Update on AD and a need to vent
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Update on AD and a need to vent
yesterday was a strange day, all in all. We spent several hours in the ER. I witnessed the vomitting and the diarrhea first hand. I saw how sick she was. (Her name is Leah, BTW). The doctor (at first) said, 'must be just a virus, no need to test for anything' . I politely said, "Well, its been going on a long time. What about maybe testing her stool for one of those intestinal parasites?" he said, "nah, those are pretty rare." and I found myself saying, "Ok, fine." and just feeling like, 'whatever. He's probably right.'
(not my usually self. I didn't argue or fight.) Next thing you know, he pops his head back in and says "Oh, I see from her records that she's HIV positive. Well, I think we'll test her for intestinal parasites and a few other things." So I got everything I wanted. She had blood drawn and stool samples.
Incredibly, the blood work was all entirely normal. Normal white count, normal electrolytes, normal liver enzymes, normal everything. I saw them myself. I can't understand how - she didn't even show up as dehydrated, though they gave her a bag of IV fluids anyway - based on symptoms.
the stool cultures and test for ova & parasites will not come back for 3 days, so maybe an answer will show up there. I don't know, though. I have seen stuff as a nurse, where tests are negative but the patient is sick, and we speculate on this and that - and the patient just eventually gets better and we never know why they were sick.
She looked like total crap. So thin and pale - truly a shell of her former gorgeous self. I knew she was really sick when she said, "You know mom, I can't even really smoke that much crack. it makes me feel more nauseous. All I can get is a hit or two and then I have to stop or I puke. Can you believe it?" But then she added, "but the heroin seems to make me feel a little better sometimes."
Guys, I'm so tired. I'm so sad. I went to my homegroup afterwards (NA) and I thought, 'why can't she, too, have this hope, love, freindship, and recovery? what a waste. why can't she just get clean and recover?'
(million dollar question). As usual, she thanked me for helping her (they did give her prescriptions for the nausea and vomitting and an antibiotic just becuase, I guess), and she told me it always cheers her up to see me. I said, "Leah, I love you but it really kicks my ass to see you, every time. When are you gonna get clean so that it can cheer me up, too?" She said, "I don't know. Better be soon." I've heard that before.
I've been on the verge of tears, last night, today... Asking myself "can I just accept it and be OK with it and have a good life if she just keeps using forever and ever??" I think if this thing wasn't so often fatal, It would be a lot easier to answer 'yes' to that.
She asked me, "If I die before you, will you write the story of my life, mom?" I wanted to punch her for a second. Well, if I write anything, it will be the story of my life (she'll be a character in said memoir. I'll be the star!!).
(not my usually self. I didn't argue or fight.) Next thing you know, he pops his head back in and says "Oh, I see from her records that she's HIV positive. Well, I think we'll test her for intestinal parasites and a few other things." So I got everything I wanted. She had blood drawn and stool samples.
Incredibly, the blood work was all entirely normal. Normal white count, normal electrolytes, normal liver enzymes, normal everything. I saw them myself. I can't understand how - she didn't even show up as dehydrated, though they gave her a bag of IV fluids anyway - based on symptoms.
the stool cultures and test for ova & parasites will not come back for 3 days, so maybe an answer will show up there. I don't know, though. I have seen stuff as a nurse, where tests are negative but the patient is sick, and we speculate on this and that - and the patient just eventually gets better and we never know why they were sick.
She looked like total crap. So thin and pale - truly a shell of her former gorgeous self. I knew she was really sick when she said, "You know mom, I can't even really smoke that much crack. it makes me feel more nauseous. All I can get is a hit or two and then I have to stop or I puke. Can you believe it?" But then she added, "but the heroin seems to make me feel a little better sometimes."
Guys, I'm so tired. I'm so sad. I went to my homegroup afterwards (NA) and I thought, 'why can't she, too, have this hope, love, freindship, and recovery? what a waste. why can't she just get clean and recover?'
(million dollar question). As usual, she thanked me for helping her (they did give her prescriptions for the nausea and vomitting and an antibiotic just becuase, I guess), and she told me it always cheers her up to see me. I said, "Leah, I love you but it really kicks my ass to see you, every time. When are you gonna get clean so that it can cheer me up, too?" She said, "I don't know. Better be soon." I've heard that before.
I've been on the verge of tears, last night, today... Asking myself "can I just accept it and be OK with it and have a good life if she just keeps using forever and ever??" I think if this thing wasn't so often fatal, It would be a lot easier to answer 'yes' to that.
She asked me, "If I die before you, will you write the story of my life, mom?" I wanted to punch her for a second. Well, if I write anything, it will be the story of my life (she'll be a character in said memoir. I'll be the star!!).
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Yes~~You are a star Sleepgoat. Any one of us moms that has to endear all this pain for what our kids are putting themselves through is a winner in my book. I'm so sorry your going through all this and having to watch your daughter detereate (sp)). It just kills me. Can I ask you a question?? Your home group is NA? My son's choice is cocaine. I went o one N A meeting and they told me that Alanon would be so better for me. I did enjoy the NA meeting and really got alot of info from everyone there. It would seem that the recovering addicts could help us so much better than alanon. Its so hard for me to focus on myself when I'm so stuck in codendency....but I did good in the last 24 hours. Haven't rescued a soul. LOL I hope all your daughters test come back well and that she does get better soon. Have a good one, Bonnie
((SG)) ((leah))
I hereby declare that today should be an All About YOU day! You sound exhausted from all this... can you take a day to pamper yourself? Treat yourself like you would your very best friend if she had just been thru all of that.
Dr. Cats recommends bubble bath, shopping, manicure, pedicure, lunch with silly girlfriends who will make you laugh until your sides hurt, stopping by a pet store to play with a few puppies...
Oh~ and cheesecake. This day definitely calls for cheesecake.
Hugs
Dr. Cats
I hereby declare that today should be an All About YOU day! You sound exhausted from all this... can you take a day to pamper yourself? Treat yourself like you would your very best friend if she had just been thru all of that.
Dr. Cats recommends bubble bath, shopping, manicure, pedicure, lunch with silly girlfriends who will make you laugh until your sides hurt, stopping by a pet store to play with a few puppies...
Oh~ and cheesecake. This day definitely calls for cheesecake.
Hugs
Dr. Cats
My heart breaks for you and for your daughter. My son is my "R"AS from heroin so I understand the fear of fatality. Being HIV positive doesn't help that for sure. So please know that in my prayers tonight you and your daughter will be at the top of the list of names I'm praying for.
You mention that you wonder if you can accept her in active addiction, if all else has failed for peace maybe give it some more thought on seeing her more ofter, of course make sure your boundaries are in place and she doesn't attempt to take advantage.
Life is too short even for the humans, if one thing fails try another, what can it hurt.
Just my opinion of course and the way I think it might be my opinion for the moment lol
HUGS AND PRAYERS
You mention that you wonder if you can accept her in active addiction, if all else has failed for peace maybe give it some more thought on seeing her more ofter, of course make sure your boundaries are in place and she doesn't attempt to take advantage.
Life is too short even for the humans, if one thing fails try another, what can it hurt.
Just my opinion of course and the way I think it might be my opinion for the moment lol
HUGS AND PRAYERS
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BBD - I'm an addict, too, in recovery - so yeah, my homegroup is an NA meeting. that's always going to be my primary form of recovery, though I come here for the 'mom of an addict' support I need so much.
Cats - Unfortunately, I've gotta work tonight, and I still have my regular chores and stuff to do. But I am having lunch with a girlfriend, and I may just decide to buy myself something at the mall as a reward for getting thru yesterday without smoking and just because!!
Rahsue - You know, I thought that very thing - that maybe i should schedule some times with her when it isn't about illness and doctors - and just take her to lunch (after this flippin' vomitting thing goes away!), because she is still cabable of being loving and pretty good company in spite of her addiction most of the time. Also, thanks very much for the prayers. I believe in prayers a whole lot.
Cats - Unfortunately, I've gotta work tonight, and I still have my regular chores and stuff to do. But I am having lunch with a girlfriend, and I may just decide to buy myself something at the mall as a reward for getting thru yesterday without smoking and just because!!
Rahsue - You know, I thought that very thing - that maybe i should schedule some times with her when it isn't about illness and doctors - and just take her to lunch (after this flippin' vomitting thing goes away!), because she is still cabable of being loving and pretty good company in spite of her addiction most of the time. Also, thanks very much for the prayers. I believe in prayers a whole lot.
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Sleepgoat, I'm so new to this site that I still have to remember who'se who here. It's great that your in recovery and your words alone the way will be so much help to me. The setting up bountries on my end......and being able to stick to them. OK~~Off to gather donations for our benefit this week-end. I love you guys, Your the best!! Bon
The naseau and the runs could all be caused from heroin withdrawl. Maybe she doesnt even realize it. Next time ask her how soon after not using heroin do these symptoms start? Just an observation the whole time I have been following your story I kept saying to myself I wonder if she does heroin cause those are all associated with opiate w/d.
(((Sleepygoat)))) sorry to hear your Leah is still clinging to her addiction as the solution to her life.
I had an awful day with my addict son yesterday too, one that has severed our relationship for awhile; so I know just how you are feeling.
We just have to let go mentally and emotionally. That too is what I will be trying to do today.Watching them destroy theirselves one day at a time is awful.
I was suppose to be driving my son to rehab in a neighboring state today, but instead he bolted, to return to the city where he has almost died from addiction the last two times he went there.
Yes, Sleepygoat, it is back to the story of our own lives.Our children are literally "shells' of their former selves. We must practice acceptance, but that is a bitter pill to swallow.
For our own well-being, we must.
I will pray for yours and mine. For our recovery.
And may God bless our children.
Standing right here beside you in an attempt to get some serenity in the coming days.
My heart aches, my emotions are heavy and I know yours are too.
My son was back at home the last 6 mos. The last mo. as his addiction again spiraled, i got caught in the vortex. I will once again pull myself through. You and I can do this.
I had an awful day with my addict son yesterday too, one that has severed our relationship for awhile; so I know just how you are feeling.
We just have to let go mentally and emotionally. That too is what I will be trying to do today.Watching them destroy theirselves one day at a time is awful.
I was suppose to be driving my son to rehab in a neighboring state today, but instead he bolted, to return to the city where he has almost died from addiction the last two times he went there.
Yes, Sleepygoat, it is back to the story of our own lives.Our children are literally "shells' of their former selves. We must practice acceptance, but that is a bitter pill to swallow.
For our own well-being, we must.
I will pray for yours and mine. For our recovery.
And may God bless our children.
Standing right here beside you in an attempt to get some serenity in the coming days.
My heart aches, my emotions are heavy and I know yours are too.
My son was back at home the last 6 mos. The last mo. as his addiction again spiraled, i got caught in the vortex. I will once again pull myself through. You and I can do this.
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((((hugs)))) - I can't begin to imagine the pain and strength it takes a parent to love and let go of their child. I have said it before, and I'm sure I'll be saying it again - the parents here are spectacular! Really and truly. It does my heart good to hear parents loving their children in healthy ways - from the young-uns, to the grown-uns. I wish for all you parents that you could love your kids clean. As it is, they have a right to live life on their terms, and in my opinion, when you as parents choose to live life on your terms, you are teaching them by example what can be done with life in a healthy way - and that is HUGE! Prayers and hugs to you and your daughter!
I often have the same feelings about my daughter. She was so beautiful and full of life and now all she does is drugs. I have asked myself what if she never gets clean. The sadness becomes overwhelming and so I have to tell myself that I don't have to think in terms of forever, I can just think in terms of today. Today I can make it. I try to no longer think about tomorrow. That helps me to accept things the way they are with my daughter. I can make it through today and that is all I really have anyway. Hope that you find something to take your mind off your daughter and find some joy in today. Hugs, Marle
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Anvil & KJ - thanks for your thoughts on this, but no, its not being dope sick. She knows all about dope sick. she's been a heroin addict for over 18 months and has always been terrified of getting dope sick (though she is from time to time when she doesn't plan stuff right). she knows exactly when and how much - trust me on this. I've listened to her scream and beg and curse and manipulate to avoid being dope sick in the past. Nope, that's not what is going on. If it was, she would simply use some heroin and be fine. she uses heroin and she's not fine. She's a bright girl and we addicts ALWAYS know when we need more of our drug. I do appreciate your thoughts, and your concern, though. I'm still hoping once she has the meds for nausea and diarrhea in her system consistently this will all settle down.
Another thing that it could be is that she got some bad dope. Heroin is cut with some pretty sh*tty stuff. That could be something to think about. My daughter does heroin too and the one thing that she is most afraid of is being dopesick. She says that it is the worst feeling so I am sure that your daughter makes sure she has her supply. But it could be what Anvil has said. I have done some reading on an opiate forum and there are addicts there for which their tolerance to the drug is so high that using just makes them a little less sick. But I also remember times when my daughter was little that she would come down with something and it seemed to last forever but eventually her immune system would kick in and she would start to get better. So this could be drug related or have nothing to do with drugs. Sending some prayers that she gets better. We can still have compassion for our addicts even when their hurting is caused by something that they are doing to themselves. Hugs, Marle
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Seems to me that it is a losing battle when we try to take care of the health of someone who is actively smoking crack and using heroin. My ex is a diabetic now - and a crack head. Crack heads don't take care of themselves and they don't eat right. He wanted to move back in with me. (Of course I said no.)
Just like I can't make him stop using crack, I can't chase him around and make him eat right, take his insulin and manage his diabetes. I also can't be responsible for him when he gets sick because of his poor choices.
That's why Hands Off the Addict is such a helpful thing to remember. Until they hit bottom, there is nothing that we can do. And their health is going to continue to get worse and worse and worse. Until they decide to quit using drugs.
earlier in your post I swear you said that she told you she couldn't get more than a few hits of crack but she felt a little better after she used heroin. Leads me to think it has something to do with the dope... But no matter what, she's just going to get sicker and sicker until she quits.
I'm sorry. That must be hard to hear.
Just like I can't make him stop using crack, I can't chase him around and make him eat right, take his insulin and manage his diabetes. I also can't be responsible for him when he gets sick because of his poor choices.
That's why Hands Off the Addict is such a helpful thing to remember. Until they hit bottom, there is nothing that we can do. And their health is going to continue to get worse and worse and worse. Until they decide to quit using drugs.
earlier in your post I swear you said that she told you she couldn't get more than a few hits of crack but she felt a little better after she used heroin. Leads me to think it has something to do with the dope... But no matter what, she's just going to get sicker and sicker until she quits.
I'm sorry. That must be hard to hear.
Last edited by hello-kitty; 01-31-2008 at 02:19 PM. Reason: spelling
boy are you sure painting a rosy picture there!!! sorry, i'm an addict too.......her body is simply SICK of the dope! i've been sick like a dog for days JUST smoking crack.........and hon, if she's so bright............do i have to finish that sentence? you seem AWFULLY involved in HER addiction..........
I hear the denial I had about my AD. I hope you will see that nothing but total abstinence is what Leah needs. To 'take a little heroin and be ok' is denial of the damage that's being done. Anvilhead is absolutely right. I will say a prayer for you and your AD.
msmom
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There's a saying that at first drugs are fun, then it's fun with problems, then problems with fun, and then just problems. It's possible there may have been a time when she could control it, but she can't anymore.
On the other hand, maybe you're right. It also weakens your body and maybe she really did just have a flu bug.
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I have thought about you and your daughter a lot today. I pray for you to have peace from all of this mess! I also pray for Leah and pray that she wants to get clean.
Have a good luch tomorrow with your friend. Take care of YOU. I know how hard it is to separate from your daughter, but maybe that is what she needs now, I don't know.
You are a good, loving mom.
Hugs
Have a good luch tomorrow with your friend. Take care of YOU. I know how hard it is to separate from your daughter, but maybe that is what she needs now, I don't know.
You are a good, loving mom.
Hugs
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You guys (some of you) are really starting to **** me off. You don't have all the facts but many of you are sure you know exactly what's going on? You KNOW its just impossible that she could have a virus that is hanging on, or one of the intestinal parasites - you KNOW she's dope sick and I'm in denial, enabling, painting a rosy picture (Huh??? I"m afraid she won't make to '09 alive but I'm painting a rosy picture?) When this current illness thing started, I was posting that I wasn't gonna get too involved and you told me it wasn't enabling when it comes to their health and it would be a good idea to help her get the medical help she needs. I listened to that and got involved.
I took her to the ER and dropped her off at her place and that's about it. when I know what's going on I'll let you know (If I ever do - she could just feel better and that will be that)
I took her to the ER and dropped her off at her place and that's about it. when I know what's going on I'll let you know (If I ever do - she could just feel better and that will be that)
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