sodetermined

Hello, everyone!

I posted the other day about my current situation with my abf. Well he is currently only working side jobs, and he just called me at work, and informed me he spent his last $4 on beer (nothing new there), after promising this weekend he would try to quit drinking. Well, he went one whole day. So, of course on the phone I start to tell him that I'm upset, not to ask me for money for cigs now., etc. Then he hangs up because he says I'm bitching at him, he doesn't want to hear it.

I could go home and start a fight but it wouldn't change anything anyway. How do you not let that stuff bother you, and ruin the night? How can I go home as if everything is fine?

Grrr, it's so frustrating.

cinderellawkids

for me I say nothing, if I feel the urge to I journal it and when he begs for cigs money or whatever I calmly state, you should ahve thought about that before you spent $ on ____, I m not buying things for you anymore. They beg and plead but several times of you not giving in he'll stop trying and then it gets easier to detach and let them do what they are going to do

Mair

Hi So
In my experience of this i had to leave my xab without electricity, food cigs, not a nice feeling but if you give in to him you might as well buy him beer. go home and act normally and if he asks for money just tell him you cant afford to buy him stuff sorry. then carry on as normal. Not much point arguing with him, just make sure your not out of pocket by enabling him. Good luck you can do it.

Mair

sodetermined

Well, I'm just always hoping and praying that he will choose recovery one of these days. And so much anger and resentment is already there, it's hard not to be mad and upset, but if I get all upset then it takes the focus off of him and onto me and how crazy I'm acting.

Well, I have caller id at work so I guess I could not answer, but then I would know he's drinking as soon as I get there anyway, and I would still be mad...and yes I guess I'm trying to focus on my recovery and still detach with him there, that way the next time he screws up I'm not totally devastated....and each time he messes up I think I'm stronger and stronger, but I'm still not quite there. I love this man, but it's so frustrating sometimes, he wears me out so much.

He says he is fine when he drinks, which isn't true. If he drinks enough, the verbal abuse always gets worse....nothing I do or say is right.

sodetermined

Well, this, I'm not sure. But this last time when he took off for the weekend, I thought for sure I was done. But I made the mistake of answering the phone, instead of putting a complete stop to the contact. This is where I made the mistake. Next time, I will know better. I just allowed myself to be manipulated right back in again.

cinderellawkids

focus on you adn your recovery and the answers will come to you, I promise. For now trry to stop the enabling and remember anger is depression turned inside out and does no good for you or him. Try to deatch from what he's doing. I know how hard it is, but it can be done and then I just try not to think about what AH is doing, or not doing

Mair

"But this last time when he took off for the weekend, I thought for sure I was done"

You will hit your bottom one day and you will know that you are done. Its a process we all go through, some longer than others.

In the meantime take good care of yourself, you dont want to waste your life waiting for him to reach his bottom. and always remember they are masters of manipulation my xab got me running back so many times.

Mair xx

ARealLady

How do you not let that stuff bother you, and ruin the night?

Socon....if it bothers you at all it's going to ruin the day and the night. And it must be bothering you or you wouldn't have posted about it.

I can understand that if you have a regular job that you want to go home and spend a pleasant, relaxing evening then get some tranquil sleep before starting the same routine the next morning. Restful down-time is your reward for working all day.

Bottom line....take back the control over YOUR life. What do you owe your BF? Have you got a contract stating that you are supposed to bail him out when he is short of funds? I got caught up in that same trap. XABF didn't have money. Why not? He'd spent it on drink and cigarettes and silly frivolous spending connected with alcoholic behaviour. And then he blamed me for not understanding!! Understanding what???????? All I was starting to understand that he was an A and that my life and well-being were more important. I never asked him for money!

ARL

shakarris

I am still learning but I find by saying nothing .. about what made me mad and carrying on with MY night. If he brings it up simply reply sorry I cannot hep you at this time. I have slipped up a few times but the more I practice the better i am getting at it

keep strong
shakarris

hope2bhappy

I agree with saying nothing, other than "Sorry, I can't help you." Try to remain happy and cheerful, not judgmental. I find cannot hurt others without hurting myself. This is a compelling reason for me to think before I speak. Speaking in anger may be a momentary release for me, but it returns like a boomerang. Attitudes are contagious.