Struggling…..intervene or not?
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Tennessee, USA
Posts: 2
Struggling…..intervene or not?
Struggling…..intervene or not?
Hello all, I’m new to the forum and attended my first Al anon meeting Thursday night. I’m going to Al anon because there are no Nar anon mtgs in my city.
My mom’s been abusing prescription drugs (mostly Soma – as far as I know) since I was a teenager (I’m now 32) and I recently found out from family members that she had an alcohol problem when I was even younger. Another family member told me she was drinking half a fifth of vodka per day in addition to all the Rx drugs during a month long visit about 18 months ago. Over the years, there have been a ton of medical issues that I now feel were mostly (if not all) faked so she could obtain the drugs. Most recently, she’s been telling people she has post-polio syndrome, a condition that affects adults who had severe polio as children. Her brother, her first cousin and her mother (before she died) said that she never had polio. She’s been in and out of hospitals all of her life and has racked up a serious debt of medical bills. She has also been through quite a few doctors and we are pretty sure that she was going from doctor to doctor because they each refused to fuel her drug habit. I even asked one of the doctors (who was also treating me for depression at the time) if she was aware that she was obtaining pills from another doctor. The answer was no. At several points in time, she had me picking up pills for her from two different pharmacies …. a lot like the alcoholic who will go to different liquor stores to prevent somebody from detecting a pattern.
Recently, a friend who has been totally snowed by my mom’s stories sent us a heavy handed email that admonished me and my sisters for ignoring her medical problems and the other problems that come with addiction – such as my mom’s financial problems. It’s stirred up a wave of emotions and part of me bought part of it for a few hours until my sister (who’s been in AA for 15 months and is doing very, very well) helped me reverse/neutralize those thoughts. My uncle, who witnessed the recent vodka/drug binges, also stepped in via email to offer support. My mom is living with another friend who has also been snowed by my mom’s stories and who also has a 10-12 y/o son. My other sister and I feel like we need to get her out of that house for the kid’s sake, especially since we know first hand the problems that a resident addict can cause.
We’re considering an intervention. One of my sisters (the successful AA attendee) is 8 months pregnant and had severe post-pardem depression with her first child who is now 3 ½ …. They’re bracing for the worst and are consequently under a fair amount of stress because of it. Her husband very understandably pretty much proclaimed that they won’t be participating in any type of intervention until the baby is born and my sister is free and clear of any potential PPD. My sister (his wife) – agreed this is best (Go them! Take care of yourselves first – not the addict). This sister also had recently told my mom not to come around if she wasn’t (at the current moment) sober, but my mom crossed those boundaries. My sister, probably using some skills/perspectives that she’s picked up in AA, told my mom that she’d help her get help and not to come around until she does.
One of the problems is finances. I will NOT do this without the help of a professional interventionist – who’s going to pay him/her? Also, who’s going to pay for the treatment program, which will be expensive. My mom does not have insurance and her credit – probably like many addicts’ credit – is totally shot (including a recent home foreclosure). My mom’s mom set up a trust for my mom before she died (she couldn’t trust my addict mom with a $300K inheritance) and my mom’s brother administers the trust/will now. My mom receives $28K/year from this trust and I asked her brother if more could be tapped to pay for the treatment. He said not without my mom’s consent. Later in the conversation, he said that he would ‘stick to the will’ (ie, he will not alter the $28K/year allowance). My mom does also receive $24K/year from my former step father as alimony. So I guess she could probably afford it, but knowing her, I don’t think she’ll pay for it. I am definitely not spending MY savings on this.
Another huge concern of mine is her reaction. Most of us in our family feel that she will not respond positively – she’s been an addict of some form for at least 30 years. We all are aware of the pitfalls of a pessimistic attitude/outlook, but we also feel that we’re simply being realistic. If she is going to admit to this drug problem, then she’ll pretty much be admitting to all of the lies, deceptions and manipulations she’s flung our way all these years. Also, if we build a big enough ‘intervention team’, we’ll have enough combined evidence that she won’t be able to lie her way out. I think that this will be devastating. And I’m afraid that it might cause her to intentionally OD. This is incredibly frightening. So is the idea of doing nothing and her unintentionally ODing some day.
So here I am feeling a bit trapped in a dilemna. My sister got one of her AA counselors on a conference call with me and he said that the intervention is just as much for the family and friends as it is the addict. We can then say that we did what we could to help her. And that’s mainly why I want to do this – I can’t (and eventually won’t) live this way any longer. This recent crisis started by her friend’s email has really shown me how much of an effect her drug problem has had on me. I guess I’ve just ignored my feelings when I tried ignoring her problem. At times these days, I’m slightly nauseated and the tension that used to be in my legs when I was having problems with depression has returned.
I want out. But I guess I don’t have to go through an intervention to give myself this out. I do want to help her, but I’ve learned through Al anon that I have to help me first. And that’s why I started going to meetings. But what do we do about mom in the mean time? About the kid in the house that she’s living currently living in? I understand that it’s not my problem to fix, but I don’t want another kid to go through this.
ARRRRRGGGGGGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hello all, I’m new to the forum and attended my first Al anon meeting Thursday night. I’m going to Al anon because there are no Nar anon mtgs in my city.
My mom’s been abusing prescription drugs (mostly Soma – as far as I know) since I was a teenager (I’m now 32) and I recently found out from family members that she had an alcohol problem when I was even younger. Another family member told me she was drinking half a fifth of vodka per day in addition to all the Rx drugs during a month long visit about 18 months ago. Over the years, there have been a ton of medical issues that I now feel were mostly (if not all) faked so she could obtain the drugs. Most recently, she’s been telling people she has post-polio syndrome, a condition that affects adults who had severe polio as children. Her brother, her first cousin and her mother (before she died) said that she never had polio. She’s been in and out of hospitals all of her life and has racked up a serious debt of medical bills. She has also been through quite a few doctors and we are pretty sure that she was going from doctor to doctor because they each refused to fuel her drug habit. I even asked one of the doctors (who was also treating me for depression at the time) if she was aware that she was obtaining pills from another doctor. The answer was no. At several points in time, she had me picking up pills for her from two different pharmacies …. a lot like the alcoholic who will go to different liquor stores to prevent somebody from detecting a pattern.
Recently, a friend who has been totally snowed by my mom’s stories sent us a heavy handed email that admonished me and my sisters for ignoring her medical problems and the other problems that come with addiction – such as my mom’s financial problems. It’s stirred up a wave of emotions and part of me bought part of it for a few hours until my sister (who’s been in AA for 15 months and is doing very, very well) helped me reverse/neutralize those thoughts. My uncle, who witnessed the recent vodka/drug binges, also stepped in via email to offer support. My mom is living with another friend who has also been snowed by my mom’s stories and who also has a 10-12 y/o son. My other sister and I feel like we need to get her out of that house for the kid’s sake, especially since we know first hand the problems that a resident addict can cause.
We’re considering an intervention. One of my sisters (the successful AA attendee) is 8 months pregnant and had severe post-pardem depression with her first child who is now 3 ½ …. They’re bracing for the worst and are consequently under a fair amount of stress because of it. Her husband very understandably pretty much proclaimed that they won’t be participating in any type of intervention until the baby is born and my sister is free and clear of any potential PPD. My sister (his wife) – agreed this is best (Go them! Take care of yourselves first – not the addict). This sister also had recently told my mom not to come around if she wasn’t (at the current moment) sober, but my mom crossed those boundaries. My sister, probably using some skills/perspectives that she’s picked up in AA, told my mom that she’d help her get help and not to come around until she does.
One of the problems is finances. I will NOT do this without the help of a professional interventionist – who’s going to pay him/her? Also, who’s going to pay for the treatment program, which will be expensive. My mom does not have insurance and her credit – probably like many addicts’ credit – is totally shot (including a recent home foreclosure). My mom’s mom set up a trust for my mom before she died (she couldn’t trust my addict mom with a $300K inheritance) and my mom’s brother administers the trust/will now. My mom receives $28K/year from this trust and I asked her brother if more could be tapped to pay for the treatment. He said not without my mom’s consent. Later in the conversation, he said that he would ‘stick to the will’ (ie, he will not alter the $28K/year allowance). My mom does also receive $24K/year from my former step father as alimony. So I guess she could probably afford it, but knowing her, I don’t think she’ll pay for it. I am definitely not spending MY savings on this.
Another huge concern of mine is her reaction. Most of us in our family feel that she will not respond positively – she’s been an addict of some form for at least 30 years. We all are aware of the pitfalls of a pessimistic attitude/outlook, but we also feel that we’re simply being realistic. If she is going to admit to this drug problem, then she’ll pretty much be admitting to all of the lies, deceptions and manipulations she’s flung our way all these years. Also, if we build a big enough ‘intervention team’, we’ll have enough combined evidence that she won’t be able to lie her way out. I think that this will be devastating. And I’m afraid that it might cause her to intentionally OD. This is incredibly frightening. So is the idea of doing nothing and her unintentionally ODing some day.
So here I am feeling a bit trapped in a dilemna. My sister got one of her AA counselors on a conference call with me and he said that the intervention is just as much for the family and friends as it is the addict. We can then say that we did what we could to help her. And that’s mainly why I want to do this – I can’t (and eventually won’t) live this way any longer. This recent crisis started by her friend’s email has really shown me how much of an effect her drug problem has had on me. I guess I’ve just ignored my feelings when I tried ignoring her problem. At times these days, I’m slightly nauseated and the tension that used to be in my legs when I was having problems with depression has returned.
I want out. But I guess I don’t have to go through an intervention to give myself this out. I do want to help her, but I’ve learned through Al anon that I have to help me first. And that’s why I started going to meetings. But what do we do about mom in the mean time? About the kid in the house that she’s living currently living in? I understand that it’s not my problem to fix, but I don’t want another kid to go through this.
ARRRRRGGGGGGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Not all interventions are "professional". Many of us (I am also alcoholic) have had interventions by "life". We get a DUI, we have relatives who refuse to allow us around their children, we lose a job, we blow a relationship, we lose opportunities, we lose our self esteem, we lose houses, cars... freedom.
Each of those things are the same sort of things that are set up by an interventionist. People set boundaries and stick to them. They do it "en masse"... an employer, a spouse, a friend, a child.
Treatment is not a silver bullet. It has about a 1/3 success rate.... with another 1/3 getting sober at some future point and the last 1/3 dieing active in their disease.
But by not covering for the addict, you take away the "soft landing", by not financing her using, by not allowing her around vulnerable people (including that child) you are setting boundaries.
She may still choose to use... it is her choice.
I urge you to try about 6 Alanon meetings. They helped me very very much, and I can honestly say they saved my life. If you still don't like them after 6 meetings, they guarantee they will refund your misery. (smile).
I do wish you the best.
Each of those things are the same sort of things that are set up by an interventionist. People set boundaries and stick to them. They do it "en masse"... an employer, a spouse, a friend, a child.
Treatment is not a silver bullet. It has about a 1/3 success rate.... with another 1/3 getting sober at some future point and the last 1/3 dieing active in their disease.
But by not covering for the addict, you take away the "soft landing", by not financing her using, by not allowing her around vulnerable people (including that child) you are setting boundaries.
She may still choose to use... it is her choice.
I urge you to try about 6 Alanon meetings. They helped me very very much, and I can honestly say they saved my life. If you still don't like them after 6 meetings, they guarantee they will refund your misery. (smile).
I do wish you the best.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Love First: A New Approach to Intervention for Alcoholism and Drug Addiction (A Hazelden Guidebook) by Jeff Jay and Debra Jay
This book is available from Amazon for $10
It teaches you how to do an intervention w/o a professional. They usually charge $3000 or more.
It can help you determine if this is an approp. choice for you and your mother.
This book is available from Amazon for $10
It teaches you how to do an intervention w/o a professional. They usually charge $3000 or more.
It can help you determine if this is an approp. choice for you and your mother.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
I don't know about how to pay for the intervention, but there is often "charity care" offered by either the county or the rehab/hospital itself for addicts with no insurance. Most of these got all new funding in January, so jump on it before the funding runs out (I know there was none left by the late spring/early summer in NJ, for example). Call the Department of Drug and Alcohol in your county for starters, and see what they recommend. You have nothing to lose by trying, seems to me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
Your mom's story sounds similar to my mom's story. She always says that she has all kinds of diseases--all these diseases are things that you can't see or have a clear diagnosis. She's always switching doctors, pharmacy shopping, etc. My mom is also excellent manipulator and has these "friends" who believe everything she says and do all kinds of things for her--until she scares them off. My mom became violent, so we actually had her committed. It lasted 2 weeks. It didn't make her better, but I am glad that we did it. I feel like we took the steps to get her help. We gave her the tools to get better. She just chose not to use those tools. No matter what you decide to do about an intervention, you need to make sure that you take care of yourself. Alanon is a great idea. Have you read Codependent No More? Have you tried going to a counselor? My counselor helped me with establishing boundaries. I've also been working the steps that have been posted as stickies on this website. This has really helped me!
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Geeeeeeze(((((TOT)))))
So sorry you are going thru this. I have several addicts in my family that are 30+ year veterans of using. I have tried so many times to "help" them and it has made me crazy as a loon.
I still do stuff for them. I do what I can ya know I can't enable them anymore but, I can call them and say hello, happy birthday, merry Christmas ect. I let them know I still love them and think of them often but I just can't get involved in their dramas. If some one wants to hold an intervention for them I might attend and I might not depending on how my life is going at the time.
I have my life and they have theirs and I don't think their is anything wrong with staying out of the line of fire with them. I know they they could die I don't want that to happen to them but, realistically how can I stop it from happening? They are pretty much set on the way of life they have chosen and as I see it only a miracle will change them. For my own sanity I keep my boundaries.
So sorry you are going thru this. I have several addicts in my family that are 30+ year veterans of using. I have tried so many times to "help" them and it has made me crazy as a loon.
I still do stuff for them. I do what I can ya know I can't enable them anymore but, I can call them and say hello, happy birthday, merry Christmas ect. I let them know I still love them and think of them often but I just can't get involved in their dramas. If some one wants to hold an intervention for them I might attend and I might not depending on how my life is going at the time.
I have my life and they have theirs and I don't think their is anything wrong with staying out of the line of fire with them. I know they they could die I don't want that to happen to them but, realistically how can I stop it from happening? They are pretty much set on the way of life they have chosen and as I see it only a miracle will change them. For my own sanity I keep my boundaries.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Excellent thoughts here. I am glad that you are trying to keep from getting lost in your mom's addiction. Keep attending those Alanon meetings and you will find that many of the questions you have now are ones you will be able to answer for yourself. I believe there is no right answer to your questions and Alanon will help give you the tools to find what works best for you. Hugs...keep reading and posting.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
your mom sounds very solidly enabled, with the "free" money coming in (so no job to lose..which is always a potential intervention) and friends who will take care of her. i can see why a professional intervention seems a very real possibility, since she is so protected from so many potential bottoms (she also has no marriage to lose and her health seems to be holding).
i hope you will read up on intervention and consult a few professional interventionists about your situation. with more information, the answer may come very clear. all the best to you and thank goodness you are taking steps to take care of your own life. stick close with your doctor for the treatment of depression, if that changes.
another book: "it's not okay to be a cannibal: how to stop addiction from eating your family alive." by two professional interventionists.
i hope you will read up on intervention and consult a few professional interventionists about your situation. with more information, the answer may come very clear. all the best to you and thank goodness you are taking steps to take care of your own life. stick close with your doctor for the treatment of depression, if that changes.
another book: "it's not okay to be a cannibal: how to stop addiction from eating your family alive." by two professional interventionists.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Tennessee, USA
Posts: 2
Thanks everyone. I'm feeling much better today. And I think I have a plan.....
......which is to just write a loving letter to my mom saying that I'll help her get herself some help, but if she won't then she's out of my life. I plan to post it and hope that you will provide some guideance.
Thanks again. You taking the time to reply is very appreciated.
Thanks again. You taking the time to reply is very appreciated.
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