Robzoloft

Hey All- Checking in on day 15 ( as of 9PM EST tonight). I'm embarrassed to even post this but I am having a hard time accepting and dealing with feeling OK...I know that sounds crazy. On the drive to work today I suddenly realized I felt rested, hungry for breakfast, fairly happy and worry free...I immediately began to dwell on the "what ifs"...what if I drink again, what if I died and left my kids fatherless, what if I get found out and fired, what if my livers shot.....and on and on...like I feel I don't deserve any peace of mind, like I can't be "just OK"...does that make any sense...does anybody relate? As soon as I recognize growth or achievement I start to doubt it or question it or "catastrophize" the future.........savagely doubt myself...then I start to rely too heavily on others..constantly seeking outside assurances until I'm downright annoying and paranoid....uncomfortable in my own skin...thanks for listening.

Rowan

Hi Rob,

Yes I can relate. In early sobriety, I went through a 'what if' period as well. I'm not sure whether I was trying to sabotage my happiness, thinking I didn't deserve it, but I did what you did - shared how I was feeling - and tried mightily to stay in the day.
It wasn't easy, but the feeling did pass. I hope you are continuing to get to meetings and that you have a f2f sponsor you can share this stuff with.
Be gentle with yourself - early sobriety is very difficult, so treat yourself with kindness as best you can.

coming_clean

I know what u mean...feeling good is a lot scarier sometimes then feeling bad.

theonlyway

Morning... Congrats on Day 15.

And I don't think anything is "wrong" or that you're alone at all. I'm sure there will be plenty of others confirming that today.

I know that in my own world, there are plenty of times when I get "scared" of my contentment. If I start to feel comfortable and content, somehow it seems that I CREATE drama and turmoil.

I know just enough to get me into trouble, but some of that knowledge assures me that this comes from my childhood and this disease.

Discontent, drama, turmoil... Although none of us "want" them... They're "comfortable", you know? Familiar... and I think it's human nature, to some degree to crave that comfort and familiarity, even when we know it's not 'right'.

Anyhow, I'm on day 4 and don't really know diddly... Just my babbling this morning.

Praying for you, for me and for comfortable contentment for us all.

Anna

Rob, I definitely can relate. I sabotaged my recovery efforts for a long time. Whenever it looked like I might make it, I got so anxious that I began drinking again. The fear of succeeding was even greater than dealing with failing. I was familiar with failing - success was the unknown.

Like Rowan says, it takes time and a lot of patience to get past that. The best thing you can do is to try to stop the negative thought patterns. Just interrupt them and toss them aside.

best

With growth in our recovery and by working through the steps...
We come to realize that we are human and not one of us is perfect but God still thinks we are worth it.

You are worth it. Accept that for now and as your recovery grows you will see it for yourself.

Emimily

hey rob,

there's a really good reading in As Bill Sees It about how the alcoholic deals with feeling happy, at peace, etc. also, in the Daily Reflections book there are a lot of good readings about the same topic. personally, i think that sometimes i get used to being miserable and worried and fearful, and it's more comfortable to be those things that i'm used to than feeling joyous and at peace. new things are scary, no doubt. it's okay to feel however you feel, just don't let it take over your life. feel it fully, then let it go. that's what my signature is all about, making sure that i'm aware that this is all impermanent. good moods, bad moods, fear, joy, anger, peace, insecurity, freedom... they're all feelings that change as often as the tides.

so it goes, y'know? it gets easier. you said that at one point you'd been sober for some time, i believe, so you know that it gets easier. it's just one step at a time, y'know?

much love and good vibes your way...
emily

gravity

"I felt rested, hungry for breakfast, fairly happy and worry free." This is what it is like to live in the moment. This is what life should be like for everyone. I know that it is hard not to beat ourselves up for the past or dwell on the potential difficulties of the future but this is the way we have thought for so long. It's blowing things way out of proportion, it's not reality. The reality is that we can't change the past, just learn from it. We can only do our best today for our families, friends, ourselves. I wouldn't worry about asking others for help. I've tried doing this alone in the past, total failure.This time, I'm doing this through AA, SR, and with the support of my family & close friends. I can count on others to help me...and I don't think I'm annoying anyone !