Why Today of all days?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 177
Why Today of all days?
I am sooo upset. I just got back form checking the mail and was not impressed to find out that my AH had agian lied to me. Surprised? Nope of course not. But it does mean that tonight when he gets home that it will not be the pleasant home coming that I was hoping for.
What did I fined that he lied about? one of the credit cards was not canceled as he had claimed it was. Instead of it being cancelled I got the bill and he had been withdrawing money off of it up to the last day of him leaving for treatment by using a bill at the convient store to get smokes. It is now way over drawn. I am sooo ticked. I had told him before New Years that he had to cancel the cards or else he couldn't come back into the house. One of the cards I was there when he canceled it in person at teh bank. The other he did over the phone. I was in the room but I guess he didn't cancel it.
So now I have to reinforce that boundary when he gets here. That he can not come in unless he cancels that card. And I will be on the line when he does do it. And if he refuses then he can't come home. I hate it because the kids and I have been planning and working so hard for him to come home to a wonderful meal and a cake and everything. And to get this today and fine out he has been lieing this whole time to my face about this card just really upsets me.
I will defiantely be bring this up in counsling on Monday. Yesterday the counslor had mentioned that I had to be prepared to stick to my bouderaies. I just didn't realize it would happen so soon.
I am going to go cry now.
Nikki
What did I fined that he lied about? one of the credit cards was not canceled as he had claimed it was. Instead of it being cancelled I got the bill and he had been withdrawing money off of it up to the last day of him leaving for treatment by using a bill at the convient store to get smokes. It is now way over drawn. I am sooo ticked. I had told him before New Years that he had to cancel the cards or else he couldn't come back into the house. One of the cards I was there when he canceled it in person at teh bank. The other he did over the phone. I was in the room but I guess he didn't cancel it.
So now I have to reinforce that boundary when he gets here. That he can not come in unless he cancels that card. And I will be on the line when he does do it. And if he refuses then he can't come home. I hate it because the kids and I have been planning and working so hard for him to come home to a wonderful meal and a cake and everything. And to get this today and fine out he has been lieing this whole time to my face about this card just really upsets me.
I will defiantely be bring this up in counsling on Monday. Yesterday the counslor had mentioned that I had to be prepared to stick to my bouderaies. I just didn't realize it would happen so soon.
I am going to go cry now.
Nikki
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Oh Nikki! I am so sorry you found this out today, but I guess in another way it is good you found out today. It will be hard sticking to your boundaries, but you have been working so hard and it sounds like you're ready. Good luck to you with all of that, I hope he follows through! Hugs and prayers!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Wow. Nikki. And asking you for money at the same time. That is really sneaky. You must be pretty upset. At least you know now that his is still being dishonest and sneaky. (RED FLAG)
It's hard to remember that our boundaries are not for the addicts but for us to set limits about the kind of behavior we will and will not accept in our lives. And how we will let the people who supposedly love us, treat us.
It doesn't always have to be about the drugs.
We are ALL people. We ALL deserve respect an honesty from our husbands/boyfriends/children. Otherwise what kind of relationship is it really. They are the ones that are supposed to love us the most. And love means not lieing and deceiving.
Good luck tonight.
I'm sorry he treats you that way.
It's hard to remember that our boundaries are not for the addicts but for us to set limits about the kind of behavior we will and will not accept in our lives. And how we will let the people who supposedly love us, treat us.
It doesn't always have to be about the drugs.
We are ALL people. We ALL deserve respect an honesty from our husbands/boyfriends/children. Otherwise what kind of relationship is it really. They are the ones that are supposed to love us the most. And love means not lieing and deceiving.
Good luck tonight.
I'm sorry he treats you that way.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Not to defend him, but if he did this the day before he went to treatment, maybe he will change his ways now.
Cancelling the card is a good idea, and maybe let HIM be the one to work to pay it off.
You are wise to set your boundaries, but maybe this doesn't have to ruin his homecoming, maybe it can be discussed and a solution arrived at that will end the issue once and for all, like cancelling all cards except perhaps for one in your name that only you have access to.
I know this feels like a kick in the stomach, and if he did it during or after treatment I would think differently. Cleaning up the damage from the past will be a big job, but I'd let him be responsible for doing just that.
Just my thoughts. Sending huge hugs for you
Cancelling the card is a good idea, and maybe let HIM be the one to work to pay it off.
You are wise to set your boundaries, but maybe this doesn't have to ruin his homecoming, maybe it can be discussed and a solution arrived at that will end the issue once and for all, like cancelling all cards except perhaps for one in your name that only you have access to.
I know this feels like a kick in the stomach, and if he did it during or after treatment I would think differently. Cleaning up the damage from the past will be a big job, but I'd let him be responsible for doing just that.
Just my thoughts. Sending huge hugs for you
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Instead of it being cancelled I got the bill and he had been withdrawing money off of it up to the last day of him leaving for treatment by using a bill at the convient store to get smokes.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
Cancel Credit Cards....
My ex-husband tried to do this to me...when I had filed for divorce. He did call the credit card companies but the VISA was in his name only...the Mervyns was in my name only...so he couldn't cancel my card and when I called VISA to see if I had to pay half of that card...they said NO...and sent me one of my own.
I think I might have had to pay half of the VISA in his name but in the end the lawyers made an agreement that he paid the VISA due to some of the other bills I had to pay after he froze the checking account.
I found this out when I went to the drive-through window (had the kids with me) when they told me my account was closed and I needed to go inside. I was trying to deposit my paycheck....but needed more than my check to pay all the bills for the house and utilities.
I was so in shock with everything that had been happening, or I wouldn't have wanted to put my check in the bank anyway....he was the big spender..not me. I went the next day to a different bank closer to where I lived & opened a new account.
He probably found out that he was having to pay for the counseling for our daughter. He bounced the first child support check on my lawyer so the judge set it up that he had to pay it to the court and then they would send it to support enforcement and then it would be sent to me.
He did many more dodging of paying the child support but found out they could find him and make him pay or put him in jail..One time he had to pay $900 in one week or go to jail.
That is all in the way past now...he died of a heart attack a few years ago and our daughter is 30 years old now....time goes so fast it seems and am glad for that...it doesn't seem so at the time things are happening though.
Just be sure you know for sure or you are apt to have a bigger bill than already has been added up on the credit card.
kelsh
I think I might have had to pay half of the VISA in his name but in the end the lawyers made an agreement that he paid the VISA due to some of the other bills I had to pay after he froze the checking account.
I found this out when I went to the drive-through window (had the kids with me) when they told me my account was closed and I needed to go inside. I was trying to deposit my paycheck....but needed more than my check to pay all the bills for the house and utilities.
I was so in shock with everything that had been happening, or I wouldn't have wanted to put my check in the bank anyway....he was the big spender..not me. I went the next day to a different bank closer to where I lived & opened a new account.
He probably found out that he was having to pay for the counseling for our daughter. He bounced the first child support check on my lawyer so the judge set it up that he had to pay it to the court and then they would send it to support enforcement and then it would be sent to me.
He did many more dodging of paying the child support but found out they could find him and make him pay or put him in jail..One time he had to pay $900 in one week or go to jail.
That is all in the way past now...he died of a heart attack a few years ago and our daughter is 30 years old now....time goes so fast it seems and am glad for that...it doesn't seem so at the time things are happening though.
Just be sure you know for sure or you are apt to have a bigger bill than already has been added up on the credit card.
kelsh
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 177
Thanks all. It does feel like a kick in the stomach. It wasn't while he was in treatment though. The last usage was on the 6th. He left for the facility on the 7th. But I have to stick to what I had set back in December. I said then that he could not be in the house until the card were cancel. He chose to lie. So now he has to pay those consequences. I hate to do it. I have been crying since I opened it. But if I don't set my foot down now then where will it end?
When he gets home I will let him come in and say hi to the kids and then show him the bill. Remind him of the Boundary and give him the choice of phoning the credit card company right there with me on the line or him leaving until he does cancel it and I have to have proof that it was cancel before he is allowed back in. So he will be given an option. If he does phone right there and then and cancels it then all is fine though it will be discussed on Monday in couples counsling. If not then he is out till he does and I will be heart broken but he will hopefully see that I am sticking to my boundaries. I don't see any other choice
Nikki
When he gets home I will let him come in and say hi to the kids and then show him the bill. Remind him of the Boundary and give him the choice of phoning the credit card company right there with me on the line or him leaving until he does cancel it and I have to have proof that it was cancel before he is allowed back in. So he will be given an option. If he does phone right there and then and cancels it then all is fine though it will be discussed on Monday in couples counsling. If not then he is out till he does and I will be heart broken but he will hopefully see that I am sticking to my boundaries. I don't see any other choice
Nikki
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
you are doing so good. stick to the boundries. let him know that you are firm in them. i feel sorry for the kids that they have & you too the consequences of his actions. i know they were excited about him coming home also.let us know how it goes. hugs,
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
One slogan I remember often when I have to deal with enforcing a boundary and the discomfort that I anticipate is "Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean." I hope that you were/are able to do what you feel necessary to enforce your boundary and that he can react in a manner that does not have to ruin the night the way you anticipate. This stuff is so difficult, but you sound like you have given this careful consideration. Your recovery growth is showing 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 177
Thanks all. I stuck to my boundary but it all turned out ok. Though I am bringing it up on Monday in the counsoling session. When he got here just as I said I let him greet the kids. I was dressed up and did have his favorite meal ready and so on. But when he came over to hug me I started to cry and refused to hug him. When he asked what was wrong. I told him to sit down and then told him I have checked the mail after he had called and got the bill and found out about him lieing about the credit card. So then I asked him if he remembered what teh rule was for the credit cards. And he did. They had to be canceled or else he could not live in the house till they were. I asked why he lied and he agian tried to lie and said just in case we needed them. RIGHT. So instead of letting him dig himself deeper I gave him his option. He could call the company right there with me on the line to verify and cancel them and then he could stay in the home or he would have to leave until he could provide proof and his word was not proof. So without another word he said hand me the phone. No one yelled. No swearing. No argueing. Nothing. No threats. Just me saying the problems, stating my bundaries and giving the options and him making his choice and that was it.
So he made the call. I even talked with the guy and verified it would not be reistated. AH stated that he didn't wanted it reistated because he had a gambling and drug addiction. So the guy confirmed it would not be. And asked when I could then start making the first payment to pay it off. I then said I would make the first payment tomorrow/today.
So the evening went ok from there. Well I was nervous all evening. After all I went through while he was in treatment I don't trust him so I have my guard up. But he played with the kids and was very pleasant and we have a very nice conversation. He enjoyed his meal. Said he missed m cooking. So it actually went well. And now the card is defiantely cancelled. Thank goodness.
Another chapter closed. Now I am wondering what the next one will be.
Nikki
So he made the call. I even talked with the guy and verified it would not be reistated. AH stated that he didn't wanted it reistated because he had a gambling and drug addiction. So the guy confirmed it would not be. And asked when I could then start making the first payment to pay it off. I then said I would make the first payment tomorrow/today.
So the evening went ok from there. Well I was nervous all evening. After all I went through while he was in treatment I don't trust him so I have my guard up. But he played with the kids and was very pleasant and we have a very nice conversation. He enjoyed his meal. Said he missed m cooking. So it actually went well. And now the card is defiantely cancelled. Thank goodness.
Another chapter closed. Now I am wondering what the next one will be.
Nikki
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
nikki, I want to be you when I grow up!!LOL
you shine in the eyes of us codie recoverers.
congrats.
(stop wondering what the next one will be and enjoy the moment, just keep the eagle eyes peeled is all)
you shine in the eyes of us codie recoverers.
congrats.
(stop wondering what the next one will be and enjoy the moment, just keep the eagle eyes peeled is all)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: KY
Posts: 13
Nikki,
I am new here, and also struggling with setting boundaries and keeping my word when they are broken by my addict husband. My husband is in his 2nd week of treatment away from home. Sometimes, I feel so sad to come home to the empty house. It often seems to represent all the broken promises and expectations of my life. I have only been married for about one and one-half years. I have always been the type of person that worked hard and was successful. Being in the medical profession (where I met my husband), the shame has made it has been very difficult to accept his addiction. He was a very good liar and hid his addiction very well. I need to learn to set boundaries and show him that this type of behavior is unacceptable. Unfortunately, my perfectionism has become a stumbling block is my own recovery. For me, I worry about setting boundaries because I would really hate to have to inforce them and take the chance of showing people how not perfect my life is.
When I read your post, I was inspired by your courage and steadfastness. Thank you. And thank you to everyone that posts on these forums. I have just joined, but have already found them to be extremely comforting and healing. I am hoping to grow into a more confident/self reliant person.
Look forward to hearing more from all of you! One day at a time!
I am new here, and also struggling with setting boundaries and keeping my word when they are broken by my addict husband. My husband is in his 2nd week of treatment away from home. Sometimes, I feel so sad to come home to the empty house. It often seems to represent all the broken promises and expectations of my life. I have only been married for about one and one-half years. I have always been the type of person that worked hard and was successful. Being in the medical profession (where I met my husband), the shame has made it has been very difficult to accept his addiction. He was a very good liar and hid his addiction very well. I need to learn to set boundaries and show him that this type of behavior is unacceptable. Unfortunately, my perfectionism has become a stumbling block is my own recovery. For me, I worry about setting boundaries because I would really hate to have to inforce them and take the chance of showing people how not perfect my life is.
When I read your post, I was inspired by your courage and steadfastness. Thank you. And thank you to everyone that posts on these forums. I have just joined, but have already found them to be extremely comforting and healing. I am hoping to grow into a more confident/self reliant person.
Look forward to hearing more from all of you! One day at a time!
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Nikki,
Way to go. I'm very impressed with your boundary setting and following through. I think you've been working on YOUR recovery..
Next step for me would be to let hubby figure out how to make the payments on that credit card he ran up. You wouldn't want to deprive your husband of the opportunity to show you he's moving in a positive direction, would you?
I just know when I quit taking care of my AD's responsibilities, she started learning how to do it herself.
And SunnySue, welcome to SR. You might want to start a new thread and introduce yourself to everyone here. I just don't want you getting overlooked since you posted on this thread.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Way to go. I'm very impressed with your boundary setting and following through. I think you've been working on YOUR recovery..
Next step for me would be to let hubby figure out how to make the payments on that credit card he ran up. You wouldn't want to deprive your husband of the opportunity to show you he's moving in a positive direction, would you?
I just know when I quit taking care of my AD's responsibilities, she started learning how to do it herself. And SunnySue, welcome to SR. You might want to start a new thread and introduce yourself to everyone here. I just don't want you getting overlooked since you posted on this thread.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 50
Hi Nikki.
I am also new here and I have to tell you that your strength and courage is inspiring. As I sat and read your post, I could remember the times I threatened instead of setting boundaries but never actually followed through with it, only to be disappointed in the end... once again.
I am hoping to experience that kind of strength and wisdom someday soon. That, or he will finally get the healing he needs to recover. I always seem to be waiting for something. In the mean time, I can not express how grateful I am to have found this site. Reading through all the posts, I don't feel so alone anymore.
I am also new here and I have to tell you that your strength and courage is inspiring. As I sat and read your post, I could remember the times I threatened instead of setting boundaries but never actually followed through with it, only to be disappointed in the end... once again.
I am hoping to experience that kind of strength and wisdom someday soon. That, or he will finally get the healing he needs to recover. I always seem to be waiting for something. In the mean time, I can not express how grateful I am to have found this site. Reading through all the posts, I don't feel so alone anymore.
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