Chrysalis123

This is a first for me. I am learning in my recovery that I isolate. I learned to isolate as a child because of alcoholism and other problems and now I am learning that is keeping me from what I want, which is true relationships. I hope tomorrow at my Alanon meeting I will have the courage to share face to face, but online with you all is hard enough.

Yesterday, my long time friends had a superbowl party and invited most of my other friends and their kids and I was not invited. My soon to be XAH and my kids were invited and attended. I know this because my kids were with him for the weekend and came bounding in this morning all excited to tell me about the weekend and shared how fun the party was. IT HURTS and DIVORCE IS HELL.

I don't know if my friend did invite me and AH chose not to tell me or she didn't invite me. Either way it puts me in an awkward position because I see her and the other people that attended around our small town frequently. I don't want her to think I snubbed her if she did invite me (through AH). Anyway it really hurts.

On to have a good day and thanks for letting me practice on you!

simbala

Oh that hurts. I can understand how you'd feel. I think it would be acceptable to simply say that you wish you had been invited to the party as it sounded like fun- in as polite a tone as you can. The ball is then in her court to say "But I did invite you" or "I'm sorry, but I didn't because... " If she reall is your friend, she'll be able to talk about it. Regardless of her response, stay as calm and polite as possible. Good luck and I'm sorry you missed out.

Mair

Ouch that's horrible, i remember my sister doing the same to me, she didnt invite me to her bbq because i didnt have a partner. talk about feeling like a leper, i asked her in a joking way "not good enough for the bbq"? Her explaination was that she didnt want me to feel awkward being on my own!!! Mmm she didnt do that again in a hurry. Mabye your friend has a similar daft reason, ask her in a friendly manner who knows she might have had a valid reason. People react oddly when your newly divorced for some strange reason. Chin up dont let this get you down.

Mair xx

Spiritual Seeker

((((((((((((((((Chrysalis123 ))))))))))))))))))
It's going to be an emotional rollercoaster. No easy way to go through divorce.
Call a friend and reach out for support. Talk about your feelings.
Hope you have a better day today.

Growing

Just know that it is worth all the pain to let this "drama" with these other people go. Its not worth it. Yeah, it sucks...it trully sucks...people choose to be ****s...but I love the recovery that you have shared with us and I know that your sanity is worth it. These people don't deserve you....they missed out...Maybe your HP is showing you that they aren't really your friends. That info is priceless.

Just be glad that you don't have to live their life...imagine the struggles they have. Most of them I will bet don't have a "program" like you. You shine on this board...Just let their petty drama go, when you are ready...first you have to feel the pain...I know you will get through this and you are fortunate...because you will be better for it...unlike the others you know.

bluejay6

i love your vulnerability and honesty. exile hurts, and it happens often when one isn't partnered.
i hope the hurt eases as the week goes on. you are living a noble life, do not be ashamed.

DetachMe9

C123: Isolation is comfortable, familiar, numbing - - kinda like all that cookie-dough I ate last night during the game. Works in the short run, but isn't real effective for long-term recovery .

I spent years in AlAnon talking into the cover of my little blue ODAT, not making eye contact with anyone then bolting out the door as soon as the closing prayer was over. It was all about trust (or the lack thereof) for me, and it was several more years after that to make my first call to someone between meetings. Sponsorship was even later.

Divorce sucks beyond recognition, especially when after years of making myself indispensible/right/self-sacrificing I see STBX-AH out and about with others looking/seeming "normal", having friends, etc. Hurts somehow, but I have to believe in Live And Let Live or I'm going to go down with my own hypocrisy-ship. Right?

Take care of yourself.

peaceteach

I found being divorced extremely painful, more so because I felt like such a cliche', such a failure, just embarrassed, actually. I soooo didn't want to be a statistic. I asked a divorced friend, at the time, "How long till it feels 'normal'?" He said 5 years, probably. So I'm at 3 now and it IS a lot easier.

I imagine this is what feeling divorced just is, with or without an A in the mix.

nowinsituation

Chrysallis -- I second much of the above advice that you try not to take it too personally. I wouldn't bring it up at all to your friends (the hosts) unless it was somethign along the lines of "the kids sure had a great time at your Super Bowl party". They may offer an explanation after that, or they may not -- but I wouldn't put them on the spot. We are very much in the same situation, and I can see this type of thing happening with me and my AH and our friends. I know I would feel hurt and left out!!! But, another reason that they might have only invited him was that they felt sorry for him; and maybe felt that your were strong enough or had other friends that they thought you might be hanging out with? Make sure to keep them involved in your life by including them when you are the hostess -- after a while a new "normal" will develop. Take care!!!

Chrysalis123

Thank you so much for your support. I feel better now and the whole incident is in perspective. Yes it hurt and it should hurt because I was excluded. But, I don't know why I was excluded. It doesn't matter why. I felt the feelings and they passed and I'm walking around having a great evening. I'm not obsessing, I'm not depressed and crying, I'm OK!!!!! I know divorce doesn't have to be hell...it just felt like that this morning. I am learning to be healthy and that is wonderful. I can't thank you all enough.