KayM

I just need to get this out. You guys don't need to respond (though I always like to hear what you think!).

My husband is an EX-addict, but with continuing behaviors that bring me back to his addiction (lying, deceiving, arrogance, various minor breakings of law that could affect my financial condition).

Today, in the week prior to our anniversary, where we'd already made a date to have some "quality time" together this weekend (difficult for me, as my trust issues with him make wanting intimacy the furthest thing from my mind), I find him again deceiving me about a minor bit of "moral terpitude" that he feels compelled to participate in, despite repeated statements from me that it needs to stop.

I go to him to tell him that this build-up towards intimacy, with this deception going on at the same time, is part of a sick compulsion, on his part, to get away with anything he can get away with.

And I really do believe that his addiction probably did not CAUSE this compulsion, but rather the compulsion caused his addiction.

ANYWAY - being, I believe, borderline myself, I am today COMPLETELY depressed, though at work, because it just (wow, after 23 years - DOH!) dawned on me that HE WILL NEVER BE THE MAN that, originally, I thought he was and, later, that I hoped he could be. He just won't be that. EVER. When I get bummed about my marriage being a travesty, I cannot focus. I am at work, but logged on here, though I shouldn't be.

I always expect him to call, asking for forgiveness -- and he never does. And that just makes me feel worse. And, somehow, I end up apologizing, at the end of the day, just to "keep the peace." Otherwise, we both go into silent treatment, which makes being in my house unbearable.

I have a sucky life.

I don't want to leave, though. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

Well, I could write all day, but I do need to get work done. It just makes me feel better to unload.

I also want to say that I've been on a variety of relationship boards before -- but no people "get" the problems you have when you're married to an ex-addict/anti-social personality like the people here at SR! Thanks...

KayM

CatsPajamas

((( Kay )))

It took me awhile to learn that just because an addict stops using his drug of choice, it doesn't mean he will become a better person. Even if an addict works a 12-step program it isn't a guarantee that he's going to be easy to get along with! In my case, it meant I had a really messed up guy who just didn't use drugs to mask his pain and insecurities.

Are you able to attend any face to face meetings? I find a lot of support there as well, and I benefit a lot from hearing others share their experience, strength and hope. Although it's been awhile, I have also found it helpful to go to open meetings of NA and AA where I get to hear amazing stories of recovery from addicts and alcoholics.

I am sorry for the pain and frustration that brought you here, but welcome. You're among friends, and we really do "get" what you're going thru!

Hugs

Cats

hope213

sorry for your pain. when you have had enough you will know it. keep the focus on yourself, it works if you work it. hugs & prayers,

KayM

I'll be honest, Cats -- I live in a small town (near Boston, not in Boston) and have great concerns about the "anon" part of Nar-Anon meetings. Everywhere I go, I see people I work with -- I don't need to be running into them there. I know that this is my way of further "protecting" my H - I don't want people to know what I live with - not even my family knows. It's part being ashamed, and part fear that I'm opening a whole new can of worms once people know what he's like.

BayAreaPhoenix

Boy - it's almost like reading my story! I know how you feel. Hope213 said it, you will know when you've had enough. I sure did, one morning it just popped right out - "I'm done"! Thanks to my therapy, f2f meetings, and largely this board, I finally better understand that regardless if the addiction caused the behaviors or the behaviors lead to the addiction, he is who he is and I can want him to change (for his own good of course ), but only he can change if he wants to and who am I to decide if changing is for his own good? For my own good, I cannot be around this person anymore as my H. There are many here though that have managed to rebuild new relationships with the A's.

BayAreaPhoenix

KayM - just saw your post about the "anon" part. I too live in a small town, but my first step in figuring out about my marriage (this was before I knew about the addiction) I finally told my bf EVERYTHING. She couldn't believe I hadn't told her all these things, and as I finally said it out loud, the things I was ashamed to admit, that I felt like I was living a life that was less than I wanted and I had been accepting that, it was the biggest relief! My bf, of course, said I am NEVER to not tell her again when I'm not feeling good about something - 11 years of stuff came flooding out and 2.5 hours later I had just managed to hit the high-lights! But, letting go of the shame and embarrassment felt so good! I wasn't perfect, and it was OK. Then, when I found out about the addiction, since I was already an open book, I just went for it - I was not going to be ashamed of my life (or anyone else's) and what I was living or had lived any more because I was doing what I needed to do to help myself build the kind of life I do want, and that was more than OK. Just something to think about, and as for the "anon" part, they really do keep it anon, unless they know me and know I don't really have a problem with it. Think about it!

KayM

One thing that really bothers me, after I leave for work in the morning on a bad note, and I'm hoping that someone can offer advice on how they handled this in a way that worked for them: I leave angry. I don't talk to him all day. When I come home, I don't want there to be fights (tired of it), and I don't want to do the silent treatment thing (it makes living together pure hell) -- so do I just act like nothing happened?

Remember -- this isn't about a result of his addiction -- this is a disagreement about his morals (or lack thereof), and his disrespect of me, my morals, and our home (which is, financially, mostly mine).

This is the kind of thing that a "grown up" either wouldn't HAVE to deal with, or would be ABLE to deal with. Unfortunately, neither myself nor my H ever really grew up.

I really prefer to act as though nothing happened. Be as happy to be home as I want to be, and even nice to him. However, I really worry that this sends the signal, "There will be no repurcussions for your behavior." ALSO however, no repurcussions have ever really had any impact, short of me leaving, and I'm not willing to do that right now.

Thanks

kj21

From what i hear in your posts is you are not in a happy marriage, nor do you respect your husband. It is a long road and very bumpy but...nothing changes if nothing changes. If you keep on living your life the same way day after day, why wouldn't he?
Maybe spend some time thinking about what kind of life and partner you really want. then think about if he is that partner.
I hope you find some true happiness!!!

KayM

I just read the post from today from Selah, and my response is for this thread and for hers: first of all, Selah, I don't know how long you've been with him, but I've been with my now-husband for 23 years -- and the "good guy" that is OFTEN inside is still not ALWAYS inside him. He still has issues that make my life miserable, sometimes. And I'm exactly like you -- I'm a really strong person, who has NO PROBLEM being alone, but I thought my relationship with him was REQUIRED to make me happy. Only, it never REALLY has, for very long. Even when we're having good times - the threat of the bad times is always in the back of my mind, making me miserable.

But - as for why I've not left him -- there IS ENOUGH GOOD in him to continually trick me into staying. So, really, I'm not strong at all. I'm so weak I can't even hear myself.

KJ21, to answer your post -- when he's being "good," he's my best friend. We have tons in common. I'm the one whose morals changed, not him. I don't honestly know what I'd want in a life partner -- never thought about it. I think, now, that I will. I tend to tell myself that "except for trait x, he's really a great guy." But maybe I need to know what constitutes "great," to me, and see how "great" he really is.

I know I am dysfunctional and, probably, borderline. I know I have helped take this messed up relationship to the point where it is now. I also know that my dysfunctional heart has always thought I was in love with him, and probably always will think that -- even when I hate his guts. That's why it's so hard to just REMOVE myself, even though it'd most likely be the best thing for me. I would love it to work. I would LOVE to be able to talk to HIM about this (but then the accusations start to fly, both ways).

I'm babbling now... Sorry!

BayAreaPhoenix

Hey Federal Way! You are better than a V-8 smack up-side the head today! You are on fire and right on! It's motivational really to read your posts! Wish you could be typing in my head this stuff when I need it most! Keep it going!!!!!

KayM

You're right, of course, Anvil.

I have two brains - my logical brain, and my dysfunctional child brain, and it's the latter that gets me in trouble.

You'll see posts from me here, I'm betting, where I sound like a person with valuable life experience and good advice - then, the next day, you'll see a weepy, lost rambling plea for help.

I often bitch about my husband being Jekyll and Hyde, but I think I'm developing distinct personalities of my own!

I should post this in a new thread, but I'll include it here - I really do think I'm a borderline personality, and as hard as he is to live with, I think I need to work on me, because I do want to see what happens with our marriage if I'M HEALTHY. Right now, I'm not. I started the process of calling around to therapists today.

Thanks

Miss Pink

what is an ex-addict?

tryingtoheal

Go to the post on the Friends and Family of Alcoholics' forum called "Codependency Sucks - Never-Angry Partner." It defines a scary reality into the apathy/'spewing anger' that codie's have when their partner is this way...it explained a lot for me, anyway. Best to you...

rahsue

My first reaction to your post is "there's no such thing as an "EX" addict. It is my understanding that once you are an addict you are an addict for life, therefore need to work a program for life even if its a meeting once a year.

and as far as apologizing just to keep the peace, Hell no, so keep the silence, stop beating yourself up and apologizing.
someone on here has a quote at the end of their postings that reads

THE DEFINITION OF INSANITY IS DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AND EXPECTING DIFFERENT RESULTS.

Now your a good person who wants nothing more than some peace and quite frankly some honesty. Pat yourself on the back and move on with
YOUR RECOVERY FROM CODEPENDENCY

Best of luck to you, keep reading you'll be a pro in no time lol

:codiepolice