DESIGNER

I am writing this post because for once I was strong tonight. It took every bit of energy out of me to be this way but I did it. I am proud of myself for once in a long time.

I am sick of being treated like a piece of trash that can be tossed to the side of the road only for someone to come along and straighten me out and be fine.

I came home from work tonight and I was getting ready to go to my parents(they got a cute little tiny puppy today) and cuddle and meet their new puppy. The abf came home from work early than expected and when he came in he looked at me and said hello. I think that he expected me to say hi back and look at him and hug him and plead with him that everything was ok. I simply said hello and I continued collecting my things and getting prepaired to leave. He was the bf that I loved at that point. He was sitting on the couch and playing with our dog and you could tell that the real person that I loved was sitting there on that couch. I wanted so much to go over to him and sit on the couch with him and make things right but I said no to myself and with every little energy I had I chose not to. I am not going to be the one to say anything.....that was me before. I would sit there and laugh with him over something silly our dog had done and sit down and cry and beg him to stop doing this. I wanted to sooooo bad but I know that if I do this the cycle of craziness will continue and for a moment it would be ok and than it would go back to what it always is........him being drunk and me forgiving.

I grabbed my little dog and left. On the way out he said bye to me and I completly held my tounge and continued to walk out that door. It was so hard. I am a firm believer in never ever being mad at someone for long because you never know what could happen but for once I wanted him to feel the pain that I felt every time he walked out the door when i was trying soooo sooooo hard to make things OK between us.

I held back tears once I got into the car.......I prayed to God to be strong. I know that the moment I walked out that door he felt like I was gone from his life. I never act like that. I am always the one to say " lets talk" when I see the bf that I truly love.

I couldn't do it. I am tired of making things right between us-only to have hime turn around a couple of days or weeks later and do something that hurts our relationship.

I am a good person and I love with all my heart and soul the people in my life . Tonight was different. I dug way down deep inside of me and decided to give myself some respect. I am tired of always forgiving. I don't hurt people that I love. I respect them. I am very much a person who lives by the quote of " treat me with respect and I will treat you with respect-treat me like dirt nd I will treat you like dirt. I have treated everyone in my life like that except him. I have let him manipulate my brain for too long and I am tired....really really tired.

Even though I am like that,I am a bigger person to say that If you really are sorry and you change the things that you have hurt me with I will forgive you and forget about the past. I don't hold grudgesI am not perfect and I want people to forgive me If I do wrong but I refuse to forgive someone who does not change their ways if they are hurting me. He can get help.....he knows what he needs to do....he is not stupid and he knows that drinking is getting in the way of everything in his life but life is too short to spend time with someone who knows that he has a problem and will not change it.

There are ways around it. I realize that an addiction is very hard to overcome. I feel sadness that he has to deal with this but there is help out there.....plenty of help that he refuses to accept.

I am 27 years old....never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that I would be in this place at this time of my life. I am dreamer and I always thought that I would be living the life that I want to live at this age. Married with children in a nice(not huge) suburban home and just loving the little things in life. I am not a gold digger....he knows that. If there is one thing that I want more than anything in this life it is to find true love. Love that last forever like my mom and dad have( married 38 yrs and like my grandparents have).

I treasure the small things.......a beautiful day, a beautiful ocean and scenery, a long talk with your grandparents about thier past, small children who you can teach and love to be the best you can be in life...etc.

God puts you on this earth with a path....I am firm believer of that. I guess that I was supposed to deal with alcoholism for a reason. Somedays I don't understand and get angry with god but In the end I will know the reason.

I hurt right now....no doubt about that. Just yesterday I cried. I cried because I felt like the victim. I felt as though I was pissed of because someone did not understand that I love him sooo much and he still hurt me.

I can't do it any longer. It has been 4 long years of blaming myself for not being able to change this person. I saw glimpses of hope and I saw someone that deperatly cried out for help but did not want to do anything to save himself. I can not do it anymore. I love him......more than you will ever know and If I had one wish in this world I would wish for him to be ok with himself and never harm himself again but that is not going to happen.

I will continue to improve myself and be the person that I want to be. IF he joins me and is serious about wanting help....there is no doubt in my mind that I would be there for him but untill that time I am going to save myself and enjoy the life that God has given me.

I will continue to pray for all the lost souls......but I will not continue to let those lost souls affect this life that God has given me. I will pray to be strong and hopefully I will be able to affect one persons life while I am on this earth.

Shivaya

Oh Designer,

Good for you. You should be proud of yourself. And I have to say, for such a young lady, I am in awe of how mature, reasonable, level headed, enlightened you are.

I am much older than you (I'm 40!!), and I know for sure that I was not so enlightened when I was your age. I married my AH at the age of 27, and I knew before I married him that he had a drinking problem. My father was an alcoholic, so I guess I thought that this was acceptable.

Enough about me. Sounds like your parents did a fine job of raising a nice young lady, and you deserve a man that will treat you as you treat him.

Keep strong!

Shivaya

DESIGNER

Thanks shivaya,

I believe with all my heart and soul that my parents did a great job. I have the many values in life that they posess. I am not trying to sound conceited I hope, but when it comes down to it I always look at my parents marriage for the way that life should be. My dad is amazing....only as I get older though. Man that man beat into my head the morals and values of life. At times growing up I wanted him to be much " cooler" but now that I am older I find myself understanding the man that he is. I love my mom to death....but my dad is the one person in my life that has really taught me to be a good person. He was tough on us.......I hated him at times( not really but at a young age you wanted something cooler). He taught me how to be a good person. I treasure both my parents like you would not believe. My mom has given me the spiritual side of me and my dad the moral and real life value side of me.

They are both truly angels. My mom and dad's marriage is something that everyone of us would all love to have. They had their hard times but my dad has ALWAYS put my mother first. He is truly an angel on this earth. They both are but I feel like I have more values like my dad. I have 3 sisters. Each and everyone of my sisters looks like my mom. I am the only one that looks identical to my dad and they always tell me that I am the most like my father.

I just want peace in this world......I want to take away the bad stuff and enjoy the wonderful things. I remember and still witness to this day my dad getting mad at things on T.v that are just horrible situations. I always thought that he had such a bad temper but I realize now why he was soo mad. He was getting mad because when you watch the news you hear of such horrible stories where treasuring values and the people around you where just not present.

When I met my boyfriend i saw the same things that my dad posessed.......the only problem is that a thing called alcohol gets in the way of some of his descisons.

Makes me sooo sad but what can you do. He will not change if he does not want to.

carolineb

Designer~

Good job. Sounds like you have had enough and are beginning to see the light of the path you need to continue on.

It won't be easy. If he senses that you are vulnerable in any way....he will work with it. Stay strong. Know who you are and what you deserve.

Regardless of what this man says for now....he can't 'get help' just because you are leaving or just because you ask him to get it.

Unfortunately, he will come to that realization on his own....hopefully someday. Which means, it will probably be at a time when you are not in his life.

Look at it this way.....in the long run, the addict has more respect for the significant other who can stop being manipulated and stop being the doormat. That's you.

Keep up the good work. You're heading in the right direction. Keep going.

Growing

Designer,

Thank you for your beautiful posts...they really made my day today.

I thought this was so great that it needed to be repeated:

"hopefully I will be able to affect one persons life while I am on this earth."

Designer...you are affecting our lives here at SR in a wonderful way...I know you are affecting lives face to face also.

Shivaya

My goodness Designer!

Thank you so much for sharing with us about your great upbringing, and how truly wonderful both of your parents are. You are not being conceited when telling your story, I think you should "shout it from the rooftops"! Something to be very, very proud of, and thankful for. They have helped you become the great person you are today.

My parents divorced when I was 10, my dad was an alcoholic, didn't work, and my mom kicked him out of the house. He moved out of state, and he never, in his entire life, helped my mom out in any way with his children. My mom did the best she could, with raising 3 daughters on her own. I love her dearly, and she is my inspiration.

My mom made some very poor choices in boyfriends while I was growing up. Although my alcoholic dad did not live with us anymore, my sisters and I were surrounded by men who abused alcohol and drugs in our home (my mom did not participate in any of this, for some reason she just was attracted to addicts)!

Anyhow, I love to hear stories of marriages that work. And I really hope that someday I can have a healthy, happy marriage. I have been a work in progress for 40 years, and I feel I am always pursuing my spirituality, trying to be a better person. I can only continue to be who I am, and only hope and pray that my AH can be enlightened at some point in his life, whether it's with me or not. God how I want it to be with me.....

Shivaya

SoberAndy

Good for you.

Mair

Designer((())) so so glad that your on your way and i am very proud of you.

Mair x

hope2bhappy

This is a good way of not sugar coating the reality. However, you have done really well. Continue to find yourself and be strong.