Role-players needed...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Richmond, Indiana
Posts: 3
Role-players needed...
I am the oldest son of two alcoholic parents. I am in college and doing it without either of their support.
In my english comp. class I chose to write about the roles children in alcoholic families play. Through web research I have discovered that there are four common roles. The "responsible child" or "hero", the "adjuster", the "acting-out child" or "scapegoat", and the "placater."
I am looking for anyone who can give me information on this topic, whether it be through personal experience or another source.
Please help, the paper is due on the 18th. I play the role of the "responsible child." What role do you play?
In my english comp. class I chose to write about the roles children in alcoholic families play. Through web research I have discovered that there are four common roles. The "responsible child" or "hero", the "adjuster", the "acting-out child" or "scapegoat", and the "placater."
I am looking for anyone who can give me information on this topic, whether it be through personal experience or another source.
Please help, the paper is due on the 18th. I play the role of the "responsible child." What role do you play?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Richmond, Indiana
Posts: 3
More information...
Hero: These children try to ensure that the family looks "normal" to the rest of the world. In addition, they often project a personal image of achievement, competence, and responsibility to the outside world. They tend to be academically or professionally very successful. The cost of such success is often denial of their own feelings and a belief that they are "imposters."
Adjuster: In order to cope with the chaos of their families, these children learn to adjust in inappropriate ways. They learn never to expect or to plan anything. They often strive to be invisible and to avoid taking a stand or rocking the boat. As a result, they often come to feel that they are drifting through life and are out of control.
Placater: These children learn early to smooth over potentially upsetting situations in the family. They seem to have an uncanny ability to sense what others are feeling at the expense of their own feelings. They tend to take total responsibility for the emotional care of the family. Because of their experience in this role, they often choose careers as helping professionals, careers which can reinforce their tendencies to ignore their own needs.
Scapegoat: These people are identified as the "family problem." They are likely to get into various kinds of trouble, including drug and alcohol abuse, as a way of expressing their anger at the family. They also function as a sort of pressure valve. When tension builds in the family, the scapegoat will misbehave as a way of relieving pressure while allowing the family to avoid dealing with the drinking problem. Scapegoats tend to be unaware of feelings other than anger.
Compliments of the counseling center of University of Illinois at Champaign-Urbana. <http://www.couns.uiuc.edu/Brochures/adult.htm>
Adjuster: In order to cope with the chaos of their families, these children learn to adjust in inappropriate ways. They learn never to expect or to plan anything. They often strive to be invisible and to avoid taking a stand or rocking the boat. As a result, they often come to feel that they are drifting through life and are out of control.
Placater: These children learn early to smooth over potentially upsetting situations in the family. They seem to have an uncanny ability to sense what others are feeling at the expense of their own feelings. They tend to take total responsibility for the emotional care of the family. Because of their experience in this role, they often choose careers as helping professionals, careers which can reinforce their tendencies to ignore their own needs.
Scapegoat: These people are identified as the "family problem." They are likely to get into various kinds of trouble, including drug and alcohol abuse, as a way of expressing their anger at the family. They also function as a sort of pressure valve. When tension builds in the family, the scapegoat will misbehave as a way of relieving pressure while allowing the family to avoid dealing with the drinking problem. Scapegoats tend to be unaware of feelings other than anger.
Compliments of the counseling center of University of Illinois at Champaign-Urbana. <http://www.couns.uiuc.edu/Brochures/adult.htm>
~Author of My Life~
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Doing what I thought I couldn't....
Posts: 4,796
I was the "responsible one" and like it said under that category to this day I feel like an imposter, like the biggest fake and fraud on the planet, everyone usually thinks I am so together and so good at everything I do. It aggravates me alot and that feels weird because they are only complimenting me, I shouldn't feel rotten about being "strong" but I do, it's like I just want to wake up and be so irresponsible and rebellious, to not care about anything, because to care means I will get so hurt in the end. well, good lick on your research and your paper, glad you're here and hope you're doing okay today!
Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie
Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Placater...My father and my brother had a violent realtionship and I was always trying to fix that. As an adult repeating that behavior with my husband and my son is what sent me into the program. I don't remember beinbg particulary in siteful as a child but certainly as an adult I can smell a storm a mile away. I have joked about my black and white striped shirt and whistle...alway the referee.
Hugs,
JT
Hugs,
JT
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Ohio, US
Posts: 50
Hello
Hey--
I am in the middle of five kids and can see all of these traits represented.
HERO-My eldest sister has always been the "responsible one." She is studying at Fischer College of Business, working 35-40 hours a week, paying for her husband's tuition, and trying to run the entire world while struggling with a disease that makes her extremely tired.
ADJUSTER/PLACATER-Me and my little sis switch roles between adjuster and placater. We both seem to be able to handle anything that comes our way and smoothe over the storms that appear on the horizon. All too often though I feel like I am trying to fix the mistakes that she made while she was trying to fix something. She wants to be a teacher and I am going to be a stay-at-home mom, trying to turn out the "perfect" children. She also occasionally plays the part of the problem child as though she is trying to liven things up, and change the focus.
SCAPEGOAT-My little brother is the scapegoat. He does poorly in school even though he is intelligent, goes through a girlfriend a week, harbors extreme anger, and shows little respect to authoritive figures. He wants to rebel, but doesn't know how.
I don't know if you will find any of this information useful, but I hope so. Good luck with your paper.
--Ångel
I am in the middle of five kids and can see all of these traits represented.
HERO-My eldest sister has always been the "responsible one." She is studying at Fischer College of Business, working 35-40 hours a week, paying for her husband's tuition, and trying to run the entire world while struggling with a disease that makes her extremely tired.
ADJUSTER/PLACATER-Me and my little sis switch roles between adjuster and placater. We both seem to be able to handle anything that comes our way and smoothe over the storms that appear on the horizon. All too often though I feel like I am trying to fix the mistakes that she made while she was trying to fix something. She wants to be a teacher and I am going to be a stay-at-home mom, trying to turn out the "perfect" children. She also occasionally plays the part of the problem child as though she is trying to liven things up, and change the focus.
SCAPEGOAT-My little brother is the scapegoat. He does poorly in school even though he is intelligent, goes through a girlfriend a week, harbors extreme anger, and shows little respect to authoritive figures. He wants to rebel, but doesn't know how.
I don't know if you will find any of this information useful, but I hope so. Good luck with your paper.
--Ångel
Guest
Posts: n/a
I was the adjuster, placater, and scapegoat and fully played each role. The scapegoat role doesn't necessarily mean you did anything wrong either. It just means you are blamed for everything that is wrong and believe me they will find something wrong with you.
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
I was/am the hero/responsible one. In an effort to try to please my parents and win their approval I was the overachiever - did well in school and have a great, successful career. I was also a Miss Goody Two-Shoes - never rebelled or did anything wrong. As a result, I'm a living portrait of the middle-class american dream, my parents love to brag about me, and I do all I can to keep their image of me intact...
I'm also the placater. I cannot stand conflict and today I struggle with trying to keep the peace between my husband and his daughter.
I haven't learned how to detach from these roles yet....
I'm also the placater. I cannot stand conflict and today I struggle with trying to keep the peace between my husband and his daughter.
I haven't learned how to detach from these roles yet....
It is what it is!!!
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Sobriety
Posts: 5,767
Adjuster/placater - that was me!! Never wanting to rock the boat, always trying to make everyone feel better. the youngest of 4 and the others are 7, 9 and 10 years older than me. I was truly the baby of the family and they never let me forget it. But in trying to smooth over everyone elses feelings, i never learned how to feel my own, until I found recovery.
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Jersey City, N.J
Posts: 44
Scapegpat . Sinner Eater Renegade
Hey ! Interesting paper you are working on ! I was definitely the scapegoat.
I don't really like that term . because I feel that the "scapegoat" is also the one who refuses to give in to the family tyranny and coercion to conform, in spite of the punishment - and maintains - or finds ways to maintain their core
authentic self.
I didn't have this awareness it as a child - I was always getting emotionally beaten up for not being like my parents or my brother - the perfect one. I have always been defiant - never believed that just because someone
"told" you - that it was true. I have had issues with anger and rage most of my life.
At this point, my brother is very angry because he gave in so much and now
doesn't seem to have any passion or sense of mission. (In my opinion).
Families have their own oppressive political systems , especially dysfunctional
ones. Tyranny was major in our family. SOMEONE had to fight back !
In some tribal societies, the scapegoat is also referred to as a sin eater - or someone who takes on the sins of the tribe and becomes an outcast.
Very often those people become the shamans, healers, priests and priestesses -
so I guess that's the GOOD part ! Best of luck with your paper !
Blessings - Daria
I don't really like that term . because I feel that the "scapegoat" is also the one who refuses to give in to the family tyranny and coercion to conform, in spite of the punishment - and maintains - or finds ways to maintain their core
authentic self.
I didn't have this awareness it as a child - I was always getting emotionally beaten up for not being like my parents or my brother - the perfect one. I have always been defiant - never believed that just because someone
"told" you - that it was true. I have had issues with anger and rage most of my life.
At this point, my brother is very angry because he gave in so much and now
doesn't seem to have any passion or sense of mission. (In my opinion).
Families have their own oppressive political systems , especially dysfunctional
ones. Tyranny was major in our family. SOMEONE had to fight back !
In some tribal societies, the scapegoat is also referred to as a sin eater - or someone who takes on the sins of the tribe and becomes an outcast.
Very often those people become the shamans, healers, priests and priestesses -
so I guess that's the GOOD part ! Best of luck with your paper !
Blessings - Daria
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Richmond, Indiana
Posts: 3
Thank you....
Wow! I am so impressed with the responses I received. You all have taught me a lot.
I know exactly how you feel 2stop, I couldn't of said it better myself. It is about time 2stop feeling guilty about success...you earned it!
Well JT, it would be nice to have you around. We did not have a designated ref in my family. Each of the three children distinctly plays the other three roles. That left us taking turns at the placater and let's just say that we were never quit sure when to blow the whistle....
Angel,
Your post was very useful. Your experience sheds light on a new idea. I am starting to think that maybe we are forced into these roles, that we do not have a choice. Is the oldest child most always the responsible one?
I wish that I could say that you were wrong Morning Glory. I will never be good enough for them...in their eyes.
Do we ever learn?
Way to go baby!
You bring up a good point Daria, the scapegoat does have something the others do not...a sense of freedom and in some way, control. It sounds like you have gobbled your sins and in the church of alcoholism...you are the authority.
It sounds like I'm preaching, I better stop before I make myself sick. I appreciate the responses and would like them to keep pouring in. Thank you.
I know exactly how you feel 2stop, I couldn't of said it better myself. It is about time 2stop feeling guilty about success...you earned it!
Well JT, it would be nice to have you around. We did not have a designated ref in my family. Each of the three children distinctly plays the other three roles. That left us taking turns at the placater and let's just say that we were never quit sure when to blow the whistle....
Angel,
Your post was very useful. Your experience sheds light on a new idea. I am starting to think that maybe we are forced into these roles, that we do not have a choice. Is the oldest child most always the responsible one?
I wish that I could say that you were wrong Morning Glory. I will never be good enough for them...in their eyes.
Do we ever learn?
Way to go baby!
You bring up a good point Daria, the scapegoat does have something the others do not...a sense of freedom and in some way, control. It sounds like you have gobbled your sins and in the church of alcoholism...you are the authority.
It sounds like I'm preaching, I better stop before I make myself sick. I appreciate the responses and would like them to keep pouring in. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: sarnia ontario
Posts: 128
I too fit into a few of the roles....and they changed throughout the years as each of my siblings left home.
I was the 'star child' to my father. The poet, the musician, the gymnast and the swimmer.....I excelled in everything. I was not responsible as a child for anything practicle, yet everything I did I shone at. I was the 'witty' one, the one who didn't mind losing at games, the one to make a joke when one needed making......or to create a diversion at meal times so others didn't get yelled at.
My sister was the responsible one--the one who made all the dinners, tidied up and stuff like that. I wasn't 'capable' of doing anything practicle when she was around.....like dishes or cooking or stuff. Then she left for college and later the forces. Once she moved away for good, I sort of slid into her role as well.
I became the caretaker plus the other roles. And, then as my brother stopped having contact so much.....I also took on his role as the screw-up. Am not surprised really, when in my 20's I got diagnosed as having an IDD (identity disorder).....I had played too many roles and internalized them all....for too too long.
Healing is sort of slow because I 'still' have all of those roles and they are still sort of separated. Each role holds different memories and they are not so easily exchangable and interchangable. So it goes slowly but am certainly getting there.
I was the 'star child' to my father. The poet, the musician, the gymnast and the swimmer.....I excelled in everything. I was not responsible as a child for anything practicle, yet everything I did I shone at. I was the 'witty' one, the one who didn't mind losing at games, the one to make a joke when one needed making......or to create a diversion at meal times so others didn't get yelled at.
My sister was the responsible one--the one who made all the dinners, tidied up and stuff like that. I wasn't 'capable' of doing anything practicle when she was around.....like dishes or cooking or stuff. Then she left for college and later the forces. Once she moved away for good, I sort of slid into her role as well.
I became the caretaker plus the other roles. And, then as my brother stopped having contact so much.....I also took on his role as the screw-up. Am not surprised really, when in my 20's I got diagnosed as having an IDD (identity disorder).....I had played too many roles and internalized them all....for too too long.
Healing is sort of slow because I 'still' have all of those roles and they are still sort of separated. Each role holds different memories and they are not so easily exchangable and interchangable. So it goes slowly but am certainly getting there.
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