LucyA

Hegotgame posted about his father being sick and how the alcoholism affected him through his life, (and first of all I really want to thank you for sharing that Hegotgame) this really made me stop and think about my nephew and how, or if, I can help him now, rather than be helping him pick up the pieces in 5 or so years time. (He's 10)

His father is alcoholic, stopped drinking twice and had severe withdrawals which my nephew witnessed, hallucinations and paranoia etc. He's also seen my parents hiding, covering up and enabling his father. His dad's taken him to bars, drinks around him and has at times left him home alone so he can go drinking.
My sister in law died earlier this year from breast cancer, so my nephew also has that to deal with.

I tried to get social services involved a couple of months ago (my nephew missed school because his dad wasnt fit to get him there, and I wanted someone to be looking out for the little one) They visited twice, once because my parents had taken my nephew to their house, because they said, they didnt want him involved with SS and 'in the system'.

My brother and nephew live about 2 minutes walk from my house, and my nephew comes round from time to time to hang out with my boys, otherwise apart from seeing him around I don't have much contact with him. (I've told him he can always come to me or phone if he needs/wants to)

Am I doing the right things? can I do anymore? will anything I do make a difference to the child?

Sorry this is a bit long, thanks for reading it.

GingerM

In your position, I think I would probably invite him over to my house more often. He is probably too embarrassed/afraid/untrusting to just invite himself over for fear of rejection. But if you invite him over, that's open and available.

If I could, I would work on developing a relationship with him and possibly talk to him alone about what's going on at home. Maybe even see if I could take him to a meeting - claiming it's for my own benefit of course. If not, then I would drop suggestions about how to deal with the behaviors he has to deal with at home, but I would always do so in context of it happening to me (even if I had to make stuff up to do so) or to a friend.

I would steer clear of doing anything that makes him feel like he's a freak or he has "problems" or anything else that could be seen as negative to a highly sensitive CoA.

I would also do my best to keep him out of SS system - but that's just me. I would do what I could to keep him at my house as often as possible (and if he gets along with your boys, that's great).

That is what I would do, given the description you have given us. That being said, I obviously don't know every little detail, so I'm not sure if it would work or not. There is a point where I would consider getting SS involved, but not until I had done everything in my power to keep him safe myself.

GiveLove

The thing that saved me as a young child (and I had a similar upbringing to your nephew) was being exposed to other, normal, loving circumstances. I was able to see that my situation at home was not the only way things could be. Truly, with the perspective of other people, I was able to see that my home life was the thing that was messed up, not the entire world.

Ginger's advice to expose him to love, support, and normalcy as often as you can is great advice. And making it clear that he's welcome and wanted, any time, is great too, as is making careful attempts at conversation.

The talks that helped me the most when I was a child were the ones that focused on my own life and its possibilities......people who asked about my interests and my dreams for myself, and who took the time to show me all of life's possibilities (how one would go about becoming x, y, or z) are the ones I'm most grateful to nowadays. They kept me from falling into the swamp of self-hatred and hopelessness, by showing me there was always a doorway out.

Other than that, unless his father puts him in mortal peril and you really fear for his life, this may be all you can offer until he gets a little older and can strike out on his own.

Just keep him safe from the madness, and love him as well as/as often as you can.....and show him how life is supposed to be, as best you can, by making an example of your own life, which is hopefully free of the chaos and "unsafeness" of his home life.

Growing

Sorry...this rambles:

From the time I could remember anything, both of my parents were active alcoholics.

I agree with Ginger and GiveLove...exposing your nephew to normalcy as much and often as possible is the best way you can help.

Let me say from the start...if your nephew is being severely neglected or physically harmed than discard what I say and do what is best.

I remember I would get real tired of people trying to talk to me about my *specific* situation....If they talked to me about alcoholism...that was different....does that make sense? I would have loved for someone to educate me about alcoholism...Al-Anon or Alateen...I think they have books for children....and the three C's...I didn't Cause it....I can't Control it....I can't Cure it....but focusing on how my parents were failing me...how awful they were...this would have upset me at 10yrs old...this would have alienated me, because, at that time, I was so young and immature that I LOVED my parents and was extremely loyal to them, even though the situation was awful. I didn't realize how unacceptable it all was until I was an adult and it took the program and ACOA to help me.

I agree with Ginger and GiveLove, I can't stress enough how important it is to make your nephew feel wanted...so inviting him to do things often and making him feel valued is medicine. Like the others have said, ask him about his interests, what does he want to be when he grows up? Focus on that. Maybe, expose him as best you can to his interests....baseball?...racecars?...ect...but somehow...finesse him so he doesn't feel like a science project...you know what I mean...

I remember every single person who was kind to me when I was growing up....it is that important. But I was female, and with boys, it may be different...simpler....like he may just need a safe haven...somewhere where he can just "be a boy", play games ect. in a calm environment.

I had family members who invited me to do things fairly often...but they never openly questioned my parents authority...because they knew if my parents ever felt uncomfortable, they wouldn't allow me to go over there anymore...don't know if this applies to you...if not..discard it.

I had relatives who practiced detachment almost perfectly....and without a program!
They really helped me then, and their care is something that has helped me on into adulthood. They loved me while I was there...let me go when it was time no matter what the state...because they trusted that *there would be a next time*. I imagine they were worried sick about me, now that I am an adult and look back with adult eyes. But they never let their worries interfere with taking care of me and they were never antagonistic to my parents...They accepted that my parents were alcoholics...there was nothing they could do to stop them....but they could take care of me when given the chance.

My maternal Grandfather lived next door and was exposed to the craziness of my house the most...I ran to his house when they were trying to kill eachother....literally...sometimes mom would call the cops...My Grandfather never talked to me about any of this....but he was like a surrogate father to me.

One day...when I was about 10yrs old, he was holding my hand and walking me home...he began to CRY (the only time I ever saw this WWII vet cry) and he told me that what was going on at my house was wrong and that he was never ok with it and that I deserved so much better and I wasn't getting what he had wished for me....His words were more powerful because of his reserve....because he never talked to me about it. That was the first and last time he ever addressed the issue. I will never forget it.

I hope this helps you and your nephew,

I will be praying for you,

Growing

LucyA

Thanks to both of you for replying. I'm doing the things you suggest, but it's reassuring to have someone else confirm them, I've never been in his shoes so I don't have any idea of his perception of things.

He comes to stay with us overnight from time to time, not as often as he used to though as he worries about his Dad and obviously wants to be with him, he comes to hang out with my boys and sometimes chats to them about how things are going and what goes on at home (they tell me, but I would never ask them about their conversations) I chat to him about ordinary everyday things that I chat to my own boys about, school, football etc, and sometimes we chat about his mum (I have her photo in view and we were good friends so it's easy, but she was divorcing his dad when she died and I know my brother doesnt talk about her in a positive way)

The one thing I don't push is talk about his home life, I do ask how his dad is and the dog and stuff, and I tell him about when his dad and I were kids, I'm hoping if he wants to talk he will.

LucyA

Growing, thank you so much for sharing that, I think, no I know, my nephew WAS being neglected, that was the reason for me trying to involve Social Services, and I have to say I still think it was the right thing to do at the time because since then (admittedly to the best of my knowledge) my brother hasn't left him alone.

I had considered talking about alcoholism with him, I've talked about it with my own boys and they're only a couple of years older. I think next time he's here I'll try to steer the conversation gently that way. To be honest I was shocked at how much my children already knew about my brother, and they don't spend so much time around him.

Chrysalis123

Boy, your post stirred up some memories in me. Maybe my story will help you. My mom died 4 weeks after my 13th birthday and my dad didn't cope well. He spiraled off into a woman chasing/party lifestyle and it was horrible for me. I had 2 younger siblings, 11 and 9 at the time and we were cared for by a series of housekeepers, one of which was cruel to me. I remember being chased by this crazed woman weilding a cast iron frying pan.

I had an irrational fear that my father was going to die like my mom did. I remember being very worried about power tool accidents, car accidents etc. Parents are not supposed to die and it rocked my world to the core and maybe your nephew is experiencing something similar. People stopped talking about my mother and I wish they would have talked about her. It took 10 years before I could speak about her without crying and that probably upset them. I wished at the time people would talk about her but I didn't know how to ask for that.

I desperately wanted to belong and I know that is the root of my current codependency issue. I was to shy to ask though. I remember a neighbor had me over for dinner a lot and that helped. I wanted people to show an interest in me. I wish I had been talked to and taught more. I basically parented myself. I wanted to know how to do adult things like cook, handle money, how to decide about schooling etc. A big one was puberty and I had to figure all that out on my own...not fun buying bras and tampons by myself. Dating wasn't addressed at all either. I wondered why my relatives left me alone....maybe they didn't know how bad it had become for my brothers and me. Your nephew is so lucky you are concerned.

I wish I would have had one constant presence in my life while growing up. One person that was there for me, that wanted me, that liked me and thought and communicated what a great kid I was. That would have helped me get through the death of my mom and the emotional abandonment of my father.

I commend you for looking out for your nephew. His HP is at work through you!

Growing

I agree with Chrysalis123...your nephew is lucky to have someone like you who cares about him.

"That would have helped me get through the death of my mom and the emotional abandonment of my father."

That statement is so powerful...I agree again...some kind of grief work or grief counseling may help father and son...

LucyA

Chrysalis123 thank you for sharing, I'm sorry if they were bad memories I stirred up, but if they can help another child I think you probably agree, it's worth it, thank you for sharing. I was moved to tears because what you described is exactly how I imagine my nephew feeling in a few years time, I don't mean any offence by that, just that if I can do anything to stop him feeling that way, I will. I wish there'd been someone there for you too Chrysalis123 and everyone else who's been through stuff like this, alcoholism is a terrible thing and I'm just learning why it's known as the family disease. (In fact I'm just learning full stop)

I know my nephew is worried sick his dad is gonna die, just like his mum did. I know because I was there when my own mum told him his dad is sick and I tried to explain there are different types of sick.

I've no more to say at the moment, I'm just overwhelmed by the fact that so many people are wiling to share so much of themselves, thankyou so very much.