Selah

Sure, I probably had some issue before falling in love with an addict. But who doesnt. Sorry I have a feeling this is gonna be long, I'm about to lose it.
I don't trust myself, I wonder why I dont leave, I wonder why I've threatened to leave and never follow through. I feel like I am so weak in spirit that if I left I would be worse off than him!

I think I was naive in thinking addicts couldn't function in society. Maybe not well, but often times they keep going, they go to work, they shop, they go out on the weekends. And so I feel like no one gets it. I think he is my best friend, because when he is clean he's irreplaceable. I've dated many, and they can't touch my abf. Every night he kisses me and says I love you, I love you so much. Every morning he says I'm beautiful. But outside of these events he is forgetful, and lies, and hides things and is sneaky and never lets his cell phone out of his sight. And I feel awful for my perception of him changing, it a terrible feeling to become disgusted by someone.
And now I am disgusted with myself. I still check his things, I can only go a couple weeks without doing it. I feel overwhelmed with finding the hidden drugs "b/c they won't be in my house!" I have started to distrust EVERYTHING he says...in life, about people, no matter what the topic.
And here the catcher...he was highly addicted to pills & coke. He went to rehab, relapsed within a week, then was clean for 4 months, then relapsed on vicodin again for about two weeks, then clean again for 6...however...in his mind he smokes pot ALOT & drinks socially(sometimes gets hammered) b/c it keeps him off the "worse" stuff. I disagree, he needs to be clean of everything all the time to even consider having a decent life.
I feel selfish b/c most of the time I want to know what hes on and I go searching through his things b/c I don't want to be embarassed, I dont want to have to explain on his behalf, I dont want to have my going out time ruined AGAIN. I feel selfish.
But I don't leave.
I can sit here and tell you how kind he is, and how adorable he is, and his smile lights up a room and he's very sweet and loving...but he has zero ability to handle his emotions and I know this.
he has never followed through with the promises of couseling, couples counseling, promised to help pay legal fees, weekly drug tests, quitting pot, etc.
I HAVE - and I know I was the only one in control of this - but I got in severe legal trouble over him, I have lost money, and one weekend when I wouldn't see him because how far gone he really was - some girl kissed him & I have become an emotional mess. What is wrong with me?

I have read melody beattie, and It does help - i do get through days...
I just can't rationalize life's hard times to be so hard that you give up on love. If I left and something did happen to him, or if I left and he found someone else that wanted him. I would feel weak, like I wasn't strong enough to support him through his tough times. Why would I go through all this, Why? Maybe I should be posting in the mental health section
:praying

Selah

I don't believe I am romanticizing him. He is truley that way b/c he has these time periods of sobriety and then relapses and I am devastated b/c things are so great when he is clean. He does not steal from me or anyone, I lent him money before I realized the addiction, he has just yet to pay me back, which is definitley wrong b/c it was barely less than a year now and should've been done. He doesn't get angry or mean when he's high. My complaints come in the form of knowing I can't form a life with someone who has so many ups & downs... it's just hard to go day to day with someone who is so often "out of it" I am stunned with fear I suppose. Fear and angry that the guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with turned out to be addicted to his anxiety medication. It just really sucks.

hope213

when you have had enough you will know. an addict lies & does all the bad things because his love is the drug. he loves you but his focus is on the drug & how & where he will get more. it is always about more. i am glad you have read the book. it helped me alot. what also helps me with my addict son is reading the post here & meetings. they help me keep focused on my self because as much as i love my son there is nothing i can do for him. it hurts & i am sorry you are in so much pain. you are in the right place to get some help for you. keep posting & keep reading. we r here for you. prayers,

kj21

I have to completely agree with anvil. you are caught up in the fairytale part of your relationship. try to put more focus on you and your life.!! I was head over heels inl ove for 8 years to my guy! He was everything I dreamed about, ...then he he f*^%ed it all up and became an addict. i was scared, angry, couldn't understand why our love was not enough for him. this board has been a life saver for me, I have learned so much, how to be strong, focus on myself, but it all takes time. you will know when you have had enough. It doesn't sound like he is eady to want to quit, so you have to decide what you want. You don't have to decide today, just keep focusing on you and what you can do. hope this helps!

Selah

it's hard not to focus on what you guys are calling the "fairytale" except aren't you supposed to focus on the positive? in any r/ship? I would call it a fairytale or romanticizing, but it's not made up -- he is kind and good...but you are right I am caught up in how he affects me. or how i let myself be affected by him.

Selah

your right I am defensive, maybe i dont want to be filled with more anger, I dont want to face how dumb i must be to accept an addict in my life, and to give up so much, and even now as he texts me about how he feels suicidal and just can't handle it anymore. I don't want to walk away from anyone who needs help.

you can call it what you will, but he has made significant strides... he has given up a lot and gone to rehab, and cleaned up from benzos to pot. Ask an addict what that's like..I guess I have false hope that he will be clean, all the way, one day.

I appreciate your honesty, I really do.

marle

My daughter is my addict. She tells me that she and her abf spend 23 hours a day trying to find the money to buy the drugs, then trying to find someone to score from, and then getting high. Doesn't leave much time for love or a life outside of addiction. Addiction is progressive. Your boyfriend may have periods of clean time now, but that could change the next time he uses. Take care of you. You are the only person who has any responsibility for your life and how you choose to live it. Same for him. Hugs, Marle

Selah

and you don't think that's significant? benzos, pain killers & coke..down to pot? going to work consistently for months? beginning & learning to tell the truth?

I'm asking honestly by the way...not much in the mood for an argument.

kj0975

Hi and welcome. I understand what your saying. When they are clean and they are the most wonderful people in the world. You believe what they say. In My humble opinion as an addict I hated myself, I couldnt believe that a DRUG could control me I would cry, tell lies, lie to myself. I really truly did hate who I was. I hated waking up to drugs going to bed to drugs. They controled me.

I went through detox at home from vicoden. I suffered I didnt sleep for days I trudged along. Then after awhile I thought that I could go back to using JUST not as I did before. Nope didnt work right back to where I was.

My first bf was a crack and pot addict. Do I doubt that he loved me NO I know he loved me, But did I think I could change him YES I did. Cause to me love can do anything. I loved, I LOANED money, I lied for him, I did everything I could to love him sober. Well if love were that easy. I thought hey hes ONLY smoking pot its better than crack or coke which was his DOC. Or hes going out with sober friends he will be fine if he drinks. Guess what drinking ALWAYS let to his DOC. Whether I was there or not.

He would never disrespect me like that cause I LOVE him and he loves me. Love him sober. NOPE he still used whether I was there or not. Sure its ONLY pot right now. Do u smoke pot? Do u like he does it? Is he really willing to stop cause u dont like it? I like smoking pot we agreeded to stop together. I stopped he didnt. He liked the high and I wasnt going to control him. Ok I will stay with u cause its not coke or crack......... Soon I hated the pot almost as much as I hated him. 10yrs later he still gets high. I'm sure from his 24" waiste he still smokes crack.

I had walk away. I couldnt love him clean and pot was unacceptable to me time to move on. I learned alot, I lived alot, I loved him alot. Yet couldnt love him sober......

kj0975

One more thing. How is he towards u when he isnt high? As my exbf progressed if he wasnt high we was miserable, cranky, mean, irritable. made me walk on egg shells. I finally got to the point where I was happy when he was high. WOW. Walking away wasnt easy it was hard. The next lady thought she could love him clean too. I thought maybe she did until I ran into him at a bar and busted him smoking a crack pipe while she was in the bar. Nope she couldnt love him clean either. Relapse happens hell I have relapsed tons on times. Can u handle that? When your with an addict, someone who lies and will pull the wool over your eyes hard to trust and not be a detective.

I put sherlock holmes to shame. It did nothing but hurt my feelings Didnt stop him though. Snooping doesnt hurt him it hurts u cause every time u find something you realize that he lies to you, he cares more about his drugs and maintaning that lifestyle and getting what they want.

I wish you luck you will know when u have had enough. It was AMAZING my next relationship and almost hard to believe that I didnt have to snoop I didnt have to question him. He was a straight sober person who I had to trust caues there was no lying, no borrowing "til" next payday you know the one that never comes. Wierd but it happens and there is freedom and happiness out there.

Selah

KJ - when he's not high, when he comes down he mostly sleeps, so yea he can be cranky but he's sick and yes...maybe I am in the process you were. I am fearful that next relationship won't come and i thougt when you found the one...you found the one. You know the kind when you start dating, your friends & family talk about how they've never seen you this happy.
I did think it was going to be so much better even if only pot, and not I hate pot as much as I ever did any pill. And I am resenting him...and I am asking questions and snooping and begging for change, I think it only makes him worse b/c it's just more pressure when he can barely handle the stress of a job.
I almost wish I never saw him as sober as I have...so I COULD focus on the bad, and leave it all behind. I am at a point where I need to move on. But I am a sucker and he cleans up and I give in everytime I have tried to leave. And then I feel worse about myself again b/c I didn't stick to my guns. It is a disgusting cycle.And smoking pot in my house - (his as well) is not acceptable and I keep repeating it and the craphead that he is just dismisses it b/c he needs it to get through the day.
anvilhead - you're right I am very confused right now and a total contradiction. I want to validate why I love him, why I haven't given up, I want to know this wasn't all for nothing. And at other times I absolutely despise him and I cannot believe I would associate with such a careless, deceitful liar. But I know he's trying. I'm just not sure I can stick it out...because I am hating myself as much as he hates himself. Very unhealthy... hence todays visit.

kj0975

Someday you will realize there is more out there. Someone that u deserve to be with. Its SO hard to walk away too. When the pain of staying becomes worse than the pain of leaving u will know its time to move on. Please this was the man I was going to marry, have kids with, be with forever. NOTHING could tear us apart. WOW sounds funny to even type that when hindsite is 20/20. I see where he is and where I am now in my life. I was single for a long time thinking I was going to be the woman with 100 cats in a rocking chair. Guess what that still sounded better than sleeping with my purse and the mood swings. You wont be single forever if u choose to leave him, and if you are its a much better life. You learn alot about yourself and what is acceptable and what u will put up with. Plus your better armed for your next relationship and u know u can live without someone.

Selah

thank you so much....that really hit home. it's hard to get out of the 'fear' cloud of losing someone you spend every minute worrying about ya know...
I used to love being single...I gotta get me back.

Selah

ha ha I'm really cute ya know..lol just kiddin...

kj0975

You know what once u end the relationship u have a whole new arsonal (sp) of questions for potential bf/gfs that u thought u would never have to ask. That way u can RUN b4 u fall in love again. I never thought in a million years I would ask on a date "so u do drugs?" at that point they dont know what to expect they either think u do so if they do they tell u and if they dont like them they tell u that too. Funny how life works. learn the hard way but u still learn. Such is life. Once the heartache was over I loved being single, I loved hangin out with friends, doing what "I" want let me repeat that what "I" want to do!!!! Life is good!!!

cinderellawkids

Sealah, I understand everything your saying (and the others) cause Ive been there and am there too.
So my response is going to about you not the addict and your behavior and I mean this lovingly as its what Ive said to myself and am now doing to improve me.
STart with your ever searching for what hes on: and STOP. If you cant control the search mission, how do you expect him to control something thats got a chemical and psychological hold on him?
I use to scream, search, smell his breath, hide tin foil search cell phone calls ect, cause I ahd to know, especially if I had a hunch. But what happened opnce I knew? Then I was angry, irate ect would tell him so, Id hold agrudge through his sick stage, nag, while and punish and then switch to th trying to fix everything stage ect. It brought me to complete poordom, almost cost my job and definately cost me my sanity to the point, the nice sweet sober him was worried I would hurt myself physically.
We separated for several months and I got a hold of me, starting working my alanon program more deeply and personally and started becoming a new me. We are back together, I cant say hes been 100% clean, I cant say Ive been 100% sane, but I can say I wont search for anything....If I have a gut feeling, I step away from the addict, I journal, I do things for me and I dont turn into tat crazy raging leaunitect (sp) and I will not fix his problems or what he could get himself into.
I now treat both of us with more respect by allowing him to live his own life and I dont take responsibility for him. By admitting I am powerless over his actions and my life was unmanageble Ive truly gotten my life back.
Please for you, look into alanon or naranon find a group and a sponsor and learn to love yourself and live for you. It truly is an awakening and there are ahppy endings for each of us with or without a fairy tale prince

kj0975

Gosh this is why I love this site. We all come and share our stories and help people. Remember you are in control of YOUR life he is in charge of HIS. Sometimes when we love addicts we forget about that. Now go get your groove back. Also just an FYI if u do break up with him be prepared for the promises, the lies, the I will change, I love u more than drugs speech too.

cinderellawkids

This is a reading I love and has helped me in so many ways:

thought this would be another good reading for the newcomer....

"Did I realize, when I came into Al-Anon, that alcoholism was not something the drinker could control by sheer will power alone? Of course I didn't! But when I have heard, over and over again, that the alcoholic suffers from a disease, why do I still speak and act toward him as though he were willfullly bad? I know, when I reflect on it, that the alcohoolic is basically a good and sensitive human being, but until this thought is firmly implanted in my mind, I will be unable to reflect it in my actions."

Today's Reminder

Arguments are useless against a sickess. Compassion and understanding on my part can have the power to heal because they will teach me not to punish. Even if the serenity I acquire in Al-Anon brings no change in the alcohoolic, it will at least have strengthened me to face my problems more reasonably.

"I pray to remember, every day, every hour, and especially in times of crisis, that hostile behavior onb my part will only add ufel to a fire that could destroy us both."

Cupicake

Selah....

Your point of view of your abf in your first post brought up so many memories of how I used to think. Early on in our marriage when I really got the taste of what an addict is I was beside myself. I mean...I was half kidding when I asked him "What are you on drugs?" I never meant it when I asked someone that question who was acting out of character. I had meant "have you gone crazy" or something to that effect.

In the beginning I would hide our dirty little secret and make excuses for his behavior or absence. Then when I spilled the beans because I couldn't take it anymore I would defend him. "Oh....he's not a bad guy. Only when he's high he's like this. When he's not he's a really good guy." I focused on his good points when people would ask me, "why are you still with him?" mostly in part because I didn't want the bad parts to be reality because I knew once I stopped defending him it would mean that I would have to face it and question myself as to why I am still with him and why do i continue to allow this behavior in my life. (I wish some of my earlier posts were still around. You would see that I would say things like...he never hit me, never stole from me... He would only use up his paycheck and disappear for hours or the whole entire night. Mentally I'm thinking he's different from all the others so things aren't really that bad.)

I think when we're not ready to see it completely for what addiction is we try to individualize the addict. "He's not so bad because....." or "The love we have is different because...." But if you really look with your eyes wide open you will see that addict behavior is addict behavior....they are so similar and that's one of the reasons why I know everyone here understands me when I need to vent about something because they've been through if not the same thing at the very least something close to what I'm venting about. Active use and sobriety/recovery are two different things...there is no half way.

I too got lost in his addiction. I got so lost that when I finally divorced him, and this is kind of funny but at the same time it's not, I had trouble picking out butter in a supermarket. For years I bought the butter he liked. Without him as the focus to please and help it was time to please myself and I didn't know how and I didn't know with what. I ended up buying three different butters by the way.

In the beginning I thought helping him was the key. But I learned here that letting him fall without me as the net was the key. I was enabling him. I, personally, couldn't sit by and watch him fall so I had to let him go. (That's an individual choice...I am not trying to convince you to leave or stay.)

My point is...when you begin to focus on you and what you want then you will figure out what you want to do. We get just as sick as the addicts but we just get sick in a codependent kind of way. Help yourself to find recovery from this.

When you make a decision...any kind of decision, and decisions are never easy and they're even harder to follow through on, make sure you are comfortable with it.

Newcomer...

I feel like we are in very similar circumstances, Selah. I was exactly where you are now about a month or so ago.
Now I'm done. And I have friends again... I go out with the girls again.... I'm still having some issues with going to bars with them - bring up a lot of bad memories for me, but I'm reminding myself that not everybody is an addict.... I went dancing last weekend with my girlfriends - I honestly don't remember the last time I did that. And, when I went home, there was nobody questioning who I was out with, if I danced with any guys, etc etc etc.
I booked a cruise with a girlfriend. I maxed out the one credit card he hadn't gotten his hands on, but I need the time away and I figure by the time I go on the cruise, I'll have the money... since I won't have anybody to "loan" my paycheck to anymore....

Leaving was awful. The pain was more than I can express. But the relief of not having to WORRY anymore, it was amazing. I don't think I realized how anxious I was all the time - it had just become part of who I was. I have a life again. When my friends call to do things, I don't have to think up a quick reason to tell them why I can't... because in reality I was staying home with him so he didn't go out with his friends and use... I'm not quite me yet, but I'm working on it....