My First Visit Here
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Hampton Roads, VA
Posts: 68
My First Visit Here
Hey All,
I used to read these boards ages ago but recently things have deteriorated in my family again and I could use some support.
My husband is an addict. We have been married almost 8 years. The first 3 years of our marriage were the usual family hell that come with the disease. Finally in the fall of 03 my husband went into rehab and spent a year seriously working a program of recovery. It wasn't easy we actually separated for awhile because he developed an inappropriate relationship with a woman in NA.
He moved out of our house wanted an divorce no questions asked and when I finally let go it was only a matter of time before he returned home and we began to work on our marriage. At the time our therapist had said his relationship with this woman was his substitute for drugs.
Fast forward to fall of 04 we were in therapy together and both going to our respective meetings things were better than ever. Then the circumstances of our life changed, we both got new jobs and slowly he let his recovery go. He hasn't been to a meeting in nearly 3 years and has been steadily going down hill since.
This past October he had surgery on his shoulder due to an injury he sustained at work. He expected that he would heal and bounce back within weeks despite what the doctor had told him contrary.
Well as time passed the more angry he became at his situation not working and being pain. He started focusing on everything I do or don't do that pisses him off. I recognized that he was angry over something that really didn't have anything to do with me but figured it would pass once he got healthy again.
FF to early Dec. I was unable to attend his xmas party for his work due to a prior engagement that I had made months before. I didn't know this at the time but he put an ad on Craigs List and got himself a date for the party. How humiliating he took another woman to a function where his co-workers all know me.
He took off to Vegas and then came home and out of the blue said he was sick of being miserable that he didn't want to be with me anymore and that our marriage was over.
I know this behavior shouldn't surprise me considering his lack of recovery and being wrapped up in the stinking thinking of addiction.
Just like when he used drugs I have been begging him to get help and recognize his part all to no avail.
My therapist says e may not be using drugs but he is consumed in his disease and just substituting one thing for another way to get high.
Regardless, I know it's not about me, I know it's not my fault, and I know I have to let it go but I'm just having a hard time wrapping my head around him just one day out of the blue deciding he doesn't love me anymore and telling everyone we have been miserable for ages even though we aven't. I mean he never asked me, he never said anything just one day decided he was done and cut me out of his life.
I have been living in hell ever since. My therapist says he never really suffers any consequence for anything he does since I am still here despite his emotional abuse.
He is going away in a few weeks and when he returns I will have moved out of our beautiful house & walked away from our life in an effort to save myself. I keep reminding myself how I am dying a slow death in this relationship but I am still doubting that I will be making the right move.
He has violated our marriage and won't even admit he has done anything wrong. Why am I worried about how mad he will be when I am gone? Why am I so worried that he will never realize the mistake he has made?
I am a good person and everyone keeps telling me how when I am with him he takes away from all that is good about me. He makes me forget who I am.
I feel like a fool and know I should be concerned about getting on with things for myself but my own sick mind is making me doubt myself.
Anyway thanks for listening and for your support.
I used to read these boards ages ago but recently things have deteriorated in my family again and I could use some support.
My husband is an addict. We have been married almost 8 years. The first 3 years of our marriage were the usual family hell that come with the disease. Finally in the fall of 03 my husband went into rehab and spent a year seriously working a program of recovery. It wasn't easy we actually separated for awhile because he developed an inappropriate relationship with a woman in NA.
He moved out of our house wanted an divorce no questions asked and when I finally let go it was only a matter of time before he returned home and we began to work on our marriage. At the time our therapist had said his relationship with this woman was his substitute for drugs.
Fast forward to fall of 04 we were in therapy together and both going to our respective meetings things were better than ever. Then the circumstances of our life changed, we both got new jobs and slowly he let his recovery go. He hasn't been to a meeting in nearly 3 years and has been steadily going down hill since.
This past October he had surgery on his shoulder due to an injury he sustained at work. He expected that he would heal and bounce back within weeks despite what the doctor had told him contrary.
Well as time passed the more angry he became at his situation not working and being pain. He started focusing on everything I do or don't do that pisses him off. I recognized that he was angry over something that really didn't have anything to do with me but figured it would pass once he got healthy again.
FF to early Dec. I was unable to attend his xmas party for his work due to a prior engagement that I had made months before. I didn't know this at the time but he put an ad on Craigs List and got himself a date for the party. How humiliating he took another woman to a function where his co-workers all know me.
He took off to Vegas and then came home and out of the blue said he was sick of being miserable that he didn't want to be with me anymore and that our marriage was over.
I know this behavior shouldn't surprise me considering his lack of recovery and being wrapped up in the stinking thinking of addiction.
Just like when he used drugs I have been begging him to get help and recognize his part all to no avail.
My therapist says e may not be using drugs but he is consumed in his disease and just substituting one thing for another way to get high.
Regardless, I know it's not about me, I know it's not my fault, and I know I have to let it go but I'm just having a hard time wrapping my head around him just one day out of the blue deciding he doesn't love me anymore and telling everyone we have been miserable for ages even though we aven't. I mean he never asked me, he never said anything just one day decided he was done and cut me out of his life.
I have been living in hell ever since. My therapist says he never really suffers any consequence for anything he does since I am still here despite his emotional abuse.
He is going away in a few weeks and when he returns I will have moved out of our beautiful house & walked away from our life in an effort to save myself. I keep reminding myself how I am dying a slow death in this relationship but I am still doubting that I will be making the right move.
He has violated our marriage and won't even admit he has done anything wrong. Why am I worried about how mad he will be when I am gone? Why am I so worried that he will never realize the mistake he has made?
I am a good person and everyone keeps telling me how when I am with him he takes away from all that is good about me. He makes me forget who I am.
I feel like a fool and know I should be concerned about getting on with things for myself but my own sick mind is making me doubt myself.
Anyway thanks for listening and for your support.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome to SR, I'm sorry your life is falling apart but you have found a wonderful place here with people who understand.
My son is my addict but others will be along who have been where you are.
One thing I remember someone saying here is that as painful as it is to walk away, that pain ends one day and life becomes beautiful again. Staying in the prison of addiction is painful every day.
Sending you big hugs and lots of prayers that you find a better way to live, because you are worth so much more than all this.
Hugs
My son is my addict but others will be along who have been where you are.
One thing I remember someone saying here is that as painful as it is to walk away, that pain ends one day and life becomes beautiful again. Staying in the prison of addiction is painful every day.
Sending you big hugs and lots of prayers that you find a better way to live, because you are worth so much more than all this.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it. It's not your fault! Unfortunately, letting go is hard but once you stop looking back, moving on is much easier.
Your therapist sounds like one smart cookie! I suggest listening to your therapist and not your "sick" mind. Has she told you about "positive self-talk" yet? Cuz I don't think you sound like a fool at all and I don't think you should call yourself that. You seem like a loving devoted wife who has tried everything to make her marriage work. And unfortunately, your husband didn't. He's the fool. Not you.
(((hugs)))
Your therapist sounds like one smart cookie! I suggest listening to your therapist and not your "sick" mind. Has she told you about "positive self-talk" yet? Cuz I don't think you sound like a fool at all and I don't think you should call yourself that. You seem like a loving devoted wife who has tried everything to make her marriage work. And unfortunately, your husband didn't. He's the fool. Not you.
(((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: ca
Posts: 103
Welcome to SR. Sounds like you have been dealing with this for a lot longer than I have. My husband is the addict in my life and we have recently separated. I have found the saying "it's always darkest before the dawn" to be so true in my life. Not too long ago I felt broken, hopeless, and a fool. Just when I thought I was down for good I saw light, a tiny peep hole. Each day gets better as I seek for a strength greater than my own and I know it will for you, too.
Praying for serenity...
Praying for serenity...
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Hey SS,
Welcome to SR. I'm glad you found this place. There is such great support and wisdom here, so I hope you'll read around. You'll probably read some stories very similar to yours.
I'm so sorry your marriage is so shaky. Seems that is what happens when active addiction is present.
I am the mother of an addicted daughter so I can't speak personally to the marriage issue.
I can say I've heard others on here say that maybe a person should ask the question, "Is this what I want for the rest of my life?" I know there are so many wives who are hurting so, reeling from the husband's actions, yet the husband seems to be just fine. Maybe this would be a good time to start looking at what YOU want for your life. Not looking at what you'd like HIM to be, but what you'd like out of life. Do you want an active addict for a husband? Do you want a husband who takes another woman to a party?
Recovery is for both the addicted and the ones who are affected by the addiction. If you don't go to face to face meetings, I'd recommend them. They have really helped me save my sanity.
I hope to see you around some more.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Welcome to SR. I'm glad you found this place. There is such great support and wisdom here, so I hope you'll read around. You'll probably read some stories very similar to yours.
I'm so sorry your marriage is so shaky. Seems that is what happens when active addiction is present.
I am the mother of an addicted daughter so I can't speak personally to the marriage issue.
I can say I've heard others on here say that maybe a person should ask the question, "Is this what I want for the rest of my life?" I know there are so many wives who are hurting so, reeling from the husband's actions, yet the husband seems to be just fine. Maybe this would be a good time to start looking at what YOU want for your life. Not looking at what you'd like HIM to be, but what you'd like out of life. Do you want an active addict for a husband? Do you want a husband who takes another woman to a party?
Recovery is for both the addicted and the ones who are affected by the addiction. If you don't go to face to face meetings, I'd recommend them. They have really helped me save my sanity.
I hope to see you around some more.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Hi Serenity...and welcome to SR.
The addict in my life is my exhusband.
I left my exah in January of 2005 with our (then) 5 yr old little boy in tow.
Man, was I a wreck. I stumbled upon this site just two months later and it has been a true source of comfort and strength for me. I hope it will be for you too.
The only thing I know for sure is that my life has improved by leaps and bounds since I left and started putting my energy into ME and our little boy instead of HIM and HIS problems. I learned to let go of all of the old problems and focus on the positive and I can honestly say that I am happy and content today and I would have NEVER thought it possible at the time I walked away.
Hold your head up. Try to find things that you love to do that you have let go of or abandoned while dealing with HIS problems and the problems in your marriage. You were a whole, complete person all on your own before the marriage and you can be that way again. Its true. It really is.
Welcome again...I hope you stick around and I look forward to getting to know you better.
The addict in my life is my exhusband.
I left my exah in January of 2005 with our (then) 5 yr old little boy in tow.
Man, was I a wreck. I stumbled upon this site just two months later and it has been a true source of comfort and strength for me. I hope it will be for you too.
The only thing I know for sure is that my life has improved by leaps and bounds since I left and started putting my energy into ME and our little boy instead of HIM and HIS problems. I learned to let go of all of the old problems and focus on the positive and I can honestly say that I am happy and content today and I would have NEVER thought it possible at the time I walked away.
Hold your head up. Try to find things that you love to do that you have let go of or abandoned while dealing with HIS problems and the problems in your marriage. You were a whole, complete person all on your own before the marriage and you can be that way again. Its true. It really is.
Welcome again...I hope you stick around and I look forward to getting to know you better.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
dear serenity,
what a beautiful, honest letter. really, you sound so good in spite of the pain and confusion, i just know you will be all right. your commitment and depth of forgiveness and courage are to be admired.
when someone is an addict but does not yet know it, i find i am able to "accept" the insanity better, since the person is so delusional.
but anyone who has had even a little treatment or recovery knows what he needs to know. from then on, it is his responsibility to get well. this means hard rigorous daily spiritual work and plenty of amends and unfailing honesty.
your husband knows what he needs to know and he is making a conscious decision to blow it off. you don't need to feel sorry for him anymore. he has been offered a chance for recovery through rehab and meetings. he is choosing the easy way. and everyone knows it will just take him down.
you will be stronger than ever and wiser than ever and will find a life where you can live out all that love in your heart. he will keep doing what he has chosen now to do: stay an addict, live an addict life. i always hold out hope for recovery and reconciliation, if an addict is making numerous attempts to live sober. your husband doesn't seem to give a d***. and you do: about love and about honor and i wish for you all the blessings of a new beginning for you.
what a beautiful, honest letter. really, you sound so good in spite of the pain and confusion, i just know you will be all right. your commitment and depth of forgiveness and courage are to be admired.
when someone is an addict but does not yet know it, i find i am able to "accept" the insanity better, since the person is so delusional.
but anyone who has had even a little treatment or recovery knows what he needs to know. from then on, it is his responsibility to get well. this means hard rigorous daily spiritual work and plenty of amends and unfailing honesty.
your husband knows what he needs to know and he is making a conscious decision to blow it off. you don't need to feel sorry for him anymore. he has been offered a chance for recovery through rehab and meetings. he is choosing the easy way. and everyone knows it will just take him down.
you will be stronger than ever and wiser than ever and will find a life where you can live out all that love in your heart. he will keep doing what he has chosen now to do: stay an addict, live an addict life. i always hold out hope for recovery and reconciliation, if an addict is making numerous attempts to live sober. your husband doesn't seem to give a d***. and you do: about love and about honor and i wish for you all the blessings of a new beginning for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Hampton Roads, VA
Posts: 68
Thanks to everyone for your support. Everytime I question what is about to happen I have to remind myself that this is a person who solicited for a girlfriend on a less than reputable website and is continuing his involvement and continuing to lie and told a mutal friend he doesn't know why I'm hurt or angry.
This is not the type of person I need in my life especially as the person I'm married to.
I just keep repeating the serenity prayer and counting the days until I make my escape.
This is not the type of person I need in my life especially as the person I'm married to.
I just keep repeating the serenity prayer and counting the days until I make my escape.
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