So, I can't help him, but how live with him?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Hong Kong
Posts: 55
So, I can't help him, but how live with him?
Hi everybody!
I know that if they don't choose not to drink, if they don't have the decision, we can't help them.
My AH husband has shown me that this is his choice, he don't want to stop, at least not now.
So, how should I take this answer? How should I live with him like this?
Maybe I am a coward and I don't have the balls to leave him and that's killing me, because I feel so stupid. I don't have to live like this, I don't deserve it but I am still here.
I know that if they don't choose not to drink, if they don't have the decision, we can't help them.
My AH husband has shown me that this is his choice, he don't want to stop, at least not now.
So, how should I take this answer? How should I live with him like this?
Maybe I am a coward and I don't have the balls to leave him and that's killing me, because I feel so stupid. I don't have to live like this, I don't deserve it but I am still here.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Choosing to live with an active A means deciding what you are willing to accept, setting boundaries that are inportant to you and finding your own ways of coping with the madness. What do you want your life to be like going forward?
I chose to leave so I have no answers or suggestions.
Can you attend AlAnon? That could be a great source of support and information for you.
I chose to leave so I have no answers or suggestions.
Can you attend AlAnon? That could be a great source of support and information for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Hong Kong
Posts: 55
Thanks Barbara for your answer.
It seems not to be very easy for me. I live in a town called Changan, it's near Hong Kong and here's no AA or Alanon. I work 10 hours per day and when I come home I get really tired.
Actually my Ah is working, but he starts drinking in the evening till pass out.
So, this the source that is helping me now.
Thanks for posting!
It seems not to be very easy for me. I live in a town called Changan, it's near Hong Kong and here's no AA or Alanon. I work 10 hours per day and when I come home I get really tired.
Actually my Ah is working, but he starts drinking in the evening till pass out.
So, this the source that is helping me now.
Thanks for posting!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Missouri
Posts: 261
luli2979
I am in the same situation right now. I know that many say that I have the choice to leave the abf....which I do but we rent an apartment and I have to live here with him for the next 2 months because financially I don't have the money right now to get my own place....but I am saving and planning.
For right now just focus on you. Go and do the things that you love to do. For me it is working out, going shopping-even if I can't buy anything, going to a bookstore and reading...etc. Anything that possibly gets me out of my home and away from him. It is very hard to do but you have to keep your sanity.
Just the other day I didn't know what I was going to do. I continued to yell and scream at him. That was not working....all it allowed him to do was have a reason to go and drink and a reason to blame the drinking on me because we were fighting. I have not done this in 2 days and it feels nice.
I still want to though....but when I get that feeling to want to yell,scream and plead with him to stop doing this and change your life around I usually remove myself from the situation or I go either type on here and talk with all of you or I write my feelings out in a journal-this really does help.
Just stay calm....I know that it is hard but then at least he can not ever put the blame on you for his problem. I came to realize that I had to stop being all crazy because of soberrecovery. It was not getting me anywhere and it was only driving him to drink more.
Just keep going strong and don't let his problem destroy your happiness and I will do the same....you are not alone.
I am in the same situation right now. I know that many say that I have the choice to leave the abf....which I do but we rent an apartment and I have to live here with him for the next 2 months because financially I don't have the money right now to get my own place....but I am saving and planning.
For right now just focus on you. Go and do the things that you love to do. For me it is working out, going shopping-even if I can't buy anything, going to a bookstore and reading...etc. Anything that possibly gets me out of my home and away from him. It is very hard to do but you have to keep your sanity.
Just the other day I didn't know what I was going to do. I continued to yell and scream at him. That was not working....all it allowed him to do was have a reason to go and drink and a reason to blame the drinking on me because we were fighting. I have not done this in 2 days and it feels nice.
I still want to though....but when I get that feeling to want to yell,scream and plead with him to stop doing this and change your life around I usually remove myself from the situation or I go either type on here and talk with all of you or I write my feelings out in a journal-this really does help.
Just stay calm....I know that it is hard but then at least he can not ever put the blame on you for his problem. I came to realize that I had to stop being all crazy because of soberrecovery. It was not getting me anywhere and it was only driving him to drink more.
Just keep going strong and don't let his problem destroy your happiness and I will do the same....you are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Illinois
Posts: 147
It's a tough decision Luli. For the longest time I maintained hope that my AW would see the light and seek help. I tried for years to get her that help and it was tossed back in my face.
I held on though out of fear of divorce for many reasons. I thought it would be hard on the kids, I wondered if I could get custody, etc.
I finally had a personal epiphany last July where I just stopped trying as I realized I can't do this for her, she has to do it for herself. Since then I have still held on to the hope we could salvage our marriage if she just sought help but recently I realized that day will never come. My leaving will be her rock bottom and I pray she uses it to get the help she needs.
Recent events have killed all hope I have in our relationship and I am now getting my life lined up and ready to make that plunge into divorce. Am I scared? Heck yeah. We have been married 15 years this June and I would be lying if I said I can just up and leave and it not bother me. It is one of the hardest decisions I have ever made and I have to keep my eyes forward daily to keep the end goal in sight. That end goal is my happiness and the happiness of my children and that picture does not include my AW.
I held on though out of fear of divorce for many reasons. I thought it would be hard on the kids, I wondered if I could get custody, etc.
I finally had a personal epiphany last July where I just stopped trying as I realized I can't do this for her, she has to do it for herself. Since then I have still held on to the hope we could salvage our marriage if she just sought help but recently I realized that day will never come. My leaving will be her rock bottom and I pray she uses it to get the help she needs.
Recent events have killed all hope I have in our relationship and I am now getting my life lined up and ready to make that plunge into divorce. Am I scared? Heck yeah. We have been married 15 years this June and I would be lying if I said I can just up and leave and it not bother me. It is one of the hardest decisions I have ever made and I have to keep my eyes forward daily to keep the end goal in sight. That end goal is my happiness and the happiness of my children and that picture does not include my AW.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by Zak68 
My leaving will be her rock bottom and I pray she uses it to get the help she needs.
What matters is I hit my rock bottom and started building a better life. AH has "lost" everything, including his health, and he still drinks. For some, rock bottom is death.
I pray every day AH seeks and finds sobriety; that is for me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Illinois
Posts: 147
I agree Denny. She once told me I could leave but she would see me in hell before I took her kids. I told her to her face if I wanted to leave she couldn't stop me from getting them in her condition but I was stying becuase I believed in her and wanted to help.
Basically enabled her for several more months is all I did.
I do hope she gets better. I don't understand the disease and while my love for her has gone I feel pity for her and hope she finds the inner strength to get better, I just won't be there to help her any more.
Basically enabled her for several more months is all I did.
I do hope she gets better. I don't understand the disease and while my love for her has gone I feel pity for her and hope she finds the inner strength to get better, I just won't be there to help her any more.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
AA- Hong Kong , Alcoholics Anonymous - China
At the bottom of that page is a telephone number for Al-Anon in Hong Kong. There are also online meetings, I believe.
At the bottom of that page is a telephone number for Al-Anon in Hong Kong. There are also online meetings, I believe.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: phoenix arizona
Posts: 741
Originally Posted by DESIGNER
Just the other day I didn't know what I was going to do. I continued to yell and scream at him. That was not working....all it allowed him to do was have a reason to go and drink and a reason to blame the drinking on me because we were fighting.
It's good you recognized the yelling and screaming was not working.
Remember you can't cause it, but you can contribute to the problem or not.
Take care of yourself!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
