if I am upset, depressed, and obsessing about the alcoholic?

This part of your post struck me:

I think I would have already called it quits if it were not for our son.... he loves both his parents so much and I don't want to give him a broken home... I also know that if I did call it quits, I could not leave him with my wife.... she is a great mom when she is sober, but when she is drinking she just isn't capable of taking care of him...and it is not safe to leave him with her alone.

As gently as I can say this, your son already has a broken home. The good news is he has YOU! You will find your way, find your strength, and find serenity. Please keep coming back.
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Old 02-05-2008, 08:55 PM
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Originally Posted by GrumpyMel View Post
The one thing she hasn't tried yet, is an in-patient program (i.e. 28 days). That is how she recovered in the past and gotten her 7 years of sobriety. She says she doesn't want to be parted from our son for so long. He is only 5 years old and he has mild autisim. To me this sounds like simply an excuse not to do it....although I do believe that in her mind the emotion is real.
I agree that this is just an excuse. It would be better to miss just 28 days of his life, instead of years. Alcoholics often rationalize and justify continuing with their addiction. "Yeah, but..."

Originally Posted by GrumpyMel View Post
The other day I gave her an ultimatum that I would divorce her and sue for custody of our child if she didn't get serious about treatment... I don't know what to do.
Sounds to me like you know exactly what to do. Be careful about ultimatums, however. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. This is crucial. Otherwise, she will continue to stall any attempt at recovery, knowing that you will always forgive and give in. Keep your boundaries firm.
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Old 02-06-2008, 12:56 AM
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Shakarris made this comment (and many others have, as well, in response to similar questions; it might just be one of the most often asked, yet hardest to answer for ourselves when it comes to actually making that hard decision) to your question: You asked when do you know when enough is enough.... you will just know.

Based on the facts that you are here seeking advice, you recognize the cycle of your wife's on-again-off-again drinking issues, and that you are asking the right questions...well, I'd say you are getting very near your answer. Be sure to listen to yourself, both your heart and your head. I like the advice about the intervention. It can't hurt to try...and that will surly help you get closer to knowing when 'enough' is reached for you and your boy, as stated so wonderfully by BlueJay6. Peace.
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Old 02-06-2008, 08:32 AM
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I agree with the others...the fact that you can't leave "your child alone with her...this seems to be the crux of the problem."

Yes, your son has already lost his mom to alcoholism. You have lost your wife.

Find a special-needs child care provider and try alanon. You will need a great child-care provider as you move into the coming weeks and figure out what to do for you and your child.
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Old 02-06-2008, 11:18 AM
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Thank you all for your responses. Reading the stories on this site has been a tremendous eye opener. I am amazed at how closely I can relate to some of the other stories posted on the site. I read some of the other posts here and I keep saying to myself that is exactly what is happening to me. I thought after 4-1/2 years of living with this sitaution I had a pretty good handle on what was going on.... but I learned ALOT just by a little reading here.

I had been going for a few weeks to a counsler.... and that helped some....but not nearly as much as just reading some of the stories of other people here. I'm beggining to realize that I've had so much of myself vested in my wife's behavior.... in her success or failure with drinking that I let myself be dragged down into her insanity.

I've always known that you can't control other peoples behavior.... yet I was still trying to control hers all along... even though I knew it was futile...I was still trying it....I couldn't stop myself.

I guess when you love some one it's incredibly difficult not to invest your own happiness in thier behavior....and not to try to control them when you see them harming themselves. Even if you know better...knowing it and doing it are two different things.

One thing I really didn't realize was that by engaging her when she was drunk that I was playing into her sickness. I had been doing that all along without realizing it.

I think, and please feel free to offer advice......as I'm very new to alot of the information here...... that I'm going to work on multiple tracks. I'm going to do this stuff a little at a time.....doesn't need to be all done at once......and some stuff will probably take time....but as long as I'm making some headway all the time it'll be good.

1) I'm going to work on putting together the resources to get my wife into an inpatient program. Some-one mentioned "proffesional intervention"....I'm going to need to learn more what that entails and who I can goto for assistance with that.

I know that I can't make my wife do anything..... but I can put everything together for her and do all the footwork, lay all the resources out before her..... so the only thing she needs to do is make the CHOICE to do it or not.


2) I'm going to work on a plan for what happens if she doesn't choose to make a genuine effort at recovery. I'm going to start keeping a journal so that I can look back and get some sort of objective measure as to what is happening. I've also decided that I'm going to talk to a divorce lawyer. I PRAY that I won't have to go that route. However, I want to be prepaired for what I might have to do (getting my son and myself out of the unhealthy situation) if things don't go the way I hope. Also I feel if I don't take some action on that front it will be too easy to fall back into accepting the status quo.

3) I'm going to work on finding some peace for myself and my son while we are in the midst of this situation. I'm going to try to detach from the insanity that rules my wifes world right now. I'm going to try not to engage with her while she is drinking. I'm going to try not to invest my own sense of self-worth in the choices she makes. I'm going to find some happiness for my son and me. This weekend I think I'm going to spend the whole weekend doing fun Father-Son activities..... something that'll get us out of the house. He needs a break from this... and so do I.

I don't know when/if my wife will make the choice to live without alcohol...I pray that it is soon. I know that for my son and my self.....that choice is now. I hope to do that with her....but we'll do it without if neccesary


Mel
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Old 02-06-2008, 01:04 PM
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Mel -The journey is long and not easy, no matter the direction. You've been there and can see that. Admist your concern and care for your wife, the focus should be on you and your son. You can offer her lots of "outs and help" but that isn't going to make her internally want anything different. All the research in the world and all the groundwork you can do is a crutch for her to lean on with a possible promise. She has to desire the new life and no matter how much love we have for the A in our life, that's one thing over which we have no control - and it hurts.

It was hard to accept the advise I was given but each day I'm finding that it is bringing me a bit more peace when dealing with the A in my life. The focus is "What are YOU doing to make sure that YOU are healthy?" I applaud the fact that you're looking at a father-son weekend. What about Mel time? Working out (the Y has great programs for kids that could be at the same time)...dinner with friends...a walk after your son goes to bed...or other ideas that YOU enjoy. In that, you'll be able to deal with the things put before you in a much better manner. I doubted but have found that leaving/time away from the A doesn't mean you care or love them less, it's giving yourself permission to love yourself more and be healthy. What a great gift to offer your son. He'll see his dad a little less stressed (even if it's only outwardly) and he'll admire that.

Keep talking and keep seeking. You're heart is in the right place...
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Old 02-06-2008, 02:06 PM
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Mel - you've gotten some great advice and done some great thinking about your plan! Please be sure that if you lay out a boundry, stick to it! I hope that all goes well and that your boundries 'wake up' the wonderful wife and mother that sleeps inside the alcoholic who has taken over her body. Be strong...for all three of you!

Also, I am not sure if you have cable or DirectTV or something, but there is a show called 'Intervention' that you can watch that may give you a general idea how a professional intervention works. Sort of a reality show that follows the people planning it, the user thinks they are filming a show on addiction, and then they 'spring' the intervention on the user. It's on AMC, I think...anyone can chime in if they know. Thanks!!
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Old 02-06-2008, 05:25 PM
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Sending my prayers of hope your way Mel.
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Old 02-06-2008, 05:42 PM
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Mel, my story is similar as far as periods of sobriety and wondering whether my AH is drinking or not. It's maddening and consumes you until it's just about all you think about. It has been helpful for me to do things like what you are planning to do. For me, that meant fixing my will so he wouldn't have control of the $$ if I died, setting up a solo bank acct and credit and some other things, just kind of paving the way for a separation if it should become necessary (and I guess it did since I'm by myself for now). That thing about not going back once you set a boundary is so important and so tough to stick to! But you really are hurting her if you set a boundary and then waffle on it. I found this out the hard way! I just wish all the best for you - man, it's tough, but we will all get through it, somehow, some way.
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