1st time here
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: OK
Posts: 4
1st time here
My story -
I think I am writing this for myself to actually see it in print. I’ve never wrote down my feeling before about all of this.
My Husband and I started dating when we were 15. At 19, we had a child who is now almost 15.
My husband is a crack addict, coke, sometimes meth or whatever he can get his hands on.
I don’t like it.
My son has no idea the true depths of our issues. He know daddy doesn’t come home on Friday, but I suspect that he thinks it’s alcohol.
My husband, like everyone else’s, is a loving, hard working man - when he’s not high.
It’s usually Fridays night, payday.
He tells me he doesn’t understand what the problem is - as long as he’s home Saturday - Thursday.
His lifestyle doesn’t affect anyone but him.
I’m not worried about the money he spends. I’m worried about him.
I honestly don’t know what to do.
I already did the whole “I’m leaving thing” he did the “I’ll stop thing”.
If either of those really worked, I wouldn’t be here right now writing this.
Deep down I don’t want to leave, but I feel I should, it’s the right thing. To get away.
There is no physical abuse going on, not that it makes any of this better.
Well, I had hoped by writing this, I’d find an answer, but no, that didn’t work out either.
NK
I think I am writing this for myself to actually see it in print. I’ve never wrote down my feeling before about all of this.
My Husband and I started dating when we were 15. At 19, we had a child who is now almost 15.
My husband is a crack addict, coke, sometimes meth or whatever he can get his hands on.
I don’t like it.
My son has no idea the true depths of our issues. He know daddy doesn’t come home on Friday, but I suspect that he thinks it’s alcohol.
My husband, like everyone else’s, is a loving, hard working man - when he’s not high.
It’s usually Fridays night, payday.
He tells me he doesn’t understand what the problem is - as long as he’s home Saturday - Thursday.
His lifestyle doesn’t affect anyone but him.
I’m not worried about the money he spends. I’m worried about him.
I honestly don’t know what to do.
I already did the whole “I’m leaving thing” he did the “I’ll stop thing”.
If either of those really worked, I wouldn’t be here right now writing this.
Deep down I don’t want to leave, but I feel I should, it’s the right thing. To get away.
There is no physical abuse going on, not that it makes any of this better.
Well, I had hoped by writing this, I’d find an answer, but no, that didn’t work out either.
NK
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((wife))
welcome to SR. So very glad that you have reached out to join our family - hate that you and your family have been affected by this horrible addiction, but still glad that you are here with us.
For me, I have found great help in this site, friends that are now like family to help me deal with my loved ones that are alcoholics and addicts. Thru SR and my f2f (face to face) Al-Anon meetings, I have gained a deeper understanding of my HP (Higher Power), more confidence in myself and the ability to make decisions for my best welfare.
Please keep posting, reading others post and reaching out for help- that is what I have found has helped me to live life, happy, joyous and free regardless of what the alcoholics and addicts in my life are doing at this time in their lives. Doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt - I just have been given healthier ways to handle it.
Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita
welcome to SR. So very glad that you have reached out to join our family - hate that you and your family have been affected by this horrible addiction, but still glad that you are here with us.
For me, I have found great help in this site, friends that are now like family to help me deal with my loved ones that are alcoholics and addicts. Thru SR and my f2f (face to face) Al-Anon meetings, I have gained a deeper understanding of my HP (Higher Power), more confidence in myself and the ability to make decisions for my best welfare.
Please keep posting, reading others post and reaching out for help- that is what I have found has helped me to live life, happy, joyous and free regardless of what the alcoholics and addicts in my life are doing at this time in their lives. Doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt - I just have been given healthier ways to handle it.
Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita
Ghetto-Tastic-Ski-Queen
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 27
I’m not worried about the money he spends. I’m worried about him.
______________+++++++++++++____________
wow, what about your son?
my rents made me stop doing meth a couple years ago, somethin
like that. you know how bad that stuff is. I was 14 when I tried
it, cuz my friends dad gave it to us.
better check yourself.
don't mean to be mean.
but sheezazzle man, your not livin in the real world when it comes to drugs maam.
with all due respect. for real.
if it was my dad who was smokin meth, my mom would have thrown him out
on his ass. you cant have that stuff around your kid.
plus crak? that is crazification.
sorry not trying to be mean.
:ghug
______________+++++++++++++____________
wow, what about your son?
my rents made me stop doing meth a couple years ago, somethin
like that. you know how bad that stuff is. I was 14 when I tried
it, cuz my friends dad gave it to us.
better check yourself.
don't mean to be mean.
but sheezazzle man, your not livin in the real world when it comes to drugs maam.
with all due respect. for real.
if it was my dad who was smokin meth, my mom would have thrown him out
on his ass. you cant have that stuff around your kid.
plus crak? that is crazification.
sorry not trying to be mean.
:ghug
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Hi and welcome.
Others will be along. Here is the advice I would give you:
1st, pick up the book, "CoDependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. Read it. I found this verey helpful.
2nd, you need to learn to take the pfocus off of him and put it on you and your child. This does not mean you need to leave him. It means you need to learn how to detach and take care of you.
You are already in the first step of your recovery by recognizing you are not able to control his drug use.
If I were you I would take my pain to an AlAnon or NarAnon meeting where you will find peole who are hurting just like you. AlAnon and Nar Anon work similarly with AlAnon meetings a lot more common. No, he is not an alcoholic.. he is a drug addict, but trust me.. the things you need to do to be happy have nothing to do with his drug of choice (alcohol or coke or crack). You will earn about this at AlAnon as well as NarAnon.
I am sorry you are suffering so with this. Coming here is a good first step. Read the stickies at the top of the forum and keep coming back. It can get better if you want it to!
Others will be along. Here is the advice I would give you:
1st, pick up the book, "CoDependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. Read it. I found this verey helpful.
2nd, you need to learn to take the pfocus off of him and put it on you and your child. This does not mean you need to leave him. It means you need to learn how to detach and take care of you.
You are already in the first step of your recovery by recognizing you are not able to control his drug use.
If I were you I would take my pain to an AlAnon or NarAnon meeting where you will find peole who are hurting just like you. AlAnon and Nar Anon work similarly with AlAnon meetings a lot more common. No, he is not an alcoholic.. he is a drug addict, but trust me.. the things you need to do to be happy have nothing to do with his drug of choice (alcohol or coke or crack). You will earn about this at AlAnon as well as NarAnon.
I am sorry you are suffering so with this. Coming here is a good first step. Read the stickies at the top of the forum and keep coming back. It can get better if you want it to!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Northern California
Posts: 57
What's already been said is great--especially about checking out programs like Naranon, coming here, reading the stickies--things like that can make a world of difference.
And the key to focusing on *you* is that this is the one thing you can control. You can set boundaries and follow through with them. He may not be abusing you, but he's disrespecting you, your home, your children...right? Can you keep putting up with that, and all of the possible worse consequences (jail, worsening addiction, more lying, and on and on)? If not, can you walk away?
Those are some of the hardest questions any of us has had to deal with. I've been on both sides of this alcholism/addiction thing--my own alcoholism and my spouse's addiction--and *nothing* was as tough as dealing with my spouse's addiction. That's why getting help from others is central to survival. Survival and growth, even--I'm a stronger person for all of it, and so are many of us. So check out some programs and keep coming back!
And the key to focusing on *you* is that this is the one thing you can control. You can set boundaries and follow through with them. He may not be abusing you, but he's disrespecting you, your home, your children...right? Can you keep putting up with that, and all of the possible worse consequences (jail, worsening addiction, more lying, and on and on)? If not, can you walk away?
Those are some of the hardest questions any of us has had to deal with. I've been on both sides of this alcholism/addiction thing--my own alcoholism and my spouse's addiction--and *nothing* was as tough as dealing with my spouse's addiction. That's why getting help from others is central to survival. Survival and growth, even--I'm a stronger person for all of it, and so are many of us. So check out some programs and keep coming back!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: OK
Posts: 4
[QUOTE=Snowbunny;1656756]I’m not worried about the money he spends. I’m worried about him.
______________+++++++++++++____________
wow, what about your son?
I am doing my best to try and keep all this seperate from him.
My husband is good father and my guilt lies with taking him away from my son.
That's my main malfunction here. I don't know what to do.
______________+++++++++++++____________
wow, what about your son?
I am doing my best to try and keep all this seperate from him.
My husband is good father and my guilt lies with taking him away from my son.
That's my main malfunction here. I don't know what to do.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
(((((CW))))
Welcome! I have a crack problem too..my H will use it at the drop of the hat...but you know who told me he was using? My son when he was 10 years old told me...
You can't keep this from him he probably knows way more than you do by now. Kids see everything that goes on please don't think your son does not know more than he's telling you. I know if a 10 year old can tell me mom he's doing crack than your 15 year old is very likely to know way more than he lets on.
Addiction is a disease of secretes and lies and I think the less you talk to him about the more likely he will start using too err... ummm... are you sure he is not using too?? I would be very suspicious of my son if he did not talk about what is going on at home.
Welcome! I have a crack problem too..my H will use it at the drop of the hat...but you know who told me he was using? My son when he was 10 years old told me...
You can't keep this from him he probably knows way more than you do by now. Kids see everything that goes on please don't think your son does not know more than he's telling you. I know if a 10 year old can tell me mom he's doing crack than your 15 year old is very likely to know way more than he lets on.
Addiction is a disease of secretes and lies and I think the less you talk to him about the more likely he will start using too err... ummm... are you sure he is not using too?? I would be very suspicious of my son if he did not talk about what is going on at home.
'Round and 'Round I Go....
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 478
Welcome and I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here.
I'm sorry that I'm going to cut to the chase but....
You don't need to take your son away from your husband...your husband is already taking himself away from his son and his wife. I was married to a crack and cocaine addict. This disease is progressive and these drugs will have no mercy on your husband or his family. Slowly one day will turn into two...two into three...then maybe more or maybe not...maybe he'll find it in his heart to bestow upon you active use in the home like my husband did so you and your son can get a first hand look at what he's doing and how it affects his emotional, mental and physical behavior. But..he'll start off slow by coming home high one day.
I'm not trying to convince you to leave and I'm not trying to prepare you because there is no way to prepare for what's ahead. I'm just informing you on the trend of progressive active addiction.
No matter what you do just make sure it is always in the best interest of yourself and your son.
I'm sorry that I'm going to cut to the chase but....
You don't need to take your son away from your husband...your husband is already taking himself away from his son and his wife. I was married to a crack and cocaine addict. This disease is progressive and these drugs will have no mercy on your husband or his family. Slowly one day will turn into two...two into three...then maybe more or maybe not...maybe he'll find it in his heart to bestow upon you active use in the home like my husband did so you and your son can get a first hand look at what he's doing and how it affects his emotional, mental and physical behavior. But..he'll start off slow by coming home high one day.
I'm not trying to convince you to leave and I'm not trying to prepare you because there is no way to prepare for what's ahead. I'm just informing you on the trend of progressive active addiction.
No matter what you do just make sure it is always in the best interest of yourself and your son.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Okanagan BC
Posts: 328
Welcome! read around this forum. You will see many similar stories. Our addicts are all great people when they are not using, we love them. My ex was funny, kind, loving, worked hard, went to all of our kids events, he was perfect for me! He did coke then crack, it is very progressive. First it was every two weeks, (paydays) then it became more and more often, in the end it was more often than not. I felt guilty for thinking of disrupting our home, not trying harder to keep things together for our kids. But in the end, it was my kids who said, it is time leave (they are 13 and 15). I found my strength from this forum. We have been seperated for 5 months. This last weekend he thanked me for being strong enough to walk away and let him fall. It was a very dark time in both our lives but we are both stronger people for it now. We talk everyday, he is still active with the kids stuff. i am cautiously optomistic the future will be better for all of us! It certainly didn't get bad over night, and it didn't get better overnight. I hope this helps you in some way!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi crackwife. I hope you can work through this. I think you might be a little bit in denial (or uneducated) about what crack does to a person. And I'm sure you must feel more than a little conflicted about saying that your "good" husband and your sons "good" father disappears for 2 days a week and smokes crack. Theres really nothing good about crack and people don't do good things when they are smoking it. You may not be able to see into the mind of a crack smoker but I've been there, and I guarantee you, it screws up your thinking process, even when you aren't high. When you aren't high, you are pretty much thinking about getting high. All the time. And the stuff really drains you physically. You say your husband only uses on Friday and Saturday nights. Well, I imagine he must be pretty exhausted on Sundays! Does he sleep the day away? That can't make you happy. Can it? And then on Thursdays, isn't he just fiending? Cuz I used to smoke crack too and I couldn't wait for Fridays so I could use without repercussions.
I got pregnant. I quit using (two years clean now). But I slipped up for a short while after I had the baby and I can guarantee you that good mothers don't smoke crack. A few times I shipped my son down to his grandmas so I could use. Did that make me a good mother cuz I didn't use it in front of him? nope. Well he was a baby and a few times I used after he went to sleep. Did that make me a good mother? nope. I only used once a week... well except for the few times that I slipped up and used during the week. But it was only a few times. Honestly, it doesn't make me feel like a good mother at all. I wasn't. Even though, I functioned. There is more to being a good parent than just functioning or going to kids events. It's about being a good example for your child. When my son grows up, the last thing I want is for him to grow up and be like his daddy who still smokes crack.
I want to tell you about my best friend. she was smoking crack and hiding it from her husband for a long time. He knew she smoked on the weekends but he didn't know that she was also smoking at work, in the car on the way home from work and in the bathroom as well. She forced herself to eat. She forced herself to try and act normal in front of him. Anyway, that's just something to think about. I don't know your situation but crack addicts can be very sneaky about their useage... for a while. Until the drug gets the best of them.
Crack is bad news for families. I really feel for you because you are in a harsh situation. Your husband needs help. Crack is not "fun and games". It's not what normal people do to relax after a hard day at the office. It messes up your mind. I hope you take steps to protect yourself and your son, because the psychosis and usage is progressive. And it never gets better. Only worse. Until you get help and quit. And unfortunately, no matter how much you beg, nag, or scream, he won't quit until the repercussions of using are worse than the pain of not using. That can take some people a long time. Especially if they are being enabled by their family.
I got pregnant. I quit using (two years clean now). But I slipped up for a short while after I had the baby and I can guarantee you that good mothers don't smoke crack. A few times I shipped my son down to his grandmas so I could use. Did that make me a good mother cuz I didn't use it in front of him? nope. Well he was a baby and a few times I used after he went to sleep. Did that make me a good mother? nope. I only used once a week... well except for the few times that I slipped up and used during the week. But it was only a few times. Honestly, it doesn't make me feel like a good mother at all. I wasn't. Even though, I functioned. There is more to being a good parent than just functioning or going to kids events. It's about being a good example for your child. When my son grows up, the last thing I want is for him to grow up and be like his daddy who still smokes crack.
I want to tell you about my best friend. she was smoking crack and hiding it from her husband for a long time. He knew she smoked on the weekends but he didn't know that she was also smoking at work, in the car on the way home from work and in the bathroom as well. She forced herself to eat. She forced herself to try and act normal in front of him. Anyway, that's just something to think about. I don't know your situation but crack addicts can be very sneaky about their useage... for a while. Until the drug gets the best of them.
Crack is bad news for families. I really feel for you because you are in a harsh situation. Your husband needs help. Crack is not "fun and games". It's not what normal people do to relax after a hard day at the office. It messes up your mind. I hope you take steps to protect yourself and your son, because the psychosis and usage is progressive. And it never gets better. Only worse. Until you get help and quit. And unfortunately, no matter how much you beg, nag, or scream, he won't quit until the repercussions of using are worse than the pain of not using. That can take some people a long time. Especially if they are being enabled by their family.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Crack wife))))
Welcome to SR, but sorry for your situation that brought you here.
I'm also a recovering crackhead. What the others told you about it is absolutely true. I have never seen anyone do crack "occasionally"....for long, anyway. I would bet money that when he's not using, he's planning when he will use.
I know you're scared and no one is telling you to leave...that is a decision only you can make. I would be very concerned about the message your son is receiving...it's okay to take off every weekend to abuse something. My niece is 14 and, believe me, she knows about all kinds of drugs...has even told me things I don't know.
I would also be careful with money...crack is expensive. I used to spend $200-$300/day on it, and spent my entire income tax refund on it in 24 hours. I knew a girl that spent $60,000 in 2 months, including the brand new jeep she traded for crack. You would be wise to have money somewhere he cannot access.
Another thing to think of is this. Crack is illegal and if your husband gets into legal trouble, depending on the circumstances you could be charged with child endangerment.
I'm not trying to scare you, but I never thought I would be a crack addict, much less adopt the lifestyle that goes with it. I can promise you, with crack in the pictue, there is no happy ending.
Please take care of you and your son.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Welcome to SR, but sorry for your situation that brought you here.
I'm also a recovering crackhead. What the others told you about it is absolutely true. I have never seen anyone do crack "occasionally"....for long, anyway. I would bet money that when he's not using, he's planning when he will use.
I know you're scared and no one is telling you to leave...that is a decision only you can make. I would be very concerned about the message your son is receiving...it's okay to take off every weekend to abuse something. My niece is 14 and, believe me, she knows about all kinds of drugs...has even told me things I don't know.
I would also be careful with money...crack is expensive. I used to spend $200-$300/day on it, and spent my entire income tax refund on it in 24 hours. I knew a girl that spent $60,000 in 2 months, including the brand new jeep she traded for crack. You would be wise to have money somewhere he cannot access.
Another thing to think of is this. Crack is illegal and if your husband gets into legal trouble, depending on the circumstances you could be charged with child endangerment.
I'm not trying to scare you, but I never thought I would be a crack addict, much less adopt the lifestyle that goes with it. I can promise you, with crack in the pictue, there is no happy ending.
Please take care of you and your son.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to .SR. there is alot of good advice ahead of me. there is nothing u can do for your husband. he says he has no problem. i am sorry for u & your son. my addict is my son.stick around & read.prayers for u & your family.
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Welcome CrackWife,
So glad you've found this board.
I know you're scared and I know that feeling. But there can be better days for you, there really can be.
As others have said, you must get the focus on what is best for you and your son. Read the books recommended and please try to find some face to face meetings of Al Anon or Nar Anon. There is such support in those meetings from people who are walking this same road. They have experience, strength and hope to share with you.
You might want to look at how you are enabling your husband to stay in his addiction. He can leave on Fri and not come home until he wants. There are no consequences for his actions, as far as living in your household. So why should he want to change? And please understand that I say this about enabling because I was the QUEEN of enabling with my addicted daughter. I had a hard time seeing it...I thought I was loving her or helping her. Well, I was helping her, helping her stay in her addiction. And I decided I was no longer going to do that. I didn't want to help kill my daughter.
So I kept going to meetings. Kept reading on this board. I still go to meetings to this day and I won't ever stop as long as I'm able.
Today I will not help my daughter by doing for her what she can do for herself. Today I will not allow unacceptable behavior. She may do it somewhere else, whatever I think is unacceptable, but I won't allow it in my home. That's called setting boundaries. Another thing I learned from listening to people on here and attending meetings.
You hang in there K. You can feel better; life can be better. But the change is going to have to start with you.
Big hugs cause I know the fear you are feeling,
Hangin' In
So glad you've found this board.
I know you're scared and I know that feeling. But there can be better days for you, there really can be.
As others have said, you must get the focus on what is best for you and your son. Read the books recommended and please try to find some face to face meetings of Al Anon or Nar Anon. There is such support in those meetings from people who are walking this same road. They have experience, strength and hope to share with you.
You might want to look at how you are enabling your husband to stay in his addiction. He can leave on Fri and not come home until he wants. There are no consequences for his actions, as far as living in your household. So why should he want to change? And please understand that I say this about enabling because I was the QUEEN of enabling with my addicted daughter. I had a hard time seeing it...I thought I was loving her or helping her. Well, I was helping her, helping her stay in her addiction. And I decided I was no longer going to do that. I didn't want to help kill my daughter.
So I kept going to meetings. Kept reading on this board. I still go to meetings to this day and I won't ever stop as long as I'm able.
Today I will not help my daughter by doing for her what she can do for herself. Today I will not allow unacceptable behavior. She may do it somewhere else, whatever I think is unacceptable, but I won't allow it in my home. That's called setting boundaries. Another thing I learned from listening to people on here and attending meetings.
You hang in there K. You can feel better; life can be better. But the change is going to have to start with you.
Big hugs cause I know the fear you are feeling,
Hangin' In
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Welcome to SR crack wife.
I'm so sorry about everything you're going thru. The addict in my life is my exhusand. He developed a daily heroin addiction when our son was about 3 years old. I stayed for almost 3 years because I didn't want to 'tear the family apart'. I was a complete wreck... I tried to do what I thought was 'right' for my son. I thought it was the noble thing to do. I didn't realize how the stress of the situation was slowly killing me. I didn't realize how bad things really were until after I left and gave myself some space and time to sort things thru.
I didn't want my son to grow up thinking that the chaos in our home was normal. I didn't want him to be from a broken home but I realized that the home was broken whether I stayed or not.
I remember feeling trapped and hopeless. I remember hating myself for staying. I was paralyzed with fear.
I'm not going to lay any guilt trips on you about the effect this is having on your son. You're already carrying around too much guilt as it is. Thats the problem.
What do you want for your life? Where do you want to be 1, 5 or 10 years down the road? What can you do to get there? You dont have to do it all at once...baby steps are enough. You can get where you want to be but the only way to do it is to be a little selfish and concentrate on YOUR dreams...your needs...your desires... If your happy and healthy your son will be happy and healthy. I know this for a fact because my sweet little boy (who is now 9 years old) is thriving...absolutely thriving. Kids are more resiliant than you think. Make changes..you can do it...but do it for yourself and not for anyone else. Everything else will fall into place.
Welcome again...I hope you keep coming back.
I'm so sorry about everything you're going thru. The addict in my life is my exhusand. He developed a daily heroin addiction when our son was about 3 years old. I stayed for almost 3 years because I didn't want to 'tear the family apart'. I was a complete wreck... I tried to do what I thought was 'right' for my son. I thought it was the noble thing to do. I didn't realize how the stress of the situation was slowly killing me. I didn't realize how bad things really were until after I left and gave myself some space and time to sort things thru.
I didn't want my son to grow up thinking that the chaos in our home was normal. I didn't want him to be from a broken home but I realized that the home was broken whether I stayed or not.
I remember feeling trapped and hopeless. I remember hating myself for staying. I was paralyzed with fear.
I'm not going to lay any guilt trips on you about the effect this is having on your son. You're already carrying around too much guilt as it is. Thats the problem.
What do you want for your life? Where do you want to be 1, 5 or 10 years down the road? What can you do to get there? You dont have to do it all at once...baby steps are enough. You can get where you want to be but the only way to do it is to be a little selfish and concentrate on YOUR dreams...your needs...your desires... If your happy and healthy your son will be happy and healthy. I know this for a fact because my sweet little boy (who is now 9 years old) is thriving...absolutely thriving. Kids are more resiliant than you think. Make changes..you can do it...but do it for yourself and not for anyone else. Everything else will fall into place.
Welcome again...I hope you keep coming back.
Last edited by outonalimb; 01-30-2008 at 05:36 PM.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: OK
Posts: 4
thank you
I want to thank everyone for their kind, blunt and honest words. Sad part is that everything I read I know is true. And I know what I have to do to make my life better for me and for my son.
I went and looked at apartments this morning. One is available next month. Again, this morning I got the ‘don’t tear our family apart’ and the ‘I’ll be the one who leaves’ speech (he never follows through with that).
I realize that it’s time for me to take control of my life and stop trying to control his. Scary!
Right now, I have a good mind set of what I need to do. I just hope that I can continue thinking the same way I am right now.
Thank you again everyone.
I went and looked at apartments this morning. One is available next month. Again, this morning I got the ‘don’t tear our family apart’ and the ‘I’ll be the one who leaves’ speech (he never follows through with that).
I realize that it’s time for me to take control of my life and stop trying to control his. Scary!
Right now, I have a good mind set of what I need to do. I just hope that I can continue thinking the same way I am right now.
Thank you again everyone.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I wish you the best of luck with the new apartment. Keep us posted about how things are going. I find it easier for me to follow through on the hard decisions of life if I just set a course of action, and then stick with it no matter what crazy thoughts enter my mind. Have faith!
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
making a plan is a very good start - one day at a time - please don't let it all overwhelm you - try to focus on the Next Right Thing
and Yes, please stay in touch to let us know how you are doing - if you get a chance try out those meetings or book suggestions.
Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita
and Yes, please stay in touch to let us know how you are doing - if you get a chance try out those meetings or book suggestions.
Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Crack,
The only way I've been able to keep a clear mindset is by going to meetings and talking with wise people on this board which puts me in direct contact with people in recovery.
I understand the going back and forth...strong one day, weak the next, 2nd guessing yourself, then maybe a little back toward the "I need to take care of myself" and then he says something and there you go, back again to the "how can I break up my family" question.
I had to decided that I wanted a better way of life and go after it. I had to be around people in recovery. I had to talk with people in recovery. I had a phone list of people I would call when I would start waffling and falling into the "feeling sorry for her" mode. I had to let go of the fantasy life I wanted and accept the reality of what I was dealing with. It was hard but acceptance is key to moving forward.
I would never be where I am today in my recovery if I had tried to do it on my own. Please take advantage of meetings and the wise people on this board.
Hugs and prayers,
Hangin' In
The only way I've been able to keep a clear mindset is by going to meetings and talking with wise people on this board which puts me in direct contact with people in recovery.
I understand the going back and forth...strong one day, weak the next, 2nd guessing yourself, then maybe a little back toward the "I need to take care of myself" and then he says something and there you go, back again to the "how can I break up my family" question.
I had to decided that I wanted a better way of life and go after it. I had to be around people in recovery. I had to talk with people in recovery. I had a phone list of people I would call when I would start waffling and falling into the "feeling sorry for her" mode. I had to let go of the fantasy life I wanted and accept the reality of what I was dealing with. It was hard but acceptance is key to moving forward.
I would never be where I am today in my recovery if I had tried to do it on my own. Please take advantage of meetings and the wise people on this board.
Hugs and prayers,
Hangin' In
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
don't forget, crack wife: he left you the minute he decided to pick up the crack pipe. you are not the one who is leaving. you have already been left.
you don't need to think in all or nothing terms (the addict does enough of that). if you do not want to end the relationship for good, then when you move out you can be willing to work things out with him after he has a significant time of recovery. but you will need to give this many months to see what he does and especially what you, after all is said and done, truly want to do from the bottom of your heart. if you do not truly know now, it is okay. but no one should have to live with a drug user. you are right to physically separate for now. please do seek help, for addiction makes everyone ill.
all the very best to you.
you don't need to think in all or nothing terms (the addict does enough of that). if you do not want to end the relationship for good, then when you move out you can be willing to work things out with him after he has a significant time of recovery. but you will need to give this many months to see what he does and especially what you, after all is said and done, truly want to do from the bottom of your heart. if you do not truly know now, it is okay. but no one should have to live with a drug user. you are right to physically separate for now. please do seek help, for addiction makes everyone ill.
all the very best to you.
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