There are many ways to Enable an Alcoholic
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There are many ways to Enable an Alcoholic
Found this on Games Alcoholic Families Play
As the saying goes, you are not the cause of someone else's drinking problem, you cannot cure it and you can't control it.
But there are ways that you may be contributing to the problem.
Before placing the blame for all the problems in your family or your relationship on his (or her) drinking, it might be wise to examine how the other person's drinking may have affected you, and how you have reacted to it. For example, does the following statement sound familiar?
I don't have a problem with my drinking! The only problem is your attitude. If you would quit complaining about it, there wouldn't be a problem!
Well, obviously that statement is not completely accurate; after all denial of the problem is one of the more frustrating parts of the problem. On the other hand the statement may not be completely false either.
How do you react to the alcoholic's drinking? Could your reaction be a part of the overall problem? Have you fallen into "role playing" in the family? Is there anything that you can do to improve the situation?
The following describes an incident that could be an example of alcoholic behavoir, and some examples of reactions to the incident. Does any of these sound familiar?
The alcoholic comes home late and he is drunk, too drunk in fact to get the key into the front door lock. After several futile attempts, he decides that it is a lost cause. Since he does not want anyone in the house to know that he is too drunk to unlock his own door, he makes a brilliant decision that solves his problem. He goes to sleep in the front yard!
How would you react?
The Rescuer
The "rescuer" doesn't let the incident become a "problem." Since she has been waiting up for him anyway, she goes out in the yard, gets the alcoholic up, cleans him up, and puts him into bed. That way the neighbors never see him passed out in the flower bed!
She never mentions the incident to him or anybody else. If anyone else mentions it, she denies there is a problem. She lies for him, covers up for his mistakes, and protects him from the world.
As the problems increase and his drinking gets worse, she takes on responsibilites that were once his. She may get a job or work extra hours to pay the bills. And if he gets in trouble with the law, she will move heaven and earth to come up with his bail.
The Provoker
The "provoker" reacts by punishing the drunk for his actions. She either waits for him to wake up the next morning and gives it to him with both barrels, or she goes out and turns the water sprinklers on!
She scolds, ridicules, and belittles. She nags. She screams insults at him loud enough for everyone to hear. She gets on the telephone and tells all her friends he's a loser. She is angry and she makes sure that the alcoholic and everybody else knows it. Or she gives him the cold shoulder and doesn't speak to him. She threatens to leave.
She doesn't let it go, either. The anger and resentment continue to build as these incidents become more frequent. She never lets him forget his transgressions. She holds it against him and uses it as a weapon in future arguments -- even months or years later.
The Martyr
The "martyr" is ashamed of the alcoholic's behavoir and she lets him know it by her actions or words. She cries and tells him, "You've embarrassed us again in front of the whole neighborhood!"
She sulks, pouts, and isolates. She gets on the telephone with her friends and tearfully describes the misery that he has caused her this time! Or she is so ashamed of it she avoids her friends and any mention of the incident.
Slowly she becomes more withdrawn and depressed. She may not say much about it to the alcoholic, but she lets him know with her actions that she is ashamed of him. Quietly she tries to make him feel quilty for his behavoir.
Which is the Enabler?
The above examples may be somewhat of an exaggeration, but then again they may be very typical of what goes on in an alcoholic home. The "roles" the nonalcoholic spouse plays in the family may not be as well defined, as they are outlined here. Depending upon the circumstances, the spouse may fall into one of these roles, or may switch back and forth between them all.
So which of the spouses described above is an enabler? Which one is actually helping the alcoholic progress in his disease? Which one, although they are trying to make things better, are actually contributing to the problem?
If you find your self locked in to playing a role in the alcoholic's life, maybe it's time to call "time out."
In Part I of this article we described three of the "roles" that family members can find themselves adopting as they try to deal with alcoholic behavior.
Those examples may be somewhat of an exaggeration, but then again they may be very typical of what goes on in an alcoholic home. The "roles" the nonalcoholic spouse plays in the family may not be as well defined, as they are outlined here. Depending upon the circumstances, the spouse may fall into one of these roles, or may switch back and forth between them all.
So which of the spouses described -- the Rescuer, the Martyr, or the Provoker -- is an enabler? Which one is actually helping the alcoholic progress in his disease? Which one, although they are trying to make things better, are actually contributing to the problem?
All of them.
It's easy to define the "rescuer" or "caretaker" as an enabler. She is enabling him simply by not allowing him to face the consequences of his own actions. He wakes up in the bed warm and toasty the next morning, not even remembering that he passed out in the front yard.
Why should he ever admit that he has a problem? With her rushing in to "put pillows under him" each time he falls, he never feels the pain of the fall. If his drinking never becomes painful, due to her heroic efforts to protect him, why should he ever decide to stop?
But the other two role models are also enabling. How? Because their reactions to the alcoholic's behavior allows him to focus on their reaction rather than his own behavior.
If he wakes up the next morning in the yard and comes into the house to face the rath of the provoker or the shame of the martyr or "victim," then his natural response is to react to that behavior, rather than his own.
Moreover, both the provoker's and the martyr's actions are designed to manipulate him with guilt, which believe it or not, he feels. But if he is truly an alcoholic, his reaction will not be to own up to his mistakes, but to try to escape them once again -- in the bottle.
The Correct Reaction?
So what is the best way to react to the situation described? How do you react when the alcoholic has pulled another one of his stunts? The answer is to not react at all! Pretend as if nothing happened!
If the alcoholic wakes up the next morning and comes into the house where everything is going on normally -- the kids are getting ready for school, you are doing your hair and the coffee's on the stove -- then the only thing left for him to face is his own behavior.
Any embarrasment or shame brought on by him passing out in the front yard for all the neighbors to see, belongs to him and him alone. It's his problem, not anyone else's. His behavior is the problem, not your reaction to it.
If you greet him with a "Good morning, dear, the coffee's ready!" just as if nothing unusual had happened, you have done your part right. You did not allow someone else's inappropriate behavior to provoke your own inappropriate behavior. You have not given the alcoholic the opportunity to "change the subject." He is left alone to face his own pain and shame by himself. When that pain gets to be strong enough, he will be ready to get help.
Until he is ready to reach out for help with his drinking problem, all the scolding, manipulating, and controlling efforts on your part are not going to do any good whatsoever and will only cause you to get pulled further into the family disease of alcoholism.
As the saying goes, you are not the cause of someone else's drinking problem, you cannot cure it and you can't control it.
But there are ways that you may be contributing to the problem.
Before placing the blame for all the problems in your family or your relationship on his (or her) drinking, it might be wise to examine how the other person's drinking may have affected you, and how you have reacted to it. For example, does the following statement sound familiar?
I don't have a problem with my drinking! The only problem is your attitude. If you would quit complaining about it, there wouldn't be a problem!
Well, obviously that statement is not completely accurate; after all denial of the problem is one of the more frustrating parts of the problem. On the other hand the statement may not be completely false either.
How do you react to the alcoholic's drinking? Could your reaction be a part of the overall problem? Have you fallen into "role playing" in the family? Is there anything that you can do to improve the situation?
The following describes an incident that could be an example of alcoholic behavoir, and some examples of reactions to the incident. Does any of these sound familiar?
The alcoholic comes home late and he is drunk, too drunk in fact to get the key into the front door lock. After several futile attempts, he decides that it is a lost cause. Since he does not want anyone in the house to know that he is too drunk to unlock his own door, he makes a brilliant decision that solves his problem. He goes to sleep in the front yard!
How would you react?
The Rescuer
The "rescuer" doesn't let the incident become a "problem." Since she has been waiting up for him anyway, she goes out in the yard, gets the alcoholic up, cleans him up, and puts him into bed. That way the neighbors never see him passed out in the flower bed!
She never mentions the incident to him or anybody else. If anyone else mentions it, she denies there is a problem. She lies for him, covers up for his mistakes, and protects him from the world.
As the problems increase and his drinking gets worse, she takes on responsibilites that were once his. She may get a job or work extra hours to pay the bills. And if he gets in trouble with the law, she will move heaven and earth to come up with his bail.
The Provoker
The "provoker" reacts by punishing the drunk for his actions. She either waits for him to wake up the next morning and gives it to him with both barrels, or she goes out and turns the water sprinklers on!
She scolds, ridicules, and belittles. She nags. She screams insults at him loud enough for everyone to hear. She gets on the telephone and tells all her friends he's a loser. She is angry and she makes sure that the alcoholic and everybody else knows it. Or she gives him the cold shoulder and doesn't speak to him. She threatens to leave.
She doesn't let it go, either. The anger and resentment continue to build as these incidents become more frequent. She never lets him forget his transgressions. She holds it against him and uses it as a weapon in future arguments -- even months or years later.
The Martyr
The "martyr" is ashamed of the alcoholic's behavoir and she lets him know it by her actions or words. She cries and tells him, "You've embarrassed us again in front of the whole neighborhood!"
She sulks, pouts, and isolates. She gets on the telephone with her friends and tearfully describes the misery that he has caused her this time! Or she is so ashamed of it she avoids her friends and any mention of the incident.
Slowly she becomes more withdrawn and depressed. She may not say much about it to the alcoholic, but she lets him know with her actions that she is ashamed of him. Quietly she tries to make him feel quilty for his behavoir.
Which is the Enabler?
The above examples may be somewhat of an exaggeration, but then again they may be very typical of what goes on in an alcoholic home. The "roles" the nonalcoholic spouse plays in the family may not be as well defined, as they are outlined here. Depending upon the circumstances, the spouse may fall into one of these roles, or may switch back and forth between them all.
So which of the spouses described above is an enabler? Which one is actually helping the alcoholic progress in his disease? Which one, although they are trying to make things better, are actually contributing to the problem?
If you find your self locked in to playing a role in the alcoholic's life, maybe it's time to call "time out."
In Part I of this article we described three of the "roles" that family members can find themselves adopting as they try to deal with alcoholic behavior.
Those examples may be somewhat of an exaggeration, but then again they may be very typical of what goes on in an alcoholic home. The "roles" the nonalcoholic spouse plays in the family may not be as well defined, as they are outlined here. Depending upon the circumstances, the spouse may fall into one of these roles, or may switch back and forth between them all.
So which of the spouses described -- the Rescuer, the Martyr, or the Provoker -- is an enabler? Which one is actually helping the alcoholic progress in his disease? Which one, although they are trying to make things better, are actually contributing to the problem?
All of them.
It's easy to define the "rescuer" or "caretaker" as an enabler. She is enabling him simply by not allowing him to face the consequences of his own actions. He wakes up in the bed warm and toasty the next morning, not even remembering that he passed out in the front yard.
Why should he ever admit that he has a problem? With her rushing in to "put pillows under him" each time he falls, he never feels the pain of the fall. If his drinking never becomes painful, due to her heroic efforts to protect him, why should he ever decide to stop?
But the other two role models are also enabling. How? Because their reactions to the alcoholic's behavior allows him to focus on their reaction rather than his own behavior.
If he wakes up the next morning in the yard and comes into the house to face the rath of the provoker or the shame of the martyr or "victim," then his natural response is to react to that behavior, rather than his own.
Moreover, both the provoker's and the martyr's actions are designed to manipulate him with guilt, which believe it or not, he feels. But if he is truly an alcoholic, his reaction will not be to own up to his mistakes, but to try to escape them once again -- in the bottle.
The Correct Reaction?
So what is the best way to react to the situation described? How do you react when the alcoholic has pulled another one of his stunts? The answer is to not react at all! Pretend as if nothing happened!
If the alcoholic wakes up the next morning and comes into the house where everything is going on normally -- the kids are getting ready for school, you are doing your hair and the coffee's on the stove -- then the only thing left for him to face is his own behavior.
Any embarrasment or shame brought on by him passing out in the front yard for all the neighbors to see, belongs to him and him alone. It's his problem, not anyone else's. His behavior is the problem, not your reaction to it.
If you greet him with a "Good morning, dear, the coffee's ready!" just as if nothing unusual had happened, you have done your part right. You did not allow someone else's inappropriate behavior to provoke your own inappropriate behavior. You have not given the alcoholic the opportunity to "change the subject." He is left alone to face his own pain and shame by himself. When that pain gets to be strong enough, he will be ready to get help.
Until he is ready to reach out for help with his drinking problem, all the scolding, manipulating, and controlling efforts on your part are not going to do any good whatsoever and will only cause you to get pulled further into the family disease of alcoholism.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Wales
Posts: 523
If you greet him with a "Good morning, dear, the coffee's ready!" just as if nothing unusual had happened, you have done your part right. You did not allow someone else's inappropriate behavior to provoke your own inappropriate behavior. You have not given the alcoholic the opportunity to "change the subject." He is left alone to face his own pain and shame by himself. When that pain gets to be strong enough, he will be ready to get help.
Hi Karma, ive read this also and a lot of it makes sense. Although this one above is a bit dodgy the principles are correct. I would personally have let him make his own coffee!!! but by being calm and giving the dont give a damn attitude did work for me, i dont think it made my alcoholic remorseful but it certainly made me feel better. This method used to put my xab in the Im feeling sorry for myself mode, just to find any kind of reaction from me and when there was none he would be livid and go for a pint!! Might work for some but not mine.
"If you greet him with a "Good morning, dear, the coffee's ready!" just as if nothing unusual had happened, you have done your part right. You did not allow someone else's inappropriate behavior to provoke your own inappropriate behavior. You have not given the alcoholic the opportunity to "change the subject." He is left alone to face his own pain and shame by himself. When that pain gets to be strong enough, he will be ready to get help.
"I wish"!!!!
Hi Karma, ive read this also and a lot of it makes sense. Although this one above is a bit dodgy the principles are correct. I would personally have let him make his own coffee!!! but by being calm and giving the dont give a damn attitude did work for me, i dont think it made my alcoholic remorseful but it certainly made me feel better. This method used to put my xab in the Im feeling sorry for myself mode, just to find any kind of reaction from me and when there was none he would be livid and go for a pint!! Might work for some but not mine.
"If you greet him with a "Good morning, dear, the coffee's ready!" just as if nothing unusual had happened, you have done your part right. You did not allow someone else's inappropriate behavior to provoke your own inappropriate behavior. You have not given the alcoholic the opportunity to "change the subject." He is left alone to face his own pain and shame by himself. When that pain gets to be strong enough, he will be ready to get help.
"I wish"!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Illinois
Posts: 147
To this day if my AW is passed out on the couch I will quietly round the kids up for bed, tell them mom will come up and kiss them good night in a moment and leave her passed out on the couch then go to bed. She usually wakes up some time in the wee hours of the morning and comes to bed. I never mention it in the morning and neither does she.
In the past I enabled her by waking her sorry gluteous maximus up and making sure she got to bed and woke up on time. Now I just let her suffer the consequences of her actions. One of these days she will sleep through to the morning and hopefully it will start to sink in. I doubt it though. =)
In the past I enabled her by waking her sorry gluteous maximus up and making sure she got to bed and woke up on time. Now I just let her suffer the consequences of her actions. One of these days she will sleep through to the morning and hopefully it will start to sink in. I doubt it though. =)
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
If I react at all to the outrageousness and inappropriateness of my significant other passing out in the front yard that is enabling? I'm having a hard time swallowing that. I am just supposed to suppress my emotions -- not to make them feel better; ultimately to make them feel worse?
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 141
See, that is why I have reservations about the suggested response. However, being the provoker only serves to generate the excuse for the next drink and traps me in an unhealthy dynamic.
I vote for "You do that again and I am gone" approach, myself. Do it to me once, shame on you, do it to me twice, shame on me, do it to me three times then lay me on the floor and wipe your feet on me.
I vote for "You do that again and I am gone" approach, myself. Do it to me once, shame on you, do it to me twice, shame on me, do it to me three times then lay me on the floor and wipe your feet on me.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
I've been married to an A for 16 years, for most of those years I said nothing about his drinking. I thought he would get tired of acting of being hung over, next to broke, being stuck in a crappy job and hating himself.
I was wrong
The only thing that changed was me, I got sick of it, he is perfectly happy with the way he is and does not understand why I am leaving him.
I was wrong
The only thing that changed was me, I got sick of it, he is perfectly happy with the way he is and does not understand why I am leaving him.
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Originally Posted by karmakoma 
Found this on Games Alcoholic Families Play
So what is the best way to react to the situation described? How do you react when the alcoholic has pulled another one of his stunts?
The answer is to not react at all!
Pretend as if nothing happened!
So what is the best way to react to the situation described? How do you react when the alcoholic has pulled another one of his stunts?
The answer is to not react at all!
Pretend as if nothing happened!
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 19
nowinsituation:If I react at all to the outrageousness and inappropriateness of my significant other passing out in the front yard that is enabling? I'm having a hard time swallowing that. I am just supposed to suppress my emotions -- not to make them feel better; ultimately to make them feel worse?
No, you are not to suppress your emotions, but deal with them in a healthy way- If you are anything like me, anger controlled me for a long time rather than vice-versa
Also, something I learned in therapy is that there is a difference to be made between reacting and responding. A reaction is something that occurs immediately without thought, responding involves rational thinking and healthy choices.
No, you are not to suppress your emotions, but deal with them in a healthy way- If you are anything like me, anger controlled me for a long time rather than vice-versa
Also, something I learned in therapy is that there is a difference to be made between reacting and responding. A reaction is something that occurs immediately without thought, responding involves rational thinking and healthy choices.
Donna
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Willamette Valley, Oregon
Posts: 48
Well, this is an interesting thread. Because I have been all 3, the provoker, the martyr and the rescuer. All were totally inaffective. My reaction was based on the circumstances surrounding my AH latest drunk.
I must say, my personal experience was much like the original post. My AH has been drinking for 30 years! But the minute I stopped reacting to his behavior with my own poor behavior, quit yelling, quit begging, quit searching for the bottles to dump them out and just lived life with my children around him, he decided he needed help.
It was nothing short of a miracle. He would be drinking when I'd get home, rather than start a fight, I'd just let him drink til he passed out in bed, then I'd close the door and spend a quiet evening with my children. No fighting, no nothing. Just him snoring.
Eventually he got tired of missing out on the "fun" me and the kids were having, playing games, watching movies, even going out to eat while he was passed out. It helped teach the children that the alcoholism was a part of our lives, but we could chose not to have it control them.
He has relapsed since treatment, but, he is in recovery again. And the one thing he says that he remembers is that he doesn't like being "shut out" of the family.
I must say, my personal experience was much like the original post. My AH has been drinking for 30 years! But the minute I stopped reacting to his behavior with my own poor behavior, quit yelling, quit begging, quit searching for the bottles to dump them out and just lived life with my children around him, he decided he needed help.
It was nothing short of a miracle. He would be drinking when I'd get home, rather than start a fight, I'd just let him drink til he passed out in bed, then I'd close the door and spend a quiet evening with my children. No fighting, no nothing. Just him snoring.
Eventually he got tired of missing out on the "fun" me and the kids were having, playing games, watching movies, even going out to eat while he was passed out. It helped teach the children that the alcoholism was a part of our lives, but we could chose not to have it control them.
He has relapsed since treatment, but, he is in recovery again. And the one thing he says that he remembers is that he doesn't like being "shut out" of the family.
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Originally Posted by karmakoma
...Although there is a lot of truth in that article, it always disturbed me a little that it was revered as a sticky. Shall we leave it unstuck?
The idea of a "sticky" is to make the most useful posts _easy_ to find amidst the _thousands_ of threads we have around here. It's _not_ to make anything "revered" or "special". It's kind of like having an index at the back of a book.
am I making sense with that?
Mike
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My response to the correct reaction is to do that but then go a little further.
One could bring up the situation days later - after the A has had time to sober up, get to feeling a little bit better, and (most importantly) carry it alone and go through his/her own emotional process in his/her head about what happened.
Days later, you will have had time to calm down (and hopefully have been able to get to a meeting to help in that). You will have had time to pray for wisdom in how to respond to the A in the situation. For me, always being a broken record in saying the A has a problem and needs help with drinking/drugging is the most healthy approach (again, for me).
I agree that never saying anything is not the best way for anybody. But timing and a lovingly detached frame of mind is the best way.
Sue
One could bring up the situation days later - after the A has had time to sober up, get to feeling a little bit better, and (most importantly) carry it alone and go through his/her own emotional process in his/her head about what happened.
Days later, you will have had time to calm down (and hopefully have been able to get to a meeting to help in that). You will have had time to pray for wisdom in how to respond to the A in the situation. For me, always being a broken record in saying the A has a problem and needs help with drinking/drugging is the most healthy approach (again, for me).
I agree that never saying anything is not the best way for anybody. But timing and a lovingly detached frame of mind is the best way.
Sue
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I can see something in all the points brought up. However, I am in the minority because I think the "correct" response is good. I have applied that kind of response to other, non-alcoholic, co-de areas of my life, if that makes sense? For example, there was a time my DH (not an a) would fall asleep on the couch every night, and every night I'd wake him up and get him to come to bed. Finally I quit. A few times he asked, "Why didn't you wake me up?" I don't know what I said or maybe I just shrugged. But guess what? Now he gets up and comes to be on his own. I also find this type of resonse helpful when my DH looses something - which is often. Here's the scenario, he's on his way out the door and can't find his cell phone or keys. In the past I stopped everything I was doing and searched until one of us found them. Now, I simply take a step back and let him find them himself. Because of my co-de issues I had real trouble with helping everybody else with everything else. And then I'd be all resentful and aggravated for it, "Do I have to do everything for you" blah, blah, blah. After I stopped all the helping I noticed that my DH now tends to put his keys & phone in the same place, most of the time. 
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
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This thread is great...and I got something out of each post. This is what I like...how people actually go about implementing healthy choices to their lives.....the actual
application of healthy principles and what that really looks like.
application of healthy principles and what that really looks like.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
Originally Posted by anamchara
No, you are not to suppress your emotions, but deal with them in a healthy way- If you are anything like me, anger controlled me for a long time rather than vice-versa
Also, something I learned in therapy is that there is a difference to be made between reacting and responding. A reaction is something that occurs immediately without thought, responding involves rational thinking and healthy choices.
Also, something I learned in therapy is that there is a difference to be made between reacting and responding. A reaction is something that occurs immediately without thought, responding involves rational thinking and healthy choices.
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