What should I say?
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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What should I say?
Ah came home last night drunk and was picking a fight with our 11 yr old.
She was suppose to unload the dishwasher and forgot. I gently reminded her and she started to do it. As she was unloading it AH started in on her about how she should have already done it..etc. He was being irrational yelling at her about this.
I stepped in and asked him to stop yelling. I then asked him to go to bed. He refused. He then was telling her to stop putting the dishes away and go to bed. I did not yell but kept repeating that he was behaving inappropriately and needed to leave her alone. He kept badgering her for a few more minutes and then finally stopped.
I felt so bad for her. I took her to the side and told her that she had done nothing wrong and that he was behaving irrationally. That she is a good kid and she did not make him yell.
This morning I told him he needed to appologize to her for his behavior and let her know it wasn't her fault. (I am not sure if he did...I will find out after school/ work). That she is not his punching bag. I also told him that he needs to get himself under control or I will have to tell her he is an A (I know it sounds like a threat...but it is the truth and I said it in a calm voice).
My question is what do you say to the kids when something like this happens?? It stinks so bad. Here is their father who they are supposed to obey....and I am telling her to ignore him??? But tomorrow when he is sober she is to obey again....how confusing???
She was suppose to unload the dishwasher and forgot. I gently reminded her and she started to do it. As she was unloading it AH started in on her about how she should have already done it..etc. He was being irrational yelling at her about this.
I stepped in and asked him to stop yelling. I then asked him to go to bed. He refused. He then was telling her to stop putting the dishes away and go to bed. I did not yell but kept repeating that he was behaving inappropriately and needed to leave her alone. He kept badgering her for a few more minutes and then finally stopped.
I felt so bad for her. I took her to the side and told her that she had done nothing wrong and that he was behaving irrationally. That she is a good kid and she did not make him yell.
This morning I told him he needed to appologize to her for his behavior and let her know it wasn't her fault. (I am not sure if he did...I will find out after school/ work). That she is not his punching bag. I also told him that he needs to get himself under control or I will have to tell her he is an A (I know it sounds like a threat...but it is the truth and I said it in a calm voice).
My question is what do you say to the kids when something like this happens?? It stinks so bad. Here is their father who they are supposed to obey....and I am telling her to ignore him??? But tomorrow when he is sober she is to obey again....how confusing???
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There is no doubt that this behavior and atmosphere is having a negative effect on her. One of the biggest regrets I have is not doing something to protect my children sooner. They saw a counselor for over a year after their father and I separated. It has helped tremendously, but still I wish I would have taken action on their behalf sooner than I did. For starters, I think it's important to be honest about the situation. And stress that it is in no way the child's fault. Good for you for letting her know that. Keep it up. Counseling can be very helpful, for both you and her, regardless of what he does.
L
L
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Join Date: Jun 2007
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My STBX has done stuff like this occasionally, he knows that I will step in and stop him so it rarely happens anymore (I once dragged him out of our son's bedroom by his T-shirt and told him I was going to call the police if he didn't shut up NOW).
I have never tried to hide his drinking so our son (now 13) can tell when he is under the influence (your daughter probably knows her dad drinks).
There is no way IMO to keep this stuff from affecting your children except having them not live with an A. When you try to detach from the A they go after the kids to get to you (just my experience).
I have never tried to hide his drinking so our son (now 13) can tell when he is under the influence (your daughter probably knows her dad drinks).
There is no way IMO to keep this stuff from affecting your children except having them not live with an A. When you try to detach from the A they go after the kids to get to you (just my experience).
Last edited by hadenoughnow; 01-24-2008 at 11:45 AM.
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I don't know how you can help her feelings until you are ready to tell his "secret." The longer you keep the secret, the more confused and emotionally damaged she becomes. Knowing the truth is much more fair. All she knows right now is that he is often mean and hateful towards her. She has no idea that he is sick, and that's why he treats her this way.
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What about alateen and alateen literature. My 10 year old also very well knows when Dad is acting irrational, he is to try to do what hes told and remember his dad's anger has nothing to do with him
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I have been lucky that my AW doesn't get like this but she will yell, slam her hand on the counter, stop her foot,etc. It scares the kids to death when she does it.
I applaud you for keeping calm. I try to do this with my AW and there are times I want to yell and scream back at her but I am a firm believer that yelling only begets more yelling.
I am at the point where I am giong to sit down with my daughter, who is also 11, and talk to her about Mommy Jeckle and Mommy Hyde.
I find it interesting I tell my daughter constantly about saying "No" to drugs, etc. yet here I have a perfect opportunity to show her how badly things can get without realizing it and I have failed to make the connection with her.
Things may not last much longer between me and my AW and I fully plan on telling my children the open honest truth. This...is what can happen if you let something take control of your life.
I applaud you for keeping calm. I try to do this with my AW and there are times I want to yell and scream back at her but I am a firm believer that yelling only begets more yelling.
I am at the point where I am giong to sit down with my daughter, who is also 11, and talk to her about Mommy Jeckle and Mommy Hyde.
I find it interesting I tell my daughter constantly about saying "No" to drugs, etc. yet here I have a perfect opportunity to show her how badly things can get without realizing it and I have failed to make the connection with her.
Things may not last much longer between me and my AW and I fully plan on telling my children the open honest truth. This...is what can happen if you let something take control of your life.
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Originally Posted by Daisy30 
I also told him that he needs to get himself under control or I will have to tell her he is an A (I know it sounds like a threat...but it is the truth and I said it in a calm voice).
L
Recovering Nicely
Join Date: Aug 2006
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I agree w/Cinderella. There is a great book by Alateen called "What's Drunk Mama?" My grandkids read it and now they understand all about why Poppy sometimes acts the way he does and his disease (and by the way, my grandkids are only 7, 7 and 6) My granddaugher, 7, goes to Alateen while I attend my Alanon, she loves it and it helps her in other areas of her life, such as when she's arguing w/her sister and stuff around her house. Just like how we have the "Just for Today", Alateen has a kids' version of that. It's great.
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You've gotten some great input already. All I can add is I sure wish there has been someone to step in when mom or dad decided to go on one of their rants against me or my brothers. Since there wasn't, we all just figured we were wrong somehow. Explaining, over and over, that it is not her fault is very important form where I sit.
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Originally Posted by anvilhead
ps - to directly answer the topic question.....i woulda said something like this....to HIM
look, mother f*cker, you EVER speak to my child like that AGAIN in such a tone, whether you have been drinking or not, and there will be hell to pay. you will not take your moods out upon her - we will all speak in calm respectful voices to each other. now take your drunken butt out to the garage or somewhere else out of my sight.
look, mother f*cker, you EVER speak to my child like that AGAIN in such a tone, whether you have been drinking or not, and there will be hell to pay. you will not take your moods out upon her - we will all speak in calm respectful voices to each other. now take your drunken butt out to the garage or somewhere else out of my sight.
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Originally Posted by Barbara52
You've gotten some great input already. All I can add is I sure wish there has been someone to step in when mom or dad decided to go on one of their rants against me or my brothers. Since there wasn't, we all just figured we were wrong somehow. Explaining, over and over, that it is not her fault is very important form where I sit.
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Originally Posted by anvilhead
ps - to directly answer the topic question.....i woulda said something like this....to HIM
look, !@#*, you EVER speak to my child like that AGAIN in such a tone, whether you have been drinking or not, and there will be hell to pay. you will not take your moods out upon her - we will all speak in calm respectful voices to each other. now take your drunken butt out to the garage or somewhere else out of my sight.
look, !@#*, you EVER speak to my child like that AGAIN in such a tone, whether you have been drinking or not, and there will be hell to pay. you will not take your moods out upon her - we will all speak in calm respectful voices to each other. now take your drunken butt out to the garage or somewhere else out of my sight.
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She already knows that there is something wrong...
I, too became a protective mama bear when the ex started ranting. He usually took it out mostly on the son.
The daughter was a "good little girl, a daddy's girl", he rarely disciplined her, but my son was all boy, hyper, and angry, and having temper tantrums...
(probably had something to do with hub and I being in active addiction at the time...)
I had to stand up for my son and tell his dad to back down on several occasions.
He used to tell him to "shut up"...which especially pi$$ed me off!
I told him that "shut up" is something that you say to your dog, not to your child!!!
and the old saying...
"there's a big blue elephant in the living room, and no one is talking about it"...
still rings true.
The kids know that there is something wrong, long before you talk to them about it.
My coworkers later told me that they were glad to find out that it was "only" drug use...
they had been thinking that I had a brain tumor, because my behavior was so bizarre!
My kids told my mom that they knew something was wrong, they just didn't know what it was. They were happy to find out that it was something that I could do something about...
Just a thought, the longer you tolerate this behavior, the longer you cover for him and make excuses for his bad behavior...the longer it will take him to realize the consequences of his actions. If he gets by with it....there is nothing that motivates him to change.
However, if you give him an ultimatum, he just may choose the drink/drug over the family, that's what happened when I got clean.
Good luck, God bless, Keep coming back!
****{Hugs}}}
I, too became a protective mama bear when the ex started ranting. He usually took it out mostly on the son.
The daughter was a "good little girl, a daddy's girl", he rarely disciplined her, but my son was all boy, hyper, and angry, and having temper tantrums...
(probably had something to do with hub and I being in active addiction at the time...)
I had to stand up for my son and tell his dad to back down on several occasions.
He used to tell him to "shut up"...which especially pi$$ed me off!
I told him that "shut up" is something that you say to your dog, not to your child!!!
and the old saying...
"there's a big blue elephant in the living room, and no one is talking about it"...
still rings true.
The kids know that there is something wrong, long before you talk to them about it.
My coworkers later told me that they were glad to find out that it was "only" drug use...
they had been thinking that I had a brain tumor, because my behavior was so bizarre!
My kids told my mom that they knew something was wrong, they just didn't know what it was. They were happy to find out that it was something that I could do something about...
Just a thought, the longer you tolerate this behavior, the longer you cover for him and make excuses for his bad behavior...the longer it will take him to realize the consequences of his actions. If he gets by with it....there is nothing that motivates him to change.
However, if you give him an ultimatum, he just may choose the drink/drug over the family, that's what happened when I got clean.
Good luck, God bless, Keep coming back!
****{Hugs}}}
I'm growing
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
great thoughts..thankyou everyone
I have been doing my reading...but I know I need to get into counceling. I just haven't picked up the phone
I don't know if I am ready to tell her yet...but your point did hit home Lateeda
I know the sooner the better
His behavior is getting worse
I think I will check out that book!
I have been doing my reading...but I know I need to get into counceling. I just haven't picked up the phone
I don't know if I am ready to tell her yet...but your point did hit home Lateeda
I know the sooner the better
His behavior is getting worse
I think I will check out that book!
Last edited by Daisy30; 01-24-2008 at 06:07 PM. Reason: eta
Getting Over It
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Huh! It's still so amazing to me that others go thru what I do... with the exception that mine is now sober a year.
Last night, I was awakened with my SAH 's face at my ear, asking me (in a loud voice) what I was going to do with our almost 15 yr old son's disrespect towards him. I was very sleepy and had no idea what was happening... I asked if we could talk about this in the am and he just got louder. I complained he was making too much noise so late and he told me that I was lucky that I wasnt hearing him bash son's head into the wall and I better do something with the kid before that happens! And that I better back him up on the punishment he was going to give him (take him out of sports, no computer, phone, tv etc). This am, I asked son what happened and he said that he was on the computer when his dad came in and wanted to see what he typing. Son told him it was his own business. And AH went "crazy", in sons words. AH threatened divorce this am because of all of that. Well he threatens it all the time anyway...
Tomorrow, I will call a counselor for my kids.
Oh! I forgot to mention, he had just returned from an AA meeting when this happened...
Last night, I was awakened with my SAH 's face at my ear, asking me (in a loud voice) what I was going to do with our almost 15 yr old son's disrespect towards him. I was very sleepy and had no idea what was happening... I asked if we could talk about this in the am and he just got louder. I complained he was making too much noise so late and he told me that I was lucky that I wasnt hearing him bash son's head into the wall and I better do something with the kid before that happens! And that I better back him up on the punishment he was going to give him (take him out of sports, no computer, phone, tv etc). This am, I asked son what happened and he said that he was on the computer when his dad came in and wanted to see what he typing. Son told him it was his own business. And AH went "crazy", in sons words. AH threatened divorce this am because of all of that. Well he threatens it all the time anyway...
Tomorrow, I will call a counselor for my kids.
Oh! I forgot to mention, he had just returned from an AA meeting when this happened...
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It's been my experience that the kids know way more than we think they do. I agree with the others: it's important that the kids know that what is going on and that it's not their fault.
Counseling and Ala Teen are both good suggestions too.
Hugs
Cats
Counseling and Ala Teen are both good suggestions too.
Hugs
Cats
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
I'm concerned about the message you are sending -- that it is okay to accept yelling, criticism and verbal abuse from the men in her life. What will happen when she is a young woman? Will she fall into abusive relationships because that's what she grew up with... because, to her, this is normal, acceptable behavior?
Keepingmyjoy
Join Date: Jul 2007
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Hey there, so glad you are posting. This place has been such a great support to me!
My AH did the same thing to my daughter (his step daughter) and I left him once because he would not stop things like what yours did. We got back together and I now have a 3 yr old with him. When he starting sliding back down into the total drunk guy, I have now left again. One of the reason (and there are many) that I left, was because I would be da**ed if my son was going to learn from him, nasty drunk that he is, how to treat his mother and other women!
That is just my story...
My daughter is was and is well aware of his problem, and we have been open about it for years. However, it did not stop her from being angry over his hurtfulness.
I hope that you will find ways to support yourself and her...alanon and alateen are a great place to start. Take care of yourselves....
Hugs.
My AH did the same thing to my daughter (his step daughter) and I left him once because he would not stop things like what yours did. We got back together and I now have a 3 yr old with him. When he starting sliding back down into the total drunk guy, I have now left again. One of the reason (and there are many) that I left, was because I would be da**ed if my son was going to learn from him, nasty drunk that he is, how to treat his mother and other women!
That is just my story...
My daughter is was and is well aware of his problem, and we have been open about it for years. However, it did not stop her from being angry over his hurtfulness.
I hope that you will find ways to support yourself and her...alanon and alateen are a great place to start. Take care of yourselves....
Hugs.
I'm growing
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
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sorry I am getting back to this late...
Hope2bhappy that is my thought exactly....it is such a confusing thing! I always thought of myself as a strong independent women. That I was a great roll model for my dd. But this marriage is not the model I want for her anymore. I worry all the time about what I am teaching her...how can I have fallen so far from who I used to be?
The me of only 4 years ago would have never put up with this!
It gets to be so tricky...you have to let the A hit bottom....and yet look at the destruction that is left as he goes down.
I recently began my readings and have been trying to keep a level head and not yell. I wish I would have known the things I know now a year or two ago.
Hope2bhappy that is my thought exactly....it is such a confusing thing! I always thought of myself as a strong independent women. That I was a great roll model for my dd. But this marriage is not the model I want for her anymore. I worry all the time about what I am teaching her...how can I have fallen so far from who I used to be?
The me of only 4 years ago would have never put up with this!
It gets to be so tricky...you have to let the A hit bottom....and yet look at the destruction that is left as he goes down.
I recently began my readings and have been trying to keep a level head and not yell. I wish I would have known the things I know now a year or two ago.
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