sickatheart

My 19 year old daughter's addiction is out of control. She started using Heroin when she was 15. She has been in 2 rehabs and 3 times inpatient detox. She is progressively getting worse and her addiction is destroying me. Her father is at the end of his rope and it is destroying our relationship.

We have gone the whole nine yards,trying to help her. Now I know she has to help herself but as a mother I can't let go. The latest episode has just escalated into an unbearable situation. She went to detox 2 !/2 weeks ago and after 8 days she took off with a/b and has been using ever since. She has been gone on the streets with him for the last 10 days and there doesn't seem to be any end in sight. On top of all this she has been stealing our credit cards, but I was absolutely blown away when I found a receipt in the mailbox today for $150. western union wire transfer from my husband's credit card to her as the recipient! Believe it or not I have the credit card. I guess she managed to write down the # and keep it with her.

We called the credit card and reported the fact that it was stolen by our addict daughter. They are going to investigate and remove all charges totaling about $700. Her father is really mad and says he's having her put in jail. He can't live like this anymore! I really at this point have to agree with him because she is totally out of control and has to be stopped, but this whole thing is killing me.

Evan though she does nothing but lie and steal from us I still love her but, after 4 years of this insanity I know she has to be stopped evan if it means having her arrested. At this point we don't feel we have any other choice.

I'm sorry, I know I am rambling aimlessly. I quess I just needed to vent . I am just in so much pain ....I know there are no easy aanswers. Thanks for reading this.

Cryin4Kris

marle

My only child is my addict. She is 21 and uses crack/heroin, all of which is supplied by her 38 year old addict boyfriend. Addiction brings with it chaos, as I am sure that you know. You say that she is out of your house and that she has stolen from you. First, report the theft, cancel your card, and set a boundary that she is not allowed back into your house. My daughter does not get a penny from me, she is not allowed to move back to my home. I will help her find rehab when she is ready, but I do not push for her to go because I know it does no good. You really are powerless over her addiction, but you are not powerless over choices that you can make to make your life more bearable. The best thing that I ever did was to not speak with my daughter for 7+ months. It gave me time to work on me, set my boundaries and accept the things that I could not change. I know that you want to find your daughter help, but as long as you are doing all the work she does not have to take responsibility for the things that she is doing. Take a step back. You might think that it is impossible, but believe me when I say it is not. You are risking your marriage, your health and your happiness for something that you have no control over. I hope that you find a way to find some peace for yourself. Hugs, Marle

VanessaLee13

Venting can help. I know your other daughter has posted about not feeling like she needs Alanon/Naranon. But it really sounds like something that would be beneficial to you. Either that, or as I mentioned in another thread, rehabs in your area may have family groups.

As hard as it is, it is important to focus on yourself and your happiness. As someone in my group said, he isn't any good to his son if he is a mess. The biggest thing he can do to help his son is be the most healthy person for himself. This coming from a man whose son is an active addict and scheduled to be going to jail for 2 years.

I think you took an important step in reporting the money that was stolen from you. Great job! Keep coming back here for support and maybe think about going to a meeting.
<3, Vanessa

caileesnana

Welcome, and I"m sorry you are living this nightmare w/ us.

My AD is 23, stole my debit card in early Janurary. I pressed charges. She is still "out there" somewhere. Keep reading, posting, we all care. We are where you are or have been there. You are not alone! You aren't bad parents. She is so very sick. You can learn here from others how to help her the only way you can and not help her kill herself.

Kris, and you, are in my prayers. Another SR child to remember..

susan

mooselips

Aww of course you still love her! We love the addict, hate the disease.
And I sure can understand being at the end of your rope, I've been at the end, quite often with my 2 sons who are addicts.

Sure can understand the tension between you and your husband, the same thing happened in our home too. It's very difficult as a mother to detach ourselves, and let our "kids" H.P. take over, but that's what has to be done.

I am praying she lands in jail, where she can dry out, and hopefully think clearer. I've never slept better than when my sons were in jail, where they were warm safe, and dry, and fed.

Prayers for you, and your husband, and daughter.

P.S. Do you attend Alanon meetings?
Good support and experience at those meetings.

lostparent

It's a living hell when your child's an addict. will add you an your family to my prayers. :praying

BayAreaPhoenix

:praying

sleepygoat

You know, you really aren't "rambling aimlessly". Matter of fact, you sound like you know exactly what you are dealing with and what you need to do. Sometimes venting helps me to find the courage to do what needs to be done - whether that is to say, "no", or to 'detach' for the rest of the day, or whatever. I'm all for having persons who steal arrested - she may or may not be helped by getting arrested. Best case scenario is she will be mandated into treatment by the court. Or they may not even bother looking for her to arrest her (pretty much what happened to us with my AD without going into too much detail). Worth doing though, I think, because you do not have to put up with her behavior and there is a legal system that (sometimes) protects us.

Everything you're AD did, mine did too. When she was no longer able to steal from us due to throwing her out, changing the locks, discontinuing the charge card she stole, etc - well we hoped she would 'hit bottom' but she didn't. She found ways and means to get more drugs without us. Better for us, but worse for her.

Once they stop directly messing with our property, its gets better in terms of the anger. I hardly ever get angry at mine anymore. But the fear, and the sadness do remain (sometimes better, sometimes worse) as I learn to put the focus back on me while continuing to pray for her.

SoberAndy

I wrote in another thread how terrific the family group is at our daughter's rehab. It's run by professional therapists who know addiction very well. They have addict children themselves. This might be better than al anon. The things you need to do go against everything you've ever known. You have to let go of your own child. Since folks at al anon are not professionals, you may not find people that have the expertise you need. It's hit or miss depending on who is at the meeting that night. A professional who knows that this goes against the grain might be a better resource.

concernedsister

Mom, I really think you should find a meeting, it would probably help you find the strength you need to deal with all of this. My heart is breaking mainly for you during this time. Kristina is doing what she wants to do and won't ever suffer from her addiction until she faces some of the consequences. She can't continue to steal to support her addiction - not from you or anyone else. I love her as much as you do, but I know now that I'd rather see her in jail than on the street using for one more day and actually jail might be the only answer. In every other situation she has manipulated you - knowing she could eventually get you to do what she wanted (let her out of daytop early, no rehab, etc.). If she goes to jail, you will have no control over it so she won't be able to sway her fate with manipulation. It's an awful consequence, but she knew that's a risk every time she stole something and obviously she doesn't care.
She's been very lucky so far not getting killed in the two cars she totalled, not getting arrested, etc. If she can actually steal a credit card and western union funds to herself in HER name, I think she's laughing in the face of the law. That's not how the world works. Some people make one small mistake and pay for it terribly -- like her friend with the $30 shoplifting charge who can't get a job because of it, while Kristina steals jewelry, cash, ipods, forges checks, steals credit cards, sends western union payments to herself from your credit card, totals cars, doesn't pay court fines, and never suffers any consequences. It's time for her to start seeing the repercussions of her actions.

I'm here anytime you need me. If you want to "escape" come over and play with your grandchildren. I guarantee in my house with the kids arguing or playing loudly, you'll be able to forget for awhile!

Michelle

BigSis

Dear Atheart.... another mom, here. It sounds to me like you and hubby have been through the wringer. I don't see any problem with filing charges for the theft. I finally learned that every time I protected my addict kids from suffering the consequences of their own actions, I stole from them the opportunity to learn the lesson those consequences would bring.

I remember when my brother stole a fishing bobber from the local hardware store. How mom made SUCH a big deal out of it - taking brother back in for a stern lecture and a promise to pay back the loss (gosh - I think it was 49 cents!).

But why did she do that? I know why. She wanted him to LEARN from the experience. She loved my brother very much... enough to let him experience a little pain.

So often, the pain from the lesson is smaller the sooner it happens and bigger the longer we "cover" and rescue our kids.

Please know you are not traveling this road alone, and there is hope. I remember feeling so at peace when my kid went to jail - he was safe, sane and sober. What more could I ask?


((hugs))

peaceteach

Just praying for you, Mom. And advising you to read the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. When you get to the end of the first chapter and go down the checklist of codependent traits, you will recognize how much these past 4 years have taken their toll on YOU. You have permission to put some focus back on yourself, you know? Read the stickies above again, and realize that you do have a good support system in your husband, daughter, and here at SR.

bookmiser

((((((((sickatheart))))))))



Another mom here. Just wanted to welcome you to the group
and give my support and prayers.
I recently posted on your daughter's thread about my own addict.
I hope you read it. It killed me to have to do it, but I realized if I
didn't take serious measures against Jason, he may die from this
disease. I don't regret for a minute sending him to jail. It got
him clean and on a good path. It's been a long road, but he is
doing better now. You take care and keep coming back for support.
There are so many of us here who can relate to your heartache.
Your not alone. Keep sharing.
Hugs from one mom to another,
Linda

havehope

Just sending more prayers from another mom of a AD. I felt more at peace when my daughter left home and I changed the locks, etc. . .
I does hurt so much to not be able to help her. But the most help I could do was to let her go. It certainly does wear and tear on the res of the family. I was "loving my daughter to death". Now, our home is more peaceful. She is where she is married an addict twice her age). We no longer have contact with her. Seems like everytime we had contact with her, she broke our hearts again. Her younger sister has no contact with her either. Her choice, I think she was able to do the separation thing way before I did. I think as a mom we keep trying to od on to anything that we can to keep our children in our lifes.
Meetings help me so much. Also, reading books about addiction helped me understand the disease better.
Hugs to you.

ctrom40

Another mom here wanting to say hello.
I currenly have an AS and an RAD (thank you God.).
Great advise from all of the above.

I can only add..
If I knew then what I know now, I would have saved myself a lot of pain.
You can stop the madness... If nothing changes, nothing changes.

Hugs,
Colleen

splendra

(((((sickatheart)))))

I am in a fog myself today and feel I have not responded correctly to your plight on the other post you made...

I hope you do have her arrested and charged with her theft. She ought not get away with doing what she has done. I do really believe she is not too old to get a message from this. I think holding her accountable for her actions is the very best thing that could happen to her and it could save her life. She is very young too young to give up all hope on and I think going to jail could very well wake her up. SHe is safer in jail than out on the streets doing heroin.

HurtingDad

She needs to be arrested. It's unfortunate that there are free resources for addicts when they're in the legal system, but not when they're not. Love your daughter and HATE the addicts.

You and your husband need to go to a Naranon meeting. IF he won't go go alone.

Prayers for you and your addict.

splendra

I would like to suggest that once she is in jail to take heed that she may try everything in the book to convince you to bail her out or give her money while she's in jail. She don't need any money in jail.

I know you love your child with all your heart and that is why you gotta be tough seek all the help with this that you can find you are in for a battle with a very cunning and baffling opponent as I am sure you know. You are in my prayers you don't deserve to have to be making these kinds of choices. God I know how it hurts...(((((((BIGHUG)))))))

SoberAndy

I would also like to suggest that you try to direct your energies elsewhere. We know that you have at least one other daughter and grandchildren. In too many families all the attention is paid to the addict and not the other family members. Try thinkg about your other daughter, your grandchildren and normal activities like their soccer games. Talk to your grandchildren about school. Buy them some gifts. Remember that you have others to give your love to.

BayAreaPhoenix

Not a mom, but a daughter who didn't have the mom she deserved. Your daughter deserves the Mom she has! The Mom and Dad who will help her learn the lessons to live life in a healthy and respectful way! It's not easy, and I don't presume to think it is. I have often stated here how much I admire the parents on this board. I do. In my opinion, the love you all give your children, in growing and learning yourselves, is the best thing to do for them and shows that you are the right parents for your children! Sometimes the best thing is not what you hope it will be, I can see that from what I've read, but trust in yourself and your family as a whole. I wish I had a Mom like these kids do! Do what you need to do. My prayers to you for extra strength and courage. Extra prayers for Kristina to learn from it!