simplesyrup

Hi everyone, I posted earlier in the week about my brother who trashed his hotel room and it cost me money. Well, after I resolved to let it go, he got arrested and our mom (as usual) bailed him out. Now he's made phone calls to all of his sisters (there are four of us) to apologize for his treatment of the family at our Gpa's birthday.

Two of my sisters are very sympathetic and had tearful "phone reunions" with him. My younger sister has never known him (he's been out of the house since she was in grade school) so she doens't feel compelled to call him.

Here's my thing: He is a year older than I am and we were very close growing up. Until I got clean. I want to have a relationship with him, but his phone message left me reeling. It sounded like his typical schpeel. He was apologizing to ME, but everything he said was still all about HIM.

I don't believe that he is changing his life. He now has a prescription for the pot which in his mind means that he doesn't have a problem, but he is also still taking huge amounts of very strong prescriptions like full bars of Xanax! WTF? Regular people don't chop that stuff up and snort it. I digress, sorry.

He wants me to call him so we can "chat", but I don't want to have that conversation in his current state of mind. And I don't know how to say to him that unless he "gets some help for his addiction I can't have him in my life" without sounding condescending. His anger is a real trigger for me and I try to avoid that energy. Has anyone had to be on the giving side of this situation before? I'm not sure if I should even engage.

Thank you, if you stayed through this long post. I appreciate any feedback I can get.

mooselips

Syrup,
It's your call.
If you don't want to be involved in his chaos, then simply don't pick up the phone!

I know for a fact, when my brother was using, I detached, way far away, I couldn't stand the uneasy feelings I had, whenever we had a phone "converstion"
Actually, there's not much "conversation" when you're talking to someone who's using.

You take care of you, let his H.P. take care of him.
I know meetings make ME feel better, have you tried any?

Hugs, and prayers for you, and your family.

simplesyrup

Hi, Mooselips, thanks for the thoughts. I have gone back and forth with NA meetings for many years, but ultimately I found that individual therapy was more useful for me and my issues.

As far as Naranon, I haven't. I am going to go to an Al-anon meeting next week for a different issue, it will be my first one, but I suspect that much of what transpires there will transfer.

What started out as questions about others has quickly become an entrenching personal journey. And long overdue!

SoberAndy

Lay down your boundaries. Tell him you don't want him in your life if he is using.

He's an addict. He can't smoke pot even if he has a prescription. It doesn't matter if it's now "legal". Alcohol is legal too. He can't have that either.

I don't know if he has prescription for Xanax, but he also knows that's on the list of things addicts can't have. He certainly can't have it if he's abusing it by chopping it up.

Make it clear. His words mean little. It's his actions that mean something and right now is actions don't match his words.

Be clear. You don't have to ever accept him back. That's your choice. If you do, make it clear that he has to show he has cleaned up his act first.