BBD

I'm really sitting here today with a super heavy heart. For you that don't remember me, my son was in rehab for the summer and came out with a positive attitude and seemed to be doing well. His choice of drug is cocaine. He made a hugh NO_NO and stared dating a girl he had met that was also going through rehab. She is an alcoholic. Things seemed to be going beautifully for both of them till now~~~~ Last night my phone rang at 12:30. It only rang twice so I didn't get to it in time to answer. I did look at the name on the dial and it was his phone. I didn't call back!! Now thats a first for me.This morning his g-f called and told me she was in the hospital. THEY had been drinking last night and he apperently blamed her for their starting and got violent. The neighbors in the apartment house called the police. They came and took her to the hospital.....bruises....Thats it for me. We had a hugh windstorm last night and lots of phones are still down in his area. I did call and the call couldn't get through. SO~~I have no clue where he is at all. SO~~I'm here (probably making no sense at all))))) to try and figure out my next move here. I know~ its not up to me but "I" am up to me. I want to tell Chris that I don't want any contact with him till he's working the program right again, going to meetings and that when he gets a sponser THAT sponser can call me to tell us how he is. I am so mad right now. ABUSE to any other person will not be tolerated by my husband and I....I realize all the Alanon rules are stepping away from the addict but geeezzzz~~~~~I can't stand all the drama anymore. This has been going on forever in my book and I just think if we take away our support than mabe another bottom will be reached...What do you think everyone. My stomach is in knots!!! Ask questions if you want. I know this forum doesn't wan toyu to tell me what to do but I give permission for all to say what you want......Thanks, Bonnie

nytepassion

I can understand why you are upset and I can understand you wanting to talk to him, but you already know YOU ARE POWERLESS .. (there isn't anything you can say that will change what has already happened) My suggestion is IF you must tell you son that you won't talk to him UNTIL he is working his program again .. Wait for him to call you to tell him. Don't ring him and tell him you won't be calling him anymore .. because # one the fact that you call him first and tell him you won't call him again UNTIL HE DOES THIS OR THAT voices you are using your words to try to control him or the situation. My other suggestion is not to worry about what YOUR next move will be .. Just breath and "Que Sera Sera (Whatever Will Be, Will Be)"

After all .. what a time for the phone lines to be down .. (God's ulimately in control) LOL

Love and Hugs,
Passion

BBD

Thanks Passion. Your right! I don't plan on calling him again. It's this inbetween time till he does call....and I have a funny feeling he won't. Last week I wrote him a letter about my feelings and detaching. I probably wouldn't have known anything if Angie hadn't called me....Thanks. I'm glad someone is here..

BBD

Hi tracee~~~I'm so confused all the time with the do's and dont's. Chris knows we'll be here for him but it just seems we have gotten him out of so many goofs. Its time for something to drastically change around here and it looks like it's going to have to be us. XXXxxxx

marle

If you are stepping away from him hoping that he will reach a bottom, you may just be disappointed and maybe a little resentful. If you are stepping away from him so that you can regain sanity and serenity in your own life, then good for you. I thought that by not having contact with my daughter, not providing her with a soft place to fall, she would surely hit bottom. But she still has that shovel and she is still digging her bottom a little deeper. So I detached with anger. Angry that I could not change things for her and angry that she could not see what a mess she was making in her own life. I stopped talking to her for 7 and a half months because of my anger and resentments. But in the end that is just what I needed to work through my feelings. Now I have very limited contact with her but I can have contact without the need to save her, without the need to try to get her to change. I still have a great deal of sadness. I think that what I feel is grief, the knowing that so much is being lost because of addiction. I no longer hate my daughter. I can just love her and let her be. So if you need time to get through your feelings without contact with your son, that is okay. Sending hugs your way, Marle

mooselips

(((Bonnie)))
Just remember..do not put up any boundaries that YOU cannot keep.

If you decide that is your boundary, not speaking to him, then make sure you can stick to it.


And nothing changes, if nothing changes.

Hugs to you, and your hubby,
prayers for your son...

BBD

Merle, Your post sounds exactly the WAY I feel.....I will be strongly thinking about all you said till I do hear something. Angie called me and is being released from the hospital and going home. She doesn't have a key so is going to have to call the landlord. I'm sure she'll check with me later. I think for today I don't want to have contact with Chris....Diane~~I thought you were in Florida?? Or is it tomorrow you leave. Thanks for the kind, loving words ladies . I so appreciate your caring. Hugs, Bonnie

laurie6781

I can only tell you what happened to me. In January of 1979 when I was 33 1/2 yrs old my parents FINALLY said NO MORE. If you call we will hang up, if you come to the door it will be closed in your face, we cannot help you, this is YOUR PROBLEM, you find the solution.

And they stuck by their words. It took me another 2 1/2 years to find recovery, and the last 1 1/2 years of that was living on the streets of Hollyweird.

Later after I had been sober and clean a few years and my mother and I were working on our 'new' relationship, she explained to me that they had reached the point that either they cut off all contact with me, or they would end up in a mental hospital in a padded room. Neither one back then knew about Alanon.

Today, I believe more than ever, had my 'family' (mother and father, grandparents, sister, etc) stopped enabling and 'helping' me sooner I would have reached that final bottom sooner.

As it stands now I have been sober and clean since June of '81 and added alanon at my AA Sponsor's strong urging in June of '84.


Now you're getting it!!!! The only one I can change is ME. The only one you can change is YOU.

My joining Alanon was early in my second marriage. I was married to a sober alkie, he had 2 more years sobriety than I did, however, it became apparent only after we were married that his addiction to alcohol had been transferred to an addition to gambling. Obviously my 'picker' was still broke!!!!

It was in Alanon that I learned a whole different perspective of the 12 steps than I had in AA, and it was there I learned to TAKE CARE OF ME. To set my Boundaries. To say what I mean and mean what I say, and that the only person I can change is ME.

Pm me any time you need to talk.

Love and hugs,

BBD

Hi Laurie, I just have to stand tough and its hard..If I completely disconnect the worrying will drive me batty but if I don't I become involved in the drama. I have had no luck with trying to help or change anything..At least responding to you all is keeping me a bit sane this afternoon.. Thanks so much, Bonnie

rahsue

first of all it's not a sponsors job to make you better. so leave his treatment to him.
If you don't like the drama stay off the stage.

there I said it the way I felt it, but I only felt it that way because I did the same darn thing, I was "stepping away from the addict" in my own way which was of course the wrong way. I thought I could incorporate help and enabling and it would be ok and the right thing to do. My son is in recovery right now so it's easy to "step away from the addict" but if he were to relapse I would be on this website every minute of the day for support to keep away from his recovery or addiction.
I can give the advice a whole lot better than I think I can follow it so if I need the reinforcement I'm gonna come look for you to do it for me in the same way I just did for you, full force and forward.

good luck and I'll be praying for YOUR RECOVERY:codiepolice

CatsPajamas

BOY I wish my HP would give me billboards like that once in awhile ! It's possible that your son is right where he is supposed to be so that he and his HP can communicate directly.

My sons are adults now, but I still have my SuperMom cape right by the door in case I need it... My recovery friends remind me over and over again that adult choices = adult consequences, so I can tell my sons that same thing when they ask me to help clean up their messes.

This mom stuff ain't for weenies, is it?

Big hugs from mom to mom
Cats

rahsue

Wow, I didn't think of that, oh yeah, thats where he's supposed to be alright!!!!

Cats, I'm glad your Godar was on.

Ann

Bonnie, having a front row seat to the drama such sucks us into the darkness too. I almost completely lost my sanity before I let go and detached but what saved me was going to meetings and learning how to deal with the worry and anxiety and how to find peace.

Today I live well, I have a peace I would never have found without this program and the support of all the wonderful people here. I am happy and have fun and have learned how to feel alive again, even though my son still stuggles and is lost somewhere in his addiction.

You can find peace too, Bonnie, try some meetings. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain and I promise you will be glad you went.

Hugs and prayers for you and your family, addiction truly is a family disease.

Hugs

BBD

I am so glad I have you people to turn too. Rahue~~~I'm just fine with you letting me have it. I need some direct pokes once in a while and my brother isn't here....LOL My hubby tries but sometimes I'm just too darn stubborn but I'm getting there. Cats and Ann~~thanks for answering me and I will be going to meetings as soon as this fund-driver I'm working on is over. I have so much to too in the next 2 days. Chris just called and he's beating himself up with what happened last night. Good~~~I didn't say much and hopefully he sees me changing. I can't tell you all how great it is to have this site and my new group of supporters. Hopefully you don't get sick of me whinning. I wanna be like you all....Bonnie

sleepygoat

Gotta be a huge shock - finding out he's using again and the immediate consequences...
That's what i thought when I read your post- that you are just in that shocky, pulse racing, 'emergency' mode right now and that (IMO) is appropriate and normal. So how about just do nothing for a little while until you get some normal sleep, a bit of perspective, and a dose of 'program'? If you are like me, you'll get into a better head sooner than expected and then you will know much better what to do.

BBD

Your right sleepgoat~ I did get a good nights sleep and after talking to Chris last night I hopefully see that he is going to start anew. How come its after the fact that they realize how out of control their disease is. The only good thing (and not that its really good))) is that he drank without doing cocaine. I'm not at all thinking this is good but for him its a step. Of course, his truck is in the shop and he couldn't get to his dealer. WONDERFUL~ and thank God. Hugs, Bonnie