nytepassion

Yep .. that is what he admitted yesterday

He is sorry and he knows what he has done is wrong .. he didn't see it until now. He is being nice and caring ... he is sorry ...

and well my heart I know that he is sorry and he does feel very bad


He boasted and bragged about having places to stay and threatened to go stay there IF I didn't shape up. Every time I didn't breath just like he wanted he would get mad and take off in effort to punish me (little did he know he was doing me a favor) It was peaceful here when he wasn't around. The only reason I have put up with a quarter of his crap was because I was afraid for Dakota .. Her boat had been rocked and I didn't want to rock it more by kicking dad out. Plus he holds the insurance card and I was afraid that if I made him leave he would quit working and I wouldn't have insurance for her or my other precious children.

He is sorry .. sorry that he threatened to leave and I'm making him stand by his word. He IS LEAVING whether he wants to now or not.

I honestly believe he has no TRUE remorse for the things he has done or the way he has treated me or the children (mine and his) He has been too polluted to care.

Just before Christmas the kids and I had planned to go over to the church and decorate the sanctuary ... (what a wonderful family thing to do together), but his friend, Brian's wife just had a baby and he was planning on going over there having a few drinks and seeing the baby. I looked at him and said, I see you've got your priorities straight. He said, Don't worry Sher, I do have them straight .. I'm going to see the baby first .. then have a few .. he laughed. I said, Yep you've got them straight alright .. tonight YOUR FAMILY is going over to the church to do something good, right, pure and wholesome. We are going over to decorate at the church, eat pizza and fellowship .. I told him I was making a memory for the kids .. They would remember when mama took them to the church to decorate and how much fun they had, but DADDY wasn't there. I told him they will have lots of memories where daddy wasn't there and it was and is a darn shame.

He ended up coming over to the church, but not until he had gone to see his friend and take him some pot to smoke. Yep, his priorities are straight alright.

You know, a week before I found out that Dakota had cancer .. I had prayed to God to break the bondage of addiction (if you all remember I had relapsed with opiates and alcohol) I asked the Lord to break the bondage of marriage between me and the bar and the people at the bar. (I invested so much of myself into drinking and that place that I felt married to it) I prayed and asked him to cause me to be a better mother ... and he started on it right away and he is working on it still....

For 12 years I had been running from God .. because I blamed the Lord for my marriage falling apart with Scotty.. the pain was far to great for me to bare and I ran .. I fell on my butt in the dirt, stayed down, poured water over the dirt and made mud out of it .. I played in the mud for a long time .. because it was just to hard and painful to get up and walk with God.

I had some major trust issues with God .. I felt he had betrayed my innocent child like trust when my marriage to Scott didn't turn out the way I wanted and thought it should have.

I cried out to God last year in March to cause me to be a better mother and a week later I found out Dakota had cancer ... My entire being filled with fear that my Daughter was going to die, but I heard the Lord say, "Trust Me" Like a little one just learning to walk .. I heard Him encourage me to take a step .. and each time I fall He says, c'mon .. get up and keep walking towards me ..(as terrified as I was .. I heard myself say, I trust you Lord .. I trust you) and I do trust Him.

In the midst of my marriage falling apart .. I trust Him ..

I trust Him to figure it all out .. to fix it the way He sees fit. He knows whats best. I don't .. I know what I want, but what I want may not be what I need. I've been doing things my way for far to long .. I am in the process of turning it over all to Him.

I am scared as I have said before, but yet excited too ..

(I know that all this God/Lord talk may not be some on this forums cup of tea)
but I believe that the Lord has me here to share my life experiences with others here and God is a big part of my life therefore to censor Him out would be changing the story and the glory .. If you know what I mean (I'm a tell it like it is kinda gal) LOL


Passion

bookmiser

You, my friend, are amazing. You are the most put together, strong,
don't-take-no-crap-from-no one- kinda gal, that I would love to be like.
I'm honored to know your story, and your heart.
Keep walking in God's light. He shall see fit for you and your children.
I love your story of decorating the church. What a great gift to give your
children. Your a great mom, Sher. Don't ever forget that.
Linda

caileesnana

I agree!!!
susan

nytepassion

I'm cryin' here LOL .. tears of joy and appreciation that God has surrounded me in and with light and love for such a time as this.

I love you all!

Passion

CatsPajamas

And we love you, Passion.

splendra

((((passion))))

I am very glad that you have gotten right with God. With or without addiction it is always good to be thinking about what God wants for us.

Be gentle with yourself okay...

Cindi R

What a strong woman you are...
I salute you, my dear.
Big warm caring ****{hugs}}}.
Thanks for sharing your story.
I'm sure that things will work out even better than you could possibly expect.
Prayers going up for you and yours...

Impurrfect

(((Passion)))

You have always amazed and inspired me...and you continue to.

I appreciate your faith...that is all that has kept me going many a time, and you know what? That was all I needed. God hasn't always given me what I wanted, but I've certainly gotten what I needed, and so you will and the kids.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

cece1960

Its a pleasure to walk with you ((((Nyte))))

Jewelz

((Passion))

I agree with everyone.. you are such a strong woman and I wish i had an ounce of the faith you have... if I had just that i think I would be okay.

Hugs,
Jewel

mooselips

Passion,
I am happy to be along on this new journey in your life.


Don't forget to give yourself some TLC,
hugs, and LOTS of prayers coming your way...

cece

Sometimes when people are in a dark place. And they look up and see someone bathed in light, they hate that person. You would think it would be the opposite. They would reach out to the light and grab some of it for themselves. It seems logical that they would turn to the healthy, happy person for help and support. And some do. Actually that's why they are attracted to that person in the first place. They think that by being with that type of person they will also feel that peace and happiness. But for others, after awhile, they perceive the person who is healthy and happy as a reminder of what they are not. It's a constant reminder of their miserable self-inflicted life. So they grow to hate it and avoid it. It's not a conscious thing. It's usually a gradual loss of faith from their failure to change and the other persons inability to make it change. And so they get angry at the person who isn't fixing them like they thought they would. And blame them for their unhappiness. They could have the same things, if they wanted, but they either refuse to find it, work it, accept it. believe it, etc... And again, we can't make them see it's all there for them too.
You seem like the type of person who is bathed in the light even when you hit dark corners and struggle. Try real hard not to let this change that. Its easy for me to get bitter and angry when relationships fail this way. But feeling healthy is too important for me to let it consume me. You seem to be working through it very well. Vent here always as I do, and then keep focused on your health.
Cathy

Miss Pink

If God brings ya to it...he'll bring ya through it.

Don;t doubt it!!

Ann

Amen

Passion, your journey continues and I have a feeling there are wonderful days ahead for you.

Hugs

hope213

we are here walking with you. hold your head high, i have a feeling the best is yet to come. hugs & prayers,

greeteachday

Sure wish you weren't across the country...I'd love to sit and share a cup of tea with you, hear your story and watch your beautiful kids playing outside...Thanks fo sharing all you do here with such honesty...You truly are an inspiration.


((((Cathy)))) thanks...Something I needed to read today.

cmc

(((Nyte))))
I feel privileged to witness your faith and your honest approach to life, and will be praying for you and your family.

Elana

when I was down, your words gave me strength. Part of me saving me was you and your path and sharing it.

I prayed for Dakota and I pray for you now as a member of my church. We are evangelists and have been told we are disciples. I am not so good at that job myself, but I face it and I try. When I saw you had gone this path with more strength and courage than I, it made my path easier.

You words, describing your husband's behavior, could be my words describing my XABF's behavior. Yeah.. they are sorry.. but not for any pain they have caused us or because they truly want to change and live decently.. they are sorry because they lost the place to sleep, the roof, the security and (in my case) someone who always made sure the bills were paid on time.

You have a friend here in NY.. all that way from Oregon.. tho we share the same path and the distance is small in the eyes of God..

nytepassion

Thank you all .. I am so blessed to have you as my friends and extended family.

Elana, your post gave me the wind I needed to sail today .. ty!

Hugs and Love,
Passion

Hangin' In

Nyte,

Thanks for sharing so much of your recovery and journey.

You know, I was always a believer in God, raised in Christian home. But my faith didn't take off until God brought me into the rooms of Al Anon. Ironic that the thing that has caused me the most pain in my life is the very thing that has caused my "spiritual awakening". That 12th step says it...."After having had a spiritual awakening"...

You know, God is so much bigger than we give him credit for. He can do more than we could ever imagine. My mind is so finite when his is so infinite.
Thank God for recovery and his involvement in it. I have an Al Anon friend who says she knows when we get to heaven we're going to see the 10 Commandments beautifully posted. But look over to the other wall, and there will be the 12 steps, because we know who authored them..

I told a friend the other day isn't this just like God to be so smart and create recovery so we could find him? I'm so grateful, so very grateful.

Hugs and prayers. God is there, walking right with you, holding your hand.

Hangin' In