hbb

Hey guys!

Sometimes i'm a bit reluctant to write this as i've been struggling for a long time with this and take all of it so personally, like it's my fault. I consider myself to have FINALLY turned things around in my life. I'm now living and learning for ME. I am now able to say the word "no" if i want and when i want for the first time without feeling guilty. I'm not worried if a friend doesn't call me right back. I'm definately more laid back these days and genuinely much happier without the drama and chaos in my life. I'm learning who I am for the first time in 33 years...

BUT the one thing i keep wondering is if J pops into my mind daily, and sometimes several times a day, do I pop into his head daily or several times a day? I know there's no true answer to this but it's something that i've been struggling with and soooo curious of alot of the time. I really and truly know it doesn't matter what-so-ever but can't help but wonder. I have friends that tell me if he's at all human he hasn't just written you off from his brain and memory but sometimes i wonder if that's true. I do know it's all speculation but it really saddens me how you can pass someone on the street and at one time be best of friends and the next day not even acknowledge they exist. Life's too short, it's not right, does he even care at all how much i loved and cared for him to say "screw her and her feelings". I guess if there was anything i'd like to know, it's if he has regrets of how things ended and if there are still feelings there despite the getting back with his ex and so forth. I would have bet my life that things would have NEVER panned out this way. There are certainly days i miss talking, laughing and just texting little notes back and forth. I miss him alot sometimes and it's that much harder because it's been a while now. Its almost like since so much time has passed that my brain almost forgets how bad things were just this past Summer. I asked my friend if it was possible that i'm moving on, getting the help i need, getting better and that maybe someday he may wake up down the road and say "what did i do along the way to/with her". He agreed that that day could come and hopefully by then it wont' matter either way the end result of his dealings with it. God, there's no other way to say it other than J really screwed me up and tonight i'm upset that i'm allowing myself to be as upset as i am right now. That power he still has over my emotions and the anger i have been feeling.

From what i've been experiencing daily with seeing him here and there with no reaction, i know after what's happened that he's not going to go waving like we are best buds but just thoughts i've had as to wondering if he thinks about how things went down and how they ended between us. It saddens me at times, not alot because i know i deserve better than that but can't help but wonder......

I guess i'm wondering if other's experience this head game of trying to figure them out once they are gone....I'm am finding it hard to move on because now i relate every one to treat me like J did in the long run and it's only a matter of time. I've lost trust and wonder if it's a permanent loss.

Thanks! :ghug

splendra

Yea it does sound like a head game you are playing with yourself. For what it is worth I would imagine he does think about you. He probably does feel bad maybe one day he will have the balls to make amends of some sort.

I hope for your own sake you can get to a point of letting it go...be gentle with yourself.

hbb

Thanks Splendra, i think for the most part for me, i'm doing well. It's just the lonely nights like this one that gets me thinking when i should be reading or doing something else.

I also wanted to stress in my original post, i just wanted a place to come tonight to just write and get it out as to how i was feeling at this moment. I truly know there are alot worse cases and i'm truly not seeking anything other than i just wanted to get it off my chest.

I know a dead horse has been beaten here with me over the months but felt the need for me i guess to write it out and re-read my thoughts, which i know is journaling but wanted to know if it was normal to feel this way from time to time

kermit

From my experiance with my ex, I believe that he thinks of me often, and believe in my heart that he loved me, enough to walk away because he didn't want to hurt me any more, I think of my ex everyday but I have his children, and I think that makes a difference. But then again somtimes I think of my high school sweetheart!

keepingmyjoy

(((hbb)))

I think it is entirely understandable for you to have him pop into your head and for you to wonder the things you are wondering. IMHO, I feel that we invest so much into a relationship (us codies invest too much! hahahah), that it seems understandable that we wonder if that was ever appreciated by our SO's, or if they think of us etc.

Your wondering: "it's if he has regrets of how things ended and if there are still feelings there despite the getting back with his ex and so forth."

Well, with my AH, he has occasionally on a clear moment validated that he regrets how things ended up and wishes things were different. But he is working a program right now and while I know he has not been completely sober, he appears to be trying. Since your EXAB is not working a program, he probably has not allowed those thoughts, and if he has, he has probably had to drink them away because he appears not to be ready to look at them.

Just do the best you can with taking care of you. I am glad you posted your journal type thoughts. I with you 100%...you are making great progress and just keep trying to move forward a little each day in taking care of you! Hugs!

hbb

I woke up on the RIGHT side of the bed today, last night it just caught up with me and i should have let it pass before writing everything. I feel alot better today thanks to you guys. I know things are and will be better without him in my life. I'm going to just keep working on me

Mair

Hi HBB
IMO i think that this is a normal thing to feel. this is a man who has caused havoc in your life, it's going to take time to feel normal again with peace and quiet. I think of my xab too i wonder what he's up to and wether he's ok; whether he thinks of me ive no idea probably does but his cure for this is to do what he always does and drink.

When i have quiet days when im peed off with something just feeling low then i reminise (spelling sorry)think about stuff usually him. But when things are going my way i dont give a hoot what he thinks or anything. Its to do with the payoff that kk was talking bout that is what's missing in my life not him. when i get bored or misrable that's when its so dangerous for me to make contact with him cos it's what I get out of it; ego's back, superiority's back, drama's back.

To answer whether they miss us or think of us think what their payoff would be?. Peters would be
*she'll drive me to pubs
*she can tolerate me
*company when i get home from pub
*she belives what i tell her hence get away with murder.

All these things can be replaced very easily for him, any old fool can replace me for his good payback feelings. ALCOHOL IS HIS TRUE LOVE, not me.

That's why it's so important for me to take control of my feelings.

H glad your getting stronger dont knock yourself for thinking of him it's part of your recovery.

Mairxx

cdk1972

I completely agree with keepingmyjoy. I struggle with this, too, as you know. But I also "know" in my case, that any time S does think of me, he probably pushes it right out of his mind with a drink. He did that when he was with me about anything stressful, so i guarantee he does it when i pop into his head-its about avoidance and denial, and alcoholics, as we know, can be masters at avoiding anything painful or uncomfortable. He treated me poorly, and he knows it - admitted it, and to now face up to that makes him feel guilty. A feeling that is not comfortable for anyone! Its easier for them to get rid of that feeling than to face it. So maybe J DOES think about you, or maybe he forces himself not to by whatever else he can do to avoid it. It sucks, i know. but as you have said, it doesn't matter anymore. It's about you, now. and you are loved!

sketscher

This happens to me frequently, and what helps remind me is going back to my old threads (some of which are gone....which confuses me???) or journal writings. Or reading other peoples stories because they are often so similar. You like me were never married to your xabf right? Reading the stories from spouses who are still living the nightmare makes me really cherish being alone even when I do miss to companionship.

DesertEyes

We've had problems with the server. About once or twice a year it crashes and makes a mess of everything. Tons of thread get lost, and some get scrambled. It sucks, but until somebody invents a perfect computer we just have to "detach" from the servers' problems

Mike

hbb

Yes your right, i was never married and i think daily about the unfortunate husbands and wives that are still struggling with this horrific disease. More often than not, i tell myself how much better off i am but sometimes i lose sight of that. Supposedly he is in recovery but who knows, it's all speculation at this point. I've realized that everytime i think "she won" i look at the pathetic prize and they won nothing other than a lifetime of misery and headed for great struggles. I on the other hand, today in fact, have financially bettered myself to where i was before all this drama and chaos entered my life and for that i'm greatful. I feel last night was one of those bumps in the road and Oprah had a show yesterday about people never getting over their X's and how it effects the family and friends and i don't want that.

Mr. Christian

In the past I had wondered of her thoughts.
Oh yeah all the time we spent together, how could she.

All I mean to her, how can she not.

Well in the grand scheme of things, it does not really matter what they or anyone else thinks. It’s there thoughts and they deal with them.
The bigger question should be this.


Why do we care?


Have the time we really don’t love people for what they are, but we love them for what we want them to be.


It just so happens that we need to accept them for what they are. Even if that means we don’t like what they are.

I have learned this too late in some respects.

I just went through this myself with someone I was seeing.


Most of the time people just go on with their lives and they turn the page to the next.
Many of us here keep reading the same chapters over and over again in hopes that things will not changes.
But in every story we must go to the next chapter if we want to see how the story ends.

justjo

(Us humans can be a mixed up bunch LOL) You know I was just talking to someone the other day about how screwed up things can get. It seems love and emotions of the human play a big part in how we live our lives. We are all so different and we seem to be a product of our past, but if we have the ability to change what we really want , wow, the mind can do wonders.
We can seem to let others control our existence, how we feel, how we react and I also have been questioning this for sometime.
For me anyway, letting go of certain things in the past, knowing I didnt control that, but now can control my future through attitude has made my life so much more fulfilling. Understanding that decisions I made, good or bad in the past happened for a reason, has helped smooth the future.

After all this babbling of mine, I guess what Im trying to say, is this, does it matter what hes thinking right now, how important it is and at the end of the day what has happened, has happened and its time to create your own life in a healthy and loving way. He wont forget you, he is just like you, we all have a past.

gns

I don't believe my ex thinks about me or misses me. Like Mair said, what I was to him was really not that meaningful and specific. Any woman would do. If that woman added to what other people thought of him - that was better. It was a difficult realization, but a freeing realization. I may have loved him, but he did not and could not really love me in any meaningful way.

karmakoma

Playing Devil's Advocate for a second, Heather.

What if you were just a "blip" in J's story? What if you meant nothing more than a distraction, a ready source of money and attention? What if you were being used to get over his ex and when that didn't work, he went back to her? What of you meant very little to him?

If you're going to play the "What if?" game, then it makes sense to do it from all angles.

(I did this in relation to my ex. The answers brought much more peace than the alternative, strange though it may seem.)

hbb

Maybe i was a blip, but i'd like to think that he did truly love me and care about me to the best of his ability. I know he's beyond screwed up and probably will be forever as he won't seek help. It still doesn't excuse his treatment and bad behavior.

Well now i don't know how to feel about the whole situation!!

denny57

Why is it important that someone "beyond screwed up" loved you?

It isn't about him.

LaTeeDa

Allow me to share another viewpoint. I see my XH every other weekend due to exchanging custody. I believe that he did truly love me and care about me to the best of his ability. We were together 20 years. Only about 5-7 of those were "beyond screwed up." What makes me believe this? Sometimes I see the puppy-dog, verge-of-tears, look in his eyes when I come to pick up the kids to come back home with me, where they spend 83.7 percent of their time according to child support calculations.

Does any of this validate me or make me feel any better about the way things turned out? Absolutely, positively NOT! It only makes me feel bad for him and bad for me that all of this turned out the way that it did. Quite honestly, sometimes I think that if he would just get on with his life and not be so obvious about his regrets it would be easier for everyone involved.

I think the question to ask yourself is why do you want him to think about you? Why do you want him to regret his mistakes? What do you get from him feeling bad? Play the tape all the way through........

L

hbb

I guess i don't feel as though things were resolved, not that there's a cut and dry with a break up but it's hard to swallow that someone can come into your life and disappear (literally) and never speak to them even with regards to a financial tie, and for the next 3 years. So i'm just never going to hear another word.....I guess deep down i don't want to hear from him, guess i'm waiting to hear the "i screwed up a good thing" but will most likely never hear those words and need to make my own ending to all of this.

LaTeeDa

You're right, you do need to make your own ending. And even if he were to come to you and tell you he screwed up, would that make you feel better? Think about it. I mean really think about it, visualize it. Close your eyes and imagine him coming to you on his knees and begging your forgiveness. Then what? You kick him to the curb and get revenge? You take him back and ride the roller coaster some more? You forgive him and get on with your life?

Only one of the above choices will actually make you feel better, right? Ironically, it's also the only choice you can make without any input whatsoever from him.

That's what I mean when I say play the tape all the way through.

L