Denial Versus Acceptance
Old & Sober Member of AA
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Nursing Home in Brick, New Jersey
Posts: 5,174
Denial Versus Acceptance
Although this is a forum primarily devoted to early recovery, life isn't all about alcohol/drugs (even though it might seem that way at times). Especially once we've made that commitment to quit, and we begin to live life on life's terms, we try to "practice these principles in all our affairs". And, that should apply to everyone...even those not professing to be members of AA...because the "principles" are just a blueprint for a better way of living.
So...what about having problems with denial in matters other than alcoholism/addiction? For example:
Are you now, or have you ever been, in a toxic relationship, and been reluctant to accept the truth...perhaps for fear of being alone, or not worthy? DENIAL
Are you now, or have you ever been, in a dead-end job, and been reluctant to try to move on...afraid of even trying to better yourself for fear of failure? DENIAL
Are you now, or have you ever been, overweight, but constantly making excuses for why you're unable to lose...probably because you've been "yo-yo-ing" as long as you can remember, so what's the use? DENIAL
Are you now, or have you ever been, under-educated, but tell yourself you're too old, too stupid, too busy...and no one has ever given you just the little bit of encouragement you need to get started? DENIAL
These are just a few examples...I'll bet you can share many other instances. If any of the above apply to you, what have you been able to do to overcome any obstacles and move toward ACCEPTANCE, thus making it possible for you to be a better, sober you?
So...what about having problems with denial in matters other than alcoholism/addiction? For example:
Are you now, or have you ever been, in a toxic relationship, and been reluctant to accept the truth...perhaps for fear of being alone, or not worthy? DENIAL
Are you now, or have you ever been, in a dead-end job, and been reluctant to try to move on...afraid of even trying to better yourself for fear of failure? DENIAL
Are you now, or have you ever been, overweight, but constantly making excuses for why you're unable to lose...probably because you've been "yo-yo-ing" as long as you can remember, so what's the use? DENIAL
Are you now, or have you ever been, under-educated, but tell yourself you're too old, too stupid, too busy...and no one has ever given you just the little bit of encouragement you need to get started? DENIAL
These are just a few examples...I'll bet you can share many other instances. If any of the above apply to you, what have you been able to do to overcome any obstacles and move toward ACCEPTANCE, thus making it possible for you to be a better, sober you?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Berea,Ohio
Posts: 397
Are you now, or have you ever been, in a toxic relationship, and been reluctant to accept the truth...perhaps for fear of being alone, or not worthy? Oh yeah.I was morbidly obese most of my life, and I had thought I was in love with someone who took advantage of my feelings for over ten years.He had girlfriends, but slept with me.He lived with me, and rarely worked, would ridicule me every chance he got, it was a nightmare,and yet in my sick mind, I thought he loved me, and I was in love with him. I had weight loss surgery in 2003, and I went thru a huge change dropping over 200 pounds.I also started to heal emotionally, and people were finally being nice to me instead of looking on me as if I was a freak.I started to realize what this man did to me, was not love, we were sick together.Things changed, we are now strictly friends.I had to stand up for myself, and that changed the whole relationship.I have forgiven him, and we can now be friends like we shouldv'e been all along.I was even his Best Man when he got married.Yeah, I am a woman, but I assumed the title.
Are you now, or have you ever been, in a dead-end job, and been reluctant to try to move on...afraid of even trying to better yourself for fear of failure? I am a hairdresser and been one for 16+ yrs. I tried other things, went into management.Now, I am back to just being a stylist because that is where I am happy.I am a good leader, but I only want to do it once I am healthy, I don't like to take advantage of a position just for money if I am mentally on the ball.
Are you now, or have you ever been, overweight, but constantly making excuses for why you're unable to lose...probably because you've been "yo-yo-ing" as long as you can remember, so what's the use? Being really fat for years, I was a food addict.I ate for good times and bad.I think we all procrastinate somewhat in this department, but it is also really hard to make healthy food choices these days.I once got a fortune cookie that read,"you must eat to live, not live to eat" It stays in my head as a reminder to not be a glutton.
Are you now, or have you ever been, under-educated, but tell yourself you're too old, too stupid, too busy...and no one has ever given you just the little bit of encouragement you need to get started? I am 34, tried college in the midst of having a child with no family help,full time job, lazy boyfriend and a cocaine habit.I guess it is pretty obvious why I didn't stick it out.I think I deserve more of an education, and am hoping to go back to school and get a degree in mental health.I will do it when the time is right.
I guess in a nutshell, I am the type of person who has great intentions, but lacked the skills to stick things out.I am learning how to do that.It is never too late to change, NEVER too late to improve your worth.
Are you now, or have you ever been, in a dead-end job, and been reluctant to try to move on...afraid of even trying to better yourself for fear of failure? I am a hairdresser and been one for 16+ yrs. I tried other things, went into management.Now, I am back to just being a stylist because that is where I am happy.I am a good leader, but I only want to do it once I am healthy, I don't like to take advantage of a position just for money if I am mentally on the ball.
Are you now, or have you ever been, overweight, but constantly making excuses for why you're unable to lose...probably because you've been "yo-yo-ing" as long as you can remember, so what's the use? Being really fat for years, I was a food addict.I ate for good times and bad.I think we all procrastinate somewhat in this department, but it is also really hard to make healthy food choices these days.I once got a fortune cookie that read,"you must eat to live, not live to eat" It stays in my head as a reminder to not be a glutton.
Are you now, or have you ever been, under-educated, but tell yourself you're too old, too stupid, too busy...and no one has ever given you just the little bit of encouragement you need to get started? I am 34, tried college in the midst of having a child with no family help,full time job, lazy boyfriend and a cocaine habit.I guess it is pretty obvious why I didn't stick it out.I think I deserve more of an education, and am hoping to go back to school and get a degree in mental health.I will do it when the time is right.
I guess in a nutshell, I am the type of person who has great intentions, but lacked the skills to stick things out.I am learning how to do that.It is never too late to change, NEVER too late to improve your worth.
Old & Sober Member of AA
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Nursing Home in Brick, New Jersey
Posts: 5,174
I guess in a nutshell, I am the type of person who has great intentions, but lacked the skills to stick things out.I am learning how to do that.It is never too late to change, NEVER too late to improve your worth.
Evolving Addict
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: New York State
Posts: 3,067
Good Post Jersey Nonny,
No...life isn't all about alcohol or drugs, at least not after finding recovery. Before most of us got clean, that's probably all it was about. As addicts & alcoholics, our drinking and/or drug use is how we identify with one another (along with our desire to stop using), but once we get involved in recovery many of us find that our drug use was just a symptom of our disease - not the disease itself. In NA, we are taught that not only are we powerless over drugs (when we use them), but we're also powerless over our addiction (the disease). Addiction can (and often does) manifest itself in every area of our lives, especially those areas that have nothing to do with drugs. Yet, if our ideas, attitude and behavior isn't changed, we can find ourselves backed into a corner where we cannot come out clean. This is evidenced by those who relapsed with extensive clean time and recovery. So, for me, drugs/alcohol never cease to be in the equation.
All the questions you've asked are either asked directly or indirectly in the 12 Steps of NA's Step Working Guide. Yet, from the very start we are told that honesty is the antidote for our diseased thinking. Through our honest admissions, we're able to overcome denial and reach a point of acceptance. For many of us, the only way to really know we've been in denial is to come out of it.
The basic principles of honesty, open-mindedness and willingness are indispensible.
No...life isn't all about alcohol or drugs, at least not after finding recovery. Before most of us got clean, that's probably all it was about. As addicts & alcoholics, our drinking and/or drug use is how we identify with one another (along with our desire to stop using), but once we get involved in recovery many of us find that our drug use was just a symptom of our disease - not the disease itself. In NA, we are taught that not only are we powerless over drugs (when we use them), but we're also powerless over our addiction (the disease). Addiction can (and often does) manifest itself in every area of our lives, especially those areas that have nothing to do with drugs. Yet, if our ideas, attitude and behavior isn't changed, we can find ourselves backed into a corner where we cannot come out clean. This is evidenced by those who relapsed with extensive clean time and recovery. So, for me, drugs/alcohol never cease to be in the equation.
All the questions you've asked are either asked directly or indirectly in the 12 Steps of NA's Step Working Guide. Yet, from the very start we are told that honesty is the antidote for our diseased thinking. Through our honest admissions, we're able to overcome denial and reach a point of acceptance. For many of us, the only way to really know we've been in denial is to come out of it.
The basic principles of honesty, open-mindedness and willingness are indispensible.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 17
Hey Jersey Nonny,
I agree with Garry.
I think a good number of people really do get caught up in the drugs/alcohol being the problem. This can definately be a way of continuing to not taking responsibility for yourself and the choices you make, but that is assuming that a person is self-aware enough to know the difference between their problems that they need to own, and problems created by a situation or behavior.
You may call it denial, ostensibly it is, but some people (myself, for example!) are just slow learners.
In my experience, once I got clean, the problems transferred. It wasn't always substance abuse, either. I wrecked my credit, moved 23 times in 3 years, overate, underate, drank, blah, blah, blah...you know the drill.
But here's the point: all the while, I had no idea why I couldn't reel it in. Until one day someone said to me, "I think you should get yourself back into therapy."
I was so indignant! I thought I worked so hard, I was doing the best I could, etc. Here's the ugly truth, though. I wasn't doing the best I could. I just wasn't doing drugs. It's not enough. There has to be a personal journey with some growth involved, otherwise you are still just treading water.
So, I got a therapist (again) and started doing some self work, and I still often feel out of control. The difference is when that happens now, I have a plan, a support system, and CONstructive ways to deal with my issues because I have recognized and accepted this about myself. I get a little whacky sometimes and I have to take a step back and look at what is going on. It is most certainly learned behavior. I would never have been able to teach myself to cope because I didn't know what the problem was. That's my two cents.
I agree with Garry.
I think a good number of people really do get caught up in the drugs/alcohol being the problem. This can definately be a way of continuing to not taking responsibility for yourself and the choices you make, but that is assuming that a person is self-aware enough to know the difference between their problems that they need to own, and problems created by a situation or behavior.
You may call it denial, ostensibly it is, but some people (myself, for example!) are just slow learners.
In my experience, once I got clean, the problems transferred. It wasn't always substance abuse, either. I wrecked my credit, moved 23 times in 3 years, overate, underate, drank, blah, blah, blah...you know the drill.
But here's the point: all the while, I had no idea why I couldn't reel it in. Until one day someone said to me, "I think you should get yourself back into therapy."
I was so indignant! I thought I worked so hard, I was doing the best I could, etc. Here's the ugly truth, though. I wasn't doing the best I could. I just wasn't doing drugs. It's not enough. There has to be a personal journey with some growth involved, otherwise you are still just treading water.
So, I got a therapist (again) and started doing some self work, and I still often feel out of control. The difference is when that happens now, I have a plan, a support system, and CONstructive ways to deal with my issues because I have recognized and accepted this about myself. I get a little whacky sometimes and I have to take a step back and look at what is going on. It is most certainly learned behavior. I would never have been able to teach myself to cope because I didn't know what the problem was. That's my two cents.
Old & Sober Member of AA
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Nursing Home in Brick, New Jersey
Posts: 5,174
Are you now, or have you ever been, in a toxic relationship, and been reluctant to accept the truth...perhaps for fear of being alone, or not worthy? DENIAL
My first marriage was at an early age to a man I really didn't know well enough to make that kind of a commitment. It took three and a half years to find out what he was...an insecure, mentally disturbed, abusive bully. The night he nearly throttled me to death, I ran to a neighbor for help. She was a witness at my divorce hearing which he never even bothered to attend.
I met my second husband (in a bar) while waiting for the divorce to number one to become final. Since I hadn't become pregnant in over four years, I neglected to take precautions...so, of course I was expecting within three months of our first date. He was a full fledged alcoholic when we met, and I was quickly catching up to him. Twenty-two years of marriage later, we had three children, a big old house, a lot of debt, and he left to live with a younger woman with whom he joined AA. The kids were the reason I gave for trying to keep the marriage together; but, my first thought after he left was that I would never "be with anyone again".
It took two more years before I hit my own bottom and wound up in a 12-day detox/mini rehab. Don't you know, I was so emotionally vulnerable that I got involved in a "rehab romance" with a guy who had been in and around AA for over twenty years. I never bothered to ask him if he had ever been sober for any length of time. We attended AA meetings together, and I went to court for divorce number two accompanied by my AA sponsor. That night, the "rehab romance" showed up drunk at my 90-day pinning. A month later, he was still drinking, and I decided, "What the hell!" Picked up a drink, and wound up back in the 12 day program again.
I apparently hadn't had enough insanity in my life, because I continued seeing him for another five months, during which time he drank, I attended meetings, and tried to get him sober! When he started sleeping with a gal I was sponsoring and they were drinking together, I finally saw the light, and realized staying sober myself was more important than having sex...could I have traded one addiction for another?
Even after over 20 years of continuous sobriety, I still allowed myself to become victim of my old nemesis, DENIAL. This time, my oldest son and I lived together for the past 10 years as co-dependents. He has been a heroin addict for at least 25 years, in and out of rehab, NA, jail, jobs, apartments; but, of my three children, he and I get along the best, so I let him live with me. I convinced myself I needed him to take care of me, particularly in the past two years when I had become so severely handicapped. His addiction escalated to the extent that he was stealing at least $40. a day from my ATM, and we were very nearly evicted because the withdrawals caused the rent check to bounce. The senior citizen advocacy group bailed me out by covering the rent for two months, but I started making plans to remedy this situation.
Finally, a year ago, I told my son I was leaving for a nursing home. He had two weeks to get into a rehab and empty the four-room apartment. On January 23, I marked a year in the nursing home...more importantly, my son is working, still living at the VA in Lyons, N.J., and will be celebrating one year clean and sober on February 6. Miracles do happen, as long as we're willing to do the foot-work.
New Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 1
Originally Posted by Jersey Nonny 
These are just a few examples...I'll bet you can share many other instances. If any of the above apply to you, what have you been able to do to overcome any obstacles and move toward ACCEPTANCE, thus making it possible for you to be a better, sober you?
Self-talk can often be very destructive, which often leads to low self-esteem. As someone who comes from a troubled childhood in my preteen years and alcohol and substance abuse as a teenager, I learned to listen to a lot of negative self-talk going on in my head. This negative self-talk, in turn, led to my being hypersensitive and having a wounded sense of self. Denial was just a way to ptotect my wounded self from further injury. Call it "distorted thinking", if you will. Recovery, for me, has been about healing the wounded self beneath all of the anger and fear as result of the abuse. As I start to feel better, and the healing process becomes more effective, I find myself more willing to accept criticism from loved ones. Heck, I even find myself more willing to accept criticism from those who have resentments towards me.
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