Why is this bothering me?

Old 01-28-2008, 05:26 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: New England
Posts: 82
Why is this bothering me?

I broke up with my boyfriend not so long ago. He continues to call, and I have to deal with him to a point because we have some financial issues that prevent me from cutting ties altogether.
He started a new job today. Turns out he needs to take a drug test. He knew that. I was with him when he interviewed for the job, and he knew he needed to pass the drug test. So he calls tonight all upset because he says he smoked marijuana over the weekend. Now, I know from experience that this is just about the only drug he does NOT generally enjoy. In the entire time we were together, he smoked marijuana once. Not that this should be an accomplishment, but compared to everything else he was doing, I just was not worried about it. I also realize he's probably lying, and for whatever reason, feels that I'll be more sympathetic if he smoked marijuana than snorting whatever pill he managed to get his hands on to crush up.
So, he tells me he's on his way to GNC to get some cleansing kit so he can pass the test. I remind him that if he has money to pay for the kit, then he should probably pay his half of our joint bill that is due by Wed. He then says that he has no money and will have to steal the kit.
Now, aside from me, and a few select family members, I have never known him to steal - particularly shoplift. I know its the cycle of addiction and that he'll keep stealing more and more as he becomes more desperate and people stop giving him money. I also don't know if this was just him trying to get me to buy the kit from him - and, to his disappointment, there is absolutely no chance of that happening.
What I can't figure out is why this is bothering me. For weeks he's been calling, I've been maintaining conversation when I've needed to to ensure that bills get paid and to sort out financial stuff we have to work out. No matter how high or drunk he has been when he's called, I've been able to hang up the phone and move on to what I was doing before he called. I don't know what it is about THIS particular call that is bothering me so much. There is nothing I can do about it. If he gets caught, maybe it will be good for him. He could use some consequences these days....
Then again, if he doesn't work, if he doesn't pass this drug test and loses this job, he can't pay the bills that need to be paid. Since the bills are in both of our names, I am just as liable as he is - meaning that if he doesn't pay his half, I am responsible for the whole thing. There is no legal way around it - I've tried. Maybe that is why this is bothering me so much more than it should. I guess in some way I'm feeling that it does affect me.
I have felt this anxious since I left him. I am trying to just focus on the work that I need to get done, but can't. Now, if I could just figure out why that is, maybe I'd be able to accomplish something...
Newcomer... is offline  
Old 01-28-2008, 05:45 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
CatsPajamas's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Hi Newcomer.

It took me a long time to untangle myself from my ex and his stuff. We were tangled up in all sorts of ways: financial, emotional, housewares, friends, pets, LOTS of stuff.

I had to sort of prioritize the ways I was going to disentangle from him. It's not easy ! Ultimately I had to just let some stuff go in order to maintain my boundaries and my serenity AND my sanity.

There are lots of people here who understand what you're going thru. I'm sure they'll be along soon to share their experience strength and hope.

Hugs
Cats
CatsPajamas is offline  
Old 01-28-2008, 06:04 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
hope213's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
sounds as if he is going to lose either way. he is an addict & he is going to use. when he gets caught shoplifting he is going to jail. i am sorry you are going through all of this. it has got to be hard. try doing something good for yourself & try to keep the focus on you. it is nothing you can do for him. addicts steal & they lie & thats what they do. try to stay strong.saying prayers for you & him both. hugs,
hope213 is offline  
Old 01-28-2008, 06:08 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: New England
Posts: 82
Thank you both for your kind words. I know all that, but it definitely helps to see it in black and white... I guess what is bothering me more is that I can't figure out WHY this is bothering me! Does that make any sense? Probably not - because none of it seems to.
I just feel like I've done so well seperating myself from his problems over the past month or so. But for some reason this is the one thing that is getting to me. I just don't understand why.
Newcomer... is offline  
Old 01-28-2008, 06:25 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
hope213's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
honey, could if be that you are scared he may get caught shop lifting & will not be around to help you with the bills? just a thought? did he help you alot when you lived together? he is an addict & i know how my a.s. is. he can not be depended on for anything. just take it a day at the time, & sometimes a minute at the time.
hope213 is offline  
Old 01-28-2008, 06:32 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
CatsPajamas's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
It's taken me a few years to tell my family the whole story of what our life was like. It comes in bits and pieces... it's not a big dramatic thing, it's just a statement of a fact or 2 and what I learned from it. My family knows I go to Al Anon and they are very happy that I got out of that toxic relationship.

One day at a time, it really does get better.
CatsPajamas is offline  
Old 01-28-2008, 07:17 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: New England
Posts: 82
Thank you to everyone and your support. I know there is no answer that can be given by anyone here. But I appreciate the opportunity to vent...
Newcomer... is offline  
Old 01-28-2008, 07:52 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
outonalimb's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Hi newcomer...

Welcome to SR !

I divorced my exah a little over two years ago. We have a 9 yr old little boy together so I will never be able to completely disentangle myself from him. I carried alot of debt out of our marriage...most of it in MY name only because by the time my ex had fallen into his addiction, his credit rating was shot and I was the only one who could borrow the money we needed to keep our home out of foreclosure, food on the table, and decent day care for our son so I could continue to work without having to worry if our son was well cared for.

I resented it like crazy. I lost alot of sleep over the fact that I was raising our son on my own entirely without any help from him financially in addition to having to pay off debt that I incurred as direct result of his drug use. I eventually had to give our marital home to the bank and walk away with nothing to show for 10 years of home ownership. I also had to declare bankruptcy to discharge most of the other debts and I was still stuck with $40,000 in loans that I took out against my retirement that will take me another two years to pay off. So I completely understand what you are saying when you say you don't want to get left holding the bag financially and that you find yourself engaging in conversations with him because its what you feel you must do in order to get him to pay his share of things...

The only thing I can say is this...Its only money. Try to consider the whole episode as a very costly lesson and accept the fact that your bf probably won't carry his end of the load. Do what you can to minimize the financial damage that will ensue and then let the chips fall where they may. I know this sounds so incredibly unfair...and it is...it really is...but you can't control his financial problems any more than you can control his drug use. They are one and the same. The only thing you can do is learn from your past mistakes and do what you can to get out of this mess as best as you can.

I hope I"m not making it sould like its an easy thing to do because it isn't. But it all comes back to acceptance. Accept that he is an addict and accept that he is everything that goes along with this condition...irresponsible, financially unstable, incapable of managing his affairs, etc etc etc. But the biggest and most difficult thing to accept (at least for me) was the fact that I had allowed the situation to occur. I stayed with someone in active addiction for what I thought were noble reasons at the time...preserving our family, getting my son's dad well, etc etc etc...but in doing this, I helped dig a deep financial hole for myself. Ouch ! Tough lesson but one worth learning. When I accepted my role in the problem, I found it a little easier to deal with the consequences...

Sending hugs and understanding your way...:ghug
outonalimb is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:26 AM.