Having a Hard Time
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: St. Louis, Mo
Posts: 72
Having a Hard Time
I've really been struggling the last couple of weeks to keep my composure. I was reading my al anon book last night. Specifically chapter 11 I think it is that talks about forgiveness and love and detachment. I'm having a really hard time with this right now for some reason. I know my husband has a disease. I know I should be able to love him without resenting him. I do love him with all my heart, and he's wonderful. His attributes far overshadow his "disease", but for some reason, this week, I'm just having all these hard feelings towards him. I don't know if it's just because it's tax time, I just bought a new van (so my car payment increased by $100), his child support just got increased $142 per month, and both my kids need braces (which is $10,000-as if) and it's all just stressing me out and coming out as resentment towards him for his lack of ability to help with financial decisions, or what. Any suggestions? Maybe if I just keep reading that chapter over and over.....
'Round and 'Round I Go....
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 478
This day will pass....
I often still get resentful over my exrah not being there to help with any decisions at all or anything that need to be taken care of when he was actively using and we were still married. In a marriage you expect to be able to rely on your spouse when things get to be too much or if you need help in any area....decisions, fixing something, buying something, etc. When you can't you end up having to be the one to pick up the slack. That's a tough load to carry when you're doing all of that and taking care of normal day to day responsibilities.
Here's my quick fix: Take a breather for today. Step back away from the stress, it'll still be there for you tomorrow. For today find something you enjoy and forget about the rest. You deserve a break.
I often still get resentful over my exrah not being there to help with any decisions at all or anything that need to be taken care of when he was actively using and we were still married. In a marriage you expect to be able to rely on your spouse when things get to be too much or if you need help in any area....decisions, fixing something, buying something, etc. When you can't you end up having to be the one to pick up the slack. That's a tough load to carry when you're doing all of that and taking care of normal day to day responsibilities.
Here's my quick fix: Take a breather for today. Step back away from the stress, it'll still be there for you tomorrow. For today find something you enjoy and forget about the rest. You deserve a break.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Maybe you are reading the wrong chapter in the book. Maybe you need to go back to acceptance. And try the Serenity Prayer. Try to people version.
Lord Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the person I can and the wisdom to know its me.
Hope your day goes better.
Lord Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the person I can and the wisdom to know its me.
Hope your day goes better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: St. Louis, Mo
Posts: 72
Originally Posted by hello-kitty 
Maybe you are reading the wrong chapter in the book. Maybe you need to go back to acceptance. And try the Serenity Prayer. Try to people version.
Lord Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the person I can and the wisdom to know its me.
Hope your day goes better.
Lord Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the person I can and the wisdom to know its me.
Hope your day goes better.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
it is all about acceptance & realizing that you are powerless over your husband.powerless over what he does or does not do, what he can or can not do. take care of yourself, do the best you can & keep coming back. there is alot of info here & alot of loving people here that can help you through most any problem that arises. prayers,
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
I understand how you're feeling. I have struggled with acceptance as well. I've learned to discern that there is a difference between acceptance and acceptable behavior. Sometimes, my accepting a situation has led me to putting on my victim dress. I accept that RAH is going to behave however he is going to behave. I also know that those behaviors might not be acceptable to me though and nor something that I want to live with. There is a big difference between the two concepts and it took me a long time to recognize that.
Whenever I have a resentment it helps me to immediately begin to understand my part of it....generally, it has to do with denial, poor self care, lack of boundaries, lack of self-discipline to carry out the consequences for broaching those boundaries. All that 4th step stuff.
I've always heard that if you are having trouble with a step, then you need to go back to the one before it and rework that. I really wasn't able to get where I needed to go by just reading alanon literature. I've really needed a sponsor and face to face meetings. I've started over again and again with step one: I am powerless and my life is unmanageable. Honestly admitting my circumstances allows me to finally get to work on what I need to work on...the steps show me the way. My thinking has become extremely distorted while living in the realm of addiction...I have needed the steps to relearn how to live life. All of those problems that you speak of have a solution. The solution cannot be found with an active addict....that is unfortunate but true. Even when they are not in the throws of using their brains are hijacked and you are not really dealing with the real person. I'm not saying that you can't remain with an active addict - just that they really aren't capable of true partnership.
Living with and loving an active addict is an extremely difficult situation. There is a lot of pain that bubbles to the surface as time passes. I've had to go to "school" to learn how to process the resentments and let go of them. It takes work but it can be done.
You are on to a program that can help you learn how to deal with all of those things. No one will tell you to stay or leave an addict...I love mine and chose not to leave him. Once I chose loving myself and doing right by myself everything began to change between us. RAH has been sober from crack/drugs/alcohol now for 2 1/2 years. We didn't stand a chance without me working a strong recovery. It has been the hardest journey of my life but we have today.
Thank you for sharing and helping to remind me to stay true to myself. I am so grateful to have this forum and glad that you are here and posting.
Love, Donna
Whenever I have a resentment it helps me to immediately begin to understand my part of it....generally, it has to do with denial, poor self care, lack of boundaries, lack of self-discipline to carry out the consequences for broaching those boundaries. All that 4th step stuff.
I've always heard that if you are having trouble with a step, then you need to go back to the one before it and rework that. I really wasn't able to get where I needed to go by just reading alanon literature. I've really needed a sponsor and face to face meetings. I've started over again and again with step one: I am powerless and my life is unmanageable. Honestly admitting my circumstances allows me to finally get to work on what I need to work on...the steps show me the way. My thinking has become extremely distorted while living in the realm of addiction...I have needed the steps to relearn how to live life. All of those problems that you speak of have a solution. The solution cannot be found with an active addict....that is unfortunate but true. Even when they are not in the throws of using their brains are hijacked and you are not really dealing with the real person. I'm not saying that you can't remain with an active addict - just that they really aren't capable of true partnership.
Living with and loving an active addict is an extremely difficult situation. There is a lot of pain that bubbles to the surface as time passes. I've had to go to "school" to learn how to process the resentments and let go of them. It takes work but it can be done.
You are on to a program that can help you learn how to deal with all of those things. No one will tell you to stay or leave an addict...I love mine and chose not to leave him. Once I chose loving myself and doing right by myself everything began to change between us. RAH has been sober from crack/drugs/alcohol now for 2 1/2 years. We didn't stand a chance without me working a strong recovery. It has been the hardest journey of my life but we have today.
Thank you for sharing and helping to remind me to stay true to myself. I am so grateful to have this forum and glad that you are here and posting.
Love, Donna
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