The Worst Time of the Day
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Hampton Roads, VA
Posts: 68
The Worst Time of the Day
Is that instant when I wake up. Usually there is about 5 blissful seconds before I am fully awake and the reality of the last 2 months rushes over me like being hit with a ton of bricks.
I have to remind myself that the cold cruel shell of a man laying next to me is not the person I thought I knew him to be. I have to remind myself that whoever has taken my place in his life is not to be envied. I have to remind myself that a life alone is going to be better than the best 5 minutes with him.
I feel like my heart is breaking. I have been told that I am fabulous but that he takes something away from me because when I'm with him I don't believe I'm fabulous. I feel so rejected, like why doesn't he love me anymore, why wasn't I pretty enough, good enough, etc. Why didn't our marraige vows mean something to him too?
Just a vent really. Trying to work through the sadness and make myself believe this is for the better.
I have to remind myself that the cold cruel shell of a man laying next to me is not the person I thought I knew him to be. I have to remind myself that whoever has taken my place in his life is not to be envied. I have to remind myself that a life alone is going to be better than the best 5 minutes with him.
I feel like my heart is breaking. I have been told that I am fabulous but that he takes something away from me because when I'm with him I don't believe I'm fabulous. I feel so rejected, like why doesn't he love me anymore, why wasn't I pretty enough, good enough, etc. Why didn't our marraige vows mean something to him too?
Just a vent really. Trying to work through the sadness and make myself believe this is for the better.
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
As you are now so I once was.....
It takes time. Lots of time.
He was gone and out of my life with little to no contact. Still I went thru this business of self beating.. and the pain and all of the whole nine yards.
You are 2 months and he is still there. When you can either detach (in spite of his problems and being there) or walk away and not seem him again (in spite of how you feel now) you will start to heal and that, my friend, just takes a lot of time.
There are some on these boards who continue to successfully live with addicts through the detachment process. I am not one of those people and I can never be one of those people. From the posts here I would suggest most cannot detach and stay.. and I have nothing but admiration for those sho can (mostly parents of addicts).
My addict is gone. I know where and I do not care. I do not believe he will EVER be clean. Someday he will get old and from the abuse he has given his body he will die. GOOD. His life. His choice. Not my problem and I no longer care.
Trust my words on this:
You are pretty enough. You are good enough. You did better by this relationship than he ever did.
The simple truth is that addicts like getting high more than anything else in the world. They will lose EVERYTHING so long as they can get high and maintain that high... and if that means having other women who do the same thing.. then that is what it means. If that means they need other partners to help them feel good that is what it means.
I figured this out when I saw his "new" GF who he had been cheating on me with.. my first thought was, "He left me for THAT????"
I have not looked back since. I feel good today. You will feel good too one day. People here on SR told me that, tho it is hard to believe when you are hurting and recovering yourself.
Take care of you and if nothing else.. whenever you start to feel bad think these words.. "I did not do this. I am better than simply good enough. I really am." Say it over and over and over and you will believe it.
It all just takes time.
It takes time. Lots of time.
He was gone and out of my life with little to no contact. Still I went thru this business of self beating.. and the pain and all of the whole nine yards.
You are 2 months and he is still there. When you can either detach (in spite of his problems and being there) or walk away and not seem him again (in spite of how you feel now) you will start to heal and that, my friend, just takes a lot of time.
There are some on these boards who continue to successfully live with addicts through the detachment process. I am not one of those people and I can never be one of those people. From the posts here I would suggest most cannot detach and stay.. and I have nothing but admiration for those sho can (mostly parents of addicts).
My addict is gone. I know where and I do not care. I do not believe he will EVER be clean. Someday he will get old and from the abuse he has given his body he will die. GOOD. His life. His choice. Not my problem and I no longer care.
Trust my words on this:
You are pretty enough. You are good enough. You did better by this relationship than he ever did.
The simple truth is that addicts like getting high more than anything else in the world. They will lose EVERYTHING so long as they can get high and maintain that high... and if that means having other women who do the same thing.. then that is what it means. If that means they need other partners to help them feel good that is what it means.
I figured this out when I saw his "new" GF who he had been cheating on me with.. my first thought was, "He left me for THAT????"
I have not looked back since. I feel good today. You will feel good too one day. People here on SR told me that, tho it is hard to believe when you are hurting and recovering yourself.
Take care of you and if nothing else.. whenever you start to feel bad think these words.. "I did not do this. I am better than simply good enough. I really am." Say it over and over and over and you will believe it.
It all just takes time.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
I talked to myself in the mirror, SS, with those same words. Over and over. I told myself "You do not ever have to live like this again". My exAH told me I was boring, lazy, and a cold bitch. And I am f****** fabulous.
Now he wishes he'd never left.
You just get up, girly, keep talking to yourself in the mirror and KNOW that he is a liar and you aren't. You are fabulous and deserve to have a life of wonder, not this treatment.
Now he wishes he'd never left.
You just get up, girly, keep talking to yourself in the mirror and KNOW that he is a liar and you aren't. You are fabulous and deserve to have a life of wonder, not this treatment.
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by SerenitySeaker 
I have to remind myself that a life alone is going to be better than the best 5 minutes with him.
I filed for divorce on March 2 of last year and he had to leave our home. He has done some pretty lowdown things to my adult sons, to me, and to our youngest son since then. It was HARD to stop dancing the dance with him; to just let whatever he did roll off my back. 25 years of reacting, rescuing, believing it was all my fault, that I wasn't enough..... detaching from this man was as hard as kicking any drug. But it was SO worth it.
I have peace in my own home. No more wondering where he is, when he will get home, what kind of shape he will be in when he gets here. No more worrying about what outrageous thing he will say or do to my kids that I will have to run interference for. No more fantasizing about how good things could be if only he would get sober. No more twisitng myself into whatever he says I should be to make him happy.
It has by no means been easy, but my life is light years better today than it ever has been, even though we lost our business, and I am moving out of the home all my children were born in. I went back to college to finish a degree I gave on up years ago, I bought a farm and am remodeling the old house there. You just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
((((HUGS))))) from Tennessee!
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
(((SS)))
Some of the loneliest, saddest times in my life, were with my exah. It's a different kind of alone when you are with someone and still alone. It makes that hollow feeling inside feel like it's never ending. For me, even after he was gone, I still had those feelings. I would look over to where he used to sleep, and it was still the same feeling, even though he wasn't even there. It took time to get over that feeling, and it took a whole lot of work on myself, just getting rid of him, didn't make it go away. Working on me and my own self esteem helped make it go away. I wasn't the failure, even though I felt like it at the time.
Next time you wake up feeling that way, remember, you are a good person, you aren't a failure. It want last forever, better days are comming. I promise you that.
Hugs and Prayers
B
Some of the loneliest, saddest times in my life, were with my exah. It's a different kind of alone when you are with someone and still alone. It makes that hollow feeling inside feel like it's never ending. For me, even after he was gone, I still had those feelings. I would look over to where he used to sleep, and it was still the same feeling, even though he wasn't even there. It took time to get over that feeling, and it took a whole lot of work on myself, just getting rid of him, didn't make it go away. Working on me and my own self esteem helped make it go away. I wasn't the failure, even though I felt like it at the time.
Next time you wake up feeling that way, remember, you are a good person, you aren't a failure. It want last forever, better days are comming. I promise you that.
Hugs and Prayers
B
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
Ahh Serenity,
I have been where you are and can still find myself there if I let it happen. It hurts to feel unwanted and rejected and it can make you focus on why they didn't think you were enough. If I was honest with myself I found that I was unhappy too. He wasn't there for me and didn't meet my needs so why am I focused on his not wanting me? Our insecurities can rule here. Some wise one here, (I think Ann) posted this message. I have it by my bedside for those times when I lose the focus on me and choose to focus on him. Because its' okay to make it about you and your happiness.
:prayingCathy
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Many of us have worked too hard to make relationships work; sometimes those relationships didn't have a chance because the other person was unavailable or refused to participate.
To compensate for the other person's unavailability, we worked too hard. We may have done all or most of the work. This may mask the situation for a while, but we usually get tired. Then, when we stop doing all the work, we notice there is no relationship, or we're so tired we don't care.
Doing all the work in a relationship is not loving, giving, or caring. It is self-defeating and relationship defeating. It creates the illusion of a relationship when in fact there may be no relationship. It enables the other person to be irresponsible for his or her share. Because that does not meet our needs, we ultimately feel victimized.
In our best relationships, we all have temporary periods where one person participates more than the other. This is normal. But as a permanent way of participating in relationships, it leaves us feeling tired, worn out, needy, and angry.'
We can learn to participate a reasonable amount, and then let the relationship find it's own life. Are we doing all the calling? Are we doing all the initiating? Are we doing all the giving? Are we the one talking about feelings and striving for intimacy?
Are we doing all the waiting, the hoping, and the work?
We can let go. If the relationship is meant to be, it will be, and it will become what it is meant to be. We do not help that process by trying to control it. We do not help the other person, the relationship, or ourselves by trying to force it or by doing all the work.
Let it be. Wait and see. Stop worrying about making it happen. See what happens and strive to understand if that is what you want.
Today, I will stop doing all the work in my relationships. I will give myself and the other person the gift of requiring both people to participate. I will accept the natural level my relationships reach when I do my share and allow the other person to choose what his or her share will be. I can trust my relationships to reach their own level. I do not have to do all the work; I need only do my share.
I have been where you are and can still find myself there if I let it happen. It hurts to feel unwanted and rejected and it can make you focus on why they didn't think you were enough. If I was honest with myself I found that I was unhappy too. He wasn't there for me and didn't meet my needs so why am I focused on his not wanting me? Our insecurities can rule here. Some wise one here, (I think Ann) posted this message. I have it by my bedside for those times when I lose the focus on me and choose to focus on him. Because its' okay to make it about you and your happiness.
:prayingCathy
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Many of us have worked too hard to make relationships work; sometimes those relationships didn't have a chance because the other person was unavailable or refused to participate.
To compensate for the other person's unavailability, we worked too hard. We may have done all or most of the work. This may mask the situation for a while, but we usually get tired. Then, when we stop doing all the work, we notice there is no relationship, or we're so tired we don't care.
Doing all the work in a relationship is not loving, giving, or caring. It is self-defeating and relationship defeating. It creates the illusion of a relationship when in fact there may be no relationship. It enables the other person to be irresponsible for his or her share. Because that does not meet our needs, we ultimately feel victimized.
In our best relationships, we all have temporary periods where one person participates more than the other. This is normal. But as a permanent way of participating in relationships, it leaves us feeling tired, worn out, needy, and angry.'
We can learn to participate a reasonable amount, and then let the relationship find it's own life. Are we doing all the calling? Are we doing all the initiating? Are we doing all the giving? Are we the one talking about feelings and striving for intimacy?
Are we doing all the waiting, the hoping, and the work?
We can let go. If the relationship is meant to be, it will be, and it will become what it is meant to be. We do not help that process by trying to control it. We do not help the other person, the relationship, or ourselves by trying to force it or by doing all the work.
Let it be. Wait and see. Stop worrying about making it happen. See what happens and strive to understand if that is what you want.
Today, I will stop doing all the work in my relationships. I will give myself and the other person the gift of requiring both people to participate. I will accept the natural level my relationships reach when I do my share and allow the other person to choose what his or her share will be. I can trust my relationships to reach their own level. I do not have to do all the work; I need only do my share.
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