You Know What Bothers Me Most?

Old 01-28-2008, 02:40 PM
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You Know What Bothers Me Most?

It's not that she drinks...because I have no control over it. I can't stop her. I can't lmit her. She is going to drink no matter what I say or do.

But what really irritates me the most is the fact that she just does things to drive me crazy. Knowing that I worry like I do about her, she seems to gloat in that...she seems to want to watch me wriggle around and worry about her.

Just like right this minute. I know she's probably out drinking already with her friends...and she's not doing anything else but sitting there drinking...and probably bad mouthing me..the butthole husband who says she is out of control..and they are all going on about bashing me....

But the fact that I worry...is she in a ditch..is she wrapped around a tree...is she in jail for DUI...is she ok....and she knows I call...she pretends not to hear her cell phone..or can't hear it for the party going on...and she refuses to answer...probably looking right at it...thinking "go to hell"....

And then, when she calls, if I don't immediately answer her...I must be out cheating or doing something that I don't want her to know about since I didn't answer.

Their overall lack of concern, their incapability to genuinely care about anyone other than themselves, their lack of common courtesy...those things bother me far more than dealing with a drunk wife every night.

Why do I worry so much? Why can't I just drop it all and walk away? Why do I even care? What am I so scared of that I can't just walk out tonight? Why do I let this crap worry me....it irritates the living hell out of me.
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Old 01-28-2008, 02:52 PM
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Powerful words from my friend Minnie:

She's not doing it to you, she's just doing it.

L
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Old 01-28-2008, 02:53 PM
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Looking back, when I was in the midst of all the worrying, my attempts to reach my AH was both an attempt to control and a passive agressive means of letting him know I was angry or felt abused. The phone calls or the worrying accomplished nothing other than increasing my discomfort.
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Old 01-28-2008, 03:02 PM
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Seems I suffer from the same thing - even though we are in the process of splitting up - I still worry .. he knows I do too - maybe that is part the control they have over us... or maybe it is just me - if we are in the midst of it is is hard not to worry.

And yes i get the must be cheating crappola if I am not there to hear his call... dang I hate it

would sure like to hear from those that can least control thier worry so they do not feel like they are going insane

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Old 01-28-2008, 03:04 PM
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Originally Posted by shakarris View Post
maybe that is part the control they have over us
No one has control over you unless you permit it.
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Old 01-28-2008, 03:33 PM
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anvilhead - if I may just how did you do it and if it is not pryig what were some of the boundries to make you not go over the top wIth worry - oh i know he is not worried but i am.. what if he gets in an accident cause he is not smart enough to grab a taxi.. etc

He said it so clear to me the other day - while we were out with friends he was ready to go home and he just left.. me there wondering if he was in the restroom or whatever - when i finally relaized he was gone - i came home - was mad but more embarrased that yet again he left me sitting somewhere. After a some what heated discussion - i simply asked what if i did that to you.. he replied i would not be here talking to you thats for sure.

63 days and counting...
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Old 01-28-2008, 04:01 PM
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What am I so scared of that I can't just walk out tonight?
I don't know what the answer is for you, but I was afraid that if I walked out and stopped obsessing over what my boyfriend was drinking/doing then I'd have to figure out why I allowed myself to be treated so poorly for so long. And that's hard work.

Walking out the door was like walking out of the darkness and into the light. I should have done it years ago.
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Old 01-28-2008, 04:06 PM
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Actually Asking Why as the Alcoholism progresses we don't even care about ourselves other than to keep the alcohol in our bodies.

Many years ago while still practicing my affliction and married to my first husband, who in reality was also an alkie, just as not as far along as I was, I called him from Dallas, TX to let him know where I was, seems I had been gone for 8 days, and you couldn't have proved that by me.

Asked him how was I suppose to get home, his answer..................................."the same way you got there, use the f****** charge card" and this out of the mouth of a mucky mucky Air Force Intelligence Officer.

Many years later, after our divorce and I was sober and he still wasn't we could laugh about it but it was a 'sick' laugh. Living with a practicing alkie whether an individulal is also an alkie or not is absolute H*ll!!!!!

Please for your own Sanity, check out Alanon!

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 01-28-2008, 04:39 PM
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While I am not an alcoholic, I am a drug addict and I can tell you that I use to treat my ex the same way. He thought that I flaunted it and honestly I probably did but I really didn't mean to. And I always thought that I did such an amazing job at hiding it, that I was a functioning addict. And I really didn't care what he thought, I really didn't care what anyone thought. Addicts and alcoholics will rarely change for other people, we feed on selfish actions. And I cannot imagine how that feels for you to be to terrified to give an ultimatum because you are afraid of the outcome. It really isn't fair. And I'm sorry that I used to treat people the same way. I can tell you though and it took me a while to understand this, as pissed off as you get at your wife and as desperate as you feel, you must come to find that it is not her you are angry with. It is her poison of choice. The alcohol is what controls her. I sincerely hope that she comes to realize how much she is hurting herself and you.
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Old 01-29-2008, 07:21 AM
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Why do I worry so much? Why can't I just drop it all and walk away? Why do I even care? What am I so scared of that I can't just walk out tonight? Why do I let this crap worry me....it irritates the living hell out of me.

Why? Easy we are all caring people who honestly see the light at the end of the tunnel for our partners. We see recovery in them when all they can see is darkness.

The hard part is they keep doing things that wear down our good will and after time our desire to care is whittled away to nothing leaving us with memories of better days and hopes that were shattered beyond compare.

One time my AW and I were in Colorado for a friends party and this was a month before I found out how bad her drinking was. Her friend had a wine party and everyone there was hammered. Partying went on until the wee hours but I knew we had to drive back to IL the next day so I was responsible and called it an early night. I woke up at 5:30 and heard my wife in the next room then I heard mens voices. I cracked open the door and there she was with just a wet, white T-Shirt on sitting on the couch with 2 guys in just their underwear. By her story they got drunk decided to hit the hot tub, no suit so skinny dip, one guy made a move and she turned him down. I was devastated and hurt beyond belief. She doesn't think it was a big deal since nothing happened and that hurt even more.

I look back now and realize this could be any given night, it could go much further and it may have and she doesn't even remember it. The alcohol has taken away her common sense about what is right and wrong and blinds her as to what needs to be done to save herself and our marriage. They all get this way and like many have said it takes hitting rock bottom before they finally open their eyes and see the destruction they have left behind them in their wake.
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Old 01-29-2008, 07:38 AM
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Why do I worry so much? Why can't I just drop it all and walk away? Why do I even care? What am I so scared of that I can't just walk out tonight? Why do I let this crap worry me....it irritates the living hell out of me.


I know, for me, it was because I was so scared of taking care of myself.

We worry, we fret, we bang our heads against the wall, "Why can't they see what they're doing?"

And all the while, we can't see what WE'RE doing.. effectively relinquishing our sanity and ability to make decisions.
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Old 01-29-2008, 08:00 AM
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They all get this way and like many have said it takes hitting rock bottom before they finally open their eyes and see the destruction they have left behind them in their wake.
Instead of taking the hard road and waiting for someone else to open their eyes, I can take the easy road and simply open mine.
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Old 01-29-2008, 09:40 AM
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
Powerful words from my friend Minnie:

She's not doing it to you, she's just doing it.

L
I have to say DITTO! I have those words deeply within from Minnie, a very wise one!

It feels as if she is doing it to you but honestly it is just what addicts do!

Maybe try to take the focus off her and try putting it on yourself and seeing what is out there such as Al-Anon or counseling to help you to disengage in the chaos and drama that she is creating for herself. She is making those choices to do what she is doing.....

Make the choice for you to not try to "Fix" her because let me tell you from my own expierence it will never happen! We cannot control anyone or anything but ourselves!

Lots of luck to you
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Old 01-29-2008, 10:33 AM
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I used to call constantly, he would have numerous missed calls from me. I'd sit at home and literally make myself ill with worry over where he was, what was he doing, was he safe, was he in danger? The times I would sit and agonise, I couldn't relax to watch TV or read or eat or sleep. I would get up every few minutes and wonder around the house, stand on the dor step and see if he was coming down the road, walk around to his haunts and see if he was there, listen at his friends front door to see if I recognised his voice. Then when he would finally come home and pass out I would check his phone to find that he had cleared his missed call reminder. When I knew he had seen my calls and not answered or thought to call me back I would be filled with anger and sadness. How could he not care? How could he be so selfish? Surely he must know I've been worried sick with not knowing and he could've made it all better just by calling me! I bet he sat in his friends laughing about how pathetic I was calling me names like he did to my face etc.

Then one day I realised, all the pain, all the sickness, all the restlessness, the sleepless nights, missing out on my life, was no ones fault. I was choosing to live that way. Through that decision to mother him, I was making myself ill. He is an adult. I am an adult. He doesn't call me every ten minutes when I go out, not because he didn't care, but because he wasn't obsessing about me the way i was with him. I had made my bf my world, and as a result I couldn't see the world anymore.

I decided to stop. Then I felt better. Then I found me again. Now he is finding himself.

Lily xxxxxxxxxx
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Old 01-29-2008, 11:58 AM
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I just recently stopped worrying...thinking aboutit etc...

I think I was able to do so when I learned that I can't expect the A to act as if he is not an A.
Also that I cannot get in the way of letting him hit bottom.

These things helped me because instead of wondering if he was drinking I just told myself he was.
And instead of worrying if he would get too drunk, hurt himself, etc. I just told myself if he does maybe that will help him.

Now I know longer worry and focus my energy elswhere. It feels great!
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Old 01-29-2008, 01:06 PM
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Askingwhy she;s doing her thing whether you like it or not. Choose your life askin I did and it's heaven and like former dormat said "I should have done it years ago"

Mair
xx
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Old 01-29-2008, 01:20 PM
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
She's not doing it to you, she's just doing it.
I learnt the same lesson in quite a painful, but ultimately very rewarding, way. I had contact with both my predecessor and successor at various points. Guess what? He acted exactly the same with both of them. And I mean exactly, in quite a freaky way.
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Old 01-29-2008, 02:44 PM
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"Living with a practicing alkie whether an individulal is also an alkie or not is absolute H*ll!!!!!"--laurie

I agree with laurie...why do we try to convince ourselves that it is not hell? Maybe we are just in hells waiting room?

I would also add...to the comment about...the reason why we do this is because we are "caring" people. You are not caring for yourself. You are not caring when you are effectively destroying your own self worth. You are not caring when you are injuring your own psyche.

Are you caring when you are choosing to destroy yourself, your self worth and your sanity? Instead of hurting the alcoholic..You are hurting yourself, taking it out on yourself, drinking the poison and waiting for the A to get help? To hit a bottom? I will take this poison, and then when the A sees what they/I have done...they will get sober...maybe.

I agree with formerdoormat. How about not drinking the poison and asking yourself some questions...what happened to YOU where you were considering self-harm as a solution? Like emotional suicide? How is that working for you? How is that helping the alcoholic? How is that love?
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Old 02-21-2008, 09:27 AM
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you love her i know IM there now very draining
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Old 02-21-2008, 09:33 AM
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Originally Posted by AskingWhy View Post
Their overall lack of concern, their incapability to genuinely care about anyone other than themselves, their lack of common courtesy...those things bother me far more than dealing with a drunk wife every night.
The lack of concern, inabilitly to care for others, lack of courtesy IS what a drunk is. Your drunk wife cannot be a drunk wife without being all of the above mentioned.

It takes one to know one........I was that drunk wife who was also all of the above. Since getting sober, I'm not those things anymore.........working on it anyways
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