Barbara52

Some of you may remember me talking about my children's father throwing my older son out of his household and that now he is ticked off at me because I wouldn't present a united front against my son. Well, the ex is still angry and now is refusing to pay half of my younger son's medical expenses basically just because he is mad at me.

My younger son (18) is aware that his father is a rather controlling and angry person of course. What I am wondering is just what level of conversation about all this with my son is normal.

Having grown up in a dysfunctional alcoholic family I truly do not know what a normal level of sharing of what is going on and discussion of what I may need to do is normal.

I want to be as open as possible with my son since he lives with me and feels the effects of his father's actions. I have tried very hard not to bash his father since we divorced almost 16 years ago since children shouldn't be put in the middle of disagreements between divorced parents. But my son is now a young adult and has his own experience and opinions. His father threw him out when he was 16 and he knows dad has issues. My son and I have a very close relationship.

So, just what is normal? I don't want to hold back more than is appropriate nor do I want to say more than is appropriate.

MsGolightly

in my opinion, i guess it depends on how mature you think your son is. once you have an open discussion with him, you'll probably see he knows more or has more feelings/opinions on the topic than is apparent right now. you could start by asking him what he feels about his dad and everything that's happened, and take it bit by bit as to how you want to share or explain. i think it becomes important to be honest once kids reach a certain age... he might even appreciate it and learn a new thing or two.

Barbara52

My son has improved in his maturity and understanding of his relationship with his dad, what kind of person his dad is and so on over the past year or so due to his wonderufl therapist. He often surprises me with the insights he has about why his dad says and does things. He truly has grown immensely with his therapists help.

The things I am tempted to say would be nothing new to my son. If anything he has an even clearer understanding of his father in many ways since he lived in his father's household most of the time growing up. I just worry that I am bashing his father. ANd then start feeling guilty for no good reason.

LaTeeDa

The test I use when talking to my kids is my motivation. Am I telling them something that will help them to understand? Or am I telling them something to make me look better and their father worse? I believe honesty is very important, but I can sometimes convince myself that I'm only being honest when really I have darker intentions. So, I always ask myself these questions before I go there. It's tough because sometimes what I have to share provokes a negative reaction. Then I have to ask myself again, was I trying to provoke a negative reaction, or was it just the natural response to the situation. I usually then listen and allow them to come to their own conclusions rather than try to direct their feelings one way or another.

Having said all that, there is no how-to manual on parenting. We just do the best we can.

L

MsGolightly

maybe you could focus more on just stating the facts of what has happened in the past and like LTD said, let him come to his own conclusions. being honest doesn't necessarily mean you must share everything (including your feelings) but he seems old enough to understand where you're coming from.

shakarris

i am honest about everything, and i find that if they do not knwo they usually ask. I hide nothing because I refuse to be the scapegoatnfor anyone.

even when thier dad and I split up - as they got older I shared more and more now we all can talk about anything - the good and the bad> i find that they have a good outlook and can share from thier viewpoint that sometimes is less tainted than mine .. and I learn

shakarris

Barbara52

Thanks you. That is a great way to test my words before I say them.

I sure wish they would come up with that manual though.

geees poncho

When I TRY to have talks about my ex, with my ACOAs 39 & 34 I TRY to be their sounding board, with a little insight & feedback,
neutral of course. HA HA HA:rof

Barbara52

My son can be so wise sometimes. When talked a bit more about his father, my son said "Mom, that's jsut the way he is. He can't see what we see. He just going to be who he is and we can't do a thing about it. Let him be and don't worry about it. We'll be fine."

LaTeeDa

geees poncho

Such wisdom out of the mouths of babes, and normal too.

:ghug3

keepingmyjoy

Hey there Barb....Your son seems to be quite the wise young man! I agree with LTD about motivations etc. I used to test what I wanted to say by saying it out loud in front of a mirror. (I know that sounds crazy). But it did let me hear the words I wanted to say to my daughter out loud and see the facial expressions she would see on my face. It did help me change what I said sometimes, cause I was angry and could see it on my face, and that I was not being neutral (LTD would say my motivations were for me at that point!).

I found that over the years as daughter got older, 18 +, that I could talk about anything with her. The only thing that made her crazy was if she even sensed that I was defending him or making excuses for him. She, in her wisdom, would remind me of things! But as long as I was honest, clear, and stuck with the facts, she handled it just fine. And even when I had to say unpleasant things about him, she never took it as bashing AH, but looking at the way it was.

That is my experience....good luck talking with your son. He seems like a very nice young man. And you are a really good mom!:ghug3

Barbara52

Both my sons have told me that I don't need to try and come up with explanations to try and make excuses for their father. I have done that many times in the past.

Thanks.