concernedsister

Forgive me if I sound naive, but my family and I don't have a problem, it's my sister that has a problem. If she would stop using, we wouldn't have any problems. We don't have issues to work through or steps to work. She definitely needs help, I'd like some answers (to better deal with her actions) but I don't need help, a 12 step program, etc. I'll admit, its nice to come to a board like this to talk to other people who understand what you are going through and can offer advice, but it always seems when I post that I'm encouraged to go to meetings or tell my parents to go to meetings. I can see where the support from others at a meeting may help with advice, etc.. Personally, I have 2 children and a husband and my own life. I love my little sister dearly, but I don't have time to go to meetings and my parents aren't really interested in it either - although my mom does post here and likes reading the responses (as do I). We've all been to meetings as part of the rehabs she's been to. My parents never felt they helped them.

I hope no one takes offense to this because I'm writing to try to understand not to stir a debate or create tension. I just don't understand why, when you have always lived a normal happy life, because someone in your family starts using you yourself suddenly need a 12 step program?

Any info. on how these programs have helped you specifically would be appreciated.

caileesnana

I remember asking the same questions. However, meetings do help. Plus, addicition makes the whole family or anyone that cares sick. We cry, yell, bribe, give, take, forgive, etc. when all we are doing is helping the addict stay addicited.

I am unable to explain in full what face to face meeting bring except a feeling of hope from those who have made it out, a sense of peace that I am not alone and God is there, and a sence of belonging because whether we like it or not, we are "one of those people". I have been very humbled by my AD and as sick as I still am, the friends I've made here & my group are my lifeline. I wouldn't be here today w/o them!

prayers and hugs, it is so hard!
susan

cece1960

No one will take offense if meetings aren't your thing. I don't attend meetings, but I do fully embrace the Naranon concept and the 12 step process.

Here's my take (to take or leave )
You're right...my son is the one who started this. If he just would behave, my life would be back to normal.
But life rarely lets us drive in a straight line, and I just couldn't figure out how to get back on track when my son was destroying himself. I got to the pouint that I couldn't afford to wait for him, I may be dead first.
The "program", and the good people here taught me how to live my life, regardless of my son's choices. It taught me that I couldn't control his behavior, so I'd better take back control of my own life. I had no choice.
Advice on how to deal with the addict is a band aid of sorts, to help with our reaction. The advice to attend meetings, or to simply look toward ourselves rather than the addict for change can change your life.
Keep coming here for whatever you are able to get from the site. Remember though, there's much more to be had when you're ready.
((((Hugs)))

peaceteach

I'm like Cece; I don't attend face-to-face meetings either, but I do know that it was very eye-opening for me to realize that living with an addict/alcoholic did actually damage ME. I too thought it was just HIS problem and that everything would be fine if he would just stop the use. The Melody Beattie book "Codependent No More" truly opened my eyes to how low I had gotten in despair and depression. Now this point came after living for years with active addiction in my home, so maybe you haven't been through years of destructive behavior and aren't yet that affected. Good for you. Before you do start the downslide that goes along with loving an addict, reading here and learning the tools of detachment may save you a lot of personal anquish and pain.

Currently, I am getting a lot out of the STEP threads that others are putting up. And I keep wondering if my higher power is trying to persuade me that I need to attend face-to-face meetings as well, what with all the positive praise about al-anon meetings from members on this forum!

concernedsister

I thank you all, I have much more insight and perspective now. I hope my mother reads this thread too where I can see how a meeting might help her. In any case, this board is very, very helpful.

My 19 year old sister has been an addict for 4 years, and for my parents (living with her) it's been hell, and doesn't seem to be getting better yet. It's nearly driven them to divorce, my dad has high blood pressure, my mom seems almost ready to have a nervous breakdown. I just want to slap my sister and say "what the hell are you doing? Look at how you are killing your family, just stop already!" I wish it were that easy!

splendra

Well your sisters problem is your problem or you would not be here. You want to find out how to make her stop using right? However it is her right to do as she pleases...right?

You have a right to protect yourself from the destruction of her using drugs right? Are you and your parents going to protect yourselves or, are you going to keep trying to make her stop using? Protecting yourselves from her use may be the very thing that makes her stop using...a 12 step program can teach you how to protect yourself and like or not it will work if you work it...

greeteachday

I too started off thinking the problem was only my daughter's and that I would somehow find the magic answer. I begged, pleaded, manipulated, hid my money and credit cards, cried, paniced, spied, screamed, withdrew....etc. So yes, I finally did realize I had a big problem too. I did not have the horror of active addiction in my life for years on end, but as i read here and attend meetings, I realize that my codependent ways certainly were deeply engrained in me long before my daughter found heroin. I find that working program helps me to change me...to become a calmer, more spiritiual and more balanced person. So something that I started off doing grudgingly...not my problem, why do I have to go to meetings...became something I look forward to every week and actively work every day. There is a big difference between just getting through a day and living a fulfilling life, and working on me has helped me find the latter.

Hugs...I'm so glad you feel comfortable enough to ask any question you have. My personal view is we all need to do what works for each of us. For me, meetings and SR are a big part of what works because I have made wonderful friends who understand what I am going through. I did not have that in my life before...my friends had never dealt with addiction, or if they did, they kept it quiet. I think some people do have that support and understanding outside the rooms and that's terrific too. The most important thing is to not get lost in the disease and become another victim of it.

One other thought...My daughter told me when she had some clean time, that a big part of the need to feel numb was the shame and guilt. It's such a horrible cycle...she uses, she feels shame for how it is hurting her family; she can't deal with the shame or the sense of failure when she tries to stop and so she uses again...That helped me a little to turn my anger to the disease instead of her personally.

Ann

No offense taken at the question.

My life was out of control, I lived in fear 24 hours a day, I had night terrors and did crazy things like showing up at a crack house to get my son out of there. I was obsessed with saving him from himself and hung on so tight that I let myself go down with him into a dark place of depression and more fear.

The inner pain became unbearable and I knew I could not live my life one more day like that and I went to my first meeting telling myself that if this didn't work, I didn't want to live.

By the grace of God it worked, the scared neurotic person I was is now grateful for every day of my life and I'm living it well, happy and free...even though my son is still lost in his addiction somewhere.

This program, those meetings and SoberRecovery gave me my life back and a promise that it never ever has to be that bad again.

Why do I continue to work this program? Because of the many blessings it brings to me each day and because my life depends on it.

Hugs

lightseeker

no offense taken at all. I, too, used to believe that the only problem that I had was that the addict used drugs/drank. I didn't understand or realize how sick the whole situation becomes for everyone involved. It really does change the dynamics/conversations within a family. Everyone has different roles they play in their family and when one person is sick it tips everyone elses equalibrium.

Meetings are for everyone but they are a great way to find fellowship, understanding, and a process to grow if that is what is needed or wanted. I know that I fill in my meeting gaps by regularly reading and posting here. It is very similar to f2f meetings in that way....actually, it's kind of like a sponsor/sponsee relationship.

Meetings helped me to realize that there were many things that I was inadvertantly doing that helped to support the addict's active addiction. Those are ways that I have grown and I wouldn't have recognized it w/o seeing other people do things a different way.

It's a great question and one that I asked for decades. It's just nice knowing that the meetings are there if you every want them.

I'm sorry about your sister. My RAH's siblings went through a lot of bad stuff with him and I know the pain that he and his addiction caused them. None of them ever went to meetings. His mom did - but she also realized that she was doing a whole lot of enabling.

Glad that you are with us! Take care, Donna

VanessaLee13

I have only gone to a couple Alanon meetings (I know, they say go to at least 6), but wasn't such a fan of them. What I do like are the family meetings at the rehab where my RABF stayed (he isn't there anymore, but we are still going). They aren't Alanon or Naranon, they are less formal/structured, and are just a chance for family members to get together and talk about similar experiences. If you feel like you might benefit from these, maybe try calling rehabs in your area to see if any of their family meetings are available to you.
<3, Vanessa

bluejay6

addiction is a disease of isolation. not just for the addict, but for the family as well. anything which helps break this isolation is good, whether it is online talk, meetings, counseling, or simply one friend who also struggles with an addict and is also working to release with love.

like many, i am always wary of any program or group which says it is the only way. all i know for sure is that isolation with addiction will make us all crazy.

do what feels best for you, as long as you connect outside your family system.

SoberAndy

I understand you totally. Al anon is a great organization, but it presents itself badly. If a loved one had a disease like cancer, no one would say you had a "problem" because you cared too much. What we do need is advice and education on what you can do to help the addict and help yourself. That's what al anon really provides.

Of course, it's perfectly natural to be worried and to care about the addict in your life. The problem with addiction is that the natural thing is often the wrong thing to do. Often the best answer is to do LESS for them and to force them to face their own problems.

You want to know how to get your sister to stop using. I know this will be hard to hear, but there may be nothing you can do to get her to stop using if she is determined to do so. What if she never comes around? If she doesn't that's her choice. How do you deal with that heartache? That's also what al anon is about. It's about letting go.

It was painful for me to write that last paragraph. My step-daughter is in rehab right now where she has been for 60 days. She seems determined to make it, but I read about the people that were there much longer than her who still went back to using and it scares me. She is not out of the woods by a long way. We may still have to let go of her.

One of the saddest things that I saw in the two rehabs that SD has been in is this. On the family nights, 3/4s of the women had no one to come support them. That's right. No one. I could not understand this in the beginning, but now I can. Eventually, people get sick of supporting someone who brings them so much heartache, so they simply cut them off. The family starts out caring too much and ends up not caring at all. I believe there is a happy medium. Care, but don't let it take over your life. Take care of yourself. If you do that, it's easier to stay in it for the long haul.

We have been fortunate enough to be getting professional advice, first from SD's treatment center and now from a program at her rehab. The advice comes down to this: Take care of yourself first. Set your boundaries. Support her recovery, but don't enable her addiction. Accept the fact that she may not get better, and if she doesn't that is her choice.

VanessaLee13

It is definitely important to learn how to help ourselves when dealing with an addicted loved one.

So true, and so weird how it is the exact opposite of our natural inclinations. Someone needs help, we think we should try to help them. But wait, to help them we have to _not_ help them?

Such a great point. For those of us who love addicts, we have to know we will be OK for ourselves whether or not the addict ever stops using. For me, that may one day end up being leaving my ABF. Right now, he is doing well and working the steps and doing what works for him. But I face the reality that he may one day begin using again and may not want to get back into a program. Right before he went into detox/rehab, I was getting ready to leave him and move back to Pittsburgh. I didn't go with him to his dad's for their Christmas, I told him he couldn't come home with me to my dad's for our Christmas, I told him that I was moving back home, and that he should probably find a place to stay if he wanted to finish school. It took me 4 years to get to that point. But I got there because I knew that _I_ was no longer OK living with his active addiction and addict behaviors. I need to keep my focus on myself and my sanity before I can concentrate on our relationship.


I too believe there can be a happy medium. You worded it very well in saying that the family cares too much and then ends up not caring at all when they were hurt too many times. If you able to care, but do the whole "detach with love" when necessary, you don't let the addict emotionally and psychologically drain you.

It is hard coming to terms with the fact that someone would actually choose to continue to use. But growing up, one thing I always appreciated about my parents is that they allowed me to make my own choices and own mistakes. I wouldn't want to try to take away someone's choices. And I can't anyways, especially in this case. It would be nice if there was some magic addict-fairy who could come wave a wand and take away addiction. Haha. But there isn't, and the only one who can overcome the addiction and recover from it is the addict themselves.

Keep coming back here, there are awesome people here!
<3, Vanessa

concernedsister

It is amazing to me how much I've learned in the 4 years my sister has had the addiction. I've watched it tear my parents house apart (where she lives) and everyone involved has been heartsick. However, I do realize 100% that the problem is hers and she won't get help until SHE wants it. I hope she will one day soon but I know that none of us can force that. My mom really pushed her into detox (she said she wanted it) and she just checked herself out and went to use.

Over the years there has been quite a few times when she was clean for a few to as many as 10 months, during that time, she'd have a good job, pay bills, and just be such a wonderful person to be around. We'd talk and I would want her to come over and spend time with her. The addict is a totally different person - I can't stand that person, I don't want her in my house and I don't want her around my kids. It's hard not to want the "good clean" person not to be with us 100% of the time and to try to "make" that happen. It is obvious to me now that it is not possible.

She has gotten more and more resourceful and manipulative every day.

I do know how to live my own life. I suffer for my mother's sake and for the loss of the little girl I know and love, but mostly carry on about my life, my mom, however, her life is completely in shambles because of this and I do see how meetings may help her. I know she has to stop blaming herself and understand that there is nothing she can do.