I made a connection!
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
I made a connection!
Wow! I knew my relationship with my mother was what led me to codependency (not like I always knew the word for it, but that's what it came down to), but tonight I put it together and it was one of those moments of - DUH!
I have it, and I sort of am still getting it. Here it is - as short as I can make it. My mother had something wrong, I don't know what, hormones, bi-polar, paranoid-schizophrenic - don't know, never will. By the time I was 18 she did her last manipulation on me and really pulled out all the stops. I was broken, and I knew it. In my mind I was literally building a room where myself (in my minds eye) could sit in this blank room, staring at the corner not having to deal with anything else. Let me tell you, that scared the living you-know-what out of me. I called my Dad - living across the country at the time, I was hysterical, but he understand enough to know I needed to get out and get away.
I never regretted this decision and over 20 years later have still not spoken to my mother. I used to get "updates" (which honestly, I never cared if she told me or not, they made no difference - which at the time I didn't realize just how good that was for me) from my aunt (her sister) who I was very close to. She (my aunt) passed away this last year, so I don't hear any more. Over the years there were times when the stories my aunt told me my mother sounded normal, but I knew it was temporary. Then there were other stories and she was still doing what she did to me to others - strangers, friends and family members. My aunt never pushed me to talk to my mother again, and never told my mother that we remained close, she knew and understood why I could never allow myself to be open to that sort of pain again and was proud that I stuck up for myself and my right to a sane life. She wished she had done it for herself, and her mother was quite similar.
This is the analogy I think I can use, but bare in mind I really don't know a whole lot about sports. With my mother, she played "rugby". I grew up playing rugby and innately knew the rules. I did what I could to avoid getting hurt from too many direct hits, I learned to guage the feints and pivots and when I could would anticipate (sometimes successfully) the next offensive move. By the time I had played this game for 18 years, I realized all my defensive maneuvering just wasn't enough, I was black and blue and did not like the game and did not want to play anymore - EVER. And I haven't.
So, I meet my husband. I think that he's playing basketball. I don't know how to play basketball, but I try to learn. He never tells me it's basketball, I just assume and do the best I can with what I know about the game. It's similar to rugby, but not enough for me to realize that the same maneuvers and some of the rules apply. I keep playing basketball with him - no one else will, so I try even harder. He just keeps faking to the left, then running down the court to the right making a 3 point shot every time. I am left exhausted and winded every time, because no matter how hard I try, I cannot seem to get a handle on the game. I finally say I want to quit, I just can't do it.
And then I learn the truth, he finally tells me he's been playing football the whole time! Those three-point shots were passes to a receiver and that's why he kept winning. The game was so similar to rugby, and I just didn't see it because I didn't know football existed!
I still want to quit the game, basketball or football, it doesn't matter, I don't like playing, I don't know the rules, and all it does is just leave me black and blue ... but, I do have to play one game, now knowing it's football, before I can finally quit "the team". This is what makes me nervous, I've been playing it, I've not been good at it, and now that I know what the game really is, I've been studying the rules like crazy, and even though I "know" them, putting them into play will be difficult because I don't have much practice under my belt with all the rules, but I have to do it. I'm going to have to fake it as best I can. I think I might have a few key plays memorized enough to get through it, I'm just hoping I can make it to the final winning touch-down without too many bruises and scrapes.
Does this make any sense? I am overwhelmed in one sense, but with your help, and everything else, I do know some of the "new" rules, but like it or not, and ready or not - I have to go forward with this game. I might be able to send in the atty. here and there to take on some of the bigger plays, but ultimately it's my game.
I'm ready (even though I'm not in a sense). I could put this game off, but the one thing I am very clear about is that I DON'T LIKE FOOTBALL AND NEVER WILL! I want to get this game over with because I am exhausted! I will learn the rules to football eventually however, because the rules are good life lessons - that will not change, but I certainly hope I will not continue to learn the rules to play another game!
I have it, and I sort of am still getting it. Here it is - as short as I can make it. My mother had something wrong, I don't know what, hormones, bi-polar, paranoid-schizophrenic - don't know, never will. By the time I was 18 she did her last manipulation on me and really pulled out all the stops. I was broken, and I knew it. In my mind I was literally building a room where myself (in my minds eye) could sit in this blank room, staring at the corner not having to deal with anything else. Let me tell you, that scared the living you-know-what out of me. I called my Dad - living across the country at the time, I was hysterical, but he understand enough to know I needed to get out and get away.
I never regretted this decision and over 20 years later have still not spoken to my mother. I used to get "updates" (which honestly, I never cared if she told me or not, they made no difference - which at the time I didn't realize just how good that was for me) from my aunt (her sister) who I was very close to. She (my aunt) passed away this last year, so I don't hear any more. Over the years there were times when the stories my aunt told me my mother sounded normal, but I knew it was temporary. Then there were other stories and she was still doing what she did to me to others - strangers, friends and family members. My aunt never pushed me to talk to my mother again, and never told my mother that we remained close, she knew and understood why I could never allow myself to be open to that sort of pain again and was proud that I stuck up for myself and my right to a sane life. She wished she had done it for herself, and her mother was quite similar.
This is the analogy I think I can use, but bare in mind I really don't know a whole lot about sports. With my mother, she played "rugby". I grew up playing rugby and innately knew the rules. I did what I could to avoid getting hurt from too many direct hits, I learned to guage the feints and pivots and when I could would anticipate (sometimes successfully) the next offensive move. By the time I had played this game for 18 years, I realized all my defensive maneuvering just wasn't enough, I was black and blue and did not like the game and did not want to play anymore - EVER. And I haven't.
So, I meet my husband. I think that he's playing basketball. I don't know how to play basketball, but I try to learn. He never tells me it's basketball, I just assume and do the best I can with what I know about the game. It's similar to rugby, but not enough for me to realize that the same maneuvers and some of the rules apply. I keep playing basketball with him - no one else will, so I try even harder. He just keeps faking to the left, then running down the court to the right making a 3 point shot every time. I am left exhausted and winded every time, because no matter how hard I try, I cannot seem to get a handle on the game. I finally say I want to quit, I just can't do it.
And then I learn the truth, he finally tells me he's been playing football the whole time! Those three-point shots were passes to a receiver and that's why he kept winning. The game was so similar to rugby, and I just didn't see it because I didn't know football existed!
I still want to quit the game, basketball or football, it doesn't matter, I don't like playing, I don't know the rules, and all it does is just leave me black and blue ... but, I do have to play one game, now knowing it's football, before I can finally quit "the team". This is what makes me nervous, I've been playing it, I've not been good at it, and now that I know what the game really is, I've been studying the rules like crazy, and even though I "know" them, putting them into play will be difficult because I don't have much practice under my belt with all the rules, but I have to do it. I'm going to have to fake it as best I can. I think I might have a few key plays memorized enough to get through it, I'm just hoping I can make it to the final winning touch-down without too many bruises and scrapes.
Does this make any sense? I am overwhelmed in one sense, but with your help, and everything else, I do know some of the "new" rules, but like it or not, and ready or not - I have to go forward with this game. I might be able to send in the atty. here and there to take on some of the bigger plays, but ultimately it's my game.
I'm ready (even though I'm not in a sense). I could put this game off, but the one thing I am very clear about is that I DON'T LIKE FOOTBALL AND NEVER WILL! I want to get this game over with because I am exhausted! I will learn the rules to football eventually however, because the rules are good life lessons - that will not change, but I certainly hope I will not continue to learn the rules to play another game!
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
whew, you really are making me think today lol
I understand, I think, the only thing you have ever done (learned) and knew you were not good at it and then you meet someone and think your playing a new game (that you can deal with) but ends up being the same kind of games with different rules(you're too tired to learn crap again) so your even more confused about your life now
Did I get it?
There is a book I and most people here at SR have read, it's called, "codependency nomore" it would be a great start for you to get this book
I understand, I think, the only thing you have ever done (learned) and knew you were not good at it and then you meet someone and think your playing a new game (that you can deal with) but ends up being the same kind of games with different rules(you're too tired to learn crap again) so your even more confused about your life now
Did I get it?
There is a book I and most people here at SR have read, it's called, "codependency nomore" it would be a great start for you to get this book
Trying to get out of God's way
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Freeland Michigan
Posts: 60
WOW C - that was some analogy! But I DO get the part where you went "DUH"...it is the same feeling I had reading "What Addicts Do" at the bottom where it says "STOP BEING SURPRISED" - because I always am..."he was doing so well" "how can he do this to ME" - you get the picture.
I hope everything works out for you whatever game you choose to play...
:praying
I hope everything works out for you whatever game you choose to play...
:praying
'Round and 'Round I Go....
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 478
I totally understand your analogy.
When we've lived our life a certain way it becomes so ingrained into us that it's not just a part of us...it is us. We realize we have our own issues and faults...we kind of know where they come from...but we don't truly see what exactly it is that we have and where it came from without some self reflection and analyzing. We usually go day to day living the way we live and when something comes up we just slap a label on it like when I clean my house, I clean as if I'm doing a spring cleaning - - EVERYTIME!! I will stay up till the next morning cleaning (on the weekend, atleast once a month) if I have to. I always say...yeah I know, I'm obsessive and anal. But you know what?! I know this came from my mom - - I won't get into that. My point is, yes...now that we've gained this knowledge and we've analyzed it...what are we going to do about it. You are doing something good with yours. You've not only recognized it, you also have a plan to work on it and do what you feel you need to with it. That is a good thing. Life is a game...play it well.
When we've lived our life a certain way it becomes so ingrained into us that it's not just a part of us...it is us. We realize we have our own issues and faults...we kind of know where they come from...but we don't truly see what exactly it is that we have and where it came from without some self reflection and analyzing. We usually go day to day living the way we live and when something comes up we just slap a label on it like when I clean my house, I clean as if I'm doing a spring cleaning - - EVERYTIME!! I will stay up till the next morning cleaning (on the weekend, atleast once a month) if I have to. I always say...yeah I know, I'm obsessive and anal. But you know what?! I know this came from my mom - - I won't get into that. My point is, yes...now that we've gained this knowledge and we've analyzed it...what are we going to do about it. You are doing something good with yours. You've not only recognized it, you also have a plan to work on it and do what you feel you need to with it. That is a good thing. Life is a game...play it well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Thanks guys - Yeah, putting it together up there, I sort of forgot to string the two things together - rugby and football, similar - just not quite the same so the same rules don't all apply! Anyhow, I'll do it, I'll get through it, I just wish I "felt" as solid as I did when I walked away from my rugby days is all. I had more time with that to absolutely KNOW things would never change because she was doing nothing to change them. It is in one sense exactly the same - I just haven't lived with knowing for quite long enough and knowing it and KNOWING it, are 2 different things. Honestly - while things have to happen when I'm good and ready - most of me is good and ready, and let's face facts - if I don't get going on this, we are going to go down fast Ithink. He has been to work 2 days this week, and doesn't look like he's going anymore. Life is life, money is money, bills have to be paid, credit counts, etc. Anyhow - off I go (I do work everyday) - thanks for the input, I can always use it - helps me clarify to myself what it is and how it is and what exactly I'm going to do about it! At least start a plan!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
c-d,
this is a fascinating analogy! really good, and i get it completely. i find that i understand things better when they are in "story" form.
a friend of mine with a borderline mother had to do the same thing you did concerning your mother: no contact. she finally realized the insanity her mother constantly provoked in her life was never ever going to change, and was doing tremendous damage. i'm so glad you knew how to save your own life.
and the insight into playing the "game" with your husband...but only he knows what game it is and what the rules are and how to stay one step ahead of you so he wins every time. this is one of the most important things i am really learning for myself. in one of my favorite books on addiction--"it's not okay to be a cannibal"--the authors say the addict is ALWAYS ten steps ahead of you, is always winning the game, covering his tracks. i am finally getting this.
but a useful phrase i have learned recently is "once you know, you know." so now i know: if someone is in active addiction, he is a liar. if someone is in active addiction, he is keeping a million secrets. if someone is in active addiction, he's playing his own game with his own rules and i will NEVER outmaneuver him.
but once you know, you know. so, now that i know, what do i do? that is where our responsibility to recover our values, our principles for living, comes in. once we know for sure that addiction is the root of the chaos in our lives, then we have as much personal responsibility as the addict to deal with it and to get better. i do not like the labels people slap on anyone who is in any way connected with an addict. but i do accept and know that addiction is a pervasive poison, and the addict is not the only one who is made emotionally ill by it. me too. i have to get well. anyone waiting around and complaining about the addict not doing this or that...and at the same time she is also not doing what it takes to deal with the impact of the illness on HER.....hasn't much room to complain, IMO. it is a family illness. everyone gets sick. everyone has a responsibility to address it.
good for you, c-d. i love your thinking.
this is a fascinating analogy! really good, and i get it completely. i find that i understand things better when they are in "story" form.
a friend of mine with a borderline mother had to do the same thing you did concerning your mother: no contact. she finally realized the insanity her mother constantly provoked in her life was never ever going to change, and was doing tremendous damage. i'm so glad you knew how to save your own life.
and the insight into playing the "game" with your husband...but only he knows what game it is and what the rules are and how to stay one step ahead of you so he wins every time. this is one of the most important things i am really learning for myself. in one of my favorite books on addiction--"it's not okay to be a cannibal"--the authors say the addict is ALWAYS ten steps ahead of you, is always winning the game, covering his tracks. i am finally getting this.
but a useful phrase i have learned recently is "once you know, you know." so now i know: if someone is in active addiction, he is a liar. if someone is in active addiction, he is keeping a million secrets. if someone is in active addiction, he's playing his own game with his own rules and i will NEVER outmaneuver him.
but once you know, you know. so, now that i know, what do i do? that is where our responsibility to recover our values, our principles for living, comes in. once we know for sure that addiction is the root of the chaos in our lives, then we have as much personal responsibility as the addict to deal with it and to get better. i do not like the labels people slap on anyone who is in any way connected with an addict. but i do accept and know that addiction is a pervasive poison, and the addict is not the only one who is made emotionally ill by it. me too. i have to get well. anyone waiting around and complaining about the addict not doing this or that...and at the same time she is also not doing what it takes to deal with the impact of the illness on HER.....hasn't much room to complain, IMO. it is a family illness. everyone gets sick. everyone has a responsibility to address it.
good for you, c-d. i love your thinking.
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i thin k you will catch on to this game as you called it really fast.this is actually a roller coaster & i am just slowing down after alot of really hard work on my self. i am the only person i can change. stay with us. you are going to be fine.
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