Growing

I am currently reading/trying to process the book Boundaries by Dr. Cloud and I read a section on about.com about enabling and detachment, earlier today. I hope you get to read it.

Enabling:
Enabling - Enabling and Alcoholism in the Family

Detachment With Love: (which I interpret to be "tough love")
Detachment - Detachment From Alcoholism and Alcohol Problems

For those struggling with enabling and boundaries, here are my thoughts:

Does the alcoholic respect your boundaries?

Have you set any? If so, what are the consequences?

Do your friends and family see your boundaries being violated? If so, how does that make you feel?

One of the books main premises is that it is almost impossible to stay sane and live in a boundary-less environment. Are you?

Are you "enabling" by not having boundaries and consequences in place?

I have learned, so far, from reading this book that not having boundaries with real consequences in place does a number on our self-worth and self-esteem. You can leave the alcoholic...or detach to a degree where you can live in serenity...(and many other shades of grey) but lets be honest about the toll drunken behavior has on our self-esteem and self-worth and those of your children without boundaries.

This is my boundary: I chose not to live with an alcoholic, ever. If someone gets sloppy drunk around me, I leave. I realize this is what I need to do for myself as an acoa and is what is right for ME. That doesn't mean it is right for everyone.

For example: My mom is a recovering A/codependent (my dad is deceased, died in his addiction) I was not in the program at the time that I asked my mom, "Why don't you just leave dad?". She told me she was content with my dad as he was and that she would chose him over us kids any day. So, even though it sucked for us kids...her boundaries were not being violated. She didn't have any. She was fine with what he/she was doing and stayed with him/enabled him, until he died. I can't say if it was "right" or "wrong". She did what was right for her. I don't mean this sarcastically, either. This is what really happened.

My point is, boundaries are not being violated if you haven't set any. If the alcoholic in your life violates your boundaries, that is a different story. What are you going to do for you? What are your choices?

another excerpt:

"If you have enabled the alcoholic, you have probably become a major contributor to the growing and continuing problem and chances are have become effected by the disease yourself.----(self esteem, self-worth)

As long as the alcoholic has his enabling devices in place, it is easy for him to continue to deny he has a problem"

So, by enabling, we make it easy for the A to continue and deny they have a problem.

I am still processing all of this...Thoughts?

karmakoma

Wow! There is much in your post that I don't know where to start! I agree with all you have written - man, this stuff gets so subtle sometimes, doesn't it?

Yup, yup and yup. And enabling is insidious. If I don't want to be in a relationship with an active alcoholic, then if I stay with one I am violating my own boundary. And I don't know about you, but not adhering my own boundaries feels so much worse than when others do it. If I don't have any boundaries in place, then I am not taking care of myself and effectively allow myself to lie on the floor and get walked on.

Exactly. Only problem is, I do think that each of us have a deep seated set of standards/morals/guidelines/whatever that are not necessarily formed as boundaries i.e. with attendent consequences. However, they do give us a guide as to what is "right" and "wrong" for us. Many times I have read on this board from partners who are fundamentally disquietened and depressed about their situation whilst still uninformed about boundaries and other recovery-type topics and I know that I was in that situation for quite a long time myself. Yet, I still knew that all was not well. So, a line was crossed, it's just that the line is not formally defined in a boundary. My psyche was sending me a message.

I think I might revisit this. Thank you - this got the brain juices flowing.

Growing

"man, this stuff gets so subtle sometimes, doesn't it?" Yes, and its like that old saying...the big stuff doesn't get us, its the SMALL, everyday stuff. Like chinese water torture.

"If I don't want to be in a relationship with an active alcoholic, then if I stay with one I am violating my own boundary. And I don't know about you, but not adhering my own boundaries feels so much worse than when others do it. If I don't have any boundaries in place, then I am not taking care of myself and effectively allow myself to lie on the floor and get walked on." This is pure gold to me. Violating our OWN boundaries...thats something to think about. Like, if soandso does this to me AGAIN I am going to ____. Then it happens and I do nothing. No wonder we start to feel and act crazy. Like Melody Beattie said, "Crazy people make us crazy." I am not saying the alcoholic is crazy, but the drunken behavior is. Its chaotic.

"My psyche was sending me a message."
I also agree with this. When I don't set a boundary, that I know I need to, my psyche says...Please don't do this to me...why won't you take care of me?...this leads to self-loathing...and then...how am I supposed to be strong enough to do the next right thing? This is classic self-sabotage.
Boundaries are crucial, IMHO, to lay the foundation for mental and emotional health.

Thank you KarmaKoma!

karmakoma

It's the consequences that are crucial. For everyone. But, like you, I would argue that a boundary is not a boundary without a consequence.

This is a great thread.

Growing

Yes! You are choosing the consequence and then the action and not the other way around...I think you taught me that.

fluffyflea

When I was growing up we weren't even allowed to SET a boundary. I didn't know what a boundary was. I just knew a lot of people walked all over me.

Now after 10 years in recovery I'm learning how to set a boundary and stick by it.

Good post.

Ngaire