Hevyn

It's Super Bowl Sunday here in the colonies. My neighbor was getting ready for his usual party at his house. Talking to him about it, he admitted that he's been drunk for every one of the past 15 super bowl games. He confided that sometimes he regrets not even remembering the outcome of the game or if he had a good time, when waking up on Monday. It got me thinking about the many events in my life where I've been there in body only. On my wedding day (second marriage), I was still drunk from the night before, so had a couple of beers on the way to the courthouse to stop the shakes (how romantic). Armed with my usual "anti-alkie" gear of eyedrops, mints, and perfume I stumbled in to say my vows. The next day I didn't remember a thing. I was lucky the marriage didn't turn out to be a disaster, since I'd been under the influence the entire time I dated my husband. When the fog lifted, fortunately, I really was in love with him, but it could have been different! I remember when shopping for some things for our first home together, I took beer into Home Depot and ran to the ladies room to guzzle it down so I could feel "normal" enough to shop. I'd like to ask you, how many events that you've really looked forward to have you ruined by either being drunk or hung over? Or, how many times when it's been really important to be clear headed and sober have we let ourselves and others down by being impaired? Weddings, funerals, holidays, vacations, job interviews, meetings at school for our kids, I'm ashamed to say there've been hundred of times when I've been just a shell of myself. It's in the looking back that you finally realize it. Watching the game today, I admit to feeling strange not to have a beer by my side. Each event or occasion I get through without alcohol makes me stronger, though. I can finally say I'm excited about this strange new feeling of being in control and not in a fog, paying attention to my surroundings, not just going through the motions. When I look back to my first wedding day - at age 20 - I remember being hung over from a night of partying. It was one of the first times I ever got really drunk. Already the stage was set for disaster, I should've seen it coming like a freight train. I try to remember, it's now that counts, though. I'm determined to set things straight and be the best person I can be right now, today. I'm old enough that I can no longer say I still have half my life left to "fix" things, but I've already begun to look beyond my self-centered little existence and see what I can do to salvage a life gone off track. For those of you who have recently signed on here, let us help you to avoid the suffering and tragic events many of us have gone through. You were wise to come here, and we commend you. Love, Joanie

nodrinkingzone

Thanks so much, Joanie. It's amazing how lost we get in it, hey.

I spent my engagement party hammered, it all ended in disaster, again - a sign of things to come I guess. There's many times in my life, that should've been my proudest moments and I was smashed.

I thought about the old "Amazing Grace" the other day, and cheesy as it sounds - that's what I feel like... "was blind, but now I see...".

I'm 7 weeks sober, and I feel alive for the first time in years. Thanks for sharing, I'm right here with ya.

ndz

Hevyn

Not cheesy, ndz, I sometimes sing that song in the shower. We all have regrets, I guess the trick is to not spend the rest of our lives filled with sadness and guilt. 3 weeks today for me (again).

Hope

We all have stuff in our past we feel ashamed about. But we can feel good that we are working on ourselves today making it better for the future.

I was drunk the night before I was supposed to be in court. The next morning I was still drunk, the alcohol hadn't worn off yet. I desperately rushed around all morning trying to sober up.. I went to court looking like crap... partied all night.... felt terrible... could barely speak coherent sentences... man, looking back, I could have had myself in some more trouble by doing that. Someone else drove me to court.

On past Thanksgivings (except the last one) I'd only visit my family with a 1/5 of vodka. I just couldn't deal with my family unless I had a drink in me... My sister and brother are 16, they look up to me... what a terrible role model I've been to them while I've made selfish choices for myself. I do feel guilt for that.

But we can forgive ourselves. We were in the grips of something much stronger than us. What really matters is that we realize that we have a problem and we have accepted help and we're doing something about our problem. We don't have to live that way anymore. As we walk in the light of our new life, we walk out of the shadows of our past.

Hope

PS- Thanks for starting this thread Joanie
I get a lot of strength from your posts and I'm glad that you are back sweetie!

Dee74

Good thread Joanie

I've never been married (yeah I don't get why either )...

but every wedding I've ever been to I've been plastered...most of anything I've done I've done plastered at some stage.

I don't feel remorse now tho - that was then, this is now - and, for however many years I have left, I'll be doing this living thing right...and that's what really matters to me

D

reed

thats one of the best posts I've read....nice. I think I have spent the past five years good and shattered....I fogot how much stuff I probably missed....I hate that whole drinking to feel normal stuff, I really hated having to do that, it made me feel just terrible....

Hevyn

I so appreciate being able to come here and say things I'd never say to anyone else. I don't have a single person in my life who truly understands what I've been through.

reed

I used to fill gatorade bottles with vodka and use food coloring for color and just cruise down coastal highway....to work, college etc. just for energy, its sick when alcohol replaces food....

CarolD

One memory that makes me cringe
was not an event time.

While playing cards ..I heard .."You lose"
.
Realizing I was too drunk to see the cards
I went to the bathroom ..returned nude and sat down.

I thought I had lost at Strip Poker.
*sigh* We were playing Spades.

nodrinkingzone

hahaha oh boy...

hahaha, sorry, not being mean or anything... but that's pretty funny...

:rof

Jomey

Hi Joanie, Thanks for starting this thread. Sure, there are tons of things I am ashamed of in my past - and not all of them involved drinking! Some of them just involved the self-centered, immature behavior that my drinking was a symptom of. But, you know what, hun, it's all about going forward at this point. I like reading your positive self talk and how you continue to grow in the strength of your sobriety. Please keep sharing. Your posts always mean a lot to me. Love, Jomey

gurujake

Graduating from college that is...many of you know where this one is going... I decided that it would be a great idea to attend a graduation party the night before my morning graduation ceremony. At the time, I was in the depths of not only my alcoholism but also a pretty bad cocaine addiction as well. The party ran well into the morning and I didn't get to bed until 3 a.m. or so and the ceremony started at 10. I remember my roommates waking me up at 8 and kindly reminding me that my entire family would be attending this ceremony including my Grandparents and other relatives who traveled from several states away to see me graduate. Well, in my state of haze, I decided it would be best to skip the ceremony (it was big enough that I could claim to have been there) and head to my fraternity house stopping to pick up a six-pack on the way. So, a friend and I did just that. The plan was to meet my family at my fraternity house after the ceremony. Looking back at the pictures, it doesn't look as if I even showered. I just remember my Grandfather standing next to me in my cap and me with my drunk arm around him smiling like a psycho. LOL...I can laugh now but it was one of the most selfish things I can ever remember doing (..bear in mind that I've forgotten alot) considering how important it was to my parents/family and the investment my folks made in my education. Looking back, it's a great story...it will always remind me of where my addictions take me -- to a point where I can care about nobody but myself. Thank God I don't have to live that way today. :-)

Rella927

Awesome thread Joanie!

Just wanted to say that I'm proud of you!

tay-lyn

Wow Joanie;
Your thread reminds me so much of myself. Last night I was thinking about HOW many times I have been wasted at events. I'd say all the events I've ever been to, I've been wasted at. I have caused such scenes and COMPLETELY embarrased and humiliated myself and my family. I was thinking that it has literally been hundreds of times that I have been that way. But that is understandable when you consider I started drinking 22 years ago, and from my first drunk, I was out of control. And considering I drank as often as I did, over the years, it adds up. I was stupified when I realized it has been hundreds of times. And like you, I am on my second marriage, first one at 20, and for both my weddings, I was hammered.........man! I too am lucky that my husband and I really do love each other and are still together after 10 years.....he is super forgiving!
Great post, not only is it great to read these posts and remember, but it is so good to know that I am not alone.

Jersey Nonny

Pardon me for laughing, too, Carol...just picturing you playing Strip Poker was funny enough...but, sitting down nude at a game of Spades!?! Well, I hope you can now see the humor.

Mine was a "cringer", too...and nothing to laugh about. My husband and I were on vacation with our 10-year-old daughter. There was a bar called D'Jais right across from the beach, and we used to sneak her in to listen to the band during Happy Hour. We apparently got so "happy", we forgot all about her and left her on the beach for hours. I don't remember how she (or we) got back to the rooming house, but I can imagine we were pretty well hammered.

I never knew until many years later, when she told me how scared she was, and how sunburned she had gotten waiting for us, that we had done such a horrendous thing to our precious little girl. It still makes me cringe just to think about it!!!

Thanks for reminding me...even though it's a painful memory. Thank God I never had to worry about leaving any of my grandkids unattended while I made an a$$ of myself.

Hevyn

By sharing your bad times it helps me not to feel alone. In reading your posts I thought of another shameful thing I did (and not all that long ago!). I was a trusted employee at a nice hotel - had been there 20 years. My dependence on alcohol grew greatly during those years. One day I decided not to bring liquor with me as I usually did, I felt people were getting suspicous. By early afternoon I was climbing the walls. I went into our lounge when it closed after lunch, & with no one around I looked desperately for any liquor bottles that may have been left out. Everything was locked up. Shaking and sweating, I got a screwdriver and proceeded to try and pry the liquor cabinets open. I put huge gouges and holes in about 8 of them, but couldn't get them open. I was going to pretend to be sick and leave, but I was in charge of an important staff meeting that afternoon. Finally I found that the "Keg Meister" was still working. I grabbed a coffee cup and filled it - could hardly get the cup up to my mouth - spilled it all over the front of me - and sucked it down. Then another & another. By the time the meeting came I was feeling just fine! (I think that was the night my boss called my husband to come pick me up instead of letting me drive home....) No one ever knew I'd been the one to do that damage. Oh, those were the days. Thanks for listening!