Mlynn

I had a staff meating with my boss this morning. It seems she believes that my "issues" are interfering with my progress at work. She thinks all will be "cured" by weekly therapy appointments. I am not so sure.

I have been struggling with my personal life issues - and have had some traumatic events happen to me recently that required me to take a day off work while having a mental break down/panic attack. Before that though I had been making progress at work. I got into a car accident (was a total accidnet - no drugs/drinking involved - it was icy and I guess I hadn't let my car warm up enough on account of trying to make it to work on time - so my vision was impared somewhat by ice) and the other person involved physically assulted me - twice - before police arived. She went as far as to pull me out of my car and through me on the ground and beat me until a man pulled her off. I didin't press charges as I wasn't seriousley injured - and she was upset and not thinking rationally. She had a child with her - and I thought her mom going to jail - would do more harm then good.

I completley disassociated from the incident. The entire time I didin't feel anything. Not pain, or fear, or being upset. I was numb. I thought to myself "hmm I wonder how this situation will play out...lets watch and see what happens". It was like I was watching it happen to someone else...or watching TV. I completley manipulated the cops - intentionally. I didin't get cited or a ticket by acting young, and scared, and nieve, and afraid, and crying. I knew what i was doing while I was doing it. I went to work ready for the day totally unaffected....but was sent home and told to come back later. About 4 hours later after the lovley shock that was oh so warm and cozy wore off I was HIT hard by the emotions of what happened and I had to call off of work as I was having some sort of mental and emotional "attack" at home and going into work wasn't possible at that point. I locked myself in the bedroom and refused to answer phone calls from people who were worried or come to the door when it was knocked on.

Needless to say. I am terrified and think I might have some PTSD from the incidnet. The accident didin't happen but a block from my house. I am afraid she will come "after me". I know that isin't likley as she was just acting in raw emotion - but I am a tiny girl who can't really defend herself- who lives alone in a first floor apartment. I am afraid if she see's my car (she has my driver's lsc #) parked outside my house and recognises it (she lives in the area I believe) she might do "something". Is that crazy? You hear how people are hurt, shot, murdered, raped on the news everyday for revenge or whatever. I just keep thinking about how that could happen - and I am totally freaked out....especially at night. I come home and turn on every light in my apartment and check every closet and room before I can settle down. It wouldn't be hard at all for someone to break into my house unnoticed. I live off of an alley and there are only a few houses on the "street".

So I have 2 choices
1. Loose my job
2. Go to weekly therapy sessions to try to resolve my "personal issues" and hope things get better at work.

Loosing my job feels more comfterable to me then therapy. I almost feel like it wouldn't affect me much (it would rationally)...like it would be easier to just "start over" instead o struggling until I finially get fired anyways. I have little to no faith in my ability to "fix" things. I have beeing fixing things there for a long time and feel beat down and defeated - like trying wouldn't be worth it or affect anything at all. I try all day long - bust my ass doing extra to try to "prove myself" - and none of it matters in the end. I really have zero idea what else to do. I have been told I have poor judgment - and I agree - but I don't know how to have "good" judgement or what good judgement is or what it looks like or how I get it. If I do have poor judgement - then working like mad - won't fix that - and it will only be a matter of time until that poor judgement catches up to me agian. I think my supervisor has lost all faith in me.....which isin't unusual for me. I am talented....but. I'm a good worker....but. I have potential....but. Theres always a but...no matter how HARD I try...thiers always a but...and I can't seem to escape that cycle.

Part of me feels that therapy is nessicary. I know it is. I have a chronic inability maintain good things in my life. I sabatoge myself - hurt myself - destroy myself every chance I get - even if I don't "mean" to...it happens. It is inevitable that I will destroy every goodness that comes into my life - and hurt and push away every person who "cares" (I put that in " because it is hard for me to believe that people "care"...very hard. It goes agianst my instincts and I am constantly second guessing motivations and finding malicious intent and fault with people).

The other part of me feels that it will be useless to go (in regards to my job) and that I have so many "layers" of things to work through that I won't be able to resolve my "work" issues before I make another mistake which gets me fired.

How do you learn to be someone else. I can't magically unlearn all my "bad" behaviors through therapy. Its the only way I have lived for my whole life and I am scepticle that anything will help "enough" for me to change.

Growing

"The other part of me feels that it will be useless to go (in regards to my job) and that I have so many "layers" of things to work through that I won't be able to resolve my "work" issues before I make another mistake which gets me fired.

How do you learn to be someone else. I can't magically unlearn all my "bad" behaviors through therapy. Its the only way I have lived for my whole life and I am scepticle that anything will help "enough" for me to change."

Is your place of work willing to help pay for therapy?

I want you to know, that all you described, besides the accident and assault, is typical acoa type thinking/being. This is normal thinking and reacting for an acoa. You are not crazy...you are an acoa who experienced a traumatic event and are reacting the way an acoa would. "The 13 characteristics of ACOA's"...sticky above. We treat ourselves this way in a "crisis" event also.

We here, to varing degrees, have dealt with the emotions, negative thinking and negative self-talk, self-sabotage ect. that you have described. IMHO, acoa's reach a bottom also...that bottom is when life comes at you fast, and you DON'T have the tools you need to deal with the crisis, because of how we were raised. You reach an impasse, where your old ways of dealing don't work anymore.

Whether you quit your job or start counseling or do nothing, I think this is some sort of turning point for you. This may be an important next step in your recovery. Whether you get "cured" or "well" or "healthy" or not....you need to know that you have *choices* and that YOU are the author of your life.

In an ideal world, I would hope that you could quit your job, live with a loved one who really "cares" AND go to therapy...but thats just me and I know it may be unrealistic...but you do have choices...more than we have even thought of.

We care for you. We have been through alot of where you are at right now and made it to the other side. Don't worry about getting "well" right now or how long it will take...just do what feels like the next right thing to "care" for yourself.

Try to believe that you WILL be able to deal with these problems and you are stronger than you think...how do I know this?....I am imagining what you have ALREADY survived so far....

My prayers and care are being sent to you and....a power greater than myself.

Growing

Growing

((((((MLynn))))))

"Needless to say. I am terrified and think I might have some PTSD from the incidnet. The accident didin't happen but a block from my house. I am afraid she will come "after me". I know that isin't likley as she was just acting in raw emotion - but I am a tiny girl who can't really defend herself- who lives alone in a first floor apartment. I am afraid if she see's my car (she has my driver's lsc #) parked outside my house and recognises it (she lives in the area I believe) she might do "something". Is that crazy? You hear how people are hurt, shot, murdered, raped on the news everyday for revenge or whatever. I just keep thinking about how that could happen - and I am totally freaked out....especially at night. I come home and turn on every light in my apartment and check every closet and room before I can settle down. It wouldn't be hard at all for someone to break into my house unnoticed. I live off of an alley and there are only a few houses on the "street"."

This isn't crazy...try not to be scared of PSTD. Your physical body is attempting to take care of you in the only way it can. It is saying, "Hello.....something is seriously wrong here and is in need of your attention."

We ignore ourselves and our needs...You can't always do that...especially in a crisis situation. You are guessing at what is normal....any "normal" person *could* develop PSTD from this type of accident and assault. You deserve the "right" to feel. You deserve therapy. You deserve love and care. You deserve to learn how to love and forgive yourself.

Your feelings and description of yourself are identical to how I used to feel about myself ....it is scary. Seriously, everything you said....I could say also. I identify with you 100%.

If I can do it---you can.

Wascally Wabbit

I would think it over real good and decide what is the most important thing you can do for yourself? If you must have a job, then going to therapy will help you keep it.
Therapy is good for you. It will help you sort a lot of things out if you follow the therapists instructions and suggestions.
What can it hurt?
You won't be learning to be someone else, you will learn how to be a better you.