I want to beat my head against the wall
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I want to beat my head against the wall
Good thing I dont have a car. I swear right around this time of being clean I start constantly thinking about it. I am really bored for one. I work til late and have no internet or tv to occupy myself. I really am not a reader. I walked to get the mail at 1 am last nioght just to stop mysel from ripping my hair out. Then I cant get to sleep because I start thinking about the days of getting high.
I have been through this a million times. I know it passes. I know this is always what happens just before I hit 60 days and thats why I never make it past 60 days.
I am pretty sure that if I had transportation I might have caved. But then I dont know. Because I am really terrified of doing it. I feel like if I do cave..I will be losing something valuable. My heart falls into my stomach like I ust lost something very important. Which in reality I would be. I am pretty sure if I spent enough money my one dealer would come all the way to me. But I dont even play with that idea. I keep it as an impossible action as much as possible.
Dreams are killing me. I dont want to get high because something is wrong or I cant handle reality. I am just simply bored and really it has been a lifestyle for so many years.
I dont have a ride to meetings and I work nights so I cant make them close to me anyway.
I did have to go to the city the other night for a seminar. Only a couple blocks from all my spots. My cousin let me use his car. My grams went with me. But big deal. Whats she gonna do? Not a whole lot if I am determined to pick up.
But I made it there and back without picking up. I was worried on the way there. But glad to get the hell outta dodge when we left.
Anyway..I know what all this is. I am use to it. But usually I have a choice to go or not. Thank goodness I cant. Thank GOD!!!!
But these thoughts are driving me nuts.
Just needed to rant some. Thx for letting me.
I have been through this a million times. I know it passes. I know this is always what happens just before I hit 60 days and thats why I never make it past 60 days.
I am pretty sure that if I had transportation I might have caved. But then I dont know. Because I am really terrified of doing it. I feel like if I do cave..I will be losing something valuable. My heart falls into my stomach like I ust lost something very important. Which in reality I would be. I am pretty sure if I spent enough money my one dealer would come all the way to me. But I dont even play with that idea. I keep it as an impossible action as much as possible.
Dreams are killing me. I dont want to get high because something is wrong or I cant handle reality. I am just simply bored and really it has been a lifestyle for so many years.
I dont have a ride to meetings and I work nights so I cant make them close to me anyway.
I did have to go to the city the other night for a seminar. Only a couple blocks from all my spots. My cousin let me use his car. My grams went with me. But big deal. Whats she gonna do? Not a whole lot if I am determined to pick up.
But I made it there and back without picking up. I was worried on the way there. But glad to get the hell outta dodge when we left.
Anyway..I know what all this is. I am use to it. But usually I have a choice to go or not. Thank goodness I cant. Thank GOD!!!!
But these thoughts are driving me nuts.
Just needed to rant some. Thx for letting me.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Sometimes it's good when our options are limited.
Trish, have you thought of doing some volunteer work, doing something that will help you to get outside of yourself. That worked wonders for me.
Trish, have you thought of doing some volunteer work, doing something that will help you to get outside of yourself. That worked wonders for me.
everything is already ok
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Melbourne Victoria Australia
Posts: 19,789
helping others addicts or not helps me as does working on getting closer to my hp, the steps and other addicts.
Onya Trish, however we stay clean is great for today.
Kevin
Onya Trish, however we stay clean is great for today.
Kevin
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,368
I have to agree with the other here - sometimes we can think too much - I know you're working and I know you're not going to meetings, but a little volunteer work sounds good to me...you need to break the 60 days thing Trish...do whatever you can reasonably manage to do
D
D
everything is already ok
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Melbourne Victoria Australia
Posts: 19,789
Originally Posted by Dee74 
I have to agree with the other here - sometimes we can think too much - I know you're working and I know you're not going to meetings, but a little volunteer work sounds good to me...you need to break the 60 days thing Trish...do whatever you can reasonably manage to do
D
D
Trish nothing changes if nothing changes, reach out and move forward.Kevin
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 1,381
Boy I can relate to that. If it was not for being stuck out here in the sticks in the beginning, I believe I would of used. I look at it now as a blessing. It was after I stayed sober for months that I seen the benefit.
I used to drive my boyfriend to work and keep the car. But I had lost my license and I was tired of standing in front of a judge. I had 2 DUI'S and one driving on a suspended. I said to myself "never again will I go to court". Well I have not had to. It has been 7 years.
But there were days if I had a way to drink I believe I would have. So I know what you are feeling. But I am so glad that I stuck with it best thing that ever happened to me.
I used to drive my boyfriend to work and keep the car. But I had lost my license and I was tired of standing in front of a judge. I had 2 DUI'S and one driving on a suspended. I said to myself "never again will I go to court". Well I have not had to. It has been 7 years.
But there were days if I had a way to drink I believe I would have. So I know what you are feeling. But I am so glad that I stuck with it best thing that ever happened to me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Flint MI
Posts: 4,455
Originally Posted by chiynita
Good thing I dont have a car. I swear right around this time of being clean I start constantly thinking about it. I am really bored for one. I work til late and have no internet or tv to occupy myself. I really am not a reader. I walked to get the mail at 1 am last nioght just to stop mysel from ripping my hair out. Then I cant get to sleep because I start thinking about the days of getting high.
I have been through this a million times. I know it passes. I know this is always what happens just before I hit 60 days and thats why I never make it past 60 days.
I am pretty sure that if I had transportation I might have caved. But then I dont know. Because I am really terrified of doing it. I feel like if I do cave..I will be losing something valuable. My heart falls into my stomach like I ust lost something very important. Which in reality I would be. I am pretty sure if I spent enough money my one dealer would come all the way to me. But I dont even play with that idea. I keep it as an impossible action as much as possible.
Dreams are killing me. I dont want to get high because something is wrong or I cant handle reality. I am just simply bored and really it has been a lifestyle for so many years.
I dont have a ride to meetings and I work nights so I cant make them close to me anyway.
I did have to go to the city the other night for a seminar. Only a couple blocks from all my spots. My cousin let me use his car. My grams went with me. But big deal. Whats she gonna do? Not a whole lot if I am determined to pick up.
But I made it there and back without picking up. I was worried on the way there. But glad to get the hell outta dodge when we left.
Anyway..I know what all this is. I am use to it. But usually I have a choice to go or not. Thank goodness I cant. Thank GOD!!!!
But these thoughts are driving me nuts.
Just needed to rant some. Thx for letting me.
I have been through this a million times. I know it passes. I know this is always what happens just before I hit 60 days and thats why I never make it past 60 days.
I am pretty sure that if I had transportation I might have caved. But then I dont know. Because I am really terrified of doing it. I feel like if I do cave..I will be losing something valuable. My heart falls into my stomach like I ust lost something very important. Which in reality I would be. I am pretty sure if I spent enough money my one dealer would come all the way to me. But I dont even play with that idea. I keep it as an impossible action as much as possible.
Dreams are killing me. I dont want to get high because something is wrong or I cant handle reality. I am just simply bored and really it has been a lifestyle for so many years.
I dont have a ride to meetings and I work nights so I cant make them close to me anyway.
I did have to go to the city the other night for a seminar. Only a couple blocks from all my spots. My cousin let me use his car. My grams went with me. But big deal. Whats she gonna do? Not a whole lot if I am determined to pick up.
But I made it there and back without picking up. I was worried on the way there. But glad to get the hell outta dodge when we left.
Anyway..I know what all this is. I am use to it. But usually I have a choice to go or not. Thank goodness I cant. Thank GOD!!!!
But these thoughts are driving me nuts.
Just needed to rant some. Thx for letting me.
hugs and prayers,
Pamm
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 23
Boredom drives me crazy too. 
Exercise is something everyone should do(if you don't already), makes us feel better, and kills time. Aerobics classes or joining a gym w/a friend are even better. Helps stick to the routine and makes it more fun.
Exercise is something everyone should do(if you don't already), makes us feel better, and kills time. Aerobics classes or joining a gym w/a friend are even better. Helps stick to the routine and makes it more fun.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((((Chiy)))))
I remember feeling that way, but it really does get better as time goes by. I don't have any great words of advice, but agree with the others and hope you can find something to keep your mind occupied. I know boredom is a huge trigger for some people. I think you're doing great, though, because you haven't used, and your here posting your thoughts!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I remember feeling that way, but it really does get better as time goes by. I don't have any great words of advice, but agree with the others and hope you can find something to keep your mind occupied. I know boredom is a huge trigger for some people. I think you're doing great, though, because you haven't used, and your here posting your thoughts!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Hicktown, PA
Posts: 1,479
Hey Chiy- In a rush right now, but I agree with the others about volunteer work...it helps me a lot, esp. to just "get outside myself" for a while. Gotta get to church, but will check in later...lots of prayers to you dear! Love, J
JUST DO IT!!
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Here Or There
Posts: 7,612
A lot of good stuff there.
I never was much of a reader either....
I hated to read. until
I got into recovery....that part of me changed and I am so grateful that it did....
When we have times like this we just need to hang on to our azzz ......
There are still days today...not so much the using part....but my reactions to things....
That I need to not do something that I know wouldn't be good.
So wishing you the best right now is all that I can do and if ya need to talk ya know how to get a hold of me.
Love always
I never was much of a reader either....
I hated to read. until
I got into recovery....that part of me changed and I am so grateful that it did....
When we have times like this we just need to hang on to our azzz ......
There are still days today...not so much the using part....but my reactions to things....
That I need to not do something that I know wouldn't be good.
So wishing you the best right now is all that I can do and if ya need to talk ya know how to get a hold of me.
Love always
Naturally Occuring Phenomenon
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 437
I'm right there with ya....I dunno either man. There is no finish line in this race...I'm almost 90 days sober soon and know I cannot live without drinking ever again, stay
positive
be grateful for those excellent times
remember where you were when you decided to stop
remember
its better to burn out than fade away
positive
be grateful for those excellent times
remember where you were when you decided to stop
remember
its better to burn out than fade away
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