Do I sit by and wait for him to hit bottom?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 4
Do I sit by and wait for him to hit bottom?
Can someone give guidance on my dilemma? I am a young adult in my 20's, and my dad became an alcoholic 2 months ago. My family and I have intervened twice and sobered him up, but both times he went back to heavily drinking all day and night within a week. He lives 1,000 miles away, and my life schedule doesn't permit me to swoop down and "rescue" him from his situation anymore.
From attending AlAnon and AA meetings, the common message is that everyone must hit a personal bottom. He lives alone in an apartment and his friends no longer visit (because he has isolated himself), so he could potentially really get hurt and no one would find out. When he's heavily drinking he often won't answer his phone for days at a time, so I can't even be sure he's okay. How do you sit by and wait for someone to hit a bottom and accept they could get seriously hurt or die?
We tell him he needs to go to rehab, but he is still in denial about his alcoholism. Please help me understand how you've dealt with this type of situation.
From attending AlAnon and AA meetings, the common message is that everyone must hit a personal bottom. He lives alone in an apartment and his friends no longer visit (because he has isolated himself), so he could potentially really get hurt and no one would find out. When he's heavily drinking he often won't answer his phone for days at a time, so I can't even be sure he's okay. How do you sit by and wait for someone to hit a bottom and accept they could get seriously hurt or die?
We tell him he needs to go to rehab, but he is still in denial about his alcoholism. Please help me understand how you've dealt with this type of situation.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
With regard to your question about his having to reach his bottom your friends at Al Anon are right but here is where it gets tricky. When we are certain that he must have finally gotten there he will have his own ideas. His bottom, his business. The biggest thing to learn and carry through life is that we are not able change another person. And if we continue to try the only person being affected is us....negatively. We can drive ourselves crazy and make ourselves sick.
I have wound myself into a full blown rage when my target would not cooperate. Who is that hurting? Not the alcoholic.
I question your statement that he because an alcoholic in the last 2 months. Typically one doesn't go from 0-alcoholic in 2 months. Did he fall off the wagon? Has he drank all along and now it has gotten much worse?
If you are worried that he has hurt himself you could have the police check on him. The surprise at that might make him at least check in more often.
It is hard, very hard to deal with. And I have tried all kinds of ways that have not been successful so my advice is to let him know you love him, that you will help him when he is ready but until he straightens up he is on his own.
((Hugs))
I have wound myself into a full blown rage when my target would not cooperate. Who is that hurting? Not the alcoholic.
I question your statement that he because an alcoholic in the last 2 months. Typically one doesn't go from 0-alcoholic in 2 months. Did he fall off the wagon? Has he drank all along and now it has gotten much worse?
If you are worried that he has hurt himself you could have the police check on him. The surprise at that might make him at least check in more often.
It is hard, very hard to deal with. And I have tried all kinds of ways that have not been successful so my advice is to let him know you love him, that you will help him when he is ready but until he straightens up he is on his own.
((Hugs))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: by the sea
Posts: 183
welcome to Sr you have found a great site for support.
I know it is hard but what they are telling you is right. He has to do this on his own - get help or not. I remember when my dad was in his full drinkin state - all of us ( me & siblings)went to him .. we told him no longer could we come and see him, we would not allow our small children to witness his drunk days, we and they deserved better than waiting to see him die from this. We all walked away. that was the hardest thing i ever did/
it took six months, if he called and was drinking - i just hung up and i never went there. One day i came home from work - his business card was in my door - it stated aimply - please call me i am sober. I still have that card, in my big blue AA book.
I now live with an A but am in the proces of leaving because again, he has to do this on his own - nothing I say or do will change his mind or want. I deserve better - I want better.
You have to look after you...one day at a time
shakarris
I know it is hard but what they are telling you is right. He has to do this on his own - get help or not. I remember when my dad was in his full drinkin state - all of us ( me & siblings)went to him .. we told him no longer could we come and see him, we would not allow our small children to witness his drunk days, we and they deserved better than waiting to see him die from this. We all walked away. that was the hardest thing i ever did/
it took six months, if he called and was drinking - i just hung up and i never went there. One day i came home from work - his business card was in my door - it stated aimply - please call me i am sober. I still have that card, in my big blue AA book.
I now live with an A but am in the proces of leaving because again, he has to do this on his own - nothing I say or do will change his mind or want. I deserve better - I want better.
You have to look after you...one day at a time
shakarris
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crownpoint newyork
Posts: 820
Welcome To SR.... You have come to a great place for support and wisdom.. I understand your concern all too well. My father died when i was 16 from an alcohol related illness. For some people death is their bottom. Some other things from ur post stand out to me. He is isolating, he may have a mental illness such as depression. Many people self medicate with alcohol, I know I did. You may want to suggest to him to see a Dr. and discuss this possibility. All u can do is suggest he seek help and let him know how much u love and care about him.. The rest is up to him. I will say a prayer for him and your stressed out family. With love, Kerry
Retired Pro Drunk
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Saint Paul, MN
Posts: 901
"Do I sit by and wait for him to hit bottom?"
Pretty much, that's the idea. And make sure to stay out of the way so he doesn't bring you down with him.
How do you do it? Acceptance. There's nothing you can do.
Pretty much, that's the idea. And make sure to stay out of the way so he doesn't bring you down with him.
How do you do it? Acceptance. There's nothing you can do.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Illinois
Posts: 147
I feel your pain. When I was 19 my mother left my father. I got a call from her after he left for work and she said she needed help moving out on him. I went to make sure she didn't take everything, and she would have. All she basically left him was a note.
A few months later he lost his job, a few more and he was in jeopardy of losing his house so I moved in with him. In those few months he got hooked on anti-depressants and alcohol, mixing both was deadly. He was so close to suicide and I tried and tried to help him but it was an ugly divorce and he just kept spiraling down.
In the middle of all of this I had an offer to accept a position in Chicago and I was faced with staying to help or leaving to get on with my life. I left as he wouldn't take the help.
He would call me wasted and I kept telling him I didn't want to talk when he was wasted and to call back when he was sober and off the meds. Eventually the calls stopped then one day he called sober. He said it hurt my not talking to him and while he was still depressed about his life he realized he didn't want to lose me too. He wasn't completely sober but was trying to kick it with counseling.
A year later I got married and later on our first child came. When I told him the news he told me he decided to kick his habit when I got married and had been sober since then. He wanted to be there to share his love with his new daughter and later on his first grandchild.
Like someone mentioned above. Each person has their "bottom" we can't define it all we can do is help the best we can if they want our help. If they aren't willing to seek help there is not much we can do for them.
Hang in there. Do what you can but realize ultimately it is up to him to take that first step to recovery.
A few months later he lost his job, a few more and he was in jeopardy of losing his house so I moved in with him. In those few months he got hooked on anti-depressants and alcohol, mixing both was deadly. He was so close to suicide and I tried and tried to help him but it was an ugly divorce and he just kept spiraling down.
In the middle of all of this I had an offer to accept a position in Chicago and I was faced with staying to help or leaving to get on with my life. I left as he wouldn't take the help.
He would call me wasted and I kept telling him I didn't want to talk when he was wasted and to call back when he was sober and off the meds. Eventually the calls stopped then one day he called sober. He said it hurt my not talking to him and while he was still depressed about his life he realized he didn't want to lose me too. He wasn't completely sober but was trying to kick it with counseling.
A year later I got married and later on our first child came. When I told him the news he told me he decided to kick his habit when I got married and had been sober since then. He wanted to be there to share his love with his new daughter and later on his first grandchild.
Like someone mentioned above. Each person has their "bottom" we can't define it all we can do is help the best we can if they want our help. If they aren't willing to seek help there is not much we can do for them.
Hang in there. Do what you can but realize ultimately it is up to him to take that first step to recovery.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Sunshine State
Posts: 410
With my Abrother, we always worried! He would drink himself sick, and he ODed once. He was frequently hospitalized for pancreatitis and the like from his drinking & drugs. We did have him commited one time, with his dr's consent, because in our state you can do that when a person has proven to be a danger to themselves. However, when we detached, he always seemed to land on is feet, he would find somebody else to help him. "He has always depended on the kindness of strangers!" Not that our fears wern't warrented, it's scary to think of what could've happened, but we just couldn't live like that anymore! And as it happens, it was the best thing for all of us. As he ran out of people to take care of him (because he would mistreat them, steal from them, etc.), that's when he kind of woke up and got himself into a program, and has been now for 14+ months. We feared he wouldn't survive without us, but somehow he did.
up and out
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 185
Welcome newmember83!!
It is a helpless feeling isn't it? (((Hugs)))
In response to your question "Do I sit by and wait for him to hit bottom?"
No, you don't. You go on about your life with the knowledge that there is absolutely nothing that you can do to change his drinking behavior. Any time spent on trying to stop him is time wasted.....and it will only add to the length of time it takes for him to reach his bottom.
That's a tricky concept newmember because we feel that we need to do something in order to make the drinking stop but the only actions that matter are the alcoholic's.
It is human nature to want to help when we see someone suffering. There is a fine line between helping and enabling, however.
This helps me determine if what i'm doing is helping or enabling the alcoholic:
Helping is doing something for someone that they are not capable of doing themselves.
Enabling is doing for someone things that they could, and should be doing themselves.
It is his choice to drink. Therefore it is also his choice to stop drinking.
Much love to you. The people who post on this board are among the most caring, wonderful people in the world and they teach me new things every day. You are in a good place.
It is a helpless feeling isn't it? (((Hugs)))
In response to your question "Do I sit by and wait for him to hit bottom?"
No, you don't. You go on about your life with the knowledge that there is absolutely nothing that you can do to change his drinking behavior. Any time spent on trying to stop him is time wasted.....and it will only add to the length of time it takes for him to reach his bottom.
That's a tricky concept newmember because we feel that we need to do something in order to make the drinking stop but the only actions that matter are the alcoholic's.
It is human nature to want to help when we see someone suffering. There is a fine line between helping and enabling, however.
This helps me determine if what i'm doing is helping or enabling the alcoholic:
Helping is doing something for someone that they are not capable of doing themselves.
Enabling is doing for someone things that they could, and should be doing themselves.
It is his choice to drink. Therefore it is also his choice to stop drinking.
Much love to you. The people who post on this board are among the most caring, wonderful people in the world and they teach me new things every day. You are in a good place.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by JT 
I question your statement that he because an alcoholic in the last 2 months. Typically one doesn't go from 0-alcoholic in 2 months. Did he fall off the wagon? Has he drank all along and now it has gotten much worse?
Thanks to everyone's kind words. You are all right, and I must go on to live my life without trying to control his recovery. Does this mean I have to stop calling when he is drunk though, or is that a person decision some make? At this point I would feel best keeping in touch and making suggestions to go to rehab, but that is the most I would do.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
With going to lots of meetings for yourself you'll be able to learn how to deal with this situation.. Yes very important that your dad hit his bottom it's his only hope of recovering.
he has his own road to travel in this.
ngaire
he has his own road to travel in this.
ngaire
Originally Posted by newmember83
Can someone give guidance on my dilemma? I am a young adult in my 20's, and my dad became an alcoholic 2 months ago. My family and I have intervened twice and sobered him up, but both times he went back to heavily drinking all day and night within a week. He lives 1,000 miles away, and my life schedule doesn't permit me to swoop down and "rescue" him from his situation anymore.
From attending AlAnon and AA meetings, the common message is that everyone must hit a personal bottom. He lives alone in an apartment and his friends no longer visit (because he has isolated himself), so he could potentially really get hurt and no one would find out. When he's heavily drinking he often won't answer his phone for days at a time, so I can't even be sure he's okay. How do you sit by and wait for someone to hit a bottom and accept they could get seriously hurt or die?
We tell him he needs to go to rehab, but he is still in denial about his alcoholism. Please help me understand how you've dealt with this type of situation.
From attending AlAnon and AA meetings, the common message is that everyone must hit a personal bottom. He lives alone in an apartment and his friends no longer visit (because he has isolated himself), so he could potentially really get hurt and no one would find out. When he's heavily drinking he often won't answer his phone for days at a time, so I can't even be sure he's okay. How do you sit by and wait for someone to hit a bottom and accept they could get seriously hurt or die?
We tell him he needs to go to rehab, but he is still in denial about his alcoholism. Please help me understand how you've dealt with this type of situation.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
A lot of great advice given already!
I just wanted to say Welcome to SR! This is a wonderful place and I'm so glad that you found us!
My A brother had to hit his bottom before he stopped...I thank God today that we finally all stopped the rescue bit on him-and he has found a place that he is recovering!
Unfortunate that my father who was a surgeon found his bottom through death...I feel your pain-A lot of us do-please know that you are not alone!
Please keep coming back!
I just wanted to say Welcome to SR! This is a wonderful place and I'm so glad that you found us!
My A brother had to hit his bottom before he stopped...I thank God today that we finally all stopped the rescue bit on him-and he has found a place that he is recovering!
Unfortunate that my father who was a surgeon found his bottom through death...I feel your pain-A lot of us do-please know that you are not alone!
Please keep coming back!
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