Back to some "practical" advice
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Back to some "practical" advice
Hey all! Still doing good, at least I think so, haven't really been tested this week so not totally sure about that - but I'll take what I can get.
I asked this once before, and the answer was - no answer, and that was the right answer! This time however, I'm just looking for some phrasing, etc. I am not great at communication - the say what you mean thing I get, it's the getting the point across the most simple way that I have a problem with.
It is getting close to the time to sit down and have a chat about our finances - buy-out of the house mainly. I do not see how he has the ability to do so and this is where I am wondering if any one has some great sentences.
In my version (which will be too long winded and rational). He has taken out over $35,000 from his savings now in the last 13 months, leaving him about $25,000 in savings. He has not reported any income for 2005 or 2006 so there's no way he could qualify for a refinance taking money out. I have no idea what his credit cards look like, but I am guessing they are higher and carrying balances of some sort - if not a really BIG sort. Prior to all this he NEVER would be carrying balances and he NEVER would be taking money out of savings!
So, I would like to be able to say to him - here is the buyout amount $XXXX. He will then (I am assuming) pull out the old he's put more into this house than I have blah blah blah and he doesn't want to have to work until he's 70 (well, he wouldn't have to work until he's 70 if he had worked like he was supposed to these last few years and not used savings to pay bills and buy drugs he wouldn't be in this position - he could buy me out no problem!). I know that regardless of money - but I have put in money and TLC - it doesn't matter in CA - 1/2 is mine. I think I would like to say to him - I know you don't have the money because I know you've taken out over $35,000 in the last year +, so it's either this full amount (because I wouldn't trust him to work enough to pay off a note to me) or I can buy you out for the same amount (I've been pre-approved!!!!! yeah for me!!!!). He will pull out all sorts of manipulations, if the past few months are anything to go by. I want to calmly say I don't believe you, I know what I know, take it or leave it, if we have to sell we'll both get less. Now - I know there's a good clean way to state some of this - and I'm just looking for some ideas on what's the best way to phrase it. Honestly, not one of my strong suits at all! I don't want to get sucked into a debate of any sort.
In my opinion, I need more recovery under my belt to really navigate this well, but I don't have time - the timing is coming up fast, and while I feel like I have made good progress, I just don't feel like it's enough yet, but I can't stop it - it is going to happen, whether I'm ready or not.
So, anyone out there good at communication? Phrasing of any sort - good words to recommend, anything like that.
Well - if anything comes to you, something good you've used before, or something you think of. I'm reading and reading - have had some great inspirational stories this week and I will definitely re-read those.
In the meantime - hope everyone enjoys some peace this weekend!
As always - many many thanks!
I asked this once before, and the answer was - no answer, and that was the right answer! This time however, I'm just looking for some phrasing, etc. I am not great at communication - the say what you mean thing I get, it's the getting the point across the most simple way that I have a problem with.
It is getting close to the time to sit down and have a chat about our finances - buy-out of the house mainly. I do not see how he has the ability to do so and this is where I am wondering if any one has some great sentences.
In my version (which will be too long winded and rational). He has taken out over $35,000 from his savings now in the last 13 months, leaving him about $25,000 in savings. He has not reported any income for 2005 or 2006 so there's no way he could qualify for a refinance taking money out. I have no idea what his credit cards look like, but I am guessing they are higher and carrying balances of some sort - if not a really BIG sort. Prior to all this he NEVER would be carrying balances and he NEVER would be taking money out of savings!
So, I would like to be able to say to him - here is the buyout amount $XXXX. He will then (I am assuming) pull out the old he's put more into this house than I have blah blah blah and he doesn't want to have to work until he's 70 (well, he wouldn't have to work until he's 70 if he had worked like he was supposed to these last few years and not used savings to pay bills and buy drugs he wouldn't be in this position - he could buy me out no problem!). I know that regardless of money - but I have put in money and TLC - it doesn't matter in CA - 1/2 is mine. I think I would like to say to him - I know you don't have the money because I know you've taken out over $35,000 in the last year +, so it's either this full amount (because I wouldn't trust him to work enough to pay off a note to me) or I can buy you out for the same amount (I've been pre-approved!!!!! yeah for me!!!!). He will pull out all sorts of manipulations, if the past few months are anything to go by. I want to calmly say I don't believe you, I know what I know, take it or leave it, if we have to sell we'll both get less. Now - I know there's a good clean way to state some of this - and I'm just looking for some ideas on what's the best way to phrase it. Honestly, not one of my strong suits at all! I don't want to get sucked into a debate of any sort.
In my opinion, I need more recovery under my belt to really navigate this well, but I don't have time - the timing is coming up fast, and while I feel like I have made good progress, I just don't feel like it's enough yet, but I can't stop it - it is going to happen, whether I'm ready or not.
So, anyone out there good at communication? Phrasing of any sort - good words to recommend, anything like that.
Well - if anything comes to you, something good you've used before, or something you think of. I'm reading and reading - have had some great inspirational stories this week and I will definitely re-read those.
In the meantime - hope everyone enjoys some peace this weekend!
As always - many many thanks!
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: ca
Posts: 103
Hi again - I am no great communicator but when it came down to sitting down with my husband to discuss our home sale (I can not afford it on my own and he is not responsible enough to handle it on his own) I stuck with the facts. I, like you, had researched all my options and knew what the likely routes to take were. We sat down and I explained our situation in the most unemotional voice possible, like I was his banker or attorney or something. Then I said, "based on these facts, here's what I see our options are." I reminded him that we bought this house together and we therefore had to make the decision about the fate of it together. At the end of our conversation I told him he could think about it, and I welcomed any ideas he had on the matter.
The hardest thing for me when talking to my AH about anything these days is to do it with respect and try to approach it as though we are on the same team. After all the manipulation, lies, etc etc it's hard but the alternative to approaching things that way is that he becomes defensive and unreasonable on purpose.
Good luck with the conversation, and let me know how it goes.
The hardest thing for me when talking to my AH about anything these days is to do it with respect and try to approach it as though we are on the same team. After all the manipulation, lies, etc etc it's hard but the alternative to approaching things that way is that he becomes defensive and unreasonable on purpose.
Good luck with the conversation, and let me know how it goes.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Could you involve a third party, such as a lawyer or realtor, to be present? Or better still, to have the meeting in one of their offices? It would continue the business-like communication, and therefore be more in YOUR comfort zone, which would in turn be what is BEST FOR YOU. Sometimes we need to find "help" in this recovery process, instead of trying to do it all alone.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
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Mooselips - I'm holding out as long as I can - I'm with you, but I can "feel" it coming... by the way mooselips, I keep meaning to tell you - I love your quote (I happen to love anything with ketchup so it's especially appealing!!!!)
Anvilhead - Atty. won't be avail. for a week, so in the meantime, I'm where I'm at - but I know what you mean - however, even with atty. help, I still will have to communicate face to face - and like I said, not sure if I'm all that ready yet - but will have no choice. OT - mirror lake - close to Edmonds? Or am I thinking of a different "lake"?
HoldingoutHope - appreciated! I will keep that in mind, it certainly sounds good! I will definitely keep it mind.
Maybe I'll be fine with what I've got, but this just happens to be an area where I have always felt lacking- from business letters, to any sort of debate, conflict or confrontation - so being my future (emotional - short term, and financial long-term) I just don't have much confidence in this arena. Right or wrong, just lack the confidence -
I
Anvilhead - Atty. won't be avail. for a week, so in the meantime, I'm where I'm at - but I know what you mean - however, even with atty. help, I still will have to communicate face to face - and like I said, not sure if I'm all that ready yet - but will have no choice. OT - mirror lake - close to Edmonds? Or am I thinking of a different "lake"?
HoldingoutHope - appreciated! I will keep that in mind, it certainly sounds good! I will definitely keep it mind.
Maybe I'll be fine with what I've got, but this just happens to be an area where I have always felt lacking- from business letters, to any sort of debate, conflict or confrontation - so being my future (emotional - short term, and financial long-term) I just don't have much confidence in this arena. Right or wrong, just lack the confidence -
I
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Peaceteach = we must have been typing at the same time. I would love to do as you suggest, and I think you are right on - guess I failed to mention that I can't push, pull or drag him to a mediator, or any other sane reasonable place of business that will ask to see his personal finances. I now know (or think so anyway) that it's because he's hiding something - like the money out of savings for one. He is SUCH a kid! What was I thinking???!!!! (rhetorical!)
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Breathe! What a concept! As always, all this is great for me to remember and get reinforced - Hoping nothing gets pushed before I get in to the atty. Just "feels" like it's getting ready to POP, so it's making me nervous. Breathing, facts, it's the rest that has been a bit out there, which is why I'm looking for anything I can grab on to in my head instead of hurling unproductive "stuff". You know, reflex and all that. But, let's just hope it doesn't pop soon and as Mooselips said, maybe he'll run down his money some more and make it easier!!! (Is that the chicken way or what?)
Good ole Federal Way! I'm from Edmonds - I knew it sounded familiar!
Good ole Federal Way! I'm from Edmonds - I knew it sounded familiar!
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