Chrysalis123

I am going through a divorce. My long history with AH is very similar to all the sad stories read on this site and one day 14 months ago I crashed and burned realizing my life was out of control and was behaving in a crazy fashion. Once that happened and I began my shaky first attempts at boundary setting and finding my long lost self all hell broke loose with the AH. All the manipulations and lies reached an all time high and I filed for divorce 10 months after my crash...cause it took me that additional time to get the courage and emotional health.

Now my question concerns the divorce settlement and parenting time. My AH suffered an amputation 7 years ago during a DUI auto accident. His HP graciously spared his life...all the surgeons and others couldn't believed he survived the wreck. As I contemplate the future I wonder if some kind of consequence should be written into the divorce settlement in the event of another DUI? I know that would be me seeing to it a consequence and deterent was in place. He swears he loves his kids and wants to be with them and the threat of loosing time with them might keep him from drinking. After the accident he was dry for a few years but he is now drinking again. On the other hand is that too controlling of me or is it good common sense?

Thoughts......

LaTeeDa

I always try to examine my motivation when I am trying to make a decision. From what you said above, it appears that your motivation is to keep him from drinking.

I don't know about Colorado, but here in Calif. you can reopen custody/visitation/support issues any time circumstances warrant it.

L

Cindi R

Ask your attorney, but I seriously doubt that that is something that could be written into the divorce decree.
However, I think that it goes without saying that if he's been drinking that you will not allow him to pick up the kids for a visit.
If something else like that happens, then perhaps you can modify the visitation to include supervised visits.

DetachMe9

Good to hear from you C123; was wondering what you're situation was recently.

What did you have in mind regarding the consequence or the language you want in your dissolution? Does your attorney have suggestions or ideas about others who have done this previously? My AH's divorce papers from his first wife have it stated specifically that he will not be allowed parenting time with his son in the event he is intoxicated, or something along those lines.

I'm with LTD, though. Always important to check your agenda/motives first .

hadenoughnow

In my case my attorney suggested that a provision be added to the parenting time agreement that says that AH will not consume alcohol or any non prescribed controlled substance when our son is in his care. This is for our son's and my protection as well. If it is in the custody agreement and the A is drunk and acting out I can remove our son from his care.

LaTeeDa

Thank you for perfectly stating the difference between protecting the child and attempting to control the A. Excellent boundary.

L

GiveLove

This sounds like a good solution, C123. Are you able to talk to your attorney about this?

GL

Chrysalis123

Thanks for the replies.

In my case my attorney suggested that a provision be added to the parenting time agreement that says that AH will not consume alcohol or any non prescribed controlled substance when our son is in his care. This is for our son's and my protection as well. If it is in the custody agreement and the A is drunk and acting out I can remove our son from his care.

I just met with my attorney yesterday to put together a settlement proposal. The attorney wants us to participate in another mediation which I protested at first ( our last attempt at mediation involved face to face time with AH in which he manipulated me and the mediator and in which he stonewalled or out-right didn't do what he said he would do.) Anyway I started thinking about my AH's ability to lie and realized if the alcoholic behavior got out of control I could be hard pressed to do something about it if something isn't in the dissolution. I emailed my lawyer with the question and he will get back to me on Monday.

I think my motivation is in part healthy and in part controlling, so thanks for bringing that up. I want the kids to be safe most of all and I'm glad I atleast asked. The old me may not have even asked.

I have lots of anger to work through in regards to AH and right now I am working on just plain old detaching. Hopefully the detaching in love will come in time. Boy, this is sure hard. Thanks for the help everyone.