sunday is even longer than saturday
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Hinsdale, Illinois
Posts: 19
sunday is even longer than saturday
I thought I made it sanely through the day. But then, at 10:30 pm he flipped out over some perceived thing I did -- he imagined it too, but he flipped. He was screaming in my face (and all the doors and windows open) about what a b----- I am, how stupid, incompetent, idiotic I was. He topped it off by screaming about how I was a worthless piece of sh-- . He screamed at me to just leave. He then said I should finish my thesis and leave, because I was so stupid I'd really need it.
I was so scared all night. I sat on the rug in our living room most of the night. Our 9 year old daughter fell asleep earlier, but could she have slept through that tirade? Its a small small house. Anyway, I couldn't get clear in my head what to do. I didn't yell back (I feel kind of wimpy for not defending myself, but I also didn't want it to escalate because that's what I'm most afraid of -- I don't want to be a picture on the news, with my AH wringing his hands and crying about how sorry he was to have killed me). I'm so afraid of being hit or something. My dad was abusive, ALL of my boyfriends, and of course, my husband. No one has killed me yet, but I live in fear of EVERY argument. I'm mad at my mom for always avoiding what she calls "confrontations" (that's anything that involves a personal opinion in opposition to someone else's!) but I see why she was that way. How do I calm my fears? I prayed last night for a sign of what I should do? He acted like an a-hole this morning too, but what else is new? I can't live with this kind of hostility. His eyes were just black yesterday -- he truly HATES me. I went online this morning, and just then he picks up the phone to make a call. He hangs up and tells our daughter that he can't make the call he wants to make because of my bullsh--. Then he repeats it a few times. A few minutes later he yells at me because I didn't answer a question in a yes or no manner (as he demanded). Of course, the brief tirade was that he didn't care about why he just wanted a yes or no answer and "no lip". What an ass, and I'm such a rag to put up with it. I'm worried about the kids, their plans (football camp, day camp, etc etc) and disrupting their lives if I leave.
That's enough of this UGLY post. I feel lost.
I was so scared all night. I sat on the rug in our living room most of the night. Our 9 year old daughter fell asleep earlier, but could she have slept through that tirade? Its a small small house. Anyway, I couldn't get clear in my head what to do. I didn't yell back (I feel kind of wimpy for not defending myself, but I also didn't want it to escalate because that's what I'm most afraid of -- I don't want to be a picture on the news, with my AH wringing his hands and crying about how sorry he was to have killed me). I'm so afraid of being hit or something. My dad was abusive, ALL of my boyfriends, and of course, my husband. No one has killed me yet, but I live in fear of EVERY argument. I'm mad at my mom for always avoiding what she calls "confrontations" (that's anything that involves a personal opinion in opposition to someone else's!) but I see why she was that way. How do I calm my fears? I prayed last night for a sign of what I should do? He acted like an a-hole this morning too, but what else is new? I can't live with this kind of hostility. His eyes were just black yesterday -- he truly HATES me. I went online this morning, and just then he picks up the phone to make a call. He hangs up and tells our daughter that he can't make the call he wants to make because of my bullsh--. Then he repeats it a few times. A few minutes later he yells at me because I didn't answer a question in a yes or no manner (as he demanded). Of course, the brief tirade was that he didn't care about why he just wanted a yes or no answer and "no lip". What an ass, and I'm such a rag to put up with it. I'm worried about the kids, their plans (football camp, day camp, etc etc) and disrupting their lives if I leave.
That's enough of this UGLY post. I feel lost.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hi Candlelight.
Okay. You scared me.
Your fear that this could escalate into violence was not born in a vacuum. If you really feel that this man hates you, please take steps to protect yourself. Your children's lives will be disrupted more by their mother winding up in a hospital or worse than by separation from an out of control father.
Hugs,
Smoke
Okay. You scared me.
Your fear that this could escalate into violence was not born in a vacuum. If you really feel that this man hates you, please take steps to protect yourself. Your children's lives will be disrupted more by their mother winding up in a hospital or worse than by separation from an out of control father.
Hugs,
Smoke
I used to work here ;)
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: I live in Trevose, PA & collect Barbies :)
Posts: 2,024
Hi candlelight
I could "hear" the pain in your post and it broke my heart.
Kids can be disrupted in their lives and they bounce right back. It sounds like they are old enough to know what is going on. Sometimes they just don't let on that they know.
You need to take care of yourself. If you don't, how can you be there for the kids. Call your local social service agencies, a women's shelter, some of those places can guide you in taking steps to make yourself more self-sufficient. Start on a plan for you and your kids. You don't have to act on it, but know its there if you need it.
Take care. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Many hugs,
Debbie
I could "hear" the pain in your post and it broke my heart.
Kids can be disrupted in their lives and they bounce right back. It sounds like they are old enough to know what is going on. Sometimes they just don't let on that they know.
You need to take care of yourself. If you don't, how can you be there for the kids. Call your local social service agencies, a women's shelter, some of those places can guide you in taking steps to make yourself more self-sufficient. Start on a plan for you and your kids. You don't have to act on it, but know its there if you need it.
Take care. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Many hugs,
Debbie
Member
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: North Vancouver, British Columbia
Posts: 1,714
Hello Candlelight - I can only reiterate what Smoke has said. I know how terribly hard this would be, but PLEASE think about calling the police next time something like this happens. There doesn't have to be an actual assault to do so. Just the fact that he is acting in a threatening manner and that you are afraid is enough to make that call. The police will come and assess the situation - if they feel it's necessary, they can make him leave, or they could arrest him. And at that point you could file a restraining order to stop him from coming back. From what I can gather from what you've said about your husband, it sounds like he is a fight waiting to happen and this could escalate whether you remain passive or become assertive. Your daughter should not be witness to this kind of behaviour - believe me when I say I grew up in a violent, out of control home and it affects me to this day. Maybe it's time for your husband to be out of the house while the two you try to work this out, if that's at all possible. My blood is boiling thinking of you crouched on the floor most of the night in fear. Do you have anyone who could come and be with you today, a friend or a family member? Please hang on, Candlelight - we are all here for you.
Love and hugs.
Love and hugs.
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 30
Dear Candlelight, please please make some phone calls and tell some people your story. Women's Shelters, Social Service Agencies, go to an Al-anon meeting and tell your story - maybe somebody there has been through it too. There are people out there that can help. I'm afraid for you and your kids after reading your post. Your alcoholic is a violent drunk. There is absolutely nothing you can do about this. It is not your fault!! You cannot confront him and make things better. Being passive, accommodating or reasonable will not fix or tame the situation. You can't fix this. Start concentrating on what you can do, get help for yourself and remove yourself and your kids from the situation, permanently if need be. You have not failed in any way, this is just the life you know. You say you don't want your kid's lives disrupted by leaving....re-read your post, your kids lives are seriously disrupted by this A's abusive behavior. Just find one thing to do and make a start. All your concerns, fears, etc... are valid. You are right to be feeling this way, you are being abused. Stop trying to figure out why or how to fix it, or letting him call the shots. Just do the next right thing. Make a call, start devising a plan to help you. You can do it. I'm so glad you're here!
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
candlelight
you are important , you have self worth, you are of value to us and those that know you. You are not a door mat.
Please don't wait around to see if his mood is going to be good or not. Noone should live in fear.
I had fearful times before my son was diagnosed bi polar and he was drinking heavy and decided i must of done something terrible to him when he was young.I tried telling him this was not true but he had such hatred, some nights i sat in an all night restaurant or slept at my other son's , i wasnt scared for my life as much as being around what he had become.
Today I am better (so is he) and if another episode should happen I would do some things differently. The main thing is I have learned I am a good human being and accept myself for who I am.
You scared smoke and probably all of us reading your post.
Don't wait to get help.
love
liddy
you are important , you have self worth, you are of value to us and those that know you. You are not a door mat.
Please don't wait around to see if his mood is going to be good or not. Noone should live in fear.
I had fearful times before my son was diagnosed bi polar and he was drinking heavy and decided i must of done something terrible to him when he was young.I tried telling him this was not true but he had such hatred, some nights i sat in an all night restaurant or slept at my other son's , i wasnt scared for my life as much as being around what he had become.
Today I am better (so is he) and if another episode should happen I would do some things differently. The main thing is I have learned I am a good human being and accept myself for who I am.
You scared smoke and probably all of us reading your post.
Don't wait to get help.
love
liddy
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: omaha nebraska
Posts: 10
I left mine 11 months ago and yes it has been hard. I left with 5 kids who have never lived anywhere else before and durning a school year that was already started. If you deciede to leave the children will be okay if a few of their plans get jumbo a little. I feel for you being so scared and I will pray for you and your family for peace and courage. My AH wasn't physical with me but my ex-husband was who didn't drink. It took me years to leave and what did me in was my children had just as much fear and then would act the way their father was treating me and also the way we fought with each other. The ex got help and is good father now & Kids are happy. Change isn't easy, I am still struggling and the fears I have now are just my own not caused by someone else. Keep your chin up and faith, when the time is right for you, you will know what to do for you and the children. It isn't you HE HATES it is HIMSELF he is just taking it out on you. Smile you have a safe place here and friends! God Bless you Dawn
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 444
((((((Candlelight))))))))
You are exactly where I was 2 years ago! I litterally shook in my skin when my A came in drunk!
Here are some of the things I did (probably not all were perfect answers, but I'm no expert):
1. I searched to find the answers I needed to take care of me and my kids.
You have found this place, and you can gain so much wisdom, comfort and strength from coming here. That's something I didn't have--so I'd say, you are a little better off!
The places I searched were, the Bible, and any book that I thought might cover my "problem". This included developing a very close relationship to my HP--and I don't mean just a "please help me God" kind of relationship--I mean much deeper than that. I check online for books for AA and Al-Anon, because I was unable to get to an Al-Anon meeting. You would benefit by getting to them, I'm sure. I read up on everything I could get my hands on on alcoholism. I went to an attorney and found out what would be the best way to get a restraining order, etc., what a separation/divorce would entail, etc.--in other words, got ready in case.
2. I began to get ready for what I thought might be the inevitable--needing to leave. I made sure I had a bag packed and in my car. I had money stashed away. I warned a few of my closest family members--I didn't "hide" it--I needed their support as well. I was not a strong person, by any means, and so I had to talk to my brothers and sister. They were behind me, no matter what happened.
3. I made appointments with a marriage counsellor, and planned on going, whether my A went or not. It helped me, but not my husband. The one thing he told me that made so much sense was that when I told him I was so afraid, he said he suspected I was also very angry! I needed to let go of that anger!
These are some of the things I learned about me--As a child of an alcoholic, I didn't handle things with my husband well. Thus the cowering and shaking, when he would come in drunk. My husband has gotten in my face and said all the things your husband has said, while I shook in fear. Finally, I learned that I was powerless when it came to his alcohol, so I quit trying to stand up to him, and instead, avoided him like the plague. I'm not sure avoiding him was the best (leaving), but not responding was the best thing I ever did. And I mean not responding in any manner, including body language (that's hard). I expect also, that there were times my A was only as bad as he was, because I thought he was that bad, because my father WAS that bad. I sometimes wonder when I look back if he was as bad as I thought he was, or if I was blowing it up in my own mind to a larger scale. I do know cowering in fear didn't help.
So, I memorized and repeated often the verse: For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7. This really helped me.
I learned where the Women's shelters were in our area. And I worked on me, because that's what I CAN do.
The important thing is, take care of yourself and your kids. Be prepared in whatever means you can. Seek out help. And be safe.
I know it seems to you that he hates you--I know it seemed that way to me, and I was nearly positive I hated him, as well--but I suspect he really just hates himself for what he's doing--and placing the blame on you is easier than taking it himself.
Wednesday morning (this past week) my husband finally apologized for something he said--never has he done that before. He remembered what he said, and couldn't figure out why he would say that. I assured him that was minor compared to other times. So, to make a long story short--he decided he had a problem--and decided not to drink. Needless to say--I've been on cloud 9 all week. On Friday, he put his arms around me and said "How long is it going to be before I make up for all the hurt I've caused you?" We have a lllllllooooooonnnnnnnngggggg way to go, still--but there is light at the end of the tunnel.
A lot of people will tell you to leave--say "don't put up with that", etc. I just want to caution you to only leave when you are ready--but be ready. That doesn't mean leave--I'm glad today that I didn't--it just means get ready in case--and take care of you.
Hugs,
Lyn
Here are some of the things I did (probably not all were perfect answers, but I'm no expert):
1. I searched to find the answers I needed to take care of me and my kids.
You have found this place, and you can gain so much wisdom, comfort and strength from coming here. That's something I didn't have--so I'd say, you are a little better off!
The places I searched were, the Bible, and any book that I thought might cover my "problem". This included developing a very close relationship to my HP--and I don't mean just a "please help me God" kind of relationship--I mean much deeper than that. I check online for books for AA and Al-Anon, because I was unable to get to an Al-Anon meeting. You would benefit by getting to them, I'm sure. I read up on everything I could get my hands on on alcoholism. I went to an attorney and found out what would be the best way to get a restraining order, etc., what a separation/divorce would entail, etc.--in other words, got ready in case.
2. I began to get ready for what I thought might be the inevitable--needing to leave. I made sure I had a bag packed and in my car. I had money stashed away. I warned a few of my closest family members--I didn't "hide" it--I needed their support as well. I was not a strong person, by any means, and so I had to talk to my brothers and sister. They were behind me, no matter what happened.
3. I made appointments with a marriage counsellor, and planned on going, whether my A went or not. It helped me, but not my husband. The one thing he told me that made so much sense was that when I told him I was so afraid, he said he suspected I was also very angry! I needed to let go of that anger!
These are some of the things I learned about me--As a child of an alcoholic, I didn't handle things with my husband well. Thus the cowering and shaking, when he would come in drunk. My husband has gotten in my face and said all the things your husband has said, while I shook in fear. Finally, I learned that I was powerless when it came to his alcohol, so I quit trying to stand up to him, and instead, avoided him like the plague. I'm not sure avoiding him was the best (leaving), but not responding was the best thing I ever did. And I mean not responding in any manner, including body language (that's hard). I expect also, that there were times my A was only as bad as he was, because I thought he was that bad, because my father WAS that bad. I sometimes wonder when I look back if he was as bad as I thought he was, or if I was blowing it up in my own mind to a larger scale. I do know cowering in fear didn't help.
So, I memorized and repeated often the verse: For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7. This really helped me.
I learned where the Women's shelters were in our area. And I worked on me, because that's what I CAN do.
The important thing is, take care of yourself and your kids. Be prepared in whatever means you can. Seek out help. And be safe.
I know it seems to you that he hates you--I know it seemed that way to me, and I was nearly positive I hated him, as well--but I suspect he really just hates himself for what he's doing--and placing the blame on you is easier than taking it himself.
Wednesday morning (this past week) my husband finally apologized for something he said--never has he done that before. He remembered what he said, and couldn't figure out why he would say that. I assured him that was minor compared to other times. So, to make a long story short--he decided he had a problem--and decided not to drink. Needless to say--I've been on cloud 9 all week. On Friday, he put his arms around me and said "How long is it going to be before I make up for all the hurt I've caused you?" We have a lllllllooooooonnnnnnnngggggg way to go, still--but there is light at the end of the tunnel.
A lot of people will tell you to leave--say "don't put up with that", etc. I just want to caution you to only leave when you are ready--but be ready. That doesn't mean leave--I'm glad today that I didn't--it just means get ready in case--and take care of you.
Hugs,
Lyn
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: California
Posts: 329
Hello candlelight!
I am late on responding to your posts. I start reading and then get interrupted. I want you to know how glad I am that you have found us. All of the others have given you such wonderful advice!!
There have been times over the 25 yrs that I have been with my husband when I have seen those black eyes filled with evil during a outrage of his and know how it feels to be afraid! It was like looking at the eyes of a demon. And the problems that he thought were the reason to get so angry and bent out of shape were so minimal. When they have been drinking and a temper is involved one never knows what turn the road is going to make next. Be safe and take care of YOU!!!! I will pray for you and the strength you need to take care of youself and your kids. We are always here for you candlelight!!
Love, hugs and prayers,
matters
I am late on responding to your posts. I start reading and then get interrupted. I want you to know how glad I am that you have found us. All of the others have given you such wonderful advice!!
There have been times over the 25 yrs that I have been with my husband when I have seen those black eyes filled with evil during a outrage of his and know how it feels to be afraid! It was like looking at the eyes of a demon. And the problems that he thought were the reason to get so angry and bent out of shape were so minimal. When they have been drinking and a temper is involved one never knows what turn the road is going to make next. Be safe and take care of YOU!!!! I will pray for you and the strength you need to take care of youself and your kids. We are always here for you candlelight!!
Love, hugs and prayers,
matters
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Mich
Posts: 212
Candlelight,
I have to agree that your post scared me a bit!! YOU are important...and for the kids, in my opinion, they will be happy to be out of that situation!!! They are probably just as scared as you are! Fortunately, for me, physical abuse is not something I've ever dealt with so I have no words of advice, however, you DO NOT DESERVE to live in fear and YOU DO DESERVE peace and harmony. No human being has a right to make another human being feel the way he's making you feel!
As for the situation with your mom, I heard you loud and clear. Please remember that your daughter is so young and easily influenced. Break that cycle for her and your son.........and you!
Keep coming here sweetie, everyone is great.
I'll keep you in my prayers!
I have to agree that your post scared me a bit!! YOU are important...and for the kids, in my opinion, they will be happy to be out of that situation!!! They are probably just as scared as you are! Fortunately, for me, physical abuse is not something I've ever dealt with so I have no words of advice, however, you DO NOT DESERVE to live in fear and YOU DO DESERVE peace and harmony. No human being has a right to make another human being feel the way he's making you feel!
As for the situation with your mom, I heard you loud and clear. Please remember that your daughter is so young and easily influenced. Break that cycle for her and your son.........and you!
Keep coming here sweetie, everyone is great.
I'll keep you in my prayers!
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
Posts: 264
one more thought
All of the posts here were wonderful. Candlelight, we are all here for you. I want to just point out one more thing, the one that made me angry...
<<He hangs up and tells our daughter that he can't make the call he wants to make because of my bullsh--. >>
I cannot handle it when they involve the kids like that. That is abuse. My AH started doing that to my daughter and it hurt me far more than anything he ever did or said to me. I hope that you find strength to make some calls for the sake of your kids if not yourself. Al Anon meetings have been a godsend for me, and ultimately for my daughter as well. I am learning to put her first as well as myself.
I will pray for you all.
<<He hangs up and tells our daughter that he can't make the call he wants to make because of my bullsh--. >>
I cannot handle it when they involve the kids like that. That is abuse. My AH started doing that to my daughter and it hurt me far more than anything he ever did or said to me. I hope that you find strength to make some calls for the sake of your kids if not yourself. Al Anon meetings have been a godsend for me, and ultimately for my daughter as well. I am learning to put her first as well as myself.
I will pray for you all.
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